She wants a seperation

[Taylor532]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have 3 children. We have had some passionate arguements in the past. She is the bread winner. We moved to a large city with her job 3 years ago. I tried to work from home the first year, then worked with the same company as her for 1 year until arthritis forced me to quit. I had a job offer 6 mo. ago that I turned down, and everything has gotten worse since then. I am now working part time again and still taking the lead role in cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids.

 

She wants to get seperated. We have been trying to sell our house to move back to the small town we came from. Mutual decision to move back. She has transferred with her company so she can commute from there. She works nights on a week off a week. She stays with my sister the week she works, we don't see her for a week at a time, but we call and talk several times a day. This has gone on since Sept. We have been trying to sell our house since Aug.

 

She has been very honest about her feelings the last few weeks. She been giving me all the warning of our problems with our marriage. She doesn't feel the way she used to, she doesn't know if she can try anymore. She says she needs time to see what she wants. I have been trying to change myself. The way I act toward her and the kids. I have been reading post and books on relationship rescue working on myself. I have lost ten pounds and look better. I am working and willing to change because I love her more than anything. She is my closest friend I have here in this city. She says she will always care for me, but she says when we kiss she doesn't want to. She feels she is leading me on. She doesn't want to hurt me.

 

We can seperate, each of us keeping the kids different weeks. How can we work things out if we aren't together? I'm scared of being single again. I don't want anyone else, but my wife. How can I win her back? Is this the end? She says I am a great guy and she should feel lucky. She says she can't say one bad thing about me, but that I treat are boy more harshly.

 

Can seperation help? How long will it take to change the way we feel? What should I do?

[Roka]

Hi, I feel for ya man.

 

I have only been with my girlfriend 3 years and we are not even married yet, but when something goes wrong i think "How can this be happening after all these years, it should be perfect by now"

 

Then i come across someone like you who is married and going through a worser hell and i think im not doing so bad anymore. Sorry man, i dont mean for that to come across bad, im just trying to help myself realise the pain you are in compared to mine.

 

I cant give you much advice since im not an expert in that area (Not yet anyway), but i would like to say i feel for ya and here are some words of wisdom...

 

*No matter how bad things seem to be, they allways tend to work themselfs out, even if it does not feel like it.

 

Look after your young ones and good luck to you.

[Kay]

Hi, Taylor. First of all, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeliing. Please know that you are surrounded by support on this forum, especially by others who are experiencing a similar situation.

 

 

It's hard to say this and even harder to accept, but you probably do not have a choice regarding your wife's actions. You cannot change to suit her, nor should you want to. The best gift you can give her right now is time and patience. You do not have to enable her to divorce you or even separate if you do not want to. You do not have to do anything! Don't allow yourself to be forced into taking an action that is contrary to your own wishes.

 

 

Tell her you love her, tell her you understand that she needs this time to sort out her feelings and then the hard part. Step back. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but the wisest. Continue to support your children, love them to pieces and give your wife time to figure out what : a)she has b)she wants and c)whether or not she is willing to work on your marriage. This might sadly mean that she needs to separate from you in order to do so. But let HER make the next move.

 

 

It breaks my heart to read your comment that "she has been giving you warnings" of the problems in your marriage. Maybe she thinks she has, but if you didn't recognize them or understand them completely, then you must stop beating yourself up. Sometimes it's just not possible to catch all the hidden meanings and non-verbal communication that our spouse is supposedly giving us. A marriage takes work and you are not solely to blame for what has happened to your relationship.

 

 

Have you suggested marriage counseling? Or, if she refuses, please get counseling for yourself. It can make an incredible difference as you take this difficult journey ahead.

 

 

You will survive this. Be kind to yourself. I care.

[Taylor532]

Thanks for the support. I feel better today about what we are going through. My wife and I continue to talk, and we have agreed that I will stay with my parents this weekend until my wife needs to go back to work next week. She will stay with one of her friends from work next week while I keep the kids here at home, and then switching each week.We think this will better on the kids than moving them between homes right now. She said, "Give me wings" meaning set her free and see if she comes back. She says she has to see what she wants like you said Kay. Should we talk daily when we call for our kids or should I leave her alone completely? We are still talking without any little more than a smart comment once in a while.

 

I will be looking for a new career in our old home town. I hope to do some things I enjoy to make myself happier and more confident. I have tried to contact a person with the church we have attended to find some counseling, does anyone have any advice about church counselors or going to a professional, any pros or cons. I want god in my life and plan on taking the kids to church regularly again.

 

I love her and will miss her terrible, but we both need to let this play out I feel. I hope for the best whatever it may be.

[Kay]

Hi, Taylor. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. Take one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. Every day brings new challenges but little by little, I hope you can take a moment to appreciate the good, solid things in your life.

 

 

Personally, I believe counseling, whether it be spiritual or agnostic, is always helpful. I found that going to a therapist and attending church was the best choice for me. I also went on antidepressants which helped me think a bit more rationally and calmly. They are not "happy" pills, though. They just make it easier for me to remain on an even keel. You would need to see an MD/psychiatrist for medication. Just a thought.

 

 

You asked about whether or not you should talk to your wife while you deal with your children day to day. Again, just my opinion, but I found that the more I back off (but remained kind), the more my husband comes forward. Kind of screwy logic, but true in my case.

 

 

Time, Taylor. Concentrate on YOU and your kids. Do something you enjoy. Keep yourself healthy, keep busy. Allow your wife to witness first hand that, while you continue to love her, you are also moving forward. Not just to prove anything to her, but to let her see that you are a strong, kind, compassionate man and Dad to your children.

 

Keep posting. I care, Kay

[Taylor532]

I feel better about everything each day. It's been six days since she told me she wanted the separation, and three days apart now. I love her with all my heart, and I would like to start working things out, but she says she is still 50/50 on whether she wants to try. I respect and understand that and plan on giving her plenty of space.

 

We are being very civil toward each other being honest, understanding, and supportive of each others needs. She calls me a few times a day. She has been getting lots of advice and best wishes from family. Some is the good kind of support telling her to work on herself or to see a counselor for herself. But then there are bad advice from some cousins who are recently divorced wanting my wife to go out with her clubbing to pickup guys. She says she is totally not thinking about that, but it worries me some.

 

I went to our church Sunday,which we were members of three years ago, and it was as if the pastor knew I was coming and what my problems were. His basic message was that God overrides everything, and that if you have god in your heart things will always work out. I know that might mean that we work things out or it may mean a divorce is in our future. Either way I feel I can come to grips with it with god in my life.

 

Thanks for the support Kay.

[Lester]

Its the toughest rollercoaster ride of emotions you'll ever go through. Hang in there. Your starting off with the right attitude. I am in somewhat the same situation as you. My wife has been gone for 3 months now and I like you truly love her and am just now starting to come to terms with it. Trust me when I say it gets worse before it gets better so be prepared. Mine came and got her Christmas stuff yesterday, ouch, I wonder what her plans are.

 

Keep your sanity and a level head and you'll get through it whatever the outcome......Good luck. I do understand.

[zero]

Hello

 

Im not sure if you have read my posts, but it seems we are going through the same thing here. I really do feel for you. In a way I take you and everybody else in here as a type of comfort. With others going through the same issues - I feel less alone.

 

I do have a question for you. Have you set up a limit for yourself (dont tell her what it is) on how long you plan to wait while she rides the 50/50? Have you two decided to go to counceling? Have you decided to go yourself?

 

Like you - although my wife has asked for a divorce - I want things to work out. I am trying to stay positive about my current situation. I dont call her - she calls me. We are very civil as well - although Ill admit I find it difficult not to get choked up - being civil with my wife is tough - almost hollow.

 

The hardest part for me is trying to figure out how long I will wait to find out if she wants to try. When do I say "we either try or we move forward with the divorce..."

 

And when I say try im not saying that we will succeed. Just to try. I want nothing more than to give my marriage 100%. If we go to counceling and find that the changes are either too great or one of us is not willing to make those changes or incapable - at least we gave it a chance. To me the only failure is not trying.

 

good luck man. Im always here to talk if you need.

 

here is a good quote for you - and I feel this way everyday right now. But there is a plan for me and I have to keep the faith that He will take me where He wants me to go.

 

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players,* to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. * i.e., everbody.

[Taylor532]

Hey zero and Kay thanks again for the support, but I have a question or two. We have been seperated for 3 weeks now she is still riding the fence. Her sister had a breakup with her husband over the sisters affair with another man, my wifes sister's husband left and then she asked him back the very next day to work things out and now she (the sister) wonders if she decided to fast. Well my wife has seen this and being a very intelligent person has been very diligent in saying that until she is ready to put forth a 100% effort she isn't going to try. I havn't been giving her quit as much space as she needs, we have spent 2 nights together at our house a week apart while trading of with the kids. We have shared intimate moments each of those nights, but it hasn't been very comfortable for either of us. I had questioned her about if she would be interested in going to see Sheenia Twain in concert, and she said she would love to go to the concert, but her Dad and step mom are in town for Thanksgiving and concerns over money she said we couldn't.

 

So I was thinking that I will give her lots of space over the next 2 weeks, and I was going to get tickets to the Nut Cracker and buy her a little black dress to go out and afterwords walk the canal and see the christmas lights. Is this pushing it still? Should I wait on her to instigate some sort of coming together of things or until she is 100% ready to try or 100% ready to quit. Ladies your help would be appreciated. Am I way off in my thinking here? Is something romantic going to help spark something in her or should we try a date with a counselor first? She still doesn't want to go to a counselor, and I can't get in until Dec. 11.

 

Lester I hope things work out for you, thanks for the support. We decided to tell the kids everything thats going on so they wouldn't think that it was there falt. I have been up and down. Not the kind of rollercoaster I like. I have to keep a positive attitude and not let degrading thoughts creep in.

 

We did find out that she will get the tranfer to our old home town in Jan. so we will both be moving there, but I don't know if it will be together. It came as very good news, but the next morning I had tried to reassure her I would always be there for our kids. But, then I mentioned that my Dad had said that if it comes to a divorce I should try to get the kids, but I was trying to say that we could always raise the kids together. Well she blew up about it, not so much at me, but at the fact that my dad didn't think she was a good mom (which isn't what he said). It ended with us being civil about it, but the damage was done. My big mouth! I have always told here everything and it can get me in a jam. She is a great mom and I love her, I will miss her on the holidays very much. But, she needs her space.

 

Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

[Taylor532]

I'm ready to give up on trying to change her mind. Every time we talk about us it goes nowhere, just making both of us feel bad. She is saying she doesn't want our marriage right now and doesn't know if she ever will. She will say I need to make myself happy and be independent of here. She will say she just needs to be on her own for a while. What do I do?

 

She found out she is getting the job in our old home town starting in Jan. and she was very happy about that. Our house has been for sale since August and she has worked every other week away from home. She has had a lot of stress and I have tried to get her to go to couciling for herself, but she refuses to try saying it costs to much or she doesn't have the energy to go. So now, how can I help her?'

 

I feel like when the house sells it will be over. Nothing left together but credit card debt and the kids. She is planning on moving in with her brother if the house doesn't sell by the time she starts her new job. She also wants to start the kids in the school where the brother lives after Christmas, but I would like to start them in the school where her job is and where we will both live soon. How can I say anything with out making matters worse?

 

She is very hard on herself. She will say she is a f/?!ing flake just like her mom(married 4 times), she'll say she is all fu$&ed up and doesn't know what she wants. I feel bad too and feel I need help. I can't stop thinking about it 24 hours a day. I was looking at our insurance coverage and it had a long list of "license professional councilors" and only two family/marriage therapist, what is a license professional councilor qualified to do and has anyone been to one?

 

If it comes to a divorce, which I don't want at all, since I am the man and have been staying home with the kids off and on over the last three years and She has made over 100,000 last year and this year am I looking at loosing the kids and paying child support? I might need help to get by, will a judge give alimony to a man? I wouldn't need very much but for rent or food. I have been trying to get a job, and I will soon. It just sucks to be in this spot I have put myself in. I had a good job three years ago when we moved for her job, now I HAVE NOTHING. Sorry to be whining I know I have to be strong. Just feeling like giving up on everything.

[Taylor532]

Sunday we were trading off with the kids for the week, she said we need to talk. She said she has pretty much made up her mind that she wants a divorce. Said all week away from me she didn't frown or argue making her feel better. Well, I had started reading "STOP MY DIVORCE" by Mcdonald and I said "I understand, I know we can't be happy the way things are, but I would have liked to work it out." I even told her that each of us are responsible for our own happiness. Went well until she mentioned that some guys have showed some interest in dating her, but she wasn't ready for that. I let her see that it bothered me. She encouraged me to see someone if I find the right person. I have not decided on that yet.

 

I go to see the a family therapist on the 9th. He is well recommended and has a PHD. She will call and say"I feel like I am Crazy and might get some help for that even though it may not help us at all. I asked her the next morning if she would like to schedule an appointment with the doctor as well. I knew she wouldn't want to saying it costs to much and that she didn't want to. I told her I understand and that she may be able to work things out, but I need some help, I want to be happy again. I told her that I slept about 2 hours last night. She said I thought you were of with it this weekend. I said I was,but need some help. We could split the time with the doctor working on our own problems. How do I approach her about that.

 

I have quit pressuring, given up on trying to change her, focusing on being happy, trying not to disagree, but I still have this anxiety my chest hurts I can't quit thinking about it. She fears a ugly divorce, but I don't want that trying to stay positive her. Wow! A month goes by and the decisions already been made. I guess so.

[Kay]

Hi, Taylor. Again, I am so sorry to hear your pain. I don't have any new advice for you except to tell you that you need to find yourself a lawyer and get things in order so that you are ready if/when she files. You don't have to tell her your every move. Find an attorney that offers a free consultation and begin to access your financials, support, alimony and custody options. All you are doing is protecting yourself and your rights as a Dad. There are many internet resources regarding Father's rights in divorce. Do a search and find out what is out there to help.

 

 

We share a lot in common, particularly with our houses for sale. In my case, we put our house on the market over a year ago with the intent of "scaling down" and for a "fresh start." (after I found out about my husband's emotional affair with my best friend and that he "didn't love me anymore.")

 

 

Here we are, over a year later, still together in the same house and even sleeping together (2 months now!!) for the first time in a year; yet, I really don't know what my husband will do when we finally sell the house. He has told me not to plan my life and future around him and that he doesn't know what he will do when we move. So, although we are making progress, the future is still very much in limbo.

 

 

I know now that if my husband does not move into a new house with me and our kids, it is over. I will be the one filing for divorce, even tho' my husband is the one who initially wanted one. I also know that even if he does move in with us, we will need counseling and if he refuses, I will ask for a separation.

 

 

Taylor, it's the worst ride of our lives, but we will ultimately survive. If our spouses truly don't want to be with us, we each deserve to be with someone who does. It an individual choice how long someone can wait for someone they love. Continue to give your wife space and don't feel pressured to go the legal route until you are absolutely sure YOU are no longer able to give her time. Really; if she is the one who isn't happy, SHE should be the one to initiate the divorce. All you need to do is be prepared.

 

Please keep in touch. I care. Kay