Messed up... Trying to figure out what she wants

[rocket87]

First off, Thanks in advance for any help you guys/girls provide for me. I'm a pretty fortunate guy. I like to look at life optimistically and I don't take advantage of people. I'm a win-win type and I love embracing the good qualities in everyone and helping people shine.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for just under two years, and its not your typical boyfriend/girlfriend casual dating/serious relationship - we are closer than anything I've ever experienced or seen in any movie or any story or anywhere. It feels like there's nothing that could rip us apart. As all relationships, we've had some ups and downs but to put our compassion into perspective, we have traveled many times together across the country, we spend tons of time together, we "were" living together at my parents house (I've since moved since what happened both for me to become independent and to help her feel more comfortable since she'd had anxieties about my siblings/parents/etc.), we're simply perfect for each other. But anyway, here's what happened...

 

 

I was taking this medicine for "ADD" for about five years, since I was in high school, it also helped me with weight loss. (the both of us go to college together now, that's how we met.) The medicine is called Adderall, I'm sure many of you have heard of it but if not, it's basically speed legalized (literally it's legal amphetamines which = speed) anyway, it gave me a really bad temper/anger problem when I'd get really pissed off - so what happened was around 3 fridays ago, almost 3 weeks now, the girlfriend and i got in a little hissy fit about something really, really stupid (particularly, my business phone rang, and she didnt want me to answer the phone because we were in the middle of talking, but i did anyway) and she was so upset that i answered the phone because we were in the middle of talking and that i "chose" the phone over her. Technically, it was understandable she was so pissed becuase she had something else (medical issue) that was going on and she was in a overall sour/pissy mood because of the medical thing. Anyway, she just kinda ignored it but acted pissed and was in a sour mood about it, but instead of ALSO dropping the issue, i went on about how ridiculous it was that she gets all pissed off about me answering a phone when it rings. so anyway, after me bitching for 5-10 minutes (which i should have just dropped it obviously), she got up, started collecting all of her shat from my house (books, clothes, laptop, etc.), said she's done, has had enough, etc. i freaked out cause i didnt want to miss-out on my girlfriend from a week-long break or continue fighting over something so stupid and I just wanted to resolve the issue right then and there, or even later that night or something. anyway, things got a little physical between us, for example i was being a little hissy baby and at one point I grabbed a bag of books she had and threw them on the floor. I wasn't really in control of my actions. She texted her friend in the middle of this "brb fighting with my bf" or something like that and then her friend called the police because my gf hadn't responded after 5-10 minutes. we had some physical contact, and it resulted in her having a bruise on each of her wrists somehow, it was nothing serious but i must have grabbed her hand at one point too hard trying to get her attention. I was begging her to just talk it out and not leave.

 

sooner or later, when we calmed down and stopped arguing... police showed up, they asked if everything was okay. it was right before my gf was about to leave with all her stuff. they saw my gf with burises on wrists. they told me to turn around, handcuffed my sorry ass, and took me to the station. when i was in the back of the car my gf was begging the guys not to take me and she was freakin hysterical. i sat there for 3 hours and then they told me they had no case (duh) so they just let me go and said they had nothing. So now, my gf says she needs time to heal and she needs time to herself and that i need to improve myself and get serious help/medication, etc. She told me she'd come back to me once I get help and if I don't hurt her again. I stopped taking the adderall, and i'll never take that poison again (I hated it anyway and it's effects on my mind, I only took it for the weight loss). I saw 2 psychologists and a psychiatrist to make sure i didnt have something crazy like bi-polar and they are pretty convinced it was the adderall causing me to act up and throw fits and lose control.

 

so 3 weeks have passed so far. my gf wont do anything except for text me every so often, maybe 10-15 times a day. she still says she loves me and that im her "one and only." if i ever bring up (which ive done a few times) calling her on the phone or perhaps talking for a few minutes on the phone, she freaks out and tells me to leave her alone and basically ignores me for a day or two saying that i shouldn't ask her to talk. needless to say, i havent asked her to talk for a couple days now and she still hasn't called, but we are still texting occasionally. last night she told me that she trusted me, which was shocking, it made me smile from ear to ear, and then before bed she said goodnight and i love you. but then this morning for example, i texted her good morning, how are you, etc. and she hasn't responded all day.

 

I feel like she's playing games intentionally to be manipulative and she's testing me, even if it's subliminally, to try and see if I'll freak out again. I know I did a shatty thing and I know it wont happen again because I know my body and how it reacts on and off the adderall and that is one f*%$ed up drug and I would never risk losing my girl over something like this again.

 

Can anyone please give me some insight on what I should be doing or what I can say, act, etc. to get my baby back? I've never felt so depressed in my life, I've never had such low times like this, I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore because this girl was my destiny and my dreams. I've been setting myself up for the worse by trying to cope without her, just in case she runs off and finds someone else, I know it's going to be hard and I'm hoping she'll come back to me... I know she needs time, I know she needs space, but what can I do to cope? I've been working out like crazy, I am eating better than I was even on the adderall, I am getting help for myself and just like she asked and told me she needed me to do.

 

I guess the biggest thing that kills me is that one night she'll text me I love you, I trust you, etc. and then she'll ignore me for a day... Keep in mind, before all of this happened, we used to text eachother like freakin maniacs and literally it wouldn't be more than a few minutes between responding. We easily texted 300+ messages a day each. I'm going to continue to wait for her to call me and I'm not going to ask her to again... She said she will, but that shes just not ready yet. So I hope that isn't just a way to ditch me. I even tried the whole "ignore her back" kinda thing one day last week when she was doing what she is doing today by not responding to anything I send her, and then later that night she texted me back with "why haven't u texted me all day... when you don't text me i miss you."

 

Thanks again for any help, I could really use it, I'm not doing so good and my arms are wide open for this girl. I know it's not healthy to say but I really need her in my life, we had the biggest plans together, I can't lose her.. Maybe it's just as simple as she just needs space and I need to suck it up and wait? Maybe I need to be a man about it and tell her to figure it out or I'm going to move on? Thanks again for anything, you guys are the best.

 

rocket