Do I keep trying to make it work or quit?

[sinking]

I have been married two months to an older man. For the most part, I believe he is a good person. It is the other side that I can't contend with or understand. The mood swings he has are like day and night. Of course, when he is happy and things are going his way, well, let's just say there is peace. But, when he changes to a sour mood (in a flash), I don't know who I am dealing with. He becomes cold, cruel, obnoxious, and simply unwilling to be civil. My reaction has been varied, based on trying to console and not make the situation worse. We both work and travel constantly. I see him at least once every month. Yes, the distance is causing a lot of havoc. I want to be with him and have a normal routine, but that means I would have to quit my job and therefore not be a equal contributor (financially) for a short period of time. The burdens would be on him until I was able to find a proper job that ensured we maintained a comfortable lifestyle. My husband claims that he does miss me and wants me home. We wants us to "follow" the plan of being together, having a home, and raising a family( he has three older children and I have none). He expects me to have a job of equal salary, as soon as I move back.

 

I have become to feel desolate. The feelings, fears, and concerns I have are falling on deaf ears. He becomes very upset and rude when I do mention that I am stressed, or when I question him about the bills. We have a joint account and I am not allowed to really spend money on anything. I am a professional career woman, and work hard to maintain a professional appearance. To him, me getting my hair done is a waste of money. Yet, he surely likes it when the check is sent home each month.

 

Right now, I am hurt.....more than I can even express. I thought, I married a strong -willed man and knew that he was set in his ways on some things. But, this other side, I can't explain. I am angry and really just tired of carrying all the emotional, financial, and even physical burdens. Seemingly, everything is my fault. I am to blame for the expenses, I am to blame for his unhappiness, I am to blame for being emotional and trying to talk to my husband on particular issues.

 

The difficulty is deciding to stay and fight (meaning...make things better) after only two months, or simply throw up my hands and say, I have done the best I can". I don't feel he loves or cares nearly enough, then again I don't know because he never talks to me about how he feels. He sees it as a weakness.

 

I know I have to get off the fence one way or anther, but I need some insight from folks on the outside.

[moimeme]

Here's what I don't get - surely he was like this before you married him? So why did you marry him?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Very tough situation, my sympathies. I can't help asking...how long and how well did you know him, and why did you marry him? Was it somehow an act of desperation? Because that newlywed time should be when the starry eyes gloss over all the flaws, yet what you describe sounds like the most hellish 20-year marriage gone stone cold and ruined beyond remediation.

 

Whether to stay and fight for improvement...you married a damaged, difficult, controlling, unpleasant man. He's probably chronically depressed, to the point where even if his depression were cured, he'd have to relearn new behaviors and modes of thinking to ever be happy and acceptable to live with. Kind of like a stroke victim learning to walk and talk again. It takes years and the outcomes are uncertain. You will suffer again and again to the point where you will also be damaged emotionally.

 

If I were you, based just on what you've said, I'd be out of there like a flash and pretend this marriage never even happened. And when I went looking for a real husband, I would insist one someone who was emotionally healthy and acted caring toward me - even if I had to compromise on income or appearance.

[chanya_chip]

you're not 'allowed' to spend money? isn't half of it yours and aren't you a capable adult? i don't understand...something i'm not getting here...

[cute_n_sweet21]

Like the saying goes ," You cant teach an old dog new tricks." Well only way to deal with this is to realize that men will find anyone or anything to blame things on , like you said you are blamed for the finacial problems, etc.. when really its their own fault. YOU have the right to spend money just as much as he can. He needs to take a good look in the mirror and see that hes part of the problem himself and try to improve his own flaws. Tell him to go take a drive and clear his mind when he gets in those moods, thats what i tell my fiance and he comes back and sees that he was out of line and sorry for his actions. Men do like you say ..when they get their way they are happy and content but when u want something he gets all mad, so tell him that he needs to compromise on the situation at hand .. ExAmPlE of this would be something like : YOU want to eat at your fav resturant but he doesnt , and when he starts gettin angry b/c u want ure way , tell him something like this , "We'll come home and watch ure fav football game IF you come and eat with me at my fav place.." Just combine something u know he likes doin and it'll change his mind about a few things maybe not all them but you both will be gettin ure ways. Hopefully that will help you some. good LUCK!