Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Hi gang, I know that similar topic comes up here and there but I guess I was just hoping to get some direct feedback to my sob(?) story Here it goes... We're both in our early 30's (I'm a few years older than her), essentially been together for over 7 years (met, lived together for 6+ then moved/semi-separated for a year). She wants to move onto the next stage of her life (getting married, have kids) and has made it clear pretty much for most of our time together (waited a few years while she went away to grad school, worked, etc). About a year ago she proposed to me and I said no - that was the reason why we ended up not living together anymore (I asked for some time to figure things out for myself). We never really broke-up, kept seeing each other and still considered ourselves a couple. It wasn't what I had in mind initially when we moved out of our apartment, we just drifted back together again. Fast forward a year later and I was presented with a choice of either getting married or ending relationship for good and never having any contact again (her words, although I understand). The "deadline" came and I initially said "no" but ended-up changing my mind after lots of tears and debating it in my head, so I "quasi-proposed" (no real ring but the word was said). A few days later, she's ina full "move back together and wedding planning" mode while I'm still shell shocked, here's why. I can't really find anything significantly wrong with her - loves me, great w/ kids, friendly, caring, smart, good w/ money, clean, etc., etc - in other words it's nearly perfect on paper. There are some temper issues and my family picked-up on that (so they weren't sold on her) but I think it's something that we can deal with. The problem is that right after I "proposed" I felt like someone threw a rock on my chest and it pretty much stayed there (it's a little less heavy but I can still feel it). It pretty much goes away when I don't think about it but once I start thinking about it again - that heaviness returns. Is it just cold feet? See, I don't really think that I want to get married... It seems like the right thing to do but I just don't know, something just feels weird and I can't put my finger on it. She's all excited and all, I'm trying to be happy too but it's just weird. In any case, what do you guys think, did I make a mistake or just being insanely stupid and about to throw a 7+ year relationship away? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Listen to your instinct that tells you not to do it. She may be great but she may not be the one for you. As hard as it will be for her, no woman wants her future husband to feel the way you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I agree with Allina that it sounds like you just aren't sure. After 7 years you should know without a doubt whether or not she is the one for you...you wouldn't have said "no" to her proposal had she been. No woman should have to force a man to marry her, so honestly for her sake and yours I think you should go with your gut and if it says that she isn't the one for you then end the relationship so she can find someone who is "the one." Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Fast forward a year later and I was presented with a choice of either getting married or ending relationship for good and never having any contact again (her words, although I understand). The "deadline" came and I initially said "no" but ended-up changing my mind after lots of tears and debating it in my head, so I "quasi-proposed" (no real ring but the word was said). How did you feel about the prospect of never having any contact again with her? Is that something you are willing to choose under your current circumstances? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I think you guys are right, I just wish I could put my finger on what is it that bothers me so much, especially since she's such a great person. I always thought that I would just know when I would want to get married, but this feels just... forced maybe? I should be excited, happy, etc., yet I'm just feeling this sense of dread sometimes. I thought that maybe it was just something normal but... Somebody told me that since we stayed together for such a long time then it couldn't have been THAT bad or I would have just walked away. Maybe I just felt bad/scared or something, I dunno... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 How did you feel about the prospect of never having any contact again with her? Is that something you are willing to choose under your current circumstances? I felt really sad about it, but it wasn't "oh my god it's going to be unbearable" type-of thing. That may change of course if it comes to it, y'know? Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 It's hard when someone is great but not "I know I can vow to love you for the rest of my life" great, which seems to be the case. If she was awful and treated you poorly it would be easier to leave than in your case, when there's nothing wrong with her, she just isn't the one. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 That may change of course if it comes to it, y'know? This last part of your answer is very telling and only you know the answer. You need to really focus on this part and get clear on your feelings. Really ask yourself how will you feel if you choose to move on and as a result you never are able to have contact with her again. As a result of your choices, can you see her forever not part of your life and her moving on to be with another guy? Once you get a better understanding of how you will feel, you'll get certainty as to what you should to do. It's not fair to you and your g/f if you decide to move on and then suddenly find yourself changing your mind. One more thing. In scenarios like yours it's easy to say that she must not be "the one", but from what you've written in your posts, it sounds like you don't have an issue with your g/f but more with your own internal fears of yourself and how your life would be as a married person. Have you tried individual counselling to address your fears? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I already found something wrong with her. She's an idiot. That's the first thing, the second thing, she doesn't really want to marry YOU. If it comes down to that ultimatem of "I get what I want or I walk." A) you're not being smart B) you're wanting to get married, but you're not wanting to marry the person specifically, you're just wanting to get married. Anyone who is deeply, madly in love with another person A) wouldn't take their pitty crumbs and find them acceptable (that's basically what marrying a woman out of blackmail is, ok?). So, I agree. She isn't right for you, you aren't right for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 One more thing. In scenarios like yours it's easy to say that she must not be "the one", but from what you've written in your posts, it sounds like you don't have an issue with your g/f but more with your own internal fears of yourself and how your life would be as a married person. Have you tried individual counselling to address your fears? I haven't tried counseling per se, I did talk to some folks who have experience in this area, but it's obviously not the same thing. And of course I probably wouldn't be posting here if I did Things to ponder... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I already found something wrong with her. She's an idiot. That's the first thing, the second thing, she doesn't really want to marry YOU. If it comes down to that ultimatum of "I get what I want or I walk." A) you're not being smart B) you're wanting to get married, but you're not wanting to marry the person specifically, you're just wanting to get married. Anyone who is deeply, madly in love with another person A) wouldn't take their pitty crumbs and find them acceptable (that's basically what marrying a woman out of blackmail is, ok?). So, I agree. She isn't right for you, you aren't right for her. You know, I can sorta understand the ultimatum thing (after all, 7 years is a long time), but you certainly make a valid point. Maybe I'm just blinded and trying to feel things out of pity and rationalizing it somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 You know, I can sorta understand the ultimatum thing (after all, 7 years is a long time), but you certainly make a valid point. Maybe I'm just blinded and trying to feel things out of pity and rationalizing it somehow. Understand what? Yes, 7 years is a long time I agree- but if a man isn't willing to comitt to you by free will, why the hell do you WANT him to comitt to you at all unless what is really your concern is the idea of being married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Hmm, I can't answer that one... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Understand what? Yes, 7 years is a long time I agree- but if a man isn't willing to comitt to you by free will, why the hell do you WANT him to comitt to you at all unless what is really your concern is the idea of being married. Basterd needs to exercise his free will and make a choice one way or the other otherwise she will exercise her free will and move on and then he may regret the consequences of his inaction. After 7 years, it's not unreasonable for the g/f to ask him to choose if he wants to get married or end the relationship. She is trying to bring clarity to the situation, while he seems to be afraid to make a decision. He tries to ride the fence by making a quasi-proposal but then is shell shocked when she starts to make wedding plans. I don't understand what he was expecting to occur. Continuing to go on the way they have been doing is unfair to her and him. I agree that after 7 years, the g/f now needs to ask herself what she sees in him and why she is hanging around any longer after having accepted his indecisivness for so long. If her concern is the idea of being married as you state she would have moved on to someone else long time ago, but for whatever reason, she believes in him for a partner. But, shifting the focus onto the g/f doesn't help Basterd resolve his own fears. He needs to focus on his own fears and determine what is holding him back from committing or moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Basterd needs to exercise his free will and make a choice one way or the other otherwise she will exercise her free will and move on and then he may regret the consequences of his inaction. After 7 years, it's not unreasonable for the g/f to ask him to choose if he wants to get married or end the relationship. She is trying to bring clarity to the situation, while he seems to be afraid to make a decision. He tries to ride the fence by making a quasi-proposal but then is shell shocked when she starts to make wedding plans. I don't understand what he was expecting to occur. Continuing to go on the way they have been doing is unfair to her and him. I agree that after 7 years, the g/f now needs to ask herself what she sees in him and why she is hanging around any longer after having accepted his indecisivness for so long. If her concern is the idea of being married as you state she would have moved on to someone else long time ago, but for whatever reason, she believes in him for a partner. But, shifting the focus onto the g/f doesn't help Basterd resolve his own fears. He needs to focus on his own fears and determine what is holding him back from committing or moving on. That's what I'm saying. If marriage was something important to me, I wouldn't have let it come down to me having to say "look, we get married or I'm done." If I want to marry the person, and he doesn't want to marry me, it may hurt but I'd never trully feel good about marrying someone who did it because I backed them into the corner, since they didn't have it them to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I felt really sad about it, but it wasn't "oh my god it's going to be unbearable" type-of thing. That may change of course if it comes to it, y'know? You shouldn't marry her then. If you really want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them the thought of never seeing them again would just tear your heart out. It won't change either, if you two did break up I think you would just mourn the lost of the relationship, not her. Oh and her being a great person a good woman doesn't mean you should marry her. She could be perfect but just not right for you. Nothing she did, it just wasn't meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Basterd, your life is your own. YOU are responsible for your actions and consequences that go with it. Time to piss or get off the pot. It's unfair to your fiancee. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Time to piss or get off the pot. It's unfair to your fiancee. I know that... Ultimatum issue aside, I'm just trying to understand what's making me feel so weird inside while I can't find anything specific to pin down as the cause either with me or her. It just that while I think I should feel like I want to get married and not that I "have to" get married because it's the next logical step. Ugh... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I know that... Ultimatum issue aside, I'm just trying to understand what's making me feel so weird inside while I can't find anything specific to pin down as the cause either with me or her. It just that while I think I should feel like I want to get married and not that I "have to" get married because it's the next logical step. Ugh...Are your parents still happily married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Are your parents still happily married? They are still married, 2nd marriage for both of them. As to whether they're happily married or not - not sure. There were occasional arguments when I was growing up, sometimes they got heated, but overall I'd say they're fairly happy. I believe that they love each other quite a bit and would do anything for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 They are still married, 2nd marriage for both of them. As to whether they're happily married or not - not sure. There were occasional arguments when I was growing up, sometimes they got heated, but overall I'd say they're fairly happy. I believe that they love each other quite a bit and would do anything for each other.Ever been married? How did your previous relationships end? Any lasting effects from them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Ever been married? How did your previous relationships end? Any lasting effects from them? Nope, never been married. I'd say that that I only had two serious relationships - one throughout most of college and then my current one ever since (so about a 12 year span). Had some random hook-ups in between. It took me a while to get over break-up my college GF (she essentially broke things off although things were really rocky by that point anyway). I was probably 90% over her when I started my current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Nope, never been married. I'd say that that I only had two serious relationships - one throughout most of college and then my current one ever since (so about a 12 year span). Had some random hook-ups in between. It took me a while to get over break-up my college GF (she essentially broke things off although things were really rocky by that point anyway). I was probably 90% over her when I started my current relationship.What's your view on marriage, in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 What's your view on marriage, in general? Not really opposed to it, at the core I view it more as a support structure for kids if they ever come. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Not really opposed to it, at the core I view it more as a support structure for kids if they ever come.Take your g/f out of the equation, when responding to this question. Are you ready and willing to get married, settle down and have children? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts