I'm in so much pain, and so

[edpowers]

I know that's it's really hard.. but do as other suggest you to... NC on her ... i have been doing that for awhile.. and believe me.. it's hard as hell. .but i'm getting better.. spending time with myself doing thing I missed doing while I was with her...... hold on tight man..

[soheartbroken]

Thanks ed. Do you know what effect NC has had on your ex-SO (probably not if you're truly NC!)?

 

Pathetic thing is, I can't think of things that I missed doing while I was with her. She supported me in whatever I did, did not keep me from doing a single damn thing. That's what makes this so hard. I'm going to end up blaming myself for this whole thing. She was wonderful. And I think the only thing that ruined us was my own behaviour. I really gotta stop thinking this way. What if I never get over her because it was in the end my own fault!?!?!?!

 

Someone earlier asked for more details. I will write some out later maybe.

 

Has anybody had a nice ex? I'm trying to catch up on some of everyone's own stories, and I'm seeing a lot of cheating and emotional affairs. That really sucks. But at least it allows you to hate or dislike your other, and you can blame them. I'm starting to feel like I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Sorry for the negativity, I just have a lot to get off my chest.

[Gunny376]

I just need to get this all out.

 

I have never felt this kind of pain before. I think about her every second of the day. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 4), broke up about 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. There is nothing bad that I can say about her...we just conflicted, that's all. And that makes this so hard. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories...there are so many, even leading up to the breakup. I can't imagine a life without her. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I wasn't supportive enough, and let my temper get the best of me sometimes, so I'm dealing with guilt as well.

 

She is coping better than I am, and that is really hard. We still have contact, because we are finalizing moving and stuff. She dumped me. She said she would still return my phone calls. I sent her an email yesterday when our fish died, and she hasn't responded. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious; if we were together she would have responded. So obviously she does not feel the need to speak to me like I do with her. I used to be a priority and I'm not anymore. I am back to not eating anymore.

 

I thought I would keep our old apartment, it is so ideal in so many ways. But now I can't stand the thought of going back there (I'm staying with a friend right now, who leaves in 20 days). It makes me sick to be in the place, and I dread being there. I have to go back daily to feed the cat, and the thought of going there makes me sick. So I think I have to move.

 

I also was resolved to at least try going back to law school (I have one year under my belt), but I don't think I will be able to cope. Which makes me NOT want to lock into a 12 month lease at a new place, because part of me thinks that I will end up having to move home with my parents...the pain is so unbearable. I HATED school before the breakup, but she was my support, and I was just going to put my head down for two years and get the damn degree. Now I have lost my only source of support. She was there for me for everything.

 

So now I am not only devastated, but my whole life is up in the air. I hate that she has this power over me. I can't cope. She was my whole life. I feel that I should be starting a career soon, and I would hate to have this setback. But I didn't like the career path that I was on anyway...but the degree would be good to have.

 

I am so messed up. I just can't deal with this. I have so many decisions to make and I just can't make any. I want another chance with her, but I don't think there is any going back.

 

Just needed to get some of this off my chest.

 

and...there is a vet, he can be a bit controversial...BUT he has been thru IT ALL!

:eek: :eek:

 

First off your going to learn how to 'breath' again, and regain control of your emotional state of mind, for if your not in control of your emotions? They're in control of you.

 

For your own good, and for regaining control of your emotional state of mind? You absolutely have to go NC with this woman. (NC = No Contact)

 

Nada, nothing, zilch! No phone calls, e-mails, texting, ~ nothing!

 

Until you do regain control of your emotional state of mind ~ you're going to be seriously handicapped in making decisions about yourself, your life.

 

Now is not the time to make life alternating decisions. About careers, going back to school, anything really.

 

What your going through is probably the second most stressful life alternating event that a person can go through ~ the first being the death of a spouse.

 

In a lot of ways what your going through is like going through the death of a spouse, ~ and a dream(s), a passing of a part of your Life that you've invested a significant amount of time, effort, energy, and of yourself in. Google the Five Stages of Grief. You will go through each and everyone of them ~ an yes you will repeat them.

 

Its more like a ride on the space shuttle than it is a ride of a roller coaster. You go up, your lost in space? You go back down? Then you go back up again. It takes a long time to break the cycle?

 

Or it can stop the very second, the very minute you make your mind up with ~ "You know what? I'm done with this!"

 

And its you and you alone that will be the one that decides when your through suffering this mental and emotional anguish. Not her!

 

You are literally going through a chemical addiction withdrawal. The biOchemicals that cause us to fall "in love" and to "be in love" are very potent and powerful.

 

The receptors in the brain that they act upon are the same ones that cocaine, crack, and crystal meth act upon. Which is why sex is supposedly better when doing these drugs.

 

The brains scans of someone "in love" are identical as those as someone with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

 

By now, I'm hoping your starting to see a pattern ~ in that your going through withdrawal from this woman ~ and which is the reason that you need to go cold turkey, and have absolutely nothing to do with her and no contact with her.

 

Generally when women leave a man? They never come back. If you've any chance of getting back with her its absolutely essential that you go NC. That's your one and only chance.

 

And even if she came back? The amount of time, effort, energy and money you would spend getting this one back? Would net you ten others.

 

You've got 'one-itis' Somewhere along the line you've got it in your head that this "one" is the one and only! Pure BS!

 

Somewhere and somehow you got it into your head that you can't do any better, that there's not some little gal that has just as much to offer ~ if not more, just as good if not better?

 

And to drive my point home? I'm going to cite the leading authority on women?

 

OTHER WOMEN!

 

Women know that other women aren't about spit!

 

And are amazed that men just don't even have a clue. :eek:

 

Most men don't until they've had their hearts good and properly broken in?

 

Welcome to the club! Here! Have a beer, pull a chair up to the fire pit, make yourself comfortable!

 

And I understand what your going through! I really do! I don't think any man can really call themselves a man until they've gone through what your going through and come out the other side of it!

 

And that your task at hand! Acceptance! Acceptance of the reality that's been dealt you here!

 

And, don't tell me that you can't just go on without here? You did just fine without her before you meet here ~ and you'll do just fine without afterwards! Just as I have for the last nineteen years when I heard the slamming of the door for the first time!

 

People come and people go in your life ~ "ain't no one monkey? That makes a show!"

 

Graveyards all over the world are full of people we just can't do without!

 

But Life goes on ~ and so we must go on!

 

All this pain your feeling right now? You will see in time to come that it is nothing but weakness leaving the body!

 

I realize that Life has just thrown you into a hurt locker, and then thrown you into a "WORLD OF HURT" ~ but you will survive ~ just as I have survived.

 

This forum is full of those that have survived it.

 

One thing is for sure and certain! Your not going to get from one end of this life to the other without some cuts, bruises, broken bones, broken hearts, tears along the way!

 

For every tale of woe that I can tell you, there's someone else that can tell an even worse one.

 

Hell compared to Lakeside Dreams! I got off light!

 

Its always going to come down to ~ "Better than most ~ worse than some!" Regardless if your talking about money, health, your looks, ............whatever.

 

We're the sum of our life's experiences, and I'm just glad to still be walking around on the planet! Its all relative!

 

There's more than times I can count on both hands and feet ~ I should have been a "goner".

 

And that's where you start!

 

F**K It! I'm still alive!

 

At the end of the day?

 

There's only two things to worry about!

 

Whether your healthy or sick?

 

If your healthy? You've nothing to worry about!

 

If your sick? You've still only two things to worry about!

 

Whether your going to live or die?

 

If you live? You've nothing to worry about!

 

But if you die?

 

You've still only two things to worry about?

 

Whether your going to go to Heaven or Hell?

 

If you go to Heaven? You've nothing to worry about!

 

And if you go to Hell?

 

Hell it won't matter, because you'll be too busy saying "Hello" to all your friends it won't matter!

[Gunny376]

Or it can stop the very second, the very minute you make your mind up with ~ "You know what? I'm done with this!"

 

See lupa's thread!

 

All the pain and suffering ended the minute he decided for it to end!

[Gunny376]

Go today and get yourself some "Sports" CD's!

 

The kind of songs that you hear at ballgames!

 

Be they baseball, basketball, football!

 

And play them!

 

Get pumped up by them!

 

And then get busy getting busy!

 

Put them on the MP3 or an iPod player, and then get to gym or at least go for a mile long (or further) walk, jogs or run.

 

Get rid of all that excessive energy!

 

Get your mind off your troubles and your troubles off your mind!

[Gunny376]

and...there is a vet, he can be a bit contrversial...BUT he has been thru IT ALL! Gunny.

 

Me?

 

Conterversial?

 

No more so than Captain Jack Sparrow?

 

"Where's the rum? Why is there never any rum?"

[LisaUk]

By the way, "moving home with family" is in a totally different city. So it's quite a drastic move. But I think this might end up happening because I'm a wreck.

 

LisaUK, did you have to change cities when you broke with your ex? Congrats on the acceptance by the way. Has anyone else moved cities and found it beneficial?

 

Problem is I will have nothing to do in my time off school, so I will eventually have to find a small job or volunteer or something. Does this sound reasonable?

 

Hi, yes I had to, no where else to go, I moved 200 miles away. It's been hard, has it been beneficial? In some ways yes, I don't have to risk running into him, I don't have to see him with someone else or even know if he has someone else. On the other hand, in some ways no, I had to leave my home, my friends, my life, I often get homesick (I lived there with him 10 years).

 

I can't tell you what to do only you can decide that, but do you think it would help to throw yourself into your law degree? It may turn out to be a way to take your mind of it. See, I'm not working either and the days are long, I think about him a lot, because I have nothing else to do with my time, I think if I take this law degree I will be doing SOMETHING.

[LisaUk]

Just one more point, I had no choice in moving, you do. You have already had one major change to your life that is making feel like you are free falling, do you really think it is wise to add another 3 at least? 1-leaving your home 2-leaving your studies 3-leaving your friends.

 

The general advice in this situation is don't make any life altering decisions, your emotions are all over the place and now is not the time.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Gunny and LisaUK. I just woke up and it has hit me all again.

 

I see what you're saying Lisa, but I can't put off decisions forever. It's already been almost a month. I MUST leave the apartment. But I don't have anywhere to move to. The stress of not knowing where I will live is awful. I don't want to be alone right now (i.e. living alone). And I don't want to lock into an apartment and then have to take time off school.

 

Today feels like the best option is to move away from this all...I feel like sh*t.

[LisaUk]

I understand, didn't you say you could live with a friend? Maybe do that, start school and see how you go? Don't let her destroy your whole life, you were doing well in your studies and although you don't feel like you can deal with the pressure law demands at the moment, you might be surprised and find that actually it gives you a way to cope. Something to focus on and put your mind into, otherwise you may find you will be constantly thinking about what she is thinking/doing, what effect your NC is having/not having etc etc, goes round and round.

 

At the moment all I have are my driving lessons, but you know what for those four hours a week I don't think about him. Just driving. It takes so much concentration. I'm hoping the law degree, if I decide to do it will be the same. Law is so invloved, so demanding, so focused, you may just find you don't have time to think of her instead of the other way round?

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for the advice, but at the moment I wouldn't be able to get good grades while coping with this. I think I will end up moving. Remember that I hated school to begin with. I think I just need some support. I know most people think I should try school, and that just makes me feel worse. Like a failure. The thought of this city is now making me sick.

 

I hate that she is just carrying on with her life, doing so well.

 

There is that friend option, but now she is saying that she wouldn't take my cat (allergies).

[MrMayI]

soheartbroken, if i can make a suggestion?

i think you should move in with your friend for now. don't just bolt to your family if you're not certain that's what you want. at least with the friend, you can regain your composure before making a rash decision like completely giving up on school and being far away from where you just may want to be.

 

i have to tell you from my own experience. STOP worrying about what she's doing, or who she may be doing it with. you may be right, you may be wrong. she very well could be a wreck inside as well. i've learned from watching friends go through this, and now myself, that for some reason women have a much easier time of not showing their emotions on the outside, and playing their cards very close to their chest. you are assuming she is getting along fine. in fact, she may be, but she will NEVER let you see her fall apart at this point, and the more YOU fall apart and SHE sees that, the more weak SHE is going to see you as, and the less SHE is going to want to even speak to YOU. please really try and go NC and possibly 180 if for no one else but yourself. i'm about 3 months into my mess, and i can tell you, you will get better. the shuttle ride can't be avoided, but you can gain some control. good luck.

[soheartbroken]

I have no strong attachment to my school. I didn't make any close friends, so I'm not leaving behind friends or a place that I loved. In fact, I felt very alienated from the law school culture, and had quite a miserable year. In fact, for awhile I was worried that I was becoming clinically depressed (I don't think that was the case, it just felt that way).

[soheartbroken]

It's midday. I just gave notice at the old apartment. So now I really don't know where I will be in September. Only a few weeks to decide for sure about school.

 

The pain and panic are starting to come on strong. Just need to vent.

 

Gunny, I wish I could put on music, be strong, and decide to end my suffering. It just doesn't work that way (for me I guess).

[MrMayI]

It's midday. I just gave notice at the old apartment. So now I really don't know where I will be in September. Only a few weeks to decide for sure about school.

 

The pain and panic are starting to come on strong. Just need to vent.

 

Gunny, I wish I could put on music, be strong, and decide to end my suffering. It just doesn't work that way (for me I guess).

 

brother, it's not that easy at first. everyone understands that. i can tell you though, i've heeded lots of gunny's advice. while you may not forget forever, and no one would, you can try to ease your mind for a minute, then an hour, on and on. you will get through this. you will get better. believe me. be thankful no children are involved. that makes it all the more harder.

[LisaUk]

It's midday. I just gave notice at the old apartment. So now I really don't know where I will be in September. Only a few weeks to decide for sure about school.

 

The pain and panic are starting to come on strong. Just need to vent.

 

Gunny, I wish I could put on music, be strong, and decide to end my suffering. It just doesn't work that way (for me I guess).

 

I get this honestly, the beginings of this are terrible, the pain feels like it is unbearable, I was the same, honestly. My ex and I were together 18 years from age 15, he left me just after we (finally) set the date to get married, all was good with our relationship, no explanation, nothing. Houdini style. I understand how you are feeling right now, you can't focus, you can't think striaght, you can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't make any sense of it all and you have fears that you will never get past this, that you will think about her forever and the pain inside, the ache will never go away.

 

It gets less, I promise, I am now 5 months in, it still hurts sometimes, but not like it did those first couple of months. Right now you want to get away, be with family, think you can't cope with anything other than what has happened. Yet, in a few months you won't feel this way anymore. Don't let her dictate your life from here on out, don't give up school right now. If you really think you can't cope in 3 months, talk to your professors and take a break, but try for now. You can even take advantage of the student counselling service for free to help you through this.

 

Your cat, could your cat not go to your family for the time being, you go to your friends and then when you get your own place later, when you are stronger, you can fetch your cat?

 

Please don't make any rash decisions, like I said, if you find when you are back at school you can't cope, can't make grades, talk to your professors, it's what they are there for!

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Lisa. I'm glad someone else felt this way too (well, not glad...but you know what I mean). I have talked to someone at the law school. I can defer for four months if needed (or a year). If I feel up for it I can come back, but like I said, I detested law school. Not saying I won't finish my degree, it just might take longer than expected. I know I'm not supposed to make rash decisions, and I'm trying not to, but time is running out. School starts soon. Plus the fact that my friend has gotten all weird about the cat makes me think she is having second thoughts about us living together.

 

I will wait a couple of weeks before deferring, but I can't see things getting any better. There is no light at the end of my tunnel.

 

So, I should probably come out of the closet here. Everyone is being so supportive, and I don't want to betray anyone's trust...especially the men who have been trying to support a "brother" in need. This was a same-sex relationship. You've all probably started to wonder what kind of grown man wants to move back with his mom! Or who is thinking of staying with a female friend.

 

I know not everyone is cool with this. But I hope I don't lose too many of you over this.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I wish I could put on music, be strong, and decide to end my suffering. It just doesn't work that way (for me I guess).

Its not to imply that it was as simple as all that.

 

But as I said, what your going through is very much like withdrawal from an addiction. She and your relationship with her is the drug.

 

So what you've got to do is talk it out, walk it out, work it out, find and use any positive thing that you can to stay busy and occupied.

 

When I was going through it I used work (24/7/365) exercise, the gym, rock & roll music for over a year.

[MrMayI]

Thanks Lisa. I'm glad someone else felt this way too (well, not glad...but you know what I mean). I have talked to someone at the law school. I can defer for four months if needed (or a year). If I feel up for it I can come back, but like I said, I detested law school. Not saying I won't finish my degree, it just might take longer than expected. I know I'm not supposed to make rash decisions, and I'm trying not to, but time is running out. School starts soon. Plus the fact that my friend has gotten all weird about the cat makes me think she is having second thoughts about us living together.

 

I will wait a couple of weeks before deferring, but I can't see things getting any better. There is no light at the end of my tunnel.

 

So, I should probably come out of the closet here. Everyone is being so supportive, and I don't want to betray anyone's trust...especially the men who have been trying to support a "brother" in need. This was a same-sex relationship. You've all probably started to wonder what kind of grown man wants to move back with his mom! Or who is thinking of staying with a female friend.

 

I know not everyone is cool with this. But I hope I don't lose too many of you over this.

 

not a problem then, sister!

you're still going through the same **** the rest of us are. expressing the same feelings and concerns. having the same self-doubt and worry as the rest of us. all i want you to do is hang in there, and take it one step, one day at a time. that's all we all can do. keep posting, and you'll literally be able to watch yourself get better, slump back, all of that.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks so much everyone.

 

Gunny, I'm on the talking-it-out part right now. Can't quite bring myself yet to walk or work it out, but hopefully I will get there eventually.

 

I sure hope you're right Lisa about getting better. As you probably know it feels like that will never happen at this point. I will take it a day at a time, and I will keep posting.

[Chrome Barracuda]

you'll get through it.

 

Same -sex couples got the same problems as everyone else. Your still young so grieve the relationship and face the future on our own. You was a person before her, and be someone else after.

[delajoonal]

The other is NOT over you my friend. You cannot replace a bond that old emotionally in that short of time or even delete it. More then likely they are just suppressing the feelings to deal with later (oh and they will deal with them at some point) or trying to run from them by seemingly replacing good for the bad. They can run but they cannot hide. Either way, you need to take this time and get your head straight. You do not want to make the same mistake twice or jump into a relationship for a rebound. Use this freedom, the data from this relationship, and grow. If they come back to you, it will be on your terms.[/QUOTE]

 

 

oh boy! here is MORE FABULOUS advice...another LS'er and i were must discussing THIS very issue...

 

The leaver has put on this NEW personality, someone we don't even recognize, they are mean, short tempered, can't look you in the eye, etc.

 

this person, is exacly that Bent has described..this person HAS NOT dealt with any of the pain and guilt they have just caused another human being...and especially those long term relationships...paleez! the leaver cannot no more walk out and forget about EVERYTHING you shared, anymore than you can being the one that was left...

 

the leaver is just hiding IT all in their NEW persona...

but IT will come out...someday, in an hour, a month...maybe it will take 10 years...BUT it will come out..and most likely at the most inopportune time too....

 

they leaver may NOT seem human anymore..BUT THEY are...

IT will hit them...usually too darn late...meaning, you/me/all of us, will have moved on with our lives...

[delajoonal]

soheartbroken..

 

p.s. i have moved from my marital home i shared with my H and child for many years...let me tell you, the pain seems to be worse here alone in a new apartment.

i think i found comfort in my marital home...i had no choice in the matter tho...(H made the move happen)

 

anyway...try to go back to your apt. find comfort in the good memories and CRY your heart out too...crying is good when in our position...you have to let it out..and where better then YOUR apt...turn up THAT song...hold her pillow...cry scream...break stuff...get IT ALL OUT!...

 

and also, everyone is VERY correct in saying, DO NOT make any HUGE decisions right now...really, too much is too much...ONE month is NOT that long when hit with someone you love walking out on you so abrupbtely:(

 

take ALL the time you need..and keep coming back to LS and posting...venting and reading...THIS is what is getting me thru this nightmare.

[delajoonal]

and...there is a vet, he can be a bit contrversial...BUT he has been thru IT ALL! Gunny.

Me?

Conterversial?

No more so than Captain Jack Sparrow?

"Where's the rum? Why is there never any rum?"

LOL...OK, so i used the wrong word..i meant gruff and ruff...BUT a heart of GOLD!..LOL...

i hope thou did not offend?

i luv what you have to say Gunny...even when u make me see what i SO DO NOT want to see...ThAT is a good thing that you do..

you get us mad and also know when to use a soft hand...

 

that is what i appreciate:)

 

thank you..really;)

[LisaUk]

Thanks Lisa. I'm glad someone else felt this way too (well, not glad...but you know what I mean). I have talked to someone at the law school. I can defer for four months if needed (or a year). If I feel up for it I can come back, but like I said, I detested law school. Not saying I won't finish my degree, it just might take longer than expected. I know I'm not supposed to make rash decisions, and I'm trying not to, but time is running out. School starts soon. Plus the fact that my friend has gotten all weird about the cat makes me think she is having second thoughts about us living together.

 

I will wait a couple of weeks before deferring, but I can't see things getting any better. There is no light at the end of my tunnel.

 

So, I should probably come out of the closet here. Everyone is being so supportive, and I don't want to betray anyone's trust...especially the men who have been trying to support a "brother" in need. This was a same-sex relationship. You've all probably started to wonder what kind of grown man wants to move back with his mom! Or who is thinking of staying with a female friend.

 

I know not everyone is cool with this. But I hope I don't lose too many of you over this.

 

Of course I am still here for you, I'm sorry I assumed! Same sex couples have all the same problems as us hetro couples, you're in pain, we are all in this together and we will all get through this together.

 

I think you are wise to wait a couple of weeks before you make the decision on deferring, then if you really can't face it maybe take the 3 month option to start? On a side note can I ask why you hated law school so much? I am still deciding whether to go, I'm in the UK so it may be a bit different, but I'd still like to hear you thoughts on it.

 

You really do feel like it will never get better and no matter how many people tell you it will, you can't beleive it at the moment. Have a look at some threads from the start, see where the people are now, you can literally see the feelings evolving in some of them. I'm not saying I'm there yet, but it does get easier with time.