kathlene Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I love my husband very much. He has somewhat of a history of veiwing porn I guess....he hid it from me well. After we had been together for a while, and decided to move in together, I helped him move (he had moved back in with his parents..god forbid...in between selling his house and buying another) anyway, his closet had about 20 porno tapes that he said belonged to his dad and some of his dad's friends that his dad didn't want his mom to see...we had a short discussion about how we didn't need this stuff at "OUR" apartment , blah, blah, blah...he agreed and I didn't think about it anymore.....until.............. First let me say that I am not anti-porn. A little porn can get a normal red-blooded american woman's blood stirring...but honestly...after about an hour of watching other people screwing..it gets boring and it is really just a precursor to foreplay for me, but anyway............. we had been together about six months when we moved in together...we had a really fast and deep relationship. But after we moved in together sex really slowed down...I was 37 approaching my sexual peak and he was 26 FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! I wanted sex everyday. I would try to entice him almost everyday and from the beginning he seemed a little awkward (especially after boasting about MANY sexual encounters...which his sister vouched for) but he seemed really disinterested and said if I wouldn't ask for it so much..... Well, one day I suprised him when he came from out of town and found 2 tapes on the livingroom floor ready for viewing!! I was SOOOOOOOO frigging upset...that he would look at that crap and jerk off or whatever and not have sex with me. Of course he even denied that they were his...he was taking them back to the video store for a friend and was going to watch them. OF course I called the number on the tape and verified that they were his. I was so hurt. I felt so ugly and unwanted..it took me days or weeks to really get over it. Well, he apologized and what not...whatever it took to make me feel better, but sex did not increase. We ended up getting married one year to the day that we met and he has been a wonderful husband. We have been married a year and a half now and I love him to death but it has been one thing after another with this porn thing. Always secretly behind my back! I have begged him to talk to me about it and of course he blames it on me, or stress or says everyone does it, etc. usual guy things. He has ran up our cable bill several times and tried to hide it. Then I found out he was going on the internet when we got a new computer. Then he actually bought tapes and hid them in the house. Now we are at a point where I can find out everything he looks at on the computer, I have put a code on the cable box so he can't do that...I am going crazy. I told him I would watch them with him, if he wanted to masturbate,,I don't care. (OH YEA, he swears to god he doesn't mastsurbate) I have tried to be sooooooooooo understanding, but he says it is stupid for him to watch porn with me. Then last month he gave me his word that he would not do it anymore after I found some tapes he had purchased. Well, this week I found out that he had charged some to our cable bill....I blew up. It just about killed me. We have been going round and round since Friday. You guys just have no idea how it makes a woman feel to know that the love of her life "prefers" that to you. My husband is loving and good to me, we have a son that he adores...but he has shut me out of this secretive life of his and I just don't know what to do........I will do anything to work this out but unfortunately I can't live with this deception over and over. I feel like I can't trust him--that if he will do that behind my back --what else will he do? I fell unwanted...that what we have is not real...what do yall think? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 to know that the love of her life "prefers" that to you Doesn't this sound to you like every other addiction? It's not that he prefers it to you; it's that it's got a grasp over him beyond his ability to control it. He needs help just as any addict would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathlene Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 hence the quotation marks Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Well you asked how would people feel as though he has it under control. He doesn't - so I'd feel pity and I'd be looking for treatments/counsellors/help for this sort of addiction since he is clearly unable to just stop on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Well K....you certainly can't control what he can't seem to control himself. Since he refuses to watch it with YOU....I think I would be more concerned with what "type' of porn he is viewing beyond what he is able to get off of the cable newworks. As long as it's not the kind of porn which may lead to deviant behavior (kiddie porn, rape based porn and such)....maybe it's just a phase he's going thru. If he feels like he needs the "extra stimulation and excitement"....watching porn is better than if he hung out at bars and cheated on you. I'm not making excuses for him....I just think that unless what he is doing is "harmful"...LOTS of men enjoy porn and aren't "wierd". Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I suggest leaving him for a while. Ask him to move out, or rent a place yourself. I understand this could be hard for the child that you have, but your mental health and happiness is suffering here too. He is addicted to this and until he decides he needs help, there is nothing you can do for him. In my opinion, looking at these people and jerking off to them is pretty damn close to cheating. My husband does the same thing too... Link to post Share on other sites
mattdad Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I'm terribly sorry to hear about your families' distress, and know how hard it is for you, but... His addiction is NOT about you! It's not just a porn addiction - it's an addiction to sex in general, and I can tell you that he is feeling extremely guilty about what he is doing to you. tThat's why he's in hiding. It is a very serious issue, and professional help is necessary. For whatever reason, your husband needs stimulation outside of the marriage union to feel satisfied - only it NEVER really satisfies, but rather gets worse and worse... I myself thought that getting married would solvee my issues regarding this matter, but it didn't and I too went into hiding... In the meantime, I beg you to find support for yourself as you confront him with the issues. If the marriage is still worth saving, you will need to love him more patiently than you may think possible, but your acceptance of his humanity will go a long way in his healing. Either that, or the loss of his family will wake him up to his powerlessness over this heinous addiction... There are a number of twelve step groups that deal specifically with this issue (both for the addict and those affected by the addiction). Good luck and I hope you find the help you need! Link to post Share on other sites
lady_vampiress Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. Your husband needs to admit to himself first of all he has a serious problem which is not only affecting his relationship with he is hurting u mentally, by being addicted to it as if it was a drug putting it b4 u ignoring all ur needs for his affections, attention and even sex or romantic acts such a romantic dinners/baths on a regualr basis with u. which is esstential to keep ur relationship health and happy. so u need to communicate this to him and everything ur felling , and how is hurting u and effecting ur relationship and closeness and openesswith him since he is obviously lying to u and holding back things from u which is in effect lying and keeping secrets which is not only destructive for him cos his feeling ashamed and guity about it which affects ur closeness and communication with him, but also hurts u cos his lying to u which is destructive for a marriage. u need to for one make him see what his doing his hurting ur marriage and u and commuicate this to them not leaving things out. 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues he has with this porn and his addiction to it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light. romantic getures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important inorder to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness u and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites i looked up which may help u and to help urhusband get pass this addiction, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This_Side_of_the_Wall.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/ http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathlene Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 You seem to be quite knowledgeable in this area....would like to know more....can you help me? Thanks, kat Link to post Share on other sites
lady_vampiress Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 yeah i know alot cos my ex had a problem with it so i found out alot cos i had to research it to understand how to deal with it while i was with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sam4u Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 The porno tape or masturbation is not your problem or your husband problem. Don't make porno or masturbation your enemy, but, instead, make it your friend. Schedule your sex life, meaning, let your husband know a head of time that you want sex everyday at a certain time. Or ask him when he is the horniest daily. Have a quickie just before he goes to work and/or just as soon as he gets home from work. Plan you sex life so it works with both of you. What if he is really horny and then he will be driven to look at porn and then masturbate and then an hour later you are horny and want to have sex and he is not horny anymore. So you need to be more in sync with each other. Porn or masturbation is not your problem or your enemy. Tell him a head of time that you want to see about 15-30 minutes of porn and then you want to make love and be sexually playful. Try to do this daily. The body is use to daily routines. Us the porn and masturbation to your advantage and tell him ahead of time, so both of you can plan on it. Find out when he is the horniest daily and plan to watch the porno with him and have sex daily at that time. Plan some quickies and plan time of not quickies. Don't waste your time scolding him about porno or masturbation like you are his mother or something like that. You are not his mother, you are his sex partner. find creative ways to use porno to your advantage, ask your husband for ideals to make porn both your friends and not your enemy and be flexible, make porn your friend. Porn is your husband's friend, so make it your friend also, you will be a lot better off for it. Don't fight it , but join it. If you are not getting enough sex then get the porn out for yourself and masturbate to it. Let your husband caught you watch porno and masturbation, maybe he will join you. Tell him a head of time that ½ hour after he gets home from work that you will be in the bed room masturbating to one of his porn tape and if he want to watch or join in he is welcome. Tell him the next time he masturbates to call you so you can masturbate along with him. Make a fun game about it instead of a stress thing, be creative. Turn a negative into a positive. Link to post Share on other sites
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