toots307 Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Hello, I stumbled onto this forum today and I hope I'll get some responses. I recently reconciled with my ex-bf and things are going great!! He's really making an effort for me and I for him. Problem is, I found out that he fooled around with a girl while we were apart - kissing and groping after a night of drinking with the boys. He went to her place and spent the night. Afterwards, they chatted on the phone and she dropped by his boat briefly one day when he was working in it because she was in the area. She's out of the picture now and he originally wanted to be her friend but quickly found out she was a liar and manipulater so he didn't even want a friendship with her. He's answered every question I had about her (over and over again) and finally he got to the point where he said the whole thing was nothing and I'm letting it hurt me too much. He told me (very nicely) that maybe I should move on to someone that hasn't caused me that pain. I'm just having trouble letting go of the idea that he forgot about me and put his lips on someone else. Anyone know how to just let the incident go? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 You can't let go, but you can try to move on and not think about it, focus on other things. You guys weren't together, so he wasn't in the wrong at all, plus on top of that, he was drunk, so you know how that goes I'm sure. Bottom line? He's with you now. That's what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 Well, That's pretty much what I've been doing and telling myself. I guess I still can't get used to the way guys think - I keep thinking that he must have had feelings for the girl bla bla - am I just being a woman and blowing things out of proportion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 Just a quick addition: Does anyone think his drunken mistake should make me wonder if I can trust him in the relationship? I never had a problem trusting him before - he is honest with me to the point that I almost don't want him to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 If you weren't dating at the time he has this situation with someone else....I don't see what the big deal is. He didn't CHEAT on you. Maybe he was missing you and some other female body got in his way. Plus, he was drinking. I'm with Kevin.....I'd let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Toots, I know its tough, but I've been in your position several times before. First of all, if the incident happened during an official "break" (meaning you both agreed to go your separate ways) then this can not be considered an indiscretion or breech of trust. Second, he was honest enough to tell you what happened. As long as he was 'truthful' about all the ugly details, one can hardly hold it against him (even if you can't erase the picture from your mind!) Third, he must make an absolute effort to cease all contact and communication with this girl so that you have no further cause for concern. If he is willing to do this for you, than he deserves at least the 'benefit of the doubt' even if you can't promise him unconditional trust right away. That's something that will have to be earned. However, if you discover he has not kept his promise to put absolute closure on that relationship, or you catch him telling lies or half-truths in the future, it might indicate there are more serious problems. You can make your decision to stay or leave then. Sometimes it's difficult for us females to differentiate between our intuition and plain ol' paranoia. But time and a little patience should provide you with all the answers you need... Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 thanks everyone. I am trying to let it go and he says the same thing - we were not together at the time. He ended things with me and I didn't want things to end. He and I still had sex while we were 'broken up' and now we are back together. I guess for me it was never really over and I thought he felt the same. Maybe I'm having trouble letting it go because the girl has a diff. version of what happened than what my bf has. She claims they had sex and even went into detail about it with me and said things that really didn't sound like my bf. I asked her to tell me one thing - was he circumcised - she couldn't answer and that's the last I've heard of her. Her 'friends' even tell me she lies all the time so I don't believe her but I have just that little ounce of doubt. I figure I'll be fine in time. My relationship has actually never been better so I need to get over it before I blow it. Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I had exactly the same thing happen to me. And he too said as we were not together at the time it did not constitute being unfaithful. But I found it very hard to get out of my mind. Now, 4 months later I realise it was not important. However I still find it hard not to bring it up. It hurts. Girls do feel much much more hurt by that. We can go without sex if our beloved is not there. Just accept it that all but the most exceptional men cannot. (Sorry men!) Please try to forget about it, however much it hurts you. Make the most of your relationship now, I wish I had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 I am trying to forget about it. He didn't even have sex with the girl and their clothes stayed on. The whole thing really isn't a big deal. I've talked it over with him a lot and I agreed not to bring it up anymore. I wish he would have told me about if himself - he planned to and he kept telling me we had things to talk about but every time we started talking I ended up getting upset and so he just put off the conversation. So then I found out about the girl accidentally and then I felt lied to. Anyway, I'm enjoying what we have now. I think maybe he needed to go through a little phase of partying and now he's more committed to us. Link to post Share on other sites
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