Almost there - part deux

[sugarmomma]

It is important to notice when the transactions are over and personal action is the suitable alternative. As we become more courageous, getting on with life becomes more valuable than the narcotic comforts of the status quo. .....Processing the message sent by your partner includes looking at what you have been getting out of your predicament or feelings. We Resolve actively when we take the steps that lead to change."

--David Richo

 

Personal action meaning we are responsible for our own happiness. You will get past this Misty. I know its hard to see now but a year from now you will look back and say "who?"

 

This is priceless. What book is this from?

[MistyK]

 

This is priceless. What book is this from?

 

It's from "When the Past is Present" by David Richo.

 

It just took me a long time to accept that he doesn't want to change the things in our relationship that hurt me. He talked a lot about how things would be in the future and all the things he would do, but it was all smoke and mirrors. He didn't do much to enact those things and I don't even think he intended to. Just thinking about acting gave him too much anxiety.

[fooled once]

GEL is right.

 

WE can't change anyone.

 

And the xMM you were with doesn't think he needs to change anything because he isn't 'broken'.

 

Sweetie - you can only heal yourself; not someone else. You know that (hug) I know you are hurting and I am glad you aren't responding to his texts. Can you block him from your phone?

[MistyK]

 

Sweetie - you can only heal yourself; not someone else. You know that (hug) I know you are hurting and I am glad you aren't responding to his texts. Can you block him from your phone?

 

No, because it's a phone on my account. (Lord knows he doesn't have the balls to text me from the phone he has on his W's account).The obvious thing to do would be to shut his line off, but the cancellation fee is prohibitive. I am still without a paycheck so, I'm kinda stuck.

 

Honestly, I know him very well, and I see him giving up pretty quickly. He will be angry with me, feeling like I abandoned him all because he's upset over the suffering of his children or some bullsh*t like that. And because he can't stand the idea of ending up alone, he'll go back to her, just as he said he would.

 

I do find it funny though that he tells me he's going back, looking to me for approval and confirmation of the righteousness of that move and gets pissed when he doesn't get it. Then when I tell him to go and be righteous he says he is not ready to go home yet and is crying a river of tears every night because he misses me, that he is confused. I don't think he's confused at all. He doesn't want to be with his wife but he REALLY doesn't want to end the marriage. He wants both.

 

The vindictive part of me hopes that he understands as he is crying that I felt that every night while he was up playing house with his W, after every broken promise, after every lie was discovered. It sort of pisses me off that he will go home to his life, almost as if nothing happened, and I will be alone in my misery. And I KNOW his W will taunt me. She can't help herself.

 

And in case I had any doubts about the genuineness of his "confusion", I now know that his W called a housesitter for next week when he was supposed to take the kids on vacation. So, evidently the W is going now too. What a rotten bastard. I'm not out of the picture for 3 days and he's putting her on my side of the bed. Maybe I was wrong, maybe they can work it out. I hate for all of this to be for nothing. But - God help me - I don't want to know about it. It's too painful.

[whichwayisup]

And I feel liked i failed because I couldn't fix what was broken in him.

 

Fix what? Noone can 'fix' another person. Or are you talking about rescuing him from himself or the marriage?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Good lord she's so focused on what he's doing...still.

 

When does misty K live her own life without this scumbag! you go around in circles thinking about this situation that SHE herself put herself in!

 

She can't fix him, he cant make her whole. she cannot bring him happiness.

 

wTF? can she not just let go.

[MistyK]

Fix what? Noone can 'fix' another person. Or are you talking about rescuing him from himself or the marriage?

 

Himself. I don't think he ever wanted or needed rescuing from the M. The M wasn't the problem per se....though there were problems in it. He's just an emotional wreck and his M in many ways replicated his childhood family...and I guess I thought I could bring him to a healthier place.

[bentnotbroken]

Himself. I don't think he ever wanted or needed rescuing from the M. The M wasn't the problem per se....thought there were problems in it. He's just an emotional wreck and his M in many ways replicated his childhood family...and I guess I thought I could bring him to a healthier place.

 

 

Healthy is from within, if one wants it. I do believe that he is the majority of the problem in his M. He is a toxic person who pollutes relationships.

[MistyK]

Good lord she's so focused on what he's doing...still.

 

When does misty K live her own life without this scumbag! you go around in circles thinking about this situation that SHE herself put herself in!

 

She can't fix him, he cant make her whole. she cannot bring him happiness.

 

wTF? can she not just let go.

 

Chrome - It's been 3 years, and most of it was more painful than it was worth. My M (a relationship of 12 years) was crappy for the last 10 years, but I stayed until it became intolerable. So yes, I have problems letting go. It doesn't mean I CAN'T, it's just extra hard for me. I have fairly massive abandonment issues coupled with the fact that I've never had security in my life. Ever. I learned that I could not rely on anyone or anything and I seem to pick out people who are unreliable and confirm my lifestory. I have lots of work to do on me. Be patient with me as i work this through.

[OWoman]

Hang in there Misty

 

(((((hugs)))))

[fooled once]

 

And in case I had any doubts about the genuineness of his "confusion", I now know that his W called a housesitter for next week when he was supposed to take the kids on vacation. So, evidently the W is going now too. What a rotten bastard. I'm not out of the picture for 3 days and he's putting her on my side of the bed. Maybe I was wrong, maybe they can work it out. I hate for all of this to be for nothing. But - God help me - I don't want to know about it. It's too painful.

 

How do you know this? Why do you know this? (hug)

 

I DO understand and it takes time. But you have to stop knowing what is going on. You have to stop trying to find out what is going on (not that you are, but in case you were trying to).

 

What activities do you have to keep yourself busy? Are the kids back from their visit with their dad?

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's exactly what i was pointing out, She's still emotionally invested. She should begin to let go. She still interested in what he is doing!

 

I am wishing the best for misty k but what she said about her marriage being bad for 10 yrs I dont believe it. because how could only 2 yrs be good and the rest bad?

 

Cop-out but that's just my opinion.

[NoIDidn't]

Himself. I don't think he ever wanted or needed rescuing from the M. The M wasn't the problem per se....though there were problems in it. He's just an emotional wreck and his M in many ways replicated his childhood family...and I guess I thought I could bring him to a healthier place.

 

Well, guess what his M had in common with his childhood?

 

HIM!!!

 

Ever consider that while you were trying to save him from the marriage that he helped make that way, that HE was a BIG part of the problem?

 

Its sad that you thought you could fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. He just wants everyone else to bend to his will. He is still that child from his childhood emotionally. THAT is why he is an emotional wreck.

 

Misty, when are you going to think about yourself in all this? What is the point of thinking (and posting) about him and your feelings about what was wrong with him? When are you going to consider the person's whose feelings you really SHOULD be concerned with? YOU!

[NoIDidn't]

No, because it's a phone on my account. (Lord knows he doesn't have the balls to text me from the phone he has on his W's account).The obvious thing to do would be to shut his line off, but the cancellation fee is prohibitive. I am still without a paycheck so, I'm kinda stuck.

 

I don't think you are correct about this. You should be able to cut off one of the phones on your account without incurring that fee. You are only turning off one phone, not cancelling the entire contract.

 

Honestly, I know him very well, and I see him giving up pretty quickly. He will be angry with me, feeling like I abandoned him all because he's upset over the suffering of his children or some bullsh*t like that. And because he can't stand the idea of ending up alone, he'll go back to her, just as he said he would.

 

Why care what he thinks of you if its over between you?

 

I do find it funny though that he tells me he's going back, looking to me for approval and confirmation of the righteousness of that move and gets pissed when he doesn't get it. Then when I tell him to go and be righteous he says he is not ready to go home yet and is crying a river of tears every night because he misses me, that he is confused. I don't think he's confused at all. He doesn't want to be with his wife but he REALLY doesn't want to end the marriage. He wants both.

 

Exactly, he wants both. He's crying because he is realizing that when he goes home, you are saying you won't be his escape anymore. He's not confused.

 

The vindictive part of me hopes that he understands as he is crying that I felt that every night while he was up playing house with his W, after every broken promise, after every lie was discovered. It sort of pisses me off that he will go home to his life, almost as if nothing happened, and I will be alone in my misery. And I KNOW his W will taunt me. She can't help herself.

 

If you are being honest with yourself, the vindictive part of you wants to be able to taunt her just as much. Misty, this isn't pretty. He isn't "playing house" with his W, he was doing that with you since he wasn't/isn't divorced yet. And it won't be "almost as if nothing happened". His W will look at him sideways until she decides to trust him again. His going home doesn't mean everything goes back to normal right away. His leaving made a mess of things. Even his kids will be suspicious of his being home for a while.

 

And in case I had any doubts about the genuineness of his "confusion", I now know that his W called a housesitter for next week when he was supposed to take the kids on vacation. So, evidently the W is going now too. What a rotten bastard. I'm not out of the picture for 3 days and he's putting her on my side of the bed. Maybe I was wrong, maybe they can work it out. I hate for all of this to be for nothing. But - God help me - I don't want to know about it. It's too painful.

 

She is his W. She is on HER side of the bed. When will you stop worrying so much about his marriage and what they are doing and start focusing on you?!!! If you don't want to know about it, then why are you here obsessing about it? It wouldn't be so painful if you stop obsessing about what they are doing?

 

(An aside, sounds like the vacation was planned in advance if the W was able to get a housesitter. Sounds like another poster that got the NC talk in the forums, IMO. But this is really an aside, as Misty should stop thinking about them and act like she's serious about getting over him and healing)

[Reggie]

IMO, you are so much better off. The kids , most likely, would have disliked you. That can ruin a relationship, if that is what you'd call this.

[jj33]

Misty hang in there.

 

You are doing a good job at not responding. Now you need to STOP reading the emails. If you cant block them then treat them as spam so that they dont go to your inbox.

 

You dont need to read his stream of consciousness filling you in on what is going on.

 

And if anyone tries to give you information about him, just politely tell them that his life is no longer any of your business and you would prefer not to hear news of him

 

I told a few people that and it helped enormously. Certain people still try to throw his name into conversation but I no longer pick up the bait. And those that used to feel the need to "tell me what they knew" have been told I dont want to know.

[MistyK]

So much for him respecting my boundaries. My phone rang at work at least 3 times from an outside line and I know who it must be. Then started the barrage of text messages about how sorry he is for telling me everytime he has a knee jerk reaction to go home. (Because you know, the problem is not that he's not healthy enough to stop feeling that urge, just that he tells me about it--right.) Why is it so hard to understand that I don't want to be with someone who isn't sure he wants to be with me - at least not sure enough to let his W go?

 

All of his so-called progress with moving out does nothing to give me security because the second something screws up he says he's willing to undo it all even if he doesn't act on going home. He did not go home, yet. I was apparently supposed to understand that all his talk of going home was just "venting" and pay more attention to the action that he didn't go home. But nothing has changed - he still can't let go of his W, even if it means losing me and now I am crying again.

[GreenEyedLady]

So much for him respecting my boundaries. My phone rang at work at least 3 times from an outside line and I know who it must be. Then started the barrage of text messages about how sorry he is for telling me everytime he has a knee jerk reaction to go home. (Because you know, the problem is not that he's not healthy enough to stop feeling that urge, just that he tells me about it--right.) Why is it so hard to understand that I don't want to be with someone who isn't sure he wants to be with me - at least not sure enough to let his W go?

 

All of his so-called progress with moving out does nothing to give me security because the second something screws up he says he's willing to undo it all even if he doesn't act on going home. He did not go home, yet. I was apparently supposed to understand that all his talk of going home was just "venting" and pay more attention to the action that he didn't go home. But nothing has changed - he still can't let go of his W, even if it means losing me and now I am crying again.

 

Cry all you need to...

 

BUT DON'T TALK TO HIM...

 

You said yourself, nothing has changed.

 

But given enough time, YOU will change. You're not going to accept his waffling. You're going to stand up for yourself.

 

You DON'T have to understand anything he says or does. He wants to not get divorced. Now you don't care what he does. Because you broke up.

 

He chose ANOTHER WOMAN over you. Because not making a choice, is a choice in itself.

 

Don't let him know how sad you are and confused. Decide your course of action and be at peace with it. It will drive him crazy when you don't come running back, when you aren't crying on the phone with him, desperate for him to do what you need him to do.

 

When you are aloof, non-responsive, peaceful, and should I say, happy, that will show him you're different.

 

And that he can't keep this 3-ring circus going any longer.

 

You can do it Misty! You don't have to put up with this. Love shouldn't be about one person hurting the other. Decide you want to be happy and go and find it!

 

GEL

 

((HUGS))

[jj33]

Misty call your cell phone provider and find out if you can block his calls and texts. You dont need this. Even just having to delete his texts is provoking anxiety and at this point you are still reading them.

 

Hang in there.

[fooled once]

Please stop talking to him. You are only setting yourself back to square one.

 

He is NOT going to change. He is NOT the man you need NOW in your life.

 

He is a MARRIED man.

 

Please stop listening to him; please stop being the person he dumps on; please stop responding to him. You are going to continue to hurt each time he does this.

 

BUT kudo's on getting a new job! I am glad you found something so quickly!