Kit34 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 My husband and I have recently entered MC to deal with a host of issues involving trust and deception. Long story short -- we've been together for 7 years, married for 3. He's in his 40s and I'm in my late 30s. No kids. We're seeing a therapist due to his deception about an exgirlfriend. That's not why I'm posting though as we're working through that. Last night in therapy it came up about a huge lie and betrayal I had at the beginning of our relationship. About a year into us dating, I let him borrow my laptop since his computer died. When I got it back, I found out he'd been visiting sites about herpes. Turned out he'd had herpes for 15+ years but didn't tell me. The most hurtful part is that he had unprotected sex with me (I was on the pill) and put me at risk. We got over that, or so I thought, as I was willing to forgive him as I thought he was just too scared to tell me. In MC last night, he states that he never had unprotected sex with me before I knew he had herpes. I know for a fact that he did, which is one reason I was so incredibly upset that he did it. For the record, I haven't shown any signs of having contracted it yet. I'm blown away by this selective memory of his and it just brings back all the hurt and denial. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I had forgiven him for this years ago and truly gotten past it. However, this denial last night just makes me want to scream and leave him for good. Is he trying to make himself look better in front of the therapist? How am I supposed to get past this if he can't be honest with himself with what happened. I really don't know what to do. The lies, secrets, denial, and betrayal is breaking me down. I don't know if I can continue with this man. Help! What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 That would have been a deal breaker for me before the marriage. If you want to walk now, why not? No kids, no big deal. Dissolving marriages is all the rage, why not join the crowd? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kit34 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 Believe me, I considered walking before the marriage, but he was able to convince me to stay and that he hadn't told me because he was afraid I would leave him. I'm not leaving the marriage without trying to fix things first (hence the MC). But I'm not sure how to handle this latest denial of our past. I'm beginning to think he's crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Since it was 7 years ago (or more, I'm a little confused on your timeline), he may just remember the sequence differently. And I get that you're angry, although I'd wager that it's really not about his faulty powers of recollection. Look at it this way - sounds like your MC is working. You can't deal with the feelings you have, right or wrong, unless you get them out in the open. Have you discussed how upset this makes you in a counseling session? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kit34 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 We haven't discussed this in therapy yet, but I'm sure we will next week. What bothers me the most is that something that was so significant to me (having unprotected sex with me when he hadn't told me he had herpes), is so insignificant to him that he doesn't even remember doing it. I don't care if it's 20 years from now, if I did something like that to someone I supposedly loved, I'd surely remember it. My hurt over this is that he seems to have such a lousy conscience that he doesn't even remember doing it. Seems a little sadistic to me. Am I over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 To his lack of recollection, yes. To the act itself and its meaning to you, no. Again, I'd suggest that this is anger you've internalized for the last 7 years and now his lack of recall is the hook you've decided to hang it on. He needs to know how much his failure to be honest with you hurt you then - and still hurts now. I hope he listens, sounds like there's much at stake... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kit34 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thanks Mr. Lucky. I'll try to address this in counseling. I think you are dead on. We'll see how it goes. To his lack of recollection, yes. To the act itself and its meaning to you, no. Again, I'd suggest that this is anger you've internalized for the last 7 years and now his lack of recall is the hook you've decided to hang it on. He needs to know how much his failure to be honest with you hurt you then - and still hurts now. I hope he listens, sounds like there's much at stake... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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