stace79 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Basterd needs to exercise his free will and make a choice one way or the other otherwise she will exercise her free will and move on and then he may regret the consequences of his inaction. After 7 years, it's not unreasonable for the g/f to ask him to choose if he wants to get married or end the relationship. She is trying to bring clarity to the situation, while he seems to be afraid to make a decision. He tries to ride the fence by making a quasi-proposal but then is shell shocked when she starts to make wedding plans. I don't understand what he was expecting to occur. Continuing to go on the way they have been doing is unfair to her and him. I agree that after 7 years, the g/f now needs to ask herself what she sees in him and why she is hanging around any longer after having accepted his indecisivness for so long. If her concern is the idea of being married as you state she would have moved on to someone else long time ago, but for whatever reason, she believes in him for a partner. But, shifting the focus onto the g/f doesn't help Basterd resolve his own fears. He needs to focus on his own fears and determine what is holding him back from committing or moving on. The problem of what you said is this -- if a woman has to force her bf to make a decision (get married or break up), the decision has already been made. If you gently bring up the topic of getting married a few times, and your bf refutes the idea, that's your answer. Sitting around and waiting or forcing him with ultimatums is not going to work. Then he's just doing it because you're making him; not because he really wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Basterd Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I found an interesting article: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/20328/should_you_be_getting_married.html?cat=23 . Comments are even more so, especially the ones that talk about inability to show exactly what was bothering those folks: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/20328/should_you_be_getting_married.html?#comments Boy did that ring a bell... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 The problem of what you said is this -- if a woman has to force her bf to make a decision (get married or break up), the decision has already been made. If the decision has been made then so be it. Either they will have clarity to the situation. If you gently bring up the topic of getting married a few times, and your bf refutes the idea, that's your answer. Sitting around and waiting or forcing him with ultimatums is not going to work. Then he's just doing it because you're making him; not because he really wants to. I agree this is the preferred approach that she should bring up the topic a few times and if he refutes the idea then she has clarity and she should then move on. But the OP also needs to realize that he will have to live with the consequences of sitting on the fence. She will make the decision to move on if he doesn't resolve his issues soon and then it will not matter what he thinks or feels. The OP needs to understand that he cannot keep sitting on the fence. Either he moves forward or he calls it off so his g/f can find someone else. He should seek IC and pre-MC to help him identify his conflicts and decide one way or other what he wants to do. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Comments are even more so, especially the ones that talk about inability to show exactly what was bothering those folks Basterd: have you spoken with a counsellor to help you identify exactly what is bothering you? Emotional circumstances that arise in our present (such as getting married) will trigger emotions from past unresolved emotional issues usually from previous relationships or from experiences as a child. Because the emotions relate to something in our past, we know something is bothering us but we have trouble pinpointing exactly what is bothering us because it is nothing specific we can readily identify in the present other than a feeling of general unease of the triggering experience occuring in our present. Do you think that is what you are experiencing? Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 This thread has been running a month - is she still planning your wedding...? Some questions: how are you with committing to other things in life...? How long do you stay in the same job...? How far in advance do you book holidays...? Are you comfortable making plans with friends far in advance /running a diary, or do you like to keep things a bit more 'free'...? Have a look at these 2 posts and see if they seem at all relevant... http://ezinearticles.com/?Commitment-Phobia-and-Fear-Treatment-and-Cure&id=562208 http://www.phobia-list.net/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia.html If this is what your issue is, then your only solution is to admit it and start dealing with it, as a phobia... It would explain why you cannot commit to this woman even though nothing is 'wrong', and why you couldn't even commit to the breakup...! Should it be the case, I don't know if this woman would be willing to postpone the wedding and wait for you to get counselling - you'd be very lucky if so... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts