I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

Just wanted to add that I resisted driving by her house tonight, and resisted checking to see if she took out garbage and recycling at the apartment.

[soheartbroken]

Well, I can't sleep, so thought I would post a pared down version of the email that I sent her Saturday night. Maybe someone can tell me why she is not/will not respond. Note that she did not want to meet to go through all the stuff left at the apartment. She said if I left anything that she would take care of it.

 

Hey. Hope your [weekend is going well]. Did you end up taking your own car instead of your mom's?...

 

Just wanted to send this before I forget everything.

 

So I moved almost everything out today.

...

 

My phone is still plugged in so I can get messages. IF I don't have to return to the apartment for any other reason, I might ask that you grab the phone as a last request around September 1st (when you check mail sometime).

 

...ALSO: my ring...is missing. Maybe you packed it away when you were putting away stuff for me?

 

There is a pile of stuff for you in the office (and a small box that I started for goodwill). I didn't have the heart to throw away my fish bowl, so do with it as you please.

 

Garbage, recycling and green bin (!) will have to go out... I'm sorry that you are still left to deal with things, but for my part I had to deal with tonnes of odds and ends.

 

I will need to get [R's] key from your car at some point...

 

Shoot, I didn't even get to the basement...do I have stuff down there?

 

Please have a thorough look over of the apartment. I may have forgotten stuff. If I left something that seems really strange that I would leave, then maybe it was a mistake.

 

I probably have more to say, but can't remember. You might want to print this out when you go back to [the apartment].

 

Could you get in touch with me when you're back next week so that we can discuss meeting? Please don't leave me hanging. I will be back [in town] Monday night, but will be checking email all weekend. We also need to discuss mail and getting your bike back (do you even have a place for it at [your new place]?)

 

Ok. Talk to you soon.

[soheartbroken]

NO CONTACT BEGINS

 

I will make a long story short. We finally spoke last night. Lots was said, mostly by me. I've come to the conclusion that she is uncomfortable seeing me, so even though she said she could meet with me "one last time for closure" for today, I turned her down (I'm sure she only offered because she was desparate just to get me out of her life).

 

I said I could say everything I needed to say on the phone. So I said my peace. We agreed that we would not speak for awhile.

 

5 years. Gone. Done. Know how much it hurts to hear the person you love tell you "we should go our own separate ways"?

 

So, I am destroyed today. Starting from scratch. Need to figure out what to do with my life.

[Gunny376]

"Need to figure out what to do with my life. "

 

You think divorce is hard?

 

Try figuring this one out!

 

Hint take a long deep hard look within yourself!

 

Find self validation within yourself!

 

Learn to accept yourself!

 

Learn to love yourself!

 

Learn to self validate yourself!

 

Learn to honor yourself!

 

Learn to cherish yourself!

 

Learn how to forgive yourself!

 

Learn how to be alone and happy!

[soheartbroken]

P.S. Gunny, "Uncoupling" has just arrived in the mail. I'm excited yet terrified to read it.

[sibehrman]

SOHEARTBROKEN, Ive been reading your thread and i am in the same boat you are. I'll share with you some of my story. I was married for 5 years. We got married in the caribbean but we never registered here in th US. So needless to say it the marriage isnt exactly legal. We agreed to a separation and i moved into an apartment in the begining of July. We talked, i even spent some nites at our house. I rented the apartment in the town where my restaurant(i managed a chain restaurant) was and our house was like 25 miles away. For the 1st week or so things seemed to be going well, we talked every nite and we were going out to dinner and stuff. Well long story short 1 day she got real weird and distant. I know she been hanging with new friends and all and i knew she had met someone. She didnt even have the respect for me to not keep it from me. I mean Monday she told me she loved me and wanted to work things out...Friday she decided to move on with someone else. Sorry if im all over the place im a bit tired! Anyways I had to work on wednesday the next week. I called my boss to tell him what i was going through and he came down. He told me to take the weekend off and that i was to have a meeting with him and his boss on the following Monday. I knew that meant they were letting me go. I had done some stupid things that i did for my ex in the restaurant that i shouldnt have done. Lets just say the restaurant is an easy place to find things! Also i have been with this company for ten years and i worked hard to get my position and i was proud of it. I had a pretty tough time as a teenager and i didnt follow the best path, but i felt i had outgrown all that and that i was doing very well. So i chose to resign before they can let me go, but either way i was out my job,now my ex is telling me she's seeing someone else and the house we bought is in her name only. I was crushed. I still am. There are moments where im Like WTF and all i can say is f@#k. I was living in the midwest and i now stay with my parents in NJ. Im gonna be 32 in November and my pride is at a all time low. I try not to talk to her but i wanna so bad. I have gotten progressively better bout not contacting her. I made it a whole day and half a few days ago and today i called her cause we still have financials and other ties together. She doesnt want to confront any of it and truthfuly either do i. So here i am almost 32 at my parents with loosing my house, my job, my ex...What else do i got to loose. I have no idea where to begin. But i can only say everyday things get better and sometimes they are unbearable. I have someone who likes to make me smile and they help me everyday. I hang with my parents and my aunts and my cousins. I have no idea where ill end up now, but now i am doing stuff for me and i try as hard as possible to stay distracted. Tomorrow i leave for England and when i get back im going to Florida. The only thing i understand is you cant run from the pain you just have to believe that you will be ok. Oh and that when i get really down about why things failed...I remember that yes i had faults but that she was always the one that brought the worst out in me!

[Gunny376]

Just take it slow ~ its hard~ I know!

 

Boy do I know!

 

I can laugh now!

 

One breath at a time ~ and NO I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU NEED AN INHALER!

 

Back in the day when I was going through what you and others here were going through ~ there was a song that kept running though my my mind (actually a lot of them) but one of them was "Break My Mind"

 

This was back before the Internet and such forums as Love Shack (And Tony you can truly go to your grave knowing that you made a difference in so many people's lives coming up with this site! The quote from Ronald Reagan about Marines comes to mind? "Some people spend their entire lives wondering if they made a difference ~ Marines don't have that problem! " And neither do you my friend!)

 

I don't see anything wrong with the e-mail.

 

Harmless enough.

 

Innocent enough.

 

And, I don't know quite how to put this?

 

But when a woman's done and her mind is made up?

 

She's done and her mind is made up!

 

My concern?

 

Is you!

 

Your taking this extremely hard!

 

You seem better today than when you initially posted?

 

You can't see it, but I see incremental increases each day that you post!

 

Your first post would have been mine the first day!

 

I was a freaking basket-case!

 

Can't say that about you and your situation ~ but I was!

 

I was stumbling and fumbling, bumping into walls.

 

I don't know that I'm the best person to be your advocate nor advise you.

 

I got called out today by a co-worker about my 'hard-corps~do or die attitude ~ as I've been called out here.

 

Righteously so!

 

I've learned a lot from being here and from the people here!

 

That's why I'm here!

 

To learn!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Broken, yes it hurts that 5 years have passed and all you are left with are the memories. but remember you had a life before her, you'll have one after her and her memory will be an afterthought. I still have reisduals thoughts in my head about how things ended with my exes. but I stay NC, I live my life for myself. I got a great union paying govt job. bout to buy my own car next year, trying to work out again. and I still get attention from women out there. So I know I aint ugly. Work on doing things that you are passionate about, for yourself.

 

Things that you love, new things. The world is your oyster. it makes no sense sitting in a room pining away after some idiot who cannot appreciate you.

 

So live...

[Gunny376]

Broken, yes it hurts that 5 years have passed and all you are left with are the memories. but remember you had a life before her, you'll have one after her and her memory will be an afterthought. I still have reisduals thoughts in my head about how things ended with my exes. but I stay NC, I live my life for myself. I got a great union paying govt job. bout to buy my own car next year, trying to work out again. and I still get attention from women out there. So I know I aint ugly. Work on doing things that you are passionate about, for yourself.

 

Things that you love, new things. The world is your oyster. it makes no sense sitting in a room pining away after some idiot who cannot appreciate you.

 

So live...

 

Amen Brother!

 

Don't hold back!

 

Stand up and testify!

 

Stand up and tell the Truth!

 

Tell it all!

[LisaUk]

Hi Soheatbroken

 

I know you can't see it, but I can, in your posts recently you sound so much stronger. One day at a time sweetie. Chrome said it, don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't deserve you, doesn't appreciate you, remember the good times, but don't forget the bad.

 

You loved her for the right reasons and you have commitment and staying power, unfortunately she doesn't, that's what's makes you so special, that's hard to find these days, just look at all those left on this board!

[Gunny376]

Hi Soheatbroken

 

I know you can't see it, but I can, in your posts recently you sound so much stronger. One day at a time sweetie. Chrome said it, don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't deserve you, doesn't appreciate you, remember the good times, but don't forget the bad.

 

You loved her for the right reasons and you have commitment and staying power, unfortunately she doesn't, that's what's makes you so special, that's hard to find these days, just look at all those left on this board!

 

 

All day strong!

[soheartbroken]

Thanks everyone. It's such a comfort to have you all here.

 

I don't know that I'm getting any better, I'm just at a different stage. I feel rejected, guilty for screwing up the relationship, and unworthy of her right now. I don't deserve her, not the other way around. She made the right choice to leave me. I poisoned the relationship from the beginning with anger. I ruined something with a great person.

 

And I'm definitely stuck on her saying "we should go our own separate ways". I mean, I know that I have to go NC for myself, but if she's so confident and happy with her decision, then why does she need space? How come I don't get the line "we should be friends", or random texts asking how I'm doing?

 

It just all seems so final, which is why I decided to post on the divorce forum. Was I that terrible a person that she doesn't even want to speak to me?

[soheartbroken]

SOHEARTBROKEN, Ive been reading your thread and i am in the same boat you are. I'll share with you some of my story. I was married for 5 years. We got married in the caribbean but we never registered here in th US. So needless to say it the marriage isnt exactly legal. We agreed to a separation and i moved into an apartment in the begining of July. We talked, i even spent some nites at our house. I rented the apartment in the town where my restaurant(i managed a chain restaurant) was and our house was like 25 miles away. For the 1st week or so things seemed to be going well, we talked every nite and we were going out to dinner and stuff. Well long story short 1 day she got real weird and distant. I know she been hanging with new friends and all and i knew she had met someone. She didnt even have the respect for me to not keep it from me. I mean Monday she told me she loved me and wanted to work things out...Friday she decided to move on with someone else. Sorry if im all over the place im a bit tired! Anyways I had to work on wednesday the next week. I called my boss to tell him what i was going through and he came down. He told me to take the weekend off and that i was to have a meeting with him and his boss on the following Monday. I knew that meant they were letting me go. I had done some stupid things that i did for my ex in the restaurant that i shouldnt have done. Lets just say the restaurant is an easy place to find things! Also i have been with this company for ten years and i worked hard to get my position and i was proud of it. I had a pretty tough time as a teenager and i didnt follow the best path, but i felt i had outgrown all that and that i was doing very well. So i chose to resign before they can let me go, but either way i was out my job,now my ex is telling me she's seeing someone else and the house we bought is in her name only. I was crushed. I still am. There are moments where im Like WTF and all i can say is f@#k. I was living in the midwest and i now stay with my parents in NJ. Im gonna be 32 in November and my pride is at a all time low. I try not to talk to her but i wanna so bad. I have gotten progressively better bout not contacting her. I made it a whole day and half a few days ago and today i called her cause we still have financials and other ties together. She doesnt want to confront any of it and truthfuly either do i. So here i am almost 32 at my parents with loosing my house, my job, my ex...What else do i got to loose. I have no idea where to begin. But i can only say everyday things get better and sometimes they are unbearable. I have someone who likes to make me smile and they help me everyday. I hang with my parents and my aunts and my cousins. I have no idea where ill end up now, but now i am doing stuff for me and i try as hard as possible to stay distracted. Tomorrow i leave for England and when i get back im going to Florida. The only thing i understand is you cant run from the pain you just have to believe that you will be ok. Oh and that when i get really down about why things failed...I remember that yes i had faults but that she was always the one that brought the worst out in me!

 

Hi Sibehrman. Thanks for reading and sharing. Looks like we are both kind of starting from scratch. Glad to hear that you are able to distract yourself. I need to start getting out more. Spending too much time on these forums! They've become my way of self-medicating.

 

I try hard to believe I will be okay. Sometimes it's hard though. Family is great to be around, but eventually I will have to venture out on my own, and that's a scary thought! Let me know how things go for you.

[Gunny376]

Just wanted to sign in and let you know I was thinking about you!

 

Hope your doing better Kitten!

 

Hell there's people that don't even know you that care about you!

 

Be strong for me!

[LisaUk]

Thanks everyone. It's such a comfort to have you all here.

 

I don't know that I'm getting any better, I'm just at a different stage. I feel rejected, guilty for screwing up the relationship,Takes two to make it, you didn't screw this up and unworthy of her right now.Remember that she choose to be with you for 5 years, she wouldn't have been if you weren't someone special. I don't deserve her, not the other way around. She made the right choice to leave me. I poisoned the relationship from the beginning with anger. I ruined something with a great person.

 

And I'm definitely stuck on her saying "we should go our own separate ways". I mean, I know that I have to go NC for myself, but if she's so confident and happy with her decision, then why does she need space? How come I don't get the line "we should be friends", or random texts asking how I'm doing? Yes, we all wonder this at first, can be many reasons, most selfish ones, such as she wants to know you would have her back should she change her mind, guilt etc. But I'm only suggesting, the only person who knows is her and she's not going to explain right now.

 

It just all seems so final, which is why I decided to post on the divorce forum. Was I that terrible a person that she doesn't even want to speak to me? You're not a terrible person, she probably wants space because she can't handle the guilt and any feelings she has of regret, it's probably selfish reasons, who knows what goes through their minds, but it isn't b/c you are a terrible person, like I said she wouldn't have spent 5 years with you if you were.

 

Sweetie, you're feeling it right now, all this is par for the course, so much of what you are experiencing has been and is being experienced by people on this board. You're not alone. I know it sucks you have to go through this, but I promise "this too shall pass". (All credit to Gunny for that and some others I said, thank you Gunny very insightful and very comforting!)

[soheartbroken]

Just waking up to the realization that someone that I was so close to doesn't even want to speak to me anymore, doesn't even want to be my friend.

 

When does this stop? When can you finally wake up and this isn't the first thing on your mind? It feels like every morning you have to wake up and come to the realization that you've been left...over, and over, and over again.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for thinking of me Gunny.

 

Lisa, I try to tell myself that everyone goes through this, but when it happens to you, you always think that you're the only one that feels this bad, that you will be one of the few who never get past it, who mourn forever.

 

I hate life!

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

Oh I know, I felt that way to, but there will come a moment for you where you suddenly realise that they just aren't worth it. I KNOW you don't believe me! I wouldn't have belived me! LOL

 

When will you stop waking up and having that moment of "I've been left"? For me it was about a week ago (I'm nearly 6 months since he b*****ed off)! I had it once this week, but it wasn't accompanied with raw emotions, it was just like "oh, yeah, he left, I remember, whatever". Detached. It will happen, you will have that moment and then it will stop, when your least expecting it.

 

Try not to hate life Sweetie, one day you will be happy again.

[soheartbroken]

And Lisa, just to clarify, she did not say we should be friends, and does not/will not contact me to ask how I'm doing. From what I've read on these forums, MOST dumpers do these things. So I guess I'm just wondering why she cares so little about me.

[LisaUk]

And Lisa, just to clarify, she did not say we should be friends, and does not/will not contact me to ask how I'm doing. From what I've read on these forums, MOST dumpers do these things. So I guess I'm just wondering why she cares so little about me.

 

Same here, my ex intially said lets try and be friends in a few months, then recanted and said it would have to be many many years down the line. In other words, he doesn't want to be. Hurt me for a long while, not really bothered now, I don't need a friend who could cause me so much pain, I'm better off without him in my life.

 

He didn't contact me once, not once has he asked how I am, even when I was doing the legals or the whole begging thing. So, i understand what you mean. Yes, it is unusual, most DECENT people do try and stay friendly and contcat to see if the other is ok. If the relationship had broken down naturally and mutually and she had given you a REAL opportunity to work it out first, I think you would have found this would have been the case. Did she do that? Did she REALLY let you know she was unhappy in a calm and adult way?

 

That's what should happen, that's what any decent, caring and commited person would do. This so isn't a reflection on you, but on her!

[soheartbroken]

We both knew that we were having problems, so I wouldn't say that it was out of the blue. We tried, she tried. That's what makes this so hard. She was decent, caring, and commited. She didn't want this to happen, but her feelings must just have changed. I just don't understand why she can't see me or speak to me. At least your ex said maybe in a couple years...We were so happy once, her emails were so sweet and caring. We were so in love, she loved me so much.

 

Today is a bad day. Lisa, I went over your entire thread ("I get it"). Somehow it seems that I'm not doing as well as I should be. I just want this to stop. I should be getting better, not worse.

[lupa]

We both knew that we were having problems, so I wouldn't say that it was out of the blue. We tried, she tried. That's what makes this so hard. She was decent, caring, and commited. She didn't want this to happen, but her feelings must just have changed. I just don't understand why she can't see me or speak to me. At least your ex said maybe in a couple years...We were so happy once, her emails were so sweet and caring. We were so in love, she loved me so much.

 

Today is a bad day. Lisa, I went over your entire thread ("I get it"). Somehow it seems that I'm not doing as well as I should be. I just want this to stop. I should be getting better, not worse.

Hey -- I even have a girlfriend now and I cried a bit about my marriage today. It was brief, but it had built over the last few days. I think it is natural to be so upset. We'll get through it eventually. Eventually.

[LisaUk]

We both knew that we were having problems, so I wouldn't say that it was out of the blue. We tried, she tried. That's what makes this so hard. She was decent, caring, and commited. She didn't want this to happen, but her feelings must just have changed. I just don't understand why she can't see me or speak to me. At least your ex said maybe in a couple years...We were so happy once, her emails were so sweet and caring. We were so in love, she loved me so much.

 

Today is a bad day. Lisa, I went over your entire thread ("I get it"). Somehow it seems that I'm not doing as well as I should be. I just want this to stop. I should be getting better, not worse.

 

Hi

 

I started my thread 3 months after my ex left me, it's only been about 6 weeks for you? In any case, everyone grives at their own pace, there is no set time and no set way to grieve.

 

The pain fades, it becomes less and less over time, eventually as you start living your life, it will fade into nothingness, only patience and time can do this.

 

You can say to yourself "you know what I'm done with this" but that alone will not make it go away, that's just burying it, if it were that easy we would all just be able to switch it off. At the moment when you say that to yourself, that's when you start to live your life and that is when the pain will really start to ebb away.

 

I hope you feel better soon, we all have bad days, like I said be patient with yourself, your grieving.

[singledad2]

And Lisa, just to clarify, she did not say we should be friends, and does not/will not contact me to ask how I'm doing. From what I've read on these forums, MOST dumpers do these things. So I guess I'm just wondering why she cares so little about me.

 

 

I am kinda jumping into the middle I know, and I am suffering in my own pain, but I can tell you this. They have to justify to themselves what they are doing so they have to distance themselves. You need to start focusing on yourself if you want to get on top of this. Make a checklist of things you need to do to take care of YOURSELF, and then GET BUSY doing it. You are doing some good things like getting it out here and letting all of theee big-hearted people on this forum help. Its something you are doing for YOURSELF which is a what you need to focus on. Get deep into a job, passion, mission, or charity that is gonna make YOU feel better. As long as you start focusing on YOURSELF and letting the rest go to the man driving upstairs things will move along. It will be in cycles but make it go 2 steps forward and one step back rather than the other way around. You obviously are a caring person that can give as much as you do. The man upstairs has a plan for you and sometimes he doesn't answer all that fast but the biggest blessings come after the biggest trials. Write down all the things about here that you want to avoid next time around and maybe you will realize she was put in your path to let you grow to the next level. WORK ON THAT ChECKLIST! I can't wait for the day when you are on here with your new blessings in hand being an angel to someone else who needs your help getting through the exact same thing.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks singledad. Not jumping into the middle at all. I do need to start really focusing on myself. Gotta get thoughts of her and what she's doing/thinking/feeling out of my head!