Almost there - part deux

[MistyK]

For anyone who happened to have any interest in the story...it's ended. (Quick recap: A with MM for 2.5 years, he dragged his feet but finally moved out 5 months ago. He remained very enmeshed with his W and couldn't bring himself to follow through with setting up boundaries and seemed insistent on keeping having it both ways.)

 

Last week MM finally made some progress, had his kids over for the weekend for the 1st time and did what he had to do to move the divorce along. He'd even told the W that he didn't see a future with them together. But, in a matter of hours, I became yesterday's garbage.

 

His kids are struggling with the seperation and the W is making it so much worse by actively discouraging the kids from visiting him, parentifying them, etc. He said he knows he'll never win if he fights her for custody because he knew she was dysfunctional and left the kids there anyway. So now he feels he has no choice but to go back. He said he hates his W, but sees no other way to help his kids.

 

He wants to be a martyr and is apparently under the impression this has all been fun for me. He repeatedly called this the "honeymoon". If the "honeymoon" involves me crying everyday because of his insistence of having it both ways then I guess he's right. And if so, I don't want to stick around for the "anniversary".

 

He's mad at the fact that I won't support him going home. Neither will his mother or his therapist. But I told him that I absolutely will not support what I see as an incredibly destructive move for all involved. I will not lie to him so he feels better about having my "permission" and understanding. And he apparently expects me to feel sorry for him because he will miss me and I will move on. He said he is doomed, but doesn't acknowledge that it's his choice. It is circumstance, his marriage vow (which he can't uphold anyway because he isn't in love with her, but whatever). At least he will be honest with her about that so she knows what she's getting. But he will never tell her the truth about the extent of our A and he has told me so. He feels she has to be sacrificed too for the "sake of the kids".

 

And me? I'm just collateral damage. I told him I don't think I can ever forgive him for all of this - topped off with his going home. I told him to never ever ever contact me again. And I mean it. As soon as i get home I will block his ability to call me and his emails are already filtered. But I am absolutely crushed, and kicking myself because I KNEW this would happen. I am such an idiot.

[NoIDidn't]

Toe dipper, for sure.

 

He tried the waters of giving the kids a *taste* of visiting him in his other home and then freaked when they freaked.

 

You are better off without him. He has used every line in the book to keep you hooked. Even bringing out the therapist and his mother's opinions to encourage you in thinking he was actually going to do something.

 

Enough about him, though.

 

Sorry you are missing a man that seemed to bring you more heartache than joy. I really do feel for you. It just seems that you are more concerned about his and her feelings than your own. This wasn't working for you. It involved you in unnecessary drama, and put your own family at risk (the confrontation).

 

Because you allowed him all the power in the outcomes, I don't see this as the end yet.

 

((mistyk))

[Owl]

So what are you doing to remove yourself from this situation?

 

Are you going NC with him?

 

If not...how do you intend to actually get clear of all of this...to end his constant efforts to draw you back in?

[MistyK]

Toe dipper, for sure.

 

He tried the waters of giving the kids a *taste* of visiting him in his other home and then freaked when they freaked.

 

 

Actually the weekend visit went well. As a result, the W got very threatened and stirred up a whole lot of drama on Monday. It kills me that she uses the kids as a tool to manipulate him. And the poor kids - they are suffering so much as a result. I guess this is how he justifies sacrificing her happiness for the kids because he will not try to work on the M, he just wants to be a body in the house. She believes he will fall in love with her again, he said he is sure he will not and will just live and die missing me.

 

This whole thing was so much worse than it had to be for everyone because of his indecision and waffling and now he thinks he can make it all go away by going back. And he doesn't seem to care much about hurting me because I'll "get over it" and move on. I'm so glad he has that confidence, because I don't. I will be a mess for a long time.

[GreenEyedLady]

MK:

 

Let him go. Grieve what you had with him and put it to rest.

 

He could not give you what you deserve. Even now he has an excuse.

 

You do not have to support him at all. He is not a child. He has made his choice, now make him live with it.

 

Do not worry about forgiving him. For now, just take it day-by-day and make yourself stronger.

 

And you are not an idiot. You believed in him. And he let you down.

 

Take care of yourself. Keep busy and surround yourself with your supporters. It hurts, but as time goes on, you'll heal. If he tries to contact you, ignore him like he doesn't exist.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

[MistyK]

So what are you doing to remove yourself from this situation?

 

Are you going NC with him?

 

If not...how do you intend to actually get clear of all of this...to end his constant efforts to draw you back in?

 

Yes, I have to go NC because all he'll do is continue to mess with me. He's too selfish to let me go while he sorts his life out voluntarily. And truly, I don't think there's any plan for sorting out anything - he just wants to sweep all the crap under the rug and walk around it because it's too big to step on.

 

My therapist has said for a long time that we can never repair the damage done to our relationship, and I know it, in my gut, but I've had trouble accepting it. His baggage is just too much for me to overcome. So I will focus on the fact that he can offer me nothing but pain in return for the love and loyalty I've offered him. I've told him as much.

[donnamaybe]

his marriage vow

 

He must have conveniently forgotten the "forsaking all others" part of that vow.

 

You dodged a HUGE bullet, Misty.

[PhoenixRise]

Misty

 

He calls it a honeymoon because for him, in spite of all the drama and tears, he has been having it pretty good. What man wouldn't a woman like you putting your life on hold, putting up with incessant bad and disrespectful behavior and still loving and wanting him? What man wouldn't want his wife ready to pull out all the stops to keep him no matter how badly he behaves?

 

He must think he is the most absolute, bestest, gift to all women that there ever was. It has been great for HIM.

 

Everybody is concerned for him. Everybody is focused on loving him. Everybody is held hostage to whatever issues he has. Nobody is demonstrating that they can live happily without him. It. IS. All. About. HIM. AND clearly, he wants to keep it that way.

 

I am sorry that you are in pain Misty.

 

I hope you mean it when you say you will block him from being able to contact you because if you change nothing and continue to hope for the best, you will continue to be hurt.

[Owl]

Yes, I have to go NC because all he'll do is continue to mess with me. He's too selfish to let me go while he sorts his life out voluntarily. And truly, I don't think there's any plan for sorting out anything - he just wants to sweep all the crap under the rug and walk around it because it's too big to step on.

 

My therapist has said for a long time that we can never repair the damage done to our relationship, and I know it, in my gut, but I've had trouble accepting it. His baggage is just too much for me to overcome. So I will focus on the fact that he can offer me nothing but pain in return for the love and loyalty I've offered him. I've told him as much.

 

Have you TOLD him that it's over, and that he's to no longer call you/contact you in any fashion, ever again? That he's no longer part of your life?

 

This needs to be done completely bluntly and blatantly...he needs to clearly get this message. Anything less, anything with a hint of ambiguity will leave the door open for him to resume contact...and negate all your efforts.

 

Has it been spelled out this obviously to him?

[GreenEyedLady]

Have you TOLD him that it's over, and that he's to no longer call you/contact you in any fashion, ever again? That he's no longer part of your life?

 

This needs to be done completely bluntly and blatantly...he needs to clearly get this message. Anything less, anything with a hint of ambiguity will leave the door open for him to resume contact...and negate all your efforts.

 

Has it been spelled out this obviously to him?

 

I agree with this. He needs to know it's OVER.

 

He can't come back. Your heart doesn't have a revolving door.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

Have you TOLD him that it's over, and that he's to no longer call you/contact you in any fashion, ever again? That he's no longer part of your life?

 

This needs to be done completely bluntly and blatantly...he needs to clearly get this message. Anything less, anything with a hint of ambiguity will leave the door open for him to resume contact...and negate all your efforts.

 

Has it been spelled out this obviously to him?

 

I agree. Its not over until she does this and actually goes through with blocking him.

 

Mistyk, have you told him its over instead of just telling him what a wimp he is??

[MistyK]

I truly consider this action akin to throwing a knife in my back. And now he wants me to massage the hand he threw it with. I've stood by him for almost 3 years and in the end I get a lame cop-out excuse. His kids were never his priority - if they had been he would have taken them with him, visited with them as much as he could and not jerked around their mother's emotions. And I don't believe they are his priority now - he knows going home won't solve anything and he knows he will not be in love with his W again. It won't erase what's happened, and he's selling out his W to do it! He's going home to assuage his guilt and pretend the A never happened. But in the end, I guess the reason doesn't matter, the end result is the same. He's a selfish jerk and hasn't changed a bit over the course of our relationship and through a year of therapy.

 

He said he isn't ready to move home just yet, he needs a few months to adjust to the idea of going home. WTF? I'm not going to stand around and rub his shoulders while he prepares for battle and I'm taken aback that he would even suggest I should. He seems to really want me to feel sorry for him for what he's giving up. What is he really giving up though - he never really embraced our R and it obviously was not worth preserving to him.

 

Yes, I've told him that this just proves my point that he can never return to me the love and trust I gave him and that my love was wasted on him. I told him that even if he doesn't go home, I know I will never be able to feel safe with him because he is constantly flip flopping. I said that our R has been damaged beyond repair and him going home is just but the latest example of his basic lack of respect and care for me. I said - never ever ever contact me again and don't drive by my house, don't email me, don't exist in my world, if at all possible.

[donnamaybe]

And Misty, if he is able to treat YOU this way, how do you think he has treated his wife during their marriage? D'ya maybe think HE had something to do with any problems in their marriage?

[2sure]

Misty,

 

You are no idiot and no fool.

 

I have followed all of your threads and posts and initially said some of the many things that you have heard over and over again. I gave up because for quite some time you sounded like you just wanted to believe the lies and didnt want to hear differently. I wrote you off. I figured you were just not capable of figuring it out to be honest.

 

But then I noticed you contributing more and more to other people's threads. Your answers were those of a completely different woman. When answering other's questions and threads you sounded well grounded, in-touch and realistic. Really good in fact.

 

An excellent example of how an affair fog changes people.

[fooled once]

Actually the weekend visit went well. As a result, the W got very threatened and stirred up a whole lot of drama on Monday. It kills me that she uses the kids as a tool to manipulate him. And the poor kids - they are suffering so much as a result. I guess this is how he justifies sacrificing her happiness for the kids because he will not try to work on the M, he just wants to be a body in the house. She believes he will fall in love with her again, he said he is sure he will not and will just live and die missing me.

 

This whole thing was so much worse than it had to be for everyone because of his indecision and waffling and now he thinks he can make it all go away by going back. And he doesn't seem to care much about hurting me because I'll "get over it" and move on. I'm so glad he has that confidence, because I don't. I will be a mess for a long time.

 

Remember, this is just HIS version. He is TELLING you this because he doesn't want to admit he missed his family. He has to put down his wife, he has to make all this drama in order to save face when HE DOES want to continue the A with you.

 

He is a KNOWN liar. He is LYING to you about all of this. Remember that and keep your anger ON HIM where it belongs.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. I had a feeling it was just a matter of time. ((hug))

[fooled once]

Misty,

 

You are no idiot and no fool.

 

I have followed all of your threads and posts and initially said some of the many things that you have heard over and over again. I gave up because for quite some time you sounded like you just wanted to believe the lies and didnt want to hear differently. I wrote you off. I figured you were just not capable of figuring it out to be honest.

 

But then I noticed you contributing more and more to other people's threads. Your answers were those of a completely different woman. When answering other's questions and threads you sounded well grounded, in-touch and realistic. Really good in fact.

 

An excellent example of how an affair fog changes people.

 

I have felt the exact same way and 100% agreee with 2sure!

[Owl]

And Misty, if he is able to treat YOU this way, how do you think he has treated his wife during their marriage? D'ya maybe think HE had something to do with any problems in their marriage?

 

This is a good point.

 

You're going crazy, given the way he's acted and how he's treated you.

 

You've described his wife in some pretty "crazy" terms as well...kind of makes you wonder how much he created/caused/contributed to this, you know?

 

If he's made you feel this way...how do you think he's made his wife feel during all of this as well? Even given her "behaviors"...you can see how he may well be setting some similar pitfalls for her to deal with as well, just like he's done to you.

 

I'm not saying that all she's said/done is justified...but I'm saying that it starts to make her behavior more understandable...and points out that he may well be the SOURCE of a lot of this insanity, all the way around.

[MistyK]

I know. More and more he's been saying things like: "my W said the exact same thing to me". Yet, the fact that such coincidences keep happening doesn't seem to phase him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think she was a bit off kilter to begin with - her whole family is, but he aggravated the hell out of her and I figure he richly deserves whatever punishment she will be meteing out for him when he returns. That will have to be enough for me.

[MistyK]

Just so we're all clear, because he tends not to take what I say in anger on the phone seriously, I was going to send him this email....any thoughts? Should I not bother?

 

MM,

I loved you with all my heart. I pushed through almost 3 years of some of the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced - only to realize that you will never be able to return such love to me. You broke almost every promise you ever made to me and your actions througout our relationship are indicative of a basic lack of respect for me and a lack of care about my feelings. The only people who seemed to matter in this equation were (W) and (MM). I wish I could believe that your interest truly lies in what is best for the kids - but they have not been your priority from the moment you left them with her right up through not having regular visits with them. So, I can't accept that, nor do I accept your financial excuses. You know as well as I do that you can easily afford to buy (the house he lives in) and give (W) the support she is due; and such concerns have never managed to divert you from casinos or giving (W) thousands more than she was due in support. You may alleviate your guilt by going home, but it appears that you aren't even trying for real redemption.

 

There was no honeymoon for me. I suppose it was a honeymoon for you as you got to keep having things both ways, keeping both of us hanging on. You keep telling me that you were happy, and while you knew I was not, you would not change anything. I suppose it was easier to justify hurting me than (W) as I was your "partner in crime". I deserved it, in short, and you didn't seem particularly burdened by guilt about hurting me. You willfully choose not to change, and that is why therapy doesn't seem to be working. The fact that you haven't changed suggests that you haven't learned much from this experience and you may cheat again no matter who you end up with.

 

I trusted you when you'd make promises and you consistenly showed me that trust was misplaced. I had faith that my love for you would help you through this time and yet you never gave us a chance. I know now that there is no chance for you and I. Too much damage has been done and I'll never be able to feel safe with all your flip-flopping. Divorce or no divorce, I can't have you as part of my life ever again because it's clear that you will only hurt me. I tried my best to give you a better life and although I know I will always be grateful for what you've done for me and I will always love you, it's time for me to grieve the realtionship we had, and the one I hoped we could have someday. If you love me half as much as you say you do, and if you have any respect for me at all, you'll leave me alone and not rub your wife in my face. Please don't contact me ever again.

Love,

MK

[donnamaybe]

I know. More and more he's been saying things like: "my W said the exact same thing to me". Yet, the fact that such coincidences keep happening doesn't seem to phase him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think she was a bit off kilter to begin with - her whole family is, but he aggravated the hell out of her and I figure he richly deserves whatever punishment she will be meteing out for him when he returns. That will have to be enough for me.

 

Could be her whole family is also sick and tired of his shenanigans and act out thusly. And how much of this info about the W's family is fed to you by the MM?

[NoIDidn't]

I honestly didn't read the rest of the letter once I got to the "I have loved you with all my heart".

 

That's a waste of time. He already knows you love him or he wouldn't yank your chain so much.

 

Just say, "Goodbye".

 

Then you can heal and move on.

[MistyK]

I honestly didn't read the rest of the letter once I got to the "I have loved you with all my heart".

 

That's a waste of time. He already knows you love him or he wouldn't yank your chain so much.

 

Just say, "Goodbye".

 

Then you can heal and move on.

 

True, not as if I haven't said all of this stuff 3 million times before. I'll cut it to this:

 

If you love me half as much as you say you do, and if you have any respect for me at all, you'll leave me alone and not rub your wife in my face. Please don't contact me ever again.

[NoIDidn't]

True, not as if I haven't said all of this stuff 3 million times before. I'll cut it to this:

 

If you love me half as much as you say you do, and if you have any respect for me at all, you'll leave me alone and not rub your wife in my face. Please don't contact me ever again.

 

I still think that's too much. LOL.

 

Just tell him that his recent decision to return to his marriage means its totally over for the two of you. Don't tell him you will be interested when/if he divorces her. Just tell him "Goodbye".

 

Don't even mention love. Doing so only makes you sound like it isn't really over in your head or your heart. And if I see that online, imagine what he is seeing that he can manipulate.

[Chrome Barracuda]

y are you adding please, dont contact me again.

 

IT's DONT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!

 

Misty what the hell are you gaining out of this galf assed relationship? WTF are you really getting crumbs from a man who puts you as his mistress? A man who doesnt have the conhones to be a man and do things the right way, who's not only lying to you but to his family as well..

 

All you are to him is a plaything, a woman who is a walking sex recepticle whom he can manipulate emotionally because he knows he can.

 

Your wasting your time with a man who's already MARRIED! thus depriving yourself out of relationships with men who cant do you better.

 

Is that what you want to tell your future children how you and your husband got together. the unvarnished truth, of how your destroyed his family with your intereference? or do you want to do things the right way.

 

Gotta learn to have more respect for yourself.

[fooled once]

although I know I will always be grateful for what you've done for me and I will always love you,

 

Misty, you won't always love him. I can promise you that. And what has he done to deserve your love? What kind of man is he? From what you say, he isn't a very good person so what is there to love?

 

Please don't send him anything. Write as many emails as YOU need to vent, but hit delete on each one of them.

 

Why are you wasting words on him? If he calls you - HANG UP. IMMEDIATELY. If he emails you - delete it without reading it.

 

If he shows up, tell him to leave or you will call the police.

 

It really IS that easy.

 

But you have to want to do it for good and not just for attention from him.