Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Take your g/f out of the equation, when responding to this question. Are you ready and willing to get married, settle down and have children? Initial responce: no, but it's a loaded question I think... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Take your g/f out of the equation, when responding to this question. Are you ready and willing to get married, settle down and have children? That's what I'm wondering as well. Basterd, if you met a girl who you were head over heels in love with and were sure she was "the one" then would you be this hesistant? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Initial responce: no, but it's a loaded question I think... Well, no not really. You are either ready to get married or you aren't. IMO those who are "in between" usually end up in unhappy marriages. If your initial response was that you aren't ready to get married, then don't. I wouldn't want a husband who "didn't really" want to get married but went through with it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 That's what I'm wondering as well. Basterd, if you met a girl who you were head over heels in love with and were sure she was "the one" then would you be this hesistant? Hmm, probably not. But wouldn't that be a little impulsive (and thus wrong)? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Initial responce: no, but it's a loaded question I think...Based on all your responses in this thread, it would be my opinion that you're not ready to get married to anyone. Not a big deal, neither right or wrong. When in this frame of mind, DON'T get married. You're only setting your marriage up for failure, if you're not going into it with mind and heart synchronized. I'm not trying to "trap" you with your thoughts. Just shaking your mind up a bit with questions. You're the only one who knows what drives you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Based on all your responses in this thread, it would be my opinion that you're not ready to get married to anyone. Not a big deal, neither right or wrong. When in this frame of mind, DON'T get married. You're only setting your marriage up for failure, if you're not going into it with mind and heart synchronized. I'm not trying to "trap" you with your thoughts. Just shaking your mind up a bit with questions. You're the only one who knows what drives you. I understand, and thank you for the advice That's sort of what I'm looking for anyway, another perspective because I feel like the more I'm trying to figure it out the more confusing it gets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 If your initial response was that you aren't ready to get married, then don't. I wouldn't want a husband who "didn't really" want to get married but went through with it anyway. Stop making sense dammit! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 So what you guys are telling me is that I need to feel like I WANT to get married, not just do it because I feel like I HAVE to, no matter how much sense it makes logically? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Well, no not really. You are either ready to get married or you aren't. IMO those who are "in between" usually end up in unhappy marriages. If your initial response was that you aren't ready to get married, then don't. I wouldn't want a husband who "didn't really" want to get married but went through with it anyway. TOTALLY OT, but I came here today just to make sure you were still alive and well. After that gym shooting, I was worried. Glad to see you're okay! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 TOTALLY OT, but I came here today just to make sure you were still alive and well. After that gym shooting, I was worried. Glad to see you're okay! So at which one of us were you directing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 So at which one of us were you directing that? The one I quoted. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 So at which one of us were you directing that? Me I think. And yep, I'm okay. It didn't happen at my gym thank goodness. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 So what you guys are telling me is that I need to feel like I WANT to get married, not just do it because I feel like I HAVE to, no matter how much sense it makes logically? Yes of course you have to want to! Never get married because you "have to." That's not fair to you or your fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Yes of course you have to want to! Never get married because you "have to." That's not fair to you or your fiance. Ok, let me ask you this then... As adults we often have to do things because we have to and becasue it's "the right thing to do", even though we may not necessarily want to do them. Why should this be any different? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Ok, let me ask you this then... As adults we often have to do things because we have to and becasue it's "the right thing to do", even though we may not necessarily want to do them. Why should this be any different? Because this involves other people's feelings/lives as well as your own. Frankly, I think if less people "did the right thing" regarding marriage the divorce rate would be so much lower. It's different because you don't HAVE to get married, it's not a requirement for life. There are lots of people who just date throughout their life and never marry. It's not a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Ok, let me ask you this then... As adults we often have to do things because we have to and becasue it's "the right thing to do", even though we may not necessarily want to do them. Why should this be any different? Getting married isn't "the right thing to do" unless you live in the Middle Ages, and your family needs an alliance with another family in order to vie for the crown of England. I agree with what other people have been saying. You should be head over heels crazy about marrying her. Listen to your gut. I've been with a couple of girlfriends in which our relationship was great, we had no problems. We also didn't have that extra "spark". I didn't date her for 7 years though, I figured that out just before year 1 that I really didn't have it in me to ever marry this girl. So I told her so, and we went our separate ways. Give your girl her freedom, and go find someone else that you're nuts over. It sounds to me like either you're just not the marrying type, you're not ready to get married, or this girl just isn't the one. Whichever is true, you should move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Getting married isn't "the right thing to do" unless you live in the Middle Ages, and your family needs an alliance with another family in order to vie for the crown of England. I agree with what other people have been saying. You should be head over heels crazy about marrying her. Listen to your gut. I've been with a couple of girlfriends in which our relationship was great, we had no problems. We also didn't have that extra "spark". I didn't date her for 7 years though, I figured that out just before year 1 that I really didn't have it in me to ever marry this girl. So I told her so, and we went our separate ways. Give your girl her freedom, and go find someone else that you're nuts over. It sounds to me like either you're just not the marrying type, you're not ready to get married, or this girl just isn't the one. Whichever is true, you should move on. Excellent post, I agree with everything said. You have to be head over heels in love and be ready to get married for it to work. It doesn't sound like you have either right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 7, 2009 Author Share Posted August 7, 2009 Thanks again guys (and girls). Honesty, feedback, and other perspectives are much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
abd Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 So to people who think you should be "head over heels" when entering marriage, don't you also think that that "head over heels" feeling fades over time? I mean, do you really expect most people to feel "head over heels" 7 years into a marriage? If not, then why is it surprising that the OP wouldn't feel that way now, having been in a relationship for 7 years? He probably felt that way at some point, and I'm not convinced that simply chasing after that feeling long enough to get married is the best course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 So to people who think you should be "head over heels" when entering marriage, don't you also think that that "head over heels" feeling fades over time? I mean, do you really expect most people to feel "head over heels" 7 years into a marriage? If not, then why is it surprising that the OP wouldn't feel that way now, having been in a relationship for 7 years? He probably felt that way at some point, and I'm not convinced that simply chasing after that feeling long enough to get married is the best course of action. I disagree. I know that my parents are still "head over heels" in love after 27 years of marriage and are thrilled to be married to each other. I actually know many couples that are thrilled to be married after more than 7 years. The OP is having serious doubts and questioning if this is a woman he can vow to spend the rest of his life with. This is a lot more than the "honey mood" phase ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 7, 2009 Author Share Posted August 7, 2009 What can I say... Every time I feel like ending it I just remember all the good times we've had together and the fact that if I walk away right now I may never get that again (def. not in the present relationship as that will be over). Then every time conversation goes towards moving back together or something marriage related - I get all tense and weird. I don't know, I think something's seriously wrong with me and I'm ruining a life of a great woman, but then if we get married I'm not really sure how happy I'll be downstream. Link to post Share on other sites
Jo78 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Looks like the question is less about whether she is the right one for you. It seems more like you do care for her, but you have some serious commitment issues going on. Maybe you should look into this? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 I disagree. I know that my parents are still "head over heels" in love after 27 years of marriage and are thrilled to be married to each other. I actually know many couples that are thrilled to be married after more than 7 years. The OP is having serious doubts and questioning if this is a woman he can vow to spend the rest of his life with. This is a lot more than the "honey mood" phase ending. Yea, I agree with that. It's hard to imagine that love can really last given all the horror posts on this site and the divorce rate but people can DEFINATELY be head over heels forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 What can I say... Every time I feel like ending it I just remember all the good times we've had together and the fact that if I walk away right now I may never get that again (def. not in the present relationship as that will be over). Then every time conversation goes towards moving back together or something marriage related - I get all tense and weird. I don't know, I think something's seriously wrong with me and I'm ruining a life of a great woman, but then if we get married I'm not really sure how happy I'll be downstream. There isn't anything wrong with you. You are having doubts about your relationship, I actually give you credit for thinking about this now and considering whether or not you will marry her before you actually do. As for the "remembering good times" I had those thoughts with my ex boyfriend. I would consider ending it because I knew he wasn't the one I wanted to marry but then I would think about how much fun we had and everything we had done together and I would chicken out. What finally broke me down was when I caught him in another lie. It hurt like hell for awhile because I still loved him but I just kept in mind how miserable I would be if I married him and it cancelled those thoughts out. It takes practice but you will get over her just like I did. And I found someone so much better!!! You sound like you just aren't ready to get married though so maybe you should hold off on the serious relationships for awhile until you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Thank you Lauriebell. I better get practicing because I feel like things are spinning out of control really quick with all the wedding plans. Damn how I wish there was another way! I'm not planning any serious relationships for a while, that's for sure... There isn't anything wrong with you. You are having doubts about your relationship, I actually give you credit for thinking about this now and considering whether or not you will marry her before you actually do. As for the "remembering good times" I had those thoughts with my ex boyfriend. I would consider ending it because I knew he wasn't the one I wanted to marry but then I would think about how much fun we had and everything we had done together and I would chicken out. What finally broke me down was when I caught him in another lie. It hurt like hell for awhile because I still loved him but I just kept in mind how miserable I would be if I married him and it cancelled those thoughts out. It takes practice but you will get over her just like I did. And I found someone so much better!!! You sound like you just aren't ready to get married though so maybe you should hold off on the serious relationships for awhile until you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
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