Should i move in with my girlfriend?

[Roka]

Hi, i really need some help people!

 

I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 18, and we have been in a serious relationship for 3 years now (Please, lets not talk about the age thing, yeah she was young but it all worked out, i even had her parents permission at the time!).

 

We are both moving to another state together next year, she is going to University and i am doing an audio engineering course. Naturally we thought it would be ideal that we move in together over there, everything would be perfect, we can split the costs of living ect.

 

But now there is a nagging part of me that tells me that i should not do it, and that we should live serperatly once we get over there. Im not going to lie, i AM affraid of commitment, i know it, and i think she knows it. I have always lived by a few simple rules that i beleave in: 1. I will never get married 2. I will never have a kid and 3. i will never even get engaged.

 

You see, i love my girlfriend, she is perfect, but we have been together for awhile now and im kinda scared. I hate normality, i dont want to be the nice guy with the nice apartment with a perfect girlfriend and a 9 to 5 job.

 

I plan to change my life when we move states, i have told her this in detail. I am not fully myself where we are now, i dont fully like my life, im not who i want to be. You see, i will be starting a new band when we move over there and i will tend to surround myself with alot of bad behaviour and decadence and drugs, this is what i want, Call me an idiot if you will, but i want to live life the way i see fit, and learn all the harsh mistakes along the way.

 

When i tell her of my future plans she gets real worryed (And for good reason i guess), she is a real nice girl, a bit too nice and clean sometimes, and i predict this might be a downfall later.

 

Should we live together and see how it goes, and hope it does not end in a breakup, or should we live apart and still see each other and hope that we dont drift apart?

 

Thanks for your help people.

[midori]

I think you should live separately. 3 years is plenty of time to get to know each other, sure. But you're both moving into completely different worlds. She'll be free of her parents for the first time, and in a new social environment. You'll be doing new things too. It's a time of exciting change -- but there is sure to be change. Maybe you two will weather all the change as a couple, and grow stronger because of it. Or maybe you won't. But to make yourselves so intricately dependent upon each other by living together during this time would be foolish I think.

 

Live apart, at least for a year or two. You guys can get roommates to share expenses with. Then you can focus on the relationship itself, and not feel obliged to salvage it if things get rocky because of all the turmoil breaking up would cause. In other words, if you do stay together, you'll know it's because you want to be together, not because you don't want to break your lease.

[Roka]

Thanks for the reply midori, its kinda what i was hoping to hear in a way.

 

Now i have to have a "Frank discussion" with her about it, and there lays another problem: Im gutless lol.

I know, its not like i have to tell her we are breaking up or something along those lines, but i know there will be a slight sting, and it will throw the love chemicals in our head out of whack, and i hate that feeling. Oh well, i guess i have to suck it up and be a "Man", or a "Young Man" at least. *sigh*

[Roka]

Anyone care to chuck in a second opinion before i have to have "The Talk"© ?

[moimeme]

One thing to add; if she has never lived alone, then really it would be a bad idea for her to move in with you - same for you, for that matter. People need to learn to live by themselves, not have a 'ready-made' companion at home all the time. Even living with a roommate is different from either living with parents or with a spouse because the emotional connection isn't the same.

 

That in itself should be sufficient reason for you to not move in together.

 

Do you think she thinks you'll change your mind about getting married? I can't imagine why a woman would still want to continue a relationship with someone if she truly believed he'd never marry her or commit to her. That is 'the talk' you really need to have.

 

alot of bad behaviour and decadence and drugs

 

This may sound glamorous. Just remember how many dead rock stars and aspiring rock stars there are due to that sort of life. The one mistake you're not going to learn from is being dead. Drugs aren't toys.

[Roka]

Thanks for the reply moimeme.

 

I understand all the things you are saying, and i have duely noted them.

 

Myself and my girlfriend are really rather different to everyone else i beleave.

We share the same views on marriage: If you love each other enough, then marriage does not mean a thing, apart from something you tell your friends.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Hey Roka -

 

You're actually fairly mature for a 20 year old male. Here's my advice:

 

1) Don't live together after you move - each of you should taste independence and freedom.

 

2) I would recommend that you break up. Why? Because there is so much more pulling you apart than reason to stay together.

 

3) Break this news to her compassionately - but CLEARLY. Don't leave her guessing about what the deal will be.

 

4) Don't do the Janis Joplin / Kurt Cobain self-destructive thing. It's so predictable. It also can kill the fun. Especially with HIV and adulterated street drugs. At least spend some time with the victims of this lifestyle before you dive into it.

 

And if you want to appear especially unique, mature and decadent, stop saying things like:

 

Myself and my girlfriend are really rather different to everyone else i beleave

 

or

 

If you love each other enough, then marriage does not mean a thing, apart from something you tell your friends.

 

Those two cliches are especially tired.

[Roka]

Thanks for the advice ArdeaCandidissima

 

Im not sure we should break up, i mean, she is perfect, but then i guess every young couple who has seen some mild success think that way?

 

I find myself wondering how much we will change when we move states. I mean, she says she wont change at all, but how can she not you know? With all the new people she is around and a new social scene ect.

 

If we are living apart, and it ends, then it ends. It will be hard and painful, but not as much as it would be if we where living together.

 

Im scared of breakups, mainly because i dont want to regret losing someone i care about and have put so much time and effort into. I think i would rather stay together and let things happen naturally.