I'm in so much pain, and so

[delajoonal]

shb....it will happen sweetie..i promise..i SO know the pain you are in...oh boy do i !...

 

i have come along way just this past week alone..BUT, i still have moments, i cry, i want to 'go home'...i still at times wonder WHY?

what happened? and how he could pick such a bucket over me...

meaning, what they say is true about cheaters/leavers always trading down...so there is some solace in that:o

 

you take all the time you need OK!..we will ALL be here for you...

[Auroracoladybug]

shb...it has been only a month since J has left me and the baby...trust me I am still there most of the time...I am a ball of feelings that most never see (ask the customers at my work they think I am always full of energy and they usually see me when I am exhausted)...there is no explaining the leavers suddenly losing any feelings for us...J started out saying that he loved me but didn't think he was in love with me...Now? "I care about you in so much that you are the babys mother"...I wake up every morning with a little uneasyness and go to bed with it to...the biggest reason why I have made "so much progress"...my son...I know that if I didn't have him???who knows what my incentive to move on with me would be...keep moving buddy because what you do for you is all you control...we can't control them and lord knows we can't read their minds

[Gunny376]

I was originally going to post this on the "Dumpee" thread you posted ~ but decided to post it on yours ~ so here goes!

 

I myself do not even have the chance.

 

Yea you do!

 

With someone else!

 

Where in the Hell did you get it in your head that she was the 'one and only' and the best that you could do?

 

When you've healed from this ~ and you will ~ your going to more experinced, smarter, wiser than when you meet her!

 

Anything she's got? There's someone out there that has just as good if not better!

 

Anything she's got to offer? There's someone out there that has just as much to offer if not more!

 

You'll be more cautious about just handling out your 'heart' to anyone! And you'll more aware. You'll (If your smart) move slower.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you.........................................

 

Nor cause you anymore additional pain than your already going through with this breakup?

 

I just wanted you to know I understand?

 

I've been all over the World, seen things and did things most people never dreamed of.

 

But nothing ever hurt me as the "Closing of the Door!"

 

I've heard the sound of my dear old mama crying

 

And the sound of the train that took me off to war

 

The awful sound of a thousand bombs exploding

 

 

And I wondered if I could take it anymore

 

There were times when they almost drove me crazy

 

But I did my best and took it like a man

 

And who would think in my lonely room I'd hear it

 

The one sound in the world my heart can't stand

 

To hear that sound and to know its really over

 

Through tear stained eyes I watched her walk away

 

And of earthquakes, storms and guns and war

 

Lord, nothing has ever hurt me more than that lonely sound

 

The closing of the door

 

And of earthquakes, storms and guns and war

 

Lord, nothing ever hurt me more than that lonely sound

 

The closing of the door...

 

George Jones

 

Its alright to grive! Its alright to cry!

 

You've got to let all of that pain out!

 

Pain is nothing but weakness leaving the body!

 

And you can't sit around for the next twenty, thirty, forty years "would I, should I, could I!"

 

What was? WAS!

 

What is? IS!

 

And WHAT will be ~ by God will be!

 

Come as it may!

 

The time to get serious about your Life is right here and now! The time to get real about your Life is NOW!

 

The time to tell the people you love them dearly is right here and now!

 

The time to live passionately and with all of your heart is right here and now!

 

The time to live your Life paasionately? Is right here and now!

 

Now is not the time for greiving!

 

Now is the time to live your Life!

 

In its prime!

 

In your youth!

 

And do so passionately!

 

Live your Life to its top!

 

To its fullest!

 

Live each day as though as it were your last!

 

Count your blessings ~ not your sorrows!

 

God (As I know Him ~ a very loving and forgiving and understanding One) has laid many a blessed thing at your feet!

 

Live your life passionately with fever and hope ~ for "Hope floats eternal!"

[LakesideDream]

Earlier in this thread Gunny took my name in vain.. well sort of. I don't know if he was right in comparing our two journeys, deciding he got off easy.

 

What he is right about is the absolute fact that "this too will pass". After 25 years of seemingly OK marriage, that went up in flames in an hour, and ended in divorce in a couple of weeks... (yes there are states like that), I was hurt, no.. devistated. Sad, so so very sad. And, thought there was no point in fighting the good fight anymore.

 

It took a few months for the pain to subside (and for me to sober up from three months of nightly Scotch induced oblivion). Once I began to "feel" again, I began to "deal" again. It wasn't a quick process. Two years after the divorce I still allowed myself to "hate" my ex for five minutes every morning when I woke up. Sometimes I still stop, shake my head, smile wrulefully and say I'm sad to myself. At that moment I am sad, why pretend it isn't true?

 

Life for me will never be as good as it was "at the best", that's just the way it is. Life ain't bad though. At some point you are going to get fed up with the pity party and start filling that shovel one scoop at a time, building steps out of the hole you have been living in.

 

"Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" are the three most important words in my vocabulary. Strung together they are the most powerful sentence I know. I have mumbled them to myself thousands of times when faced with "situations" large and small, and never had them fail me. You will "begin to get out of this" when you decide it's time.

 

For your sake, I hope it happens soon. You are to young to be wasting the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months that you are wasting. Ask Gunny, ask me. WE BOTH would give anything to be where you are today, because you have so many tomorrows ahead of you.

 

Good luck sport. Remember, "Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome" the words won't fail you.

[Gunny376]

Earlier in this thread Gunny took my name in vain.. well sort of. I don't know if he was right in comparing our two journeys, deciding he got off easy.

 

What he is right about is the absolute fact that "this too will pass". After 25 years of seemingly OK marriage, that went up in flames in an hour, and ended in divorce in a couple of weeks... (yes there are states like that), I was hurt, no.. devistated. Sad, so so very sad. And, thought there was no point in fighting the good fight anymore.

 

It took a few months for the pain to subside (and for me to sober up from three months of nightly Scotch induced oblivion). Once I began to "feel" again, I began to "deal" again. It wasn't a quick process. Two years after the divorce I still allowed myself to "hate" my ex for five minutes every morning when I woke up. Sometimes I still stop, shake my head, smile wrulefully and say I'm sad to myself. At that moment I am sad, why pretend it isn't true?

 

Life for me will never be as good as it was "at the best", that's just the way it is. Life ain't bad though. At some point you are going to get fed up with the pity party and start filling that shovel one scoop at a time, building steps out of the hole you have been living in.

 

"Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" are the three most important words in my vocabulary. Strung together they are the most powerful sentence I know. I have mumbled them to myself thousands of times when faced with "situations" large and small, and never had them fail me. You will "begin to get out of this" when you decide it's time.

 

For your sake, I hope it happens soon. You are to young to be wasting the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months that you are wasting. Ask Gunny, ask me. WE BOTH would give anything to be where you are today, because you have so many tomorrows ahead of you.

 

Good luck sport. Remember, "Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome" the words won't fail you.

 

 

Somewhere in the world on the side of a mountain ~ or carved in stone in a moument should these words be carved!

[Gunny376]

Its like the old post card I remember from my youth that showed two vultures out in the desert sitting on the limb of a dead tree with the caption of "Forget this!!! I'm going to kill something!"

 

Lakeside is right!

 

Improvise, adapt and overcome!

 

Make your life happen!

 

Don't seek others to validate you nor your life!

 

And it really comes down to just choosing to be happy and content!

 

I can say that now!

 

Its really all relative?

 

I've got all four limbs? Ten fingers? Ten toes? I'm still breathing? I'm still alive?

 

Check? Check, and check?

 

Nothing like a couple of up and close 'intimate" encounters with some RPGs (rocket propelled grenades) to gain a new perspective on and about Life?

 

In the end?

 

You did the best you could do at the time!

 

Knowing what you know now?

 

Could you have done better?

 

Of course!

 

Enough already!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

Get BUSY living your Life!

[lupa]

Its like the old post card I remember from my youth that showed two vultures out in the desert sitting on the limb of a dead tree with the caption of "Forget this!!! I'm going to kill something!"

 

Lakeside is right!

 

Improvise, adapt and overcome!

 

Make your life happen!

 

Don't seek others to validate you nor your life!

 

And it really comes down to just choosing to be happy and content!

 

I can say that now!

 

Its really all relative?

 

I've got all four limbs? Ten fingers? Ten toes? I'm still breathing? I'm still alive?

 

Check? Check, and check?

 

Nothing like a couple of up and close 'intimate" encounters with some RPGs (rocket propelled grenades) to gain a new perspective on and about Life?

 

In the end?

 

You did the best you could do at the time!

 

Knowing what you know now?

 

Could you have done better?

 

Of course!

 

Enough already!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

Get BUSY living your Life!

I know this isn't directed toward me, but thank you Gunny. I needed to hear that today.

[soheartbroken]

Well Gunny, I'm going to beat myself up again...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

 

Yesterday was an "OK" day, and today has been as well so far. This is not normal. I should be a wreck, balling my eyes out. But I'm not. Something is wrong. I should be grieving, for I have lost A LOT. My life, and my love.

 

Have I run away from it all? I've moved away from my city, and sought refuge at my mom's. Now that she is gone on vacation, I'm staying with my older brother and his gf. It feels like I'm in a different world, removed from much of the pain. I'm being too rational.

 

Am I living a fantasy? I think a lot about reconnecting with her in the future, as friends mind you. Is this what's getting me through the days? I also think about meeting someone else to fill the void, believing that I will find someone to love me. Truth is, I know this is years away. I also spend time thinking about how I will come out of this a better person, less angry.

 

Am I self-medicating? I spend A LOT of time on LS, reading people's posts etc. I also read relationship books (reading "Rebuilding when your relationship ends right now). I've almost given up on work (I "research" from home).

 

Am I in denial? This is one of the stages, right? But supposed to happen early on. Thought I was past it. The second week of the breakup, I walked around like nothing had happened, walked out of the counselor's after 10 minutes because I had nothing to say...then it all hit me. Is this happening again?

 

I think there is so much more pain in me to vent. I form very deep connections with people...and also, I haven't managed to be very angry about things.

 

Should I be trying to get in touch with this pain? Anyone gone through this?

[Auroracoladybug]

shb no trying to get in touch with this pain only makes you experience the feelings all over...you have not run away you are trying to find yourself...you may be friends in the future but the point is do you want to be? and should your life hang on that...NO...I hope to be friends again some day with my H but mostly for the sake of our son, not to live my life (Gunny said once to me...God put you on this earth for a reason and that is good enough reason)...you are not self medicating by reading and being on LS you are seeking information and education for you (or so I hope because you are not someone elses door mat)...if you are on here you are not in denial. What do you want to be, who do you want to be, and where do you want to be? Make your goals and breath...you need to cry sometimes, you need to scream sometimes, and you need to be YOU

 

keep venting, and don't degrade yourself for forming those deep connections someone out there might just need that part of your personality more than you know (even just a friend or family member).

[soheartbroken]

Hurting a bit today. Thinking of the good times...

[Auroracoladybug]

Good times are good times...they can't be repeated with the person you know now.

 

SHB KNOCK IT OFF!!! look at what you have been thru and don't put yourself in the pitts. You really are making progress on yourself...don't aim to stay in pain it makes it all worse than it is...sit down and make you a list of the good times and make you a list of the bad times...I bet they balance...

 

Kisses and hugs just because LOL I think you need it!

[Gunny376]

The human mind is an amazing thing ~ it really is. Over the course of time, it will forget all the pain, and turmoil of any given situation, and remember only the good.

 

This is what's going on with you! You can only see and remember the good times and not the bad, and as painful as it may be you must endeavor to make remember the bad times and the bad qualities of the ex.

 

If you've got to become kind of @zz kissing, supplicating shell of a person? You know what? That person isn't worth being with to begin with.

 

We all get into the mindset of this person is the best and only one we can do?

 

But I'm here to tell you that's simply not true. We were put here to live our lives and not for nor through someone else. Not even our children.

 

You want to be with someone that compliments you ~ and whom you compliment.

 

You want someone that you want to be with because you want to be with them? Not because you need to love them but chose to want and love you ~ and they you. That allows you the freedom to life to its top and to its fullest. And you the same for them!

 

Need is not Love.

 

Don't think in terms of forever, Thing of now and forever will take care of itself.

 

Grow up together constantly.

 

Expect to invest a great deal of time and energy in your relationships. Lasting relationships don't just happen, they are created.

 

Recognize that all relationships cannot be forever. Recognize their temporary quality, but continue to act as if they are permanent.

 

Respect the other person's relationship apart from you. If they are important to the one your care about, they should be important to you.

 

Never idealize others. They will and cannot live up to your expectations.

 

Take your time!

 

Remove price tags from people. Everyone has worth; the excitement lies in the discovery of their value.

 

"Loving Each Other ~ The Challenge of Human Relationships"

 

Leo F. Buscaglia, PhD.

 

What's interesting about Dr. Buscaglia is that he wrote the first ever book and taught the first ever level college class about 'love" when one of his students 'suicided' themselves.

 

Not just about 'romantic love' but love and being a loving person.

 

Other titles:

 

"LOVE"

 

"Because I am Human"

 

"The Way of the Bull"

 

"Personhood"

 

"Living, Loving & Learning"

 

The Disabled and Their Parents" A Counseling Challenge"

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Gunny. I'll try to check out some of those books...just not for awhile. Still on the break-up books. Not ready to think of love yet.

 

So I was doing okay for a couple days, but now I feel like s**t. I've realized that I feel the need to be validated by her - I need her to tell me that I'm OK, that I'm a good person. I don't want this validation from anyone else right now, just her. I think it's been 9 days since we last spoke, and the NC is hitting me hard today.

 

I just wish she would speak to me so that I don't have to feel so bad about myself. Why can't she stand me anymore? Am I going to feel this void, this need for validation from her, forever?

 

When can I stop internalizing and get to the anger part?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Surfer Girl]

9 days is not alot of time of NC..... although it probably seems like a lifetime.... I was in He** the first 3 weeks.... and I lost my job during this time... which gave me alot more time alone.... which is not good.... I found making a list of things to do and forcing myself to do them, checking each item off when it was accomplished.... forced me to focus on something other than him..... Some good surviving songs turned up loud.... a drive to the grocery store.... the gym.... talking to friends.... anything to make time go by more.... It has been over a month NC and it has not been easy, but I am able to function more as a human being.... I just know I cannot contact him as it would do me more harm than good.... and he does not need to know how I feel.... he already does... and it still wasn't good enough, It was his descion and I respect that.... and he will respect me more by leaving him alone....

[Gunny376]

9 days is not alot of time of NC..... although it probably seems like a lifetime.... I was in He** the first 3 weeks.... and I lost my job during this time... which gave me alot more time alone.... which is not good.... I found making a list of things to do and forcing myself to do them, checking each item off when it was accomplished.... forced me to focus on something other than him..... Some good surviving songs turned up loud.... a drive to the grocery store.... the gym.... talking to friends.... anything to make time go by more.... It has been over a month NC and it has not been easy, but I am able to function more as a human being.... I just know I cannot contact him as it would do me more harm than good.... and he does not need to know how I feel.... he already does... and it still wasn't good enough, It was his descion and I respect that.... and he will respect me more by leaving him alone....

 

YES! YES! and YES!

 

Get busy getting busy!

 

Get busy and stay busy!

[Gunny376]

Thanks Gunny. I'll try to check out some of those books...just not for awhile. Still on the break-up books. Not ready to think of love yet.

 

So I was doing okay for a couple days, but now I feel like s**t. I've realized that I feel the need to be validated by her - I need her to tell me that I'm OK, that I'm a good person. I don't want this validation from anyone else right now, just her. I think it's been 9 days since we last spoke, and the NC is hitting me hard today.

 

I just wish she would speak to me so that I don't have to feel so bad about myself. Why can't she stand me anymore? Am I going to feel this void, this need for validation from her, forever?

 

When can I stop internalizing and get to the anger part?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Well those books are really for your longer term growth and understanding not just about romantic love ~ but love of any and everyone.

 

And understanding about the concept of Love ~ period. That is say the love of anyone? The books are about just pure love ~ not romantic love.

 

But the concept of love of a friend, a family member and yes even romantic love.

 

I was abdoned by my Mother at age six, left to be raised by my GP's at age six. Who had already raised seven children, sent three sons off to WWII and one to the Korean War. (Actually four since three of the four stayed in the military after WWII)

 

They were caretakers and babysitters more than parents. I was raised out in the pine thickets of Alabama alone ~ which made me unique and different in my thinking than most?

 

My Mom just sent me a picture of the 'old homeplace" and it would shock your jaw! What we use to live in! (Think Jeb Clamment)

 

But we've got many that not only finished HS, college, but went on to get college degrees, and masters, and even one or two to get a PhD

 

My point?

 

You've got to fight and slugg your way out of this!

[soheartbroken]

I am sinking into the depths of despair. I am hardly alive.

 

I'm just realizing what a great person I lost...how good she was to me, how ****ty I was to her. It just hurts so much I feel like I can't go on.

 

She never criticized me, never complained about how I dressed, how I looked. Accepted everything about me, accepted every flaw on my body. Never put me down, never belittled me, never called me any names. She came to watch all my sports, drove me to all my events. Drove me to class and picked me up from class. Checked out my marks to break the good or bad news to me first. Always wanted to be intimate until I turned her down too many times. Was an excellent kisser, kind to animals. She did all the cooking and cleaning and shopping.

 

She took MY cat to the vet when she thought something was wrong with her. And I got mad at the cost of the bill. She did all the driving, always filled the car up with gas while I sat on my ass. Scraped the car off in the winter. She put the effort into finding gifts for MY family, and helped wrap them. She bought everything for the apartment, and brought me home little gifts. Sometimes I would tell her that I didn't like something that she brought home...

 

When I got stung by a wasp she went out in the middle of the night to buy me anti-histamines. She would go out and buy me cold medicine when I was sick. She would lend me her cell phone if I drove long-distance.

 

I always complained when she was late, even when she was doing a favour by picking me up from places. I flew off the handle for stupid things, like when she took a wrong turn while driving. I didn't support all the things that she did, rarely went to watch her play sports. I would point out things about her clothes if I didn't like them, and told her if I didn't like her haircut. When we first started going out I would get mad when she showed up late to my sports...when I was lucky that she came to watch at all! I didn't get up in the morning to drive her to her marathon, instead just showing up at the finish line. Didn't take her out after she graduated (twice!)...didn't buy her flowers. I rarely went for dinner at her parents place because I was "studying". I borrowed the car but never filled it up with gas.

 

I got annoyed at her when she snored. She was once coughing so much that I asked her to sleep on the couch. When she bought me an MP3 player for my birthday I was annoyed because I didn't know how to put songs on it...so she downloaded the program and did it for me. I would get annoyed with her when she would come home late from a shift and disrupt my sleep, even though there was nothing she could do about it! I asked her to stop kissing me goodbye in the morning because it woke me.

 

I could go on and on but it's simply too painful. Now you all know why we broke up. I simply wore out an amazing person...I wore her down, broke her down. This is why I can't list her flaws. This is why I can't get angry at anyone but myself. This is why I can't move on. These are my demons, my regrets that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

 

So tell me, how does one move on from this? I can't even tell her all these things.

 

How can I live with myself? I have no one to blame but me.

[LisaUk]

SHB

 

I wish I could give you a hug right now.

 

Hun, we all do things we regret, I was so horrible to my ex once when he came home really drunk and snored and f*****d all night stinking of booze, kicked him out to the sofa! We all do it, it's called being human.

 

Try not to beat yourself up sweetie, I'm sure you are blaming yourself far more than you need to be. You were the best GF you could be to her at the time, the best you knew how to be.

 

I think it might help for you to start making a list. Tojaz recommened this to me when I first joined LS. Write down on one side everything you love about her, on the other side how she is behaving now. You'll see what happens when you read it back.

 

Also, make a list of things she did that you didn't like, and don't try and tell me there wasn't anything! There is ALWAYS soemthing, no one is perfect and when you are in it for the long haul you accept someones faults as well as their good points, hence, why all that you listed above, you should not be ebating yourself up over. You cannot have been that bad, she choose to be with you for 5 years, she must have loved something about you!

 

Hugs.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Lisa. I just don't see the point in writing out things that she's done since the breakup. Ya, she was a bit of a jerk. But that's how people are when you breakup, and I don't think it's really reflective of her true character. I mean, for some of the people on here, their spouses act TERRIBLY. My ex was bad about getting back to me for about a week after we broke up, and then said we should go our separate ways. That's nothing compared to some of the sh*t in these forums.

 

As for during the relationship, there wasn't much annoying about her...but even if there was, everyone has flaws (like you said), so will my next partner (???), and so I don't see the point (yes, this is my negativity kicking in).

 

On the bright side, she did stick with me for five years. Maybe she was like an abused person though, just sticking around because you don't know any better? Ugh. You know, you get "hit", and you keep coming back for the love?? (not that I ever even came close to hitting her.) Actually I do remember that one of her past gfs was abusive, and I guess she put up with that...so that could speak volumes.

 

But no, I think she liked my passion (for awhile at least). I had anger, but my love and affection were equally as strong, and I could be goofy and giddy and pleasant. I just sucked as a partner. I JUST WISH SHE HAD TOLD ME YEARS AGO THAT I NEEDED TO SHAPE UP. Although I should have realized it myself. I'm a grown-up.

 

My brother and I went to the bookstore today, and he bought a book for his gf just as a random gift. How easy that was! Yet I (almost?) never did that. I was so envious that he had the opportunity to do this for his gf. If only I could turn back time.

 

I need to find a good therapist once I know what I'm doing this fall. Still undecided about school, but will likely take a stop-out.

[tojaz]

 

 

 

On the bright side, she did stick with me for five years. Maybe she was like an abused person though, just sticking around because you don't know any better? Ugh. You know, you get "hit", and you keep coming back for the love?? (not that I ever even came close to hitting her.)

 

I just sucked as a partner. I JUST WISH SHE HAD TOLD ME YEARS AGO THAT I NEEDED TO SHAPE UP. Although I should have realized it myself. I'm a grown-up.

 

 

OK SBH, lets look at this! Do you really believe you sucked as a partner? Did you do the best you could? Give all you could give at the time? Take a hard look!!

 

Your here, spilling your guts and kicking the snot out of yourself over her. Thats commitment, thats love, thats doing it the best you know how! Why beat yourself up for that.

 

I haven't read your whole thread, Lisa suggested i give it a look, and now i know what I'm doing the rest of the night!!

 

She walked away, your looking to place blame on yourself, she gave up, not you, you put in the work, your shouldering the hurt, your looking to be a better you! What is she doing? Is she on this board looking for answers, looking to do better, be better? No, you are!

 

I'm going to read your thread now, in the mean time

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

No Tojaz, she is certainly not on this board looking to do better!

 

To counteract all my negativity, I thought I would post a couple small positive things since the split:

 

1. I've realized that I really like driving, especially manual transmission. She did all the driving. Lisa will understand!

 

2. I enjoy using my credit card, and I even got myself a new one with rewards. I pay it off immediately, not going into debt or anything. But I'm building credit and being independent. She usually paid for everything and we just split the costs at the end of the month.

 

3. I'm happy that I will get a chance to address my anger. It's always bothered me a bit, but this is giving me the boost to actually do something about it.

 

4. I've become closer to a lot of people, but especially my mom and my brother.

 

5. I can eat pretty normally now, and sleep, and I can even concentrate enough to read a book once in a while. And I bought a "non-breakup" book today!

 

6. Now I can empathize with people going through something like this.

 

Lisa, I'm gonna try check out your picture...not sure how to do it, but will fiddle around with things.

[tojaz]

BentNot: It was a mixture of what you said. I was thinking of breaking up with her, because I was frustrated by a lack of affection and the fighting. But I couldn't do it because I still loved her and I knew it would hurt too much. I still wanted things to work. She thought we had tried everything and didn't want to try anymore (she did not want to go to counseling). I think she did try hard up until the end. She was still buying stuff for the house and everything, made me a nice birthday card etc. It really hurts writing this stuff...

 

Not sure about the character flaw thing. She is a great person. She does suffer from depression sometimes, and that may have been a contributing factor (though she said that that was not the reason "this time" -- A year ago she broke things off when she became depressed, and that lasted only a few days. I remember holding her and she told me that no one had ever stuck with her like I had, and that she would not do this to me again. But she did.) I don't reallly consider depression to be a deal-breaker character flaw though. Lots of people have it and it's not a reason to leave someone in my mind, unless they don't seek help when they should.

 

Anyway, this time round she said it was just "us", that we just "feed off eachother" and conflict basically (she is on meds now for the depression). She said that she still loved me and that she wanted things to work, but that they just weren't. So that doesn't give me much of a reason. She never complained during the relationship about behaviour of mine that I think contributed to our downfall - my impatience, temper, stubbornness etc. I aslo wasn't very supportive sometimes. I wish I could change all these things. I wish she had told me to change all these things. But to this day she won't point out anything specific that I did wrong. Last time that we spoke (I will make a separate post) I asked her if we were both to blame for the relationship failing. I don't remember her exact words, but she said if anything that it was her own issues.

 

Gunny. I'm pretty sure that there isn't someone else. I don't think she is in the right headspace to to be with someone else.

 

She did make a close friend near the end, who is also a (single) lesbian. I was jealous, but she has repeatedly reassured me that there is nothing going on, that she is not attracted to this person in any way, shape, or form. That it would never, ever, in a million years happen. So I have to believe her. She is now living on the third floor of this friend's house, and I try not to let it bother me. I have to trust her otherwise I will go crazy.

 

I DO think that making this friend gave her some of the courage to end the relationship, because she knew she would have support...and possibly a place to live.

 

F**K. There are so many questions I want to ask her. How long had she been thinking of dumping me before she did? Had she been planning on living with this friend for awhile? Now I'm going to have a panic attack.

 

I'm telling you all this just to get if off my chest, and to be honest about the relationship, but I CANNOT go down this route. I don't want to talk anymore of her being with someone else. Otherwise I will start stalking her.

 

Now I'm really hurting.

 

Help.

 

When we spoke yesterday she told me she would leave me her car, either at the old apartment or where I'm staying now. She said she was leaving town for work this afternoon and so obviously doesn't need it this week (driving down with work people). She knows I need it to finish packing my stuff.

 

It's 7:30 now, I've checked both places and it's not there, no message or anything. I'm dying inside. Why would she do this to me? I've left her a message but if she's not leaving me the car then I wouldn't expect to hear back from her. I can't cope with this. It hurts so bad. Why is she doing this? Why is she intentionally hurting me?

 

After the whole conversation we had, about still speaking to sort out practical things, about being respectful and everything...why would she do this? The pain is unbearable. I just don't know what to do with myself now. I don't know how to get through this.

 

It must be intentional. When you tell someone that you will leave them a car, and then don't, and you know they need it, and it will hurt them, then it's intentional.

 

We just spoke Friday about maintaining contact. She said if we continued to speak, then it must be civil. I agreed. I said that it must be respectful, in that you should not ignore the other person. I explained to her that when she ignored one of my previous emails and instant message, that it hurt me. I made that clear.

 

So she knows it hurts me not to hear from her. And we just spoke last night, and she said she would leave me the car. NO hesitation about it. I TOTALLY TRUSTED HER. And my friend was just telling me today, when I was getting anxious about the car not being there yet, that my ex was not the kind of person who would do this. She told me that after 5 years, it was unlikely that my ex would just leave me high and dry like this. WELL WHO WAS RIGHT??? Me. I was right to be paranoid. Everyone telling me that I should relax, that I was jumping to conclusions, was wrong. My gut was right.

 

I don't think I will ever hear from her again. I want to leave her another message, asking how she can hurt me so much like this. But I think that would be a bad idea. I think it's over, and I just can't process this. I want to curl up in a ball and die.

 

The move back with family is likely to happen now. Funny, I had just worked out a plan with a friend to stay with her for the first month of school, to see if I could handle it. I think that plan is out the window.

 

I don't even know how I'm alive right now. My body just forces me to breathe.

 

To GUNNY and others, especially some of the husbands I have seen on here: I wish I could be strong like you, wish I could pick myself up and dust myself off. Wish I could say, "see ya" and "F YOU!", and start seeing someone new.

 

I feel so weak, like I've let everyone at LS down. Please don't be too frustrated with me.

 

Got a lame text this morning saying "sorry about the car, it's parked at [old apartment] now, I was in and out all day yesterday. Talk later, X."

 

I will be honest. I did something bad and drove by her new place last night around 11:30 pm (just down the street from our old apartment), and the car was parked there (not one of the places we had discussed leaving it). And the tv was on in her apartment. So she didn't leave town yesterday afternoon like she had told me, and didn't return my call and email from 7:30. What the hell?

 

The only thing I can say is that it wouldn't be far-fetched that they didn't end up leaving for the trip last night, for legitimate reasons. But how hard would it have been for her to call and tell me that they were still in town, that she would just leave the car the next day. HOW HARD IS THAT? I don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

I am distraught. I'm going home for a few days tomorrow.

 

Another miserable update:

 

So I sent her a long email Saturday night about stuff that needed to be taken care of still at the apartment. In the email, I also asked if we could could set up a time to meet this week, and said "please don't leave me hanging". (The last time we spoke on the phone, she told me she was free this week to meet up). The last couple times we have spoken, we have also talked about the need for her to be respectful during this time, as she knows I'm having a tough time with this all, and she knows that I'm hurt when she ignores messages.

 

So, she has had plenty of time (3 nights) to respond, and she has not. Not even "hey, got your message and will get back to you". NOTHING.

 

WHAT THE F**K? Why would an otherwise decent human being treat me like a piece of garbage during this already tough time. I have told her that it hurts to be ignored!

 

I just wanted to get these last few things cleared up. We were on speaking terms just three nights ago!! I wanted to go NC on good terms. But I am seriously tempted to leave a nasty message now. I even need something from her car, and I still have her bike...This is headed for a bad ending.

 

What am I supposed to do? Is she purposely trying to hurt me?

 

Where is the anger or the acknowledgement of what she contributed to this. It's in the posts above yet later, you can only blame yourself? There are two recurring themes that go through your entire thread!

1. She is completely innocent, walks on water, turns goat piss into coca-cola etc.

 

2. The question..."Is she trying to hurt me intentionally"

 

#1 is BS, she has nott reated you fairly or respected your feelings in the break up. There is a such thing as letting go with love where two people can seperate with a minimal amount of damage and pain. She did not choose this route. That shows a lack of respect, regardless of the fact that you still see her in such a positive light!

 

#2 the answer is YES!!! She knew full well, that not returning your calls, and not leaving the car, and not acknowledging the loss of your fish would hurt you. You cannot live with someone and not learn these things.

 

The one thing that is missing from your thread, unless I missed them, are the reasons she gave for calling it quits! Other people have asked, but the answers are vague and evasive. If she dosen't want to tell you or says she dosen't know, you have to think really hard about what that means. Thats not for me to speculate, but she was being evasive and was staying with another available, woman.

 

It's time to stop protecting her and start protecting yourself! You get to decide how long this hurts and that has a lot to do with accepting what she has done to you! She walked away! She is not acting like the person you loved right? So why chase someone who treats you like that!

YOU DESERVE BETTER

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!!

YELL AT YOU MORE TOMORROW!

KEEP POSTING!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Oh yeah, I'm in this now!!!

No Tojaz, she is certainly not on this board looking to do better!

 

To counteract all my negativity, I thought I would post a couple small positive things since the split:

 

1. I've realized that I really like driving, especially manual transmission. She did all the driving. Lisa will understand!

So Drive!

2. I enjoy using my credit card, and I even got myself a new one with rewards. I pay it off immediately, not going into debt or anything. But I'm building credit and being independent. She usually paid for everything and we just split the costs at the end of the month.

So Shop! (good idea paying it off, smart to huh)

3. I'm happy that I will get a chance to address my anger. It's always bothered me a bit, but this is giving me the boost to actually do something about it.

So Scream!

4. I've become closer to a lot of people, but especially my mom and my brother.

This is good, the more support the better. Don't forget to meet new people as well!

5. I can eat pretty normally now, and sleep, and I can even concentrate enough to read a book once in a while. And I bought a "non-breakup" book today!

Also good. When my break up started, I was a mess. Lost 50lbs. had an Ulcer didn't sleep for days. Getting back into your normal life is the first step to taking back control.

6. Now I can empathize with people going through something like this.

This was what helped me the most! Coming here, using what I learned about myself to try and help others. Read the threads, offer help where you can and support where you can't. I've seen you, keep it up! The more you share the more we share with you, and the more you learn. Thats why your here isn't it?

Lisa, I'm gonna try check out your picture...not sure how to do it, but will fiddle around with things.

 

Just click her name and select view profile, her pics are in the lower right hand corner. Quite the cutie I might add

TOJAZ

[delajoonal]

SHB....

 

dela here..i just wanted to say, that while i have been off the board for about a week..???

 

i am just now catching up with everyone...

and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you!

 

your list is amazing...you should be so proud of yourself too!

all or even just one of those things is a huge accomplishment..in this short amount of time...

 

keep up the good work...i really am sitting her smiling like a proud mama...lol

 

good job...you will get there sweetie....you are a gentle loving kind soul...

you are going to do well:D

[Gunny376]

It's time to stop protecting her and start protecting yourself! You get to decide how long this hurts and that has a lot to do with accepting what she has done to you! She walked away! She is not acting like the person you loved right? So why chase someone who treats you like that!

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER

 

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!!

 

Tojaz

 

Yea for awhile there I thought the GF was a candidate for sainthood.

 

Its like this. My children know the XHEX as their mother, and that's the filtered lens they see her through.

 

In all the years I have never said a cross word to them about their Mother, and I have never discussed any aspect of the pre-separation, separation divorce, nor post divorce with them ~ even now that they are adults.

 

And probably never will.

 

But I know the XHEX as the woman I was married to. I know what she's capable of, the lying, the cheating, the unfaithfulness, the deception, the manipulation, the lack of a moral compass.

 

SHB ~ no one and I mean no one is as perfect as the person you describe as and no is as bad a person as you've literally are trying to convince yourself and us that you were.

 

You come across here with a lot of good qualities ~ and if anything I would say that the one single flaw you had was a lack of experience when it comes to being in a LTR?

 

Welcome to the club ~

 

That fact of the matter is? We don't learn by succeeding?

 

We learn by failing!