I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

I just need to get this all out.

 

I have never felt this kind of pain before. I think about her every second of the day. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 4), broke up about 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. There is nothing bad that I can say about her...we just conflicted, that's all. And that makes this so hard. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories...there are so many, even leading up to the breakup. I can't imagine a life without her. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I wasn't supportive enough, and let my temper get the best of me sometimes, so I'm dealing with guilt as well.

 

She is coping better than I am, and that is really hard. We still have contact, because we are finalizing moving and stuff. She dumped me. She said she would still return my phone calls. I sent her an email yesterday when our fish died, and she hasn't responded. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious; if we were together she would have responded. So obviously she does not feel the need to speak to me like I do with her. I used to be a priority and I'm not anymore. I am back to not eating anymore.

 

I thought I would keep our old apartment, it is so ideal in so many ways. But now I can't stand the thought of going back there (I'm staying with a friend right now, who leaves in 20 days). It makes me sick to be in the place, and I dread being there. I have to go back daily to feed the cat, and the thought of going there makes me sick. So I think I have to move.

 

I also was resolved to at least try going back to law school (I have one year under my belt), but I don't think I will be able to cope. Which makes me NOT want to lock into a 12 month lease at a new place, because part of me thinks that I will end up having to move home with my parents...the pain is so unbearable. I HATED school before the breakup, but she was my support, and I was just going to put my head down for two years and get the damn degree. Now I have lost my only source of support. She was there for me for everything.

 

So now I am not only devastated, but my whole life is up in the air. I hate that she has this power over me. I can't cope. She was my whole life. I feel that I should be starting a career soon, and I would hate to have this setback. But I didn't like the career path that I was on anyway...but the degree would be good to have.

 

I am so messed up. I just can't deal with this. I have so many decisions to make and I just can't make any. I want another chance with her, but I don't think there is any going back.

 

Just needed to get some of this off my chest.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I know how you feel, the early stages of losing someone you loved and cared for so deeply are dreadful. Right now everything is confusing and you don't know which way to turn, like with school. I know, my ex left me and it resulted in me having no where to go accept back to my parents with no job at the age of 33! Not good. Right now you just need to concentrate on getting through one hour at a time, try and eat as hard as that is, don't think too far ahead. Take your time, when you feel ready go by your apartment for an hour, then build up, after all the cat will be missing you!

 

It's a coincidence you were at law school, I just got accepted on a graduate law degree and am trying to decide whether this is the right way forward for me or not. Can I ask how old you are?

[frustrated&sad]

soheartbroken,

 

My heart goes out to you so much right now! I know what you are feeling. Truly. No words will make the pain any better. But do know this. After some time and the initial shock wears off, you will start to feel a little more like yourself every day. One day you WILL be able to laugh again. I highly recommend looking at the threads I've posted and looking at the advice that I received from so many people on this website. 6 weeks ago I didn't think I could survive. I really didn't. 6 weeks later I feel better each day. Not perfect, but I am healing.

 

Don't forget to nurture yourself. Take it one minute at a time. Really. Remind yourself that you are a good person. You can do it! And we are all here for you. Don't forget that. You can always reach out. I feel for you my friend. I really do.

 

And personally--I would move out of your place. I did that after my ex left me, and while at first it was REALLY weird, eventually the space became mine. Fewer memories, smells, spaces that remind you of her/him.

[frustrated&sad]

I just read this on another thread and thought it would help you. It's actually REALLY good.

 

 

So I've been looking back at the old posts on this forum and I ran across this 3 times (but from years back) anyhow, I figured I would repost this so others can see it too! I wish I knew the original source of it...I hate not giving credit where credit is due, so for the record this isn't my gem of wisdom here...it just helps me figure things out....

 

 

What to expect when you get dumped!

 

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. On the internet, I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest."

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for the replies. LisaUK, I'm 26.

 

So, I think I might just take a semester/a year off of law school, and go home to live with family. I can't even move off the couch right now. She ignored my messages last night - I can't describe how much that hurts me. She is already moving on.

[tojaz]

They all speak the truth! It is a long hard road filled with hills and valleys, but it will lead you somewhere, it does end. Read others threads, see what is coming and what you can do. Check out "Apart and Shaken" especially.

 

Post some details when your ready, theres a lot of knowledge here to talk you through it!

TOJAZ

[obscure]

Reading what you had written about not being able to go back into your apartment, and how it kills you when she doesn't return your messages is exactly how I felt when my wife left. I was really upset, at first, that we were asked to leave the home, but looking back, I see it was the best thing. I couldn't stand even looking at the walls. Every single thing reminded me of her and even the simplest of things became too difficult to bother with anymore. I was always the cook in the house, but now I couldn't get my brain together long enough to cook very often for the kids. I was just picking up fast food or preparing whatever was quick. I would only wash enough clothes to get us by for a day or two. I realized that the memories held within the walls of the house were crushing me.

 

But I will say this, I don't know what situation might be the best for you, but it may be best to get another place or stay with your folks for a while if at all possible. I didn't think I could do it, but it has actually helped me considerably by just removing myself from all the memories -- good and bad.

 

I am very sorry about your situation. I hate that any of us are hurting so bad that we have to be here.

[soheartbroken]

Thank you everyone. Frustrated&Sad, I have read that post somewhere before, and it brought me comfort before. Unfortunately, I'm feeling worse instead of better day by day. I think it's because every day that passes is a day that she is moving on from me. I can hear it in her tone of voice. It kills me inside.

 

She said this evening that she is doing "okay". She has moments that are fine, and moments where she feels unsettled, but I don't think she means emotionally unsettled. She means moving-into-a-new-place unsettled. I just can't take it.

 

I think I should go No Contact soon. I don't think there is any chance in being together again (not any time soon anyway). And I think it's fast approaching the point where it hurts more to talk than it does not to (although I haven't gone NC yet so I can't say for sure). She is drifting away so fast, starting to sound irritable when we talk. Five years and they get over you that quickly.

 

It feels like I won't make it through another day. I have to give notice at the apartment, but I can't bring myself to call the landlord. Part of me is still hanging on to the place. Please someone give me the strength.

 

Once I give notice I will either move in with a friend here, and give school a try, or move back with family. I'm afraid that if I move back home though, that it will be like running away...that I'm just pushing away memories and stuff instead of dealing with them (although I know I will be miserable even if I move). Can someone tell me that this isn't such a bad thing?

 

I'll have to make this major move decision by the end of August, which is fast approaching. Something tells me that in 20 days I won't be feeling well enough to start school. I hated school anyway, so maybe some time off will let me refocus?

 

I'm so scared that I will never get over her...that I will think about her until the day I die, that no one will be as good. That I will be one of those people who never can let go. Did you have these fears???

 

Thanks again

[soheartbroken]

By the way, "moving home with family" is in a totally different city. So it's quite a drastic move. But I think this might end up happening because I'm a wreck.

 

LisaUK, did you have to change cities when you broke with your ex? Congrats on the acceptance by the way. Has anyone else moved cities and found it beneficial?

 

Problem is I will have nothing to do in my time off school, so I will eventually have to find a small job or volunteer or something. Does this sound reasonable?

[soheartbroken]

I am trying to read "Apart and Shaken"...it's quite long.

 

What is this 180 that people keep mentioning? Will it help here? I don't want to try to win her back; I don't want false hope. How do I find 180?

[lupa]

I am trying to read "Apart and Shaken"...it's quite long.

 

What is this 180 that people keep mentioning? Will it help here? I don't want to try to win her back; I don't want false hope. How do I find 180?

Being intimately associated with the "Apart and Shaken" thread, I can give you this advice, summed up in one phrase:

 

"Hold on tight, man, because this rollercoaster is a wild one."

 

 

 

...I'm still going up, down, and around. It has been three months, working on four.

 

 

 

 

The 180, simply put, is "everything you've done up to this point has not worked, SO STOP FREAKING DOING IT."

 

Google Michele Weiner-Davis and the 180...you'll find a list (I swear the link it takes you to is a post by Gunny...has the punctuation and everything) of things that you ARE TO STOP DOING IMMEDIATELY, and you are to start doing immediately.

 

I also like Homer McDonald's webpage, not so much for "getting her back" but for the separation of WANTS and NEEDS.

 

I let my wants cloud the whole thing for too long, and I struggle with it daily...twice today, as a matter of fact, and probably more than that, if I were to be honest about it.

[frustrated&sad]

Oh, soheartbroken! I can't even begin to explain how much I have felt what you are going through. I will tell you a little bit about my experience that might help.

 

4+ years ago I broke up with my bf of 5.5 years. I felt we were just going in different directions and I didn't feel the love. I left, leaving him destroyed. I broke his heart, and, yes, I felt bad about it, but every time he called me, emailed me, visited me, it made me more irritable and angry. I don't know why. Maybe it was the desperation. Maybe it was because I had no idea what I wanted. He even proposed 4 months later! Finally, I enforced no contact for us. For him, in particular.

 

Fast forward to the present moment. Now, I've had a bit of karma. I met a man 3 years ago who I fell head-over-heels in love with. We got engaged. He turned out to be a sociopath. A VERY different person than I thought, and he shattered my heart into a million little pieces and then ran them over. At first, all I wanted was to contact him every day. Hear his voice. Get an email, a text. ANYTHING. I was addicted to him. And, yet, every time I spoke with him I felt worse afterwards. Nothing I did made me feel better. So I went to a therapist ASAP. He asked me to go no contact. I didn't think I was strong enough to do it. But I had to try because I felt like my life was over and that I was going to throw myself off the nearest cliff to curb the pain. I've not contacted him since then. At first, I still wanted him to contact me, even if I wasn't going to respond. Now, many weeks later, I've started to get to the angry phase. Or the phase where I realize that my life is not over. It goes on. And, yes, it is hard. Today, for example, just sucked. But tomorrow will be better. I just know it! SO, GO NO CONTACT! I promise that in the end it will be better. And I can also say that now that I've been the heartbreaker and the brokenhearted, I am a much more empathetic, well-rounded, mature person. I walk around with a whole new perspective on life.

 

As for your move: that's more difficult. School would keep you busy, and living with a friend might be really fun and a great diversion. That said, if you feel you need time to heal in a different city, that can also be very therapeutic. If it were me, I'd try school and the new place. If you'd asked me 6 weeks ago, I would have gone back with my family in a heart beat. Give yourself a little more time.

 

My heart is with you!

[BentButNotBroken]

No words will make this trial you are on any easier. It's absolutely surreal reading your post, almost a carbon copy of my views, feelings, events, and pain. My opinion is you should get out of that apartment and get your mind focused on other things (the gym, school, friends, etc). I moved out and it was silent strength. Having my own place to escape to and have no lingering memories all around me. I cannot explain why the other seems to adjust so much faster then the scorned...maybe thats the reason in itself...you were scorned, they were not. With me, i took as LITTLE things associated with our relationship as possible when i moved. So I figure that she can move on with another for the same reason i can live without the good memories...because it brings pain. Trust me, the person that scorned you is damaged goods just like you are. If there was a site like this for people who break hearts instead of the broken people (there probably is a site or sites)...the first advice the forums would probably give them is DONT DATE. So if the other is dating, like mine did, there is a HUGE chance it will make them worse off by the time you are better off from this. Unfortunetly, you cannot control what another person does so you are the #1 priority now. Whatever happens with you two in the future...happens. Whether you like it or not right now...the world is in your hands again. The ONLY shread of hope you have for you two is to make yourself scarce and treat her like you dropped her (let her contact you, dont call back unless there is a message, take hours/days to return messages or emails, act like you are letting all this roll off you *while you are actually devestated*) Only through that reverse psychology...can she get the quickest view of life without you and the sooner you do it...the better. If you remain in contact you are cushioning their fall. Then you go no contact after all that "cushion" and they are more ready to handle life without you. So that is why its your only play here. Nevertheless, i truly believe they will regret it...its they're character that decides if they do something about making it up to you. If they dont come running back...thats probably not the person, with that wacky of a character, that you want to support for life. You will see...trust me. Keep writing even if noone responds...it will get you through the hard parts of this. I am 3months since the bombshell and I am already much clearer in the positives of being single again. Starting to remember why I might of had faults with my spouse...because she was kind of "naggy".

[delajoonal]

um, i'm right along there with soheartbroken...i am NOT getting better, in fact, i am getting worse:(

 

its been nearly 6 months...i was doing better 3 months ago, than i am this week.

 

wth is that all about????

 

i guess IT is that darn grieving roller coaster....

 

one day/week/month, we are FINE, happy, etc...

then WHAMO!!!

back down with countless tears, in PJ's for days on end:(...ACK!

 

p.s. sorry that wasn't very positve..but i AM keeping IT real....that's fair too.

[delajoonal]

soheatbroken...

 

watch posts and threads by tojaz, lupa, they have gone thru and ARE going thru the same stuff...they are amazing members and assets to us all here on LS...

 

keep a close eye on their posts..

 

and...there is a vet, he can be a bit contrversial...BUT he has been thru IT ALL!

Gunny...watch for his posts...and if he replies to your posts...read them carefully...

he has MUCH to say..and MUCH experience....

 

good luck..keep reading....keep posting....we can all get thru this together...

[BentButNotBroken]

um, i'm right along there with soheartbroken...i am NOT getting better, in fact, i am getting worse:(

 

its been nearly 6 months...i was doing better 3 months ago, than i am this week.

 

wth is that all about????

 

i guess IT is that darn grieving roller coaster....

 

one day/week/month, we are FINE, happy, etc...

then WHAMO!!!

back down with countless tears, in PJ's for days on end:(...ACK!

 

 

p.s. sorry that wasn't very positve..but i AM keeping IT real....that's fair too.

 

 

But the time in between your "crashes" is expanding...am i right? Man i am still all cut up inside but i'll take how i feel today over that 1st week. My goodness.

[delajoonal]

bent...

 

you know..you are right...the time in between the 'crashes' are getting longer and better...hmmm...thanks for pointing THAT out...

i guess you know when we get in the state i am in these past few days..

i have forgotten THE progress i have made:)

 

i think because H and i , (H left me), were doing so well with NC, then we had some issues to resolve and were getting along great, i was working the 180 and ya, IT works...but then we had some HUGE legal issues...and BAM!

i am down for the count...again:(

 

so if NOT for all that crud..i am sure i would still be in the GOOD ZONE still...

 

thanks for that:)...really!

[soheartbroken]

Thanks everyone. I will keep posting, even if some posts aren't responded to. I will think about moving cities for a couple more weeks. But I AM giving up the apartment.

 

I need to go NC for me though, and not to get her back.

 

I have to be honest though. I know of one couple who was together for 15 years. When they split, they still kept contact, at most going 4-5 days without speaking. They are both now in new, long-term relationships, but they are very close friends.

 

So this is f**king with my head. I know what happened to them was incredibly rare, but I have this thought in the back of my head. I think their break-up was a little more mutual though.

 

This might kill me from going NC.

[BentButNotBroken]

bent...

 

you know..you are right...the time in between the 'crashes' are getting longer and better...hmmm...thanks for pointing THAT out...

i guess you know when we get in the state i am in these past few days..

i have forgotten THE progress i have made:)

 

i think because H and i , (H left me), were doing so well with NC, then we had some issues to resolve and were getting along great, i was working the 180 and ya, IT works...but then we had some HUGE legal issues...and BAM!

i am down for the count...again:(

 

so if NOT for all that crud..i am sure i would still be in the GOOD ZONE still...

 

thanks for that:)...really!

 

Progress is easy to cloud, no problem. i tell ya, NC and 180 will get reactions out of the other...no doubt in my mind. I just wish more people would take a look at the data in front of them and proceed from there. I see so many friends revert back to chasing or taking them back (if the other breaks that much...which is rare) without taking their time. In a sense, they are making the same mistake the leaving person did...jumping into decisions too quickly. For most people...i do mean MOST...the breakup will end up being a defining moment in their lives. Why waste it on a quick decision?

[BentButNotBroken]

Thanks everyone. I will keep posting, even if some posts aren't responded to. I will think about moving cities for a couple more weeks. But I AM giving up the apartment.

 

I need to go NC for me though, and not to get her back.

 

I have to be honest though. I know of one couple who was together for 15 years. When they split, they still kept contact, at most going 4-5 days without speaking. They are both now in new, long-term relationships, but they are very close friends.

 

So this is f**king with my head. I know what happened to them was incredibly rare, but I have this thought in the back of my head. I think their break-up was a little more mutual though.

 

This might kill me from going NC.

 

It's hard...the worst at first and easier as time goes by. It almost like you are breaking up all over again. It is your only play and you are so bright, even in such an early stage still, too see the positives NC will have for you. Good for you, really!

 

I have seen people cheat, get back together, and stay happily. I have seen divorces go ugly, papers signed by judge, and the couples come back to each other (years later) and become stronger then ever. There is always hope but you cannot control what another does. Control the controlable's (I butchered that word i think...my spell check is even confused). Sounds cliche but it rings true in these situations...if the other is capable of such numbness and being empty...for your sake that is probably for the better. i know you care for them and you are here if needed. But you have some monkeys to get off your back and boy...you are going to make someone very very satisified or maybe just yourself for awhile. You deserve it after dealing with this crap right?

[soheartbroken]

If you've been having contact in the first 3 weeks, and then go NC, will it still get a reaction? What if the other person is doing well, and seems to be moving on (emotionally)?

 

I suppose I shouldn't care about her reaction...but I do. I want her to know what she left behind. Someone who stuck with her through thick and thin, and was willing to work on things until the very end.

 

Days seem to be the worst for me. So I'll be checking back in tomorrow when the pain becomes unbearable.

[BentButNotBroken]

If you've been having contact in the first 3 weeks, and then go NC, will it still get a reaction? What if the other person is doing well, and seems to be moving on (emotionally)?

 

I suppose I shouldn't care about her reaction...but I do. I want her to know what she left behind. Someone who stuck with her through thick and thin, and was willing to work on things until the very end.

 

Days seem to be the worst for me. So I'll be checking back in tomorrow when the pain becomes unbearable.

 

Let me put it this way...i gave my girl 2months of non stop chasing, went no contact and got blasted with emails about a week later. No promises but i would be absolutely SHOCKED if the other did not react in some way after merely 3 weeks. Like i said, the sooner the better. But do not forget, her reaction is not the priority...its to clear out the clouds. It's like lifting weights, hard work and you are sore as hell when you start it. But feel oh so good when the rewards come (whether it be the other chasing you or you seeing the benefits of this new freedom).

[soheartbroken]

Thanks BentNot.

 

SunRay, I go to a law school in Canada. My grades were very good...3 course prizes if that means anything to you. So no, I don't want to go back to school and do poorly. I feel like I need to be in tip-top shape to tackle it properly. I can't slack, and when the pain is so great I figure I can't keep getting these grades. I can't handle the pressure of school on top of this sh*t.

 

But the grades should allow me to transfer down the road should I need to. Or to get back in years from now if it comes to that. Why do you ask?

[BentButNotBroken]

If you've been having contact in the first 3 weeks, and then go NC, will it still get a reaction? What if the other person is doing well, and seems to be moving on (emotionally)?

 

I suppose I shouldn't care about her reaction...but I do. I want her to know what she left behind. Someone who stuck with her through thick and thin, and was willing to work on things until the very end.

 

Days seem to be the worst for me. So I'll be checking back in tomorrow when the pain becomes unbearable.

 

The other is NOT over you my friend. You cannot replace a bond that old emotionally in that short of time or even delete it. More then likely they are just suppressing the feelings to deal with later (oh and they will deal with them at some point) or trying to run from them by seemingly replacing good for the bad. They can run but they cannot hide. Either way, you need to take this time and get your head straight. You do not want to make the same mistake twice or jump into a relationship for a rebound. Use this freedom, the data from this relationship, and grow. If they come back to you, it will be on your terms.

[soheartbroken]

Thinking of another relationship makes me sick, so that won't be a problem. Plus, I don't think I'd find anyone, even if I looked. I seriously am worried that she was the only one for me, that I'll never recover from her.

 

I know her reaction shouldn't matter, but I do care. And this is where I'm coming from:

 

I broke up with my first love after a year (I was 21 maybe?). When it ended, it ENDED. I had no feelings for her anymore. I cried once, and that was because I found out she kissed someone else (we were broken up but hadn't moved apart yet). I was over it, I never looked back. She was devastated, and it took her a long time to recover. I met someone else pretty quickly, and moved on.

 

So, it is possible, in my mind, that NC will not bother her. That she will feel a sense of relief, that she truly is over me. And I cannot bear this thought. How can someone forget about you after 5 years? There was no physical or emotional abuse, no drug or alcohol problems, no cheating. I still believe that she is a wonderful person...makes it really hard. Can't say bad things about her.

 

Everytime we speak she grows more distant. The first couple days she cried. Now she doesn't cry. At first she sounded sad, and now she sounds flat, grumpy, happy or annoyed. She told me she would always answer my calls, but she has ignored an email and an instant message. She is slow getting back to me on the phone. She used to keep the phone close in case I called. Now she will sleep through my phone calls. 3 weeks ago I was a priority and we would always be in touch. And now this. They ignore you!!! How can this be?

 

Every day this gets worse, and every day I am closer to going NC. Once we sort out the car and the cat, I think I will have to do it...for my own sanity. The worst is contacting and then waiting to hear back. Everytime you think, "this is the time they won't answer back"...and the waiting is agonizing and painful, and they have all the power.

 

I hurt so bad during the day that I think I would trade the five years in return for never feeling like this.