I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

Gunny - yes, definitely a lack of experience.

 

Dela - not much to be proud of yet, but thanks.

 

Tojaz - I do need to start meeting new people soon. As for getting back into my "normal life", just not possible. I've moved cities!

 

Lisa - Tojaz is right, definitely a cutie!

[Gunny376]

Gunny - yes, definitely a lack of experience.

 

So enough already!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

[soheartbroken]

I'm getting so sick of waking up every morning and having all this hit me again. Replaying all the things she said to me ("It's been five years, I'm not gonna just stop talking to you", "We should go our own separate ways",...), realizing that she's gone and isn't speaking to me etc.

 

So depressing.

 

When will this stop? When will I have a life that does not revolve around her? Everything I do, everything I think, every choice I make, is motivated by the breakup.

 

I just wish we were on speaking terms. I just don't get why she doesn't want to speak to me. It hurts so bad.

 

Just venting, not really looking for advice.

[soheartbroken]

By the way, Tojaz.

 

I've convinced myself that she is not involved with this other woman. This other woman was her "transition" person, if you remember from "Uncoupling". The person that gives you the strength to leave your SO.

 

However, it would not surprise me if they ended up together. I should probably just make that assumption. Although my ex did said about her "Ew, ew, never in a million years, not attracted to her at all", and listed some qualities that she does not appreciate in this person.

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay so just venting? No you are totally wallowing!!! KNOCK IT OFF...Take a vacation, if it is the mornings that are so bad...get up earlier than usual and take a walk, run, bike ride, swim, shower, something other than the norm...I don't know what you like to do but you do SHB and read some of the things you have posted and the advice etc...do you want to be the person who is wallowing? You didn't make this decision she did and you can't do things for her.

[Auroracoladybug]

By the way you have more posts than me! LOL you suck!

[LisaUk]

I'm getting so sick of waking up every morning and having all this hit me again.

 

So depressing.

 

When will this stop? When will I have a life that does not revolve around her? Everything I do, everything I think, every choice I make, is motivated by the breakup.

 

I just wish we were on speaking terms. I just don't get why she doesn't want to speak to me. It hurts so bad.

 

Hi SHB

 

This moment on waking you describe, I found it started to fade away after I excepted my ex for what he was/is. Someone who was by no means perfect and actually turned into a right a hole at the end.

 

Take the fact that she won't speak to you and turn that pain to anger, you should be angry, she said she would respect you, she knows it hurts you when she ignores you, yet she still does this. Why? B/C it suits her and her desires to move on.

 

My ex did the same to me, he wanted NC b/c talking to me was too painful, it was preventing him from moving on with his life! Like I give a c**p now about his life! I said to him so many times after he left, that even after the way he treated me, we had been together 18 years and I thought it was a shame if we could not remain friends.

 

I REALLY meant that, even if it meant seeing him with someone new, that is how much I loved him, that I wanted to part of his life just as a friend and would even try and be happy for him, if and when he moved on.

 

I have different feelings now though, after what he did and the whole selfishness of it? I never want to see or speak to him again, EVER. I don't need a friend like that. The man is not even an adult.

 

Take the way she has treated you and focus on it, I know you said you think it's how people behave when you break up. It really isn't hun, for every one of us on here who has been treated like this, there is another who is not on this forum, b/c their partner left and let go with love.

 

My BBF was with a guy 7 years, they lived together, they had some problems, usual, arguments etc. He spoke to her about it calmly, serveral times, they agreed to work on it, they kept talking and reviewing the situation, even though he told her he did not love her anymore, he stayed 6 months and they TRIED.

 

When he did leave, of course she was upset, but nothing like this, b/c he tried. He made it clear first, your GF didn't tell you anything, you said so yourself, she hasn't even given you proper reaons since leaving, your guessing b/c you need closure, so you are blaming yourself.

 

This isn't about you, SHE WALKED, otherwise you would not need this board. My friends ex also called her regularly, for serveral months after the split, to ask if she was ok, did she need anything etc, h**l even his parents checked in with her! That's the differnce, that is letting go with love. Your GF did not afford you that respect, which you deserved, read all the quotes above from Tojaz, it's all there.

 

Hugs

Lisa

PS Thanks for the compliment (you too Tojaz)

[Gunny376]

Grrrrrrrr! LisaUK! :love::love:

[soheartbroken]

Okay. Will work on turning that pain into anger. I didn't realize that "good splits" actually existed.

 

Aurora, I think part of me just needs to wallow for awhile. It's going to be a long process, but I appreciate your advice. Once I figure out what I'm doing in the fall (will know by September 8th, mark your calendars!), maybe I will schedule something early in the morning to get me up.

[Auroracoladybug]

No part of you doesn't need to wallow you have done enough of that buddy...quit posting I can't catch up!!! LOL

[LisaUk]

Grrrrrrrr! LisaUK! :love::love:

 

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

SHB

 

Everyone of us is allowed ONE pity party, that's LS rules OK?! LOL Just kidding. It's normal hun, we all did it, blimey Tojaz spent hours upon hours talking me down through PM when I was beating myself up senseless (poor guy!). Once you realise you did not deserve to be treated like this, that there is a better and more thoughtful way to split with someone, you will start to feel better.

 

Now, have you decided if you are going back to school? IMO, it would be good for you to be getting on with things, being around other students etc. (I know you said you don't get on with the culture, but are there other ways of meeting students on different courses, maybe some sports clubs etc?) Focusing on your study. You said you didn't want your life to be all about this break up, so don't let it be!

 

I start Uni tomorrow Little bit scared, I will admit, is only one day induction/enrollment, then back in on 14th September for 2 week legal foundation course, term starts 26th. Oh, cripes, am nervous now!

[Gunny376]

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

Just showing you some love! Not to worry! A virtuial hug!

[LisaUk]

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

Just showing you some love! Not to worry! A virtuial hug!

 

Thanks Gunny! Big hug back at ya!

[soheartbroken]

Hey Lisa. There are pros and cons to going back in the fall. Many more cons though than pros. I'm leaning heavily toward taking time off, and possibly applying for a transfer to a different school here in the "big city" (starting a year from now). Granted, my thoughts to change day-to-day...but I have been thinking about this for awhile. I'm still not in the best position to be making major decisions, but I'm forced to.

 

I want to get into counseling and join new sports and activities. My old city is a very depressing place for me, and the thought of the law school makes me queasy, as I already disliked it there. I want to surround myself with people who love me, and avoid any unwelcome contact with "her" (Though of course I'm dying to contact her!). And there is a much bigger gay community here...not that I'll be ready to date anytime soon, it's just...comforting I guess.

 

On the downside, I will have to find lots to do to occupy my time, and it will mean putting off school and thus a career for a year. Also, moving back home for too long is a pitfall that my books warn me of...My biggest fear is running away from my problems and not healing properly. I'm anxious to discuss this with a professional. But until then, I have to make the choice that feels right for me.

 

(The other pitfalls of the newly separated if you're wondering?:

 

1. rebound relationship

2. sleeping with someone inappropriate, like a boss or co-worker

3. sleeping around

4. using work as avoidance

5. letting anger spill over into other aspects of your life

6. shutting out the world

7. carrying on like you're still married

8. getting wasted

9. excessive worrying about kids

10. moving home

 

I suppose another would be quitting your job/school! Whatever. So I might make a couple mistakes...)

[Gunny376]

Hey Lisa. There are pros and cons to going back in the fall. Many more cons though than pros. I'm leaning heavily toward taking time off, and possibly applying for a transfer to a different school here in the "big city" (starting a year from now). Granted, my thoughts to change day-to-day...but I have been thinking about this for awhile. I'm still not in the best position to be making major decisions, but I'm forced to.

 

I want to get into counseling and join new sports and activities. My old city is a very depressing place for me, and the thought of the law school makes me queasy, as I already disliked it there. I want to surround myself with people who love me, and avoid any unwelcome contact with "her" (Though of course I'm dying to contact her!). And there is a much bigger gay community here...not that I'll be ready to date anytime soon, it's just...comforting I guess.

 

On the downside, I will have to find lots to do to occupy my time, and it will mean putting off school and thus a career for a year. Also, moving back home for too long is a pitfall that my books warn me of...My biggest fear is running away from my problems and not healing properly. I'm anxious to discuss this with a professional. But until then, I have to make the choice that feels right for me.

 

(The other pitfalls of the newly separated if you're wondering?:

 

1. rebound relationship

2. sleeping with someone inappropriate, like a boss or co-worker

3. sleeping around

4. using work as avoidance

5. letting anger spill over into other aspects of your life

6. shutting out the world

7. carrying on like you're still married

8. getting wasted

9. excessive worrying about kids

10. moving home

 

I suppose another would be quitting your job/school! Whatever. So I might make a couple mistakes...)

 

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! :bunny::bunny:

 

Getting real about getting real

 

Freaking A!

 

Get some!

 

You tha' Girl!

 

Your getting stronger with each and every passing day!

 

What Fool said you were someone's fool?

 

Your on the up and up!

 

 

 

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Gunny. Your support is greatly appreciated.

 

By the way, the source for those pitfalls: On Your Own Again, by Anderson and MacSkimming. Not the best of the books that I've read, but has some insights.

[LisaUk]

Hey Lisa. There are pros and cons to going back in the fall. Many more cons though than pros. I'm leaning heavily toward taking time off, and possibly applying for a transfer to a different school here in the "big city" (starting a year from now). Granted, my thoughts to change day-to-day...but I have been thinking about this for awhile. I'm still not in the best position to be making major decisions, but I'm forced to.

 

I want to get into counseling and join new sports and activities. My old city is a very depressing place for me, and the thought of the law school makes me queasy, as I already disliked it there. I want to surround myself with people who love me, and avoid any unwelcome contact with "her" (Though of course I'm dying to contact her!). And there is a much bigger gay community here...not that I'll be ready to date anytime soon, it's just...comforting I guess.

 

On the downside, I will have to find lots to do to occupy my time, and it will mean putting off school and thus a career for a year. Also, moving back home for too long is a pitfall that my books warn me of...My biggest fear is running away from my problems and not healing properly. I'm anxious to discuss this with a professional. But until then, I have to make the choice that feels right for me.

 

(The other pitfalls of the newly separated if you're wondering?:

 

1. rebound relationship

2. sleeping with someone inappropriate, like a boss or co-worker

3. sleeping around

4. using work as avoidance

5. letting anger spill over into other aspects of your life

6. shutting out the world

7. carrying on like you're still married

8. getting wasted

9. excessive worrying about kids

10. moving home

 

I suppose another would be quitting your job/school! Whatever. So I might make a couple mistakes...)

 

Hi SHB

 

All very sensible and real concerns. I know this feeling, I had no choice, my ex pretty much put me on the street (albeit with some finiacial settlement from our house). I had to move 200 miles back to live with my parents as I had no job and no where to live. I then had to decide whether to go to uni or keep trying to find work so I could get my own place. All the advice is to avoid making life changing decisions, but sometimes you have no choice but to make them.

 

If you were unhappy at your previous school then maybe transferring is an option to look at, but you need to think about what you will do in the mean time? Can you work as a Paralegal in the US? It's relevant experience as well as being well paid, or volunteer for legal aid charity's or advice centres?

 

I think the best advice given to me when I was making the decision, by my counsellor was look at your options, which will serve you best in the long term? I would add, listen to your gut! If I had listened to my gut everytime my ex made excuses to put off getting married, I wouldn't be in the position I am now!

[tojaz]

Tojaz - I do need to start meeting new people soon. As for getting back into my "normal life", just not possible. I've moved cities!

 

Lisa - Tojaz is right, definitely a cutie!

She is adorable isn't she!!!:love:

Normal life is eating, sleeping, etc. New city, new people, new opportunities. Why live in the past!!

 

When will this stop? When will I have a life that does not revolve around her? Everything I do, everything I think, every choice I make, is motivated by the breakup.

 

Aurora, I think part of me just needs to wallow for awhile.

 

Does everyone else see the paradox here in these two quotes!! Your life will stop revolving around her, when you decide to stop wallowing! When you start making your life revolve around you! It's a hard thing to do, and we all have to do that for ourselves, I wallowed, Lisa wallowed, but every one of us had to make the decision that we didn't want to feel bad any more and start climbing out of the hole. There will be backslides and there will be pain, but if you don't start moving forward, you'll never get out. To hell with her and what she is doing, it's not your concern anymore, what are you going to do for you!!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Just venting here.

 

I think it's ridiculous that two adults, who have spent a significant amount of their adult lives together, who once loved and cared very deeply for eachother, can't even say hello to eachother (with *presumably* no cheating or violence or verbal abuse etc. going on).

 

This "no contact" business seems so F*****G juvenile. How did human beings evolve to be this way? You'd think the species would have killed itself off by now.

[tojaz]

Just venting here.

 

I think it's ridiculous that two adults, who have spent a significant amount of their adult lives together, who once loved and cared very deeply for eachother, can't even say hello to eachother (with *presumably* no cheating or violence or verbal abuse etc. going on).

 

This "no contact" business seems so F*****G juvenile. How did human beings evolve to be this way? You'd think the species would have killed itself off by now.

 

Not short term but long term, would contacting her again help you get over her or set you back? That is what NC is about! Helping you let go.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

She is adorable isn't she!!!:love:

 

 

 

:o:confused::confused: But thanks Tojaz, you guys on here really know how to boost a girls self esteem!

[LisaUk]

Just venting here.

 

I think it's ridiculous that two adults, who have spent a significant amount of their adult lives together, who once loved and cared very deeply for eachother, can't even say hello to eachother (with *presumably* no cheating or violence or verbal abuse etc. going on).

 

This "no contact" business seems so F*****G juvenile. How did human beings evolve to be this way? You'd think the species would have killed itself off by now.

 

I totally agree with you SHB. It is riduiculous. Unfortunately though it's them that are being childish and NC goes a long way to stop you from being hurt by them further. There decsision, but your benefit!

[tojaz]

:o:confused::confused: But thanks Tojaz, you guys on here really know how to boost a girls self esteem!

 

:o:confused::confused: Whats all that for? I was hoping for :D:D or maybe even :love:

besides, no esteem boost intended, your cute as hell!!

 

I totally agree with you SHB. It is riduiculous. Unfortunately though it's them that are being childish and NC goes a long way to stop you from being hurt by them further. There decsision, but your benefit!

 

Thats a much better way to put it! Thanks

[soheartbroken]

I actually think that having some contact with her would be better for me, instead of being thrown out like a piece of trash. If she got in touch with me I would know she still cared on some level, but I have no expectations of reconciliation.

 

Problem is, if I reach out, and she doesn't get back to me, then I couldn't handle the rejection. So I haven't tried to contact her. And that's how I'm trying to keep it, though it's a struggle every day.

[tojaz]

I actually think that having some contact with her would be better for me, instead of being thrown out like a piece of trash. If she got in touch with me I would know she still cared on some level, but I have no expectations of reconciliation.

 

Problem is, if I reach out, and she doesn't get back to me, then I couldn't handle the rejection. So I haven't tried to contact her. And that's how I'm trying to keep it, though it's a struggle every day.

 

While we all wish for positive contact, we seldom get it. Better to protect your heart from further hurt then be let down again. Positive contact just tends to breed false hope. just gives you farther to fall. believe me, I've done a lot of falling.

TOJAZ