2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Misty, I think you should send the letter along with a photo portrait of yourself, a teddy bear, and any jewelry he has given you. Certainly, by doing all of those things you will make him see , finally, what you havent been able to over the course of years. (Obviously I was kidding about giving back the jewelry) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 4, 2009 Author Share Posted August 4, 2009 Misty, you won't always love him. I can promise you that. And what has he done to deserve your love? What kind of man is he? From what you say, he isn't a very good person so what is there to love? Please don't send him anything. Write as many emails as YOU need to vent, but hit delete on each one of them. Why are you wasting words on him? If he calls you - HANG UP. IMMEDIATELY. If he emails you - delete it without reading it. If he shows up, tell him to leave or you will call the police. It really IS that easy. But you have to want to do it for good and not just for attention from him. I don't want attention, I guess I just want him to know that he ruined everything, that I don't buy his martyrdom and that I don't want to hear from him even after he realizes the error of what he's done and is divorced. I want him to know that I no longer see him as I once did and that the removal of the illusion isn't pretty. I want him to feel just a little of the pain he's inflicted on me, and everyone else. Is that terrible? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 No it isn't terrible but he isn't going to get it. He is still going to be mad that you aren't consoling him. He is all about himself. I know you are hurt. I know you are disappointed. I know you are angry. But all you are going to do by communicating with him is break what you said to him already ~ don't contact me. He has no respect for you. He hasn't, ever, possiblly. He is a user. He enjoyed you stepping in for his wife when she wasn't available to cook, clean and take care of his needs. You already know he is a liar. You already know his decision. You already know he is full of it. He won't HEAR you. And you can't make him HEAR you because he only wants to HEAR that poor him, he has such a hard life. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Although my previous response was a bit sarcastic, I completely understand that you want him to feel loss and regret at what he has done. He has taken something that you feel could have been beautiful and ruined it. Although he may read the letter and shed tears after...the tears will be for himself. He will still be the victim. Its the ONLY perception he has. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I don't want attention, I guess I just want him to know that he ruined everything, that I don't buy his martyrdom and that I don't want to hear from him even after he realizes the error of what he's done and is divorced. I want him to know that I no longer see him as I once did and that the removal of the illusion isn't pretty. I want him to feel just a little of the pain he's inflicted on me, and everyone else. Is that terrible? It is not terrible. But if you send that letter or even the second abbreviated one it will be just like sending him a message that the door is open for his return. Misty. If you express this kind of unconditional love to a man who is actively treating you like sh$$, he WILL respect you even less. Either don't send a letter at all. Or just send a letter saying don't ever contact me again. That is all. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 4, 2009 Author Share Posted August 4, 2009 Ok. He just called and I ignored it. I sent him a text saying: Haven't you hurt me enough? Go and be happy with your righteous obligation. LEAVE ME ALONE! God it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I know that my posts irritate you sometimes, MistyK, but I want you to know that I wish you the best of the best with my whole heart. Only a woman with a big and genuine heart can take someone else into their heart and extend compassion...which is what you did with this man. He is what I refer to as a man-child. Before getting married I had several relationships and when they were over I honestly couldn't see my future... a future with anyone. I simply couldn't. Empty. Then, in time there was something new. And eventually I met my husband. Now, yes, he screwed up royally. I never thought I would be able to get over the hurt he inflicted, but I have. In some ways you giving me a hard time forced me to examine my innerworkings and make decisions on how I see things... how I feel things. So even though I sometimes want to scream at you... you have helped me. You've helped me challenge my concepts. I wish you love. We can only open the door for something new when we have closed the other. You have developed quite a bit inside of yourself through this relationship... now take the wisdom and use it in with a man who deserves you. You have a great capacity to love... a smart fella with recognize that and return it to you a thousand fold. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 There are way to many YOU and YOUR statements in your letter.....this is about you..It should be saying this is what I want and what I'm going to do....he's going to read all those you's and just turn off. He's tired of hearing this...just tell him I'm done don't bother me leave me alone. He's never going to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I sent him a text saying: Haven't you hurt me enough? Go and be happy with your righteous obligation. LEAVE ME ALONE! And now ignore him completely. Silence says alot more than words, especially since there really isn't anything more to say. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 misty, i feel for you soo much hun. he sounds v similar to the MM i was seeing until yesterday. i'm convinced if he left, his W would just play with his conscience and manage to get him back into the marital home. and it's very difficult to the break the ties completely, but you know that if you ever take this guy back, it's square one all over again... Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Excellent Misty. He needs to know that the party is over. Now block his emails. Block his number from your phone. If you cant block it then when you see its him dont answer. It doesnt matter if he sends flowers, sends gifts, rings your doorbell. He needs to be dead to you. He HAS hurt you enough. Big hugs Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Misty, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. You are doing the same thing over and over. He doesn't get it. Don't respond to him. Make it be over. What could he possibly do now anyway to make you believe he would leave and get a D? He has exhausted his options. Show him you're different. Show him you're strong. Show him YOU DON'T NEED HIM and you don't want him anymore. Silence speaks louder than words. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Misty, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. You are doing the same thing over and over. He doesn't get it. Don't respond to him. Make it be over. What could he possibly do now anyway to make you believe he would leave and get a D? He has exhausted his options. Show him you're different. Show him you're strong. Show him YOU DON'T NEED HIM and you don't want him anymore. Silence speaks louder than words. GEL Don't always agree with GEL, but she's dead on here. Think about the contradiction of contacting to say no contact. Turn off your phone, power down your cell, unplug the PC and lose the key to the mailbox. And then go on with your life... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Misty, First of all, I wouldn't send the letter since I don't think it will mean a pile of beans to him. He is too self absorbed to understand the magnitude of the harm he has caused you. Also, you are not a victim and you knew the risks when you started. He owes you nothing but you owe yourself everything! I know how difficult this is for you, but you can do it. Time will heal the wounds. What I realized coming out of the A was that lying and cheating should not have been attractive qualities from day One. I didn't think that he would do to me what he was doing to her because he didn't love her the way he LOVED me. (sticking finger in throat). Real love is built on a foundation of HONESTY, TRUTH, CARE and RESPECT. I didn't really understand that at first but now I do. So without these I really didn't have love. It was just lust gone bad. The sooner you start to see him for who he REALLY is as opposed to the way you wish he were, the sooner your healing will take place. This too shall pass. Take my word for it. Be good to yourself. Do not shame yourself or call yourself horrible names. Go out and buy a Fuc* him dress. Call your girls and go out and have fun and enjoy your life. After all, you only get one, why waste it on a lying cheating, selfish man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I did not send the email, or any email in fact. In the end, it is a waste of my breath. I have not heard from him since sending the text, so maybe for once he is listening. I am so angry...and right now that's keeping me from crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I did not send the email, or any email in fact. In the end, it is a waste of my breath. I have not heard from him since sending the text, so maybe for once he is listening. I am so angry...and right now that's keeping me from crying. Here is the first place you need to work on changing. It's NOT about whether or not he's listening. You need to STOP focusing on him. It doesn't matter to you if he's listening or not. It doesn't matter if he "get's it" or not. It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks/feels. All that matters is YOUR own peace and healing. So here's your first mindset change to make. Re-think this...it's not "maybe for once he's listening"...it's "thank God I'm not part of that mess anymore!". Do you have friends/family that you can lean on during this time? A support network that can help you deal with the grief? An "outlet" that you can start putting all of your energy and attention into for a while? I'm thinking like working out, martial arts, running, etc... Something that you can do that will take all of your focus, all of your energy, and leave you so exhausted you crawl into bed at night and crash. It let's you sleep, it helps you to deal with the stress, big time. Just my suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I did not send the email, or any email in fact. In the end, it is a waste of my breath. I have not heard from him since sending the text, so maybe for once he is listening. I am so angry...and right now that's keeping me from crying. I'm glad you didn't send him anything. But don't assume he didn't respond because he's starting to understand. He doesn't understand, Misty. From what you posted, it sounds like he expected you to stay on as his OW until he could gather the courage to move out again. He has no idea of the emotions you are feeling. And it doesn't seem like he's too interested in knowing unless he can use them against you. He's emotionally retarded. Crying is okay, too. It helps to "get the pain out" when done in moderation. Punching pillows is said to be helpful too when you are so angry you could cry. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I am so angry... Good! Just make sure you channel that anger appropriately. Go work out, punch a punching bag (with his imaginary face on it - lol). Then take a nice, long bath with yummy smelling stuff, get a manicure, pedicure. Whatever. Do something for yourself. You'll get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I'm glad you didn't send him anything. But don't assume he didn't respond because he's starting to understand. I honestly don't think he's capable of understanding. Nor does he really want to because he's too busy trying to find a way to be a martyr. If I had to guess, he's feeling like he's sacrificing himself right now for me with the NC. Just like he wants to be a martyr to go hom "for the kid's sake". It's always about some way to justify everything he's done and avoid responsibility for all of it. I wish I could believe it was about the kids. He would disgust me less. He doesn't understand, Misty. From what you posted, it sounds like he expected you to stay on as his OW until he could gather the courage to move out again. He has no idea of the emotions you are feeling. And it doesn't seem like he's too interested in knowing unless he can use them against you. He's emotionally retarded. Agreed. I've said that exact phrase before about him. He said it himself, therapy has been a waste and has done nothing for him. His therapist has expressed conerns about his ability to change. I found this in a book and I think it fits him well: A male partner may have unresolved rage toward a mother who controlled or abused him. In adult life, he may engage in the game of seduction and withdrawal. He invites a woman into his life and seems available for a committed relationship, but keeps declaring his “doubts” and breaking up. Then he comes back and draws her in again, only to pull back soon after. What is going on? He is sincerely confused on a conscious level. Unconsciously, he is setting a scene of seduce and withdraw, which he may repeat often. When he seduces the woman in, he sees her coming toward him with nurturing love. This love reminds him of his mother’s approach that became engulfing. Now, unlike in childhood, he can reject mother/women. The rejection of the woman in the present finally achieves a freedom from his mother in the past. Or maybe he's just a jerk. Or both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Taping this to my mirror: "When our partner refuses to address an issue that affects our relationship, we are being given information we might not want to face…..If the issues are long-standing and non-negotiable, these idea of hoping for change becomes evasion and self-appeasement…..For us to address this issue means getting the message and asking, "Now what for me?" not "Maybe it will change." It is important to notice when the transactions are over and personal action is the suitable alternative. As we become more courageous, getting on with life becomes more valuable than the narcotic comforts of the status quo. .....Processing the message sent by your partner includes looking at what you have been getting out of your predicament or feelings. We Resolve actively when we take the steps that lead to change." --David Richo Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Misty Don't beat yourself up. We can't pick who we love. Setting boundaries now is setting boundaries..some people never do it. Good luck...hang in there...grieving is hard...even when it's the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Hey Misty *hug* How are you doing??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyK Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 It's hard. But I realize that what I'm really missing is the person I thought he is, not the person he is. He will go home and live his life like I never existed, so I don't like the idea that he will still be in my heart for a while. He's hurt me enough. He just sent a text message saying he misses me. I didn't respond. All I could think was, yeah I bet you do you selfish cake-eating motherf-er. But I do miss him. I really loved him. And I feel liked i failed because I couldn't fix what was broken in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 It's hard. But I realize that what I'm really missing is the person I thought he is, not the person he is. He will go home and live his life like I never existed, so I don't like the idea that he will still be in my heart for a while. He's hurt me enough. He just sent a text message saying he misses me. I didn't respond. All I could think was, yeah I bet you do you selfish cake-eating motherf-er. But I do miss him. I really loved him. And I feel liked i failed because I couldn't fix what was broken in him. Sometimes even when we shouldn't be together it still hurts. Be easy with yourself. Hurting and feeling a loss is ok. You loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 And I feel liked i failed because I couldn't fix what was broken in him. We cannot fix other people. We can only fix ourselves. Your MM has to want to change. He has to want to fix what's broken. This is not your failure. It is his. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
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