I'm in so much pain, and so

[LisaUk]

I actually think that having some contact with her would be better for me, instead of being thrown out like a piece of trash. If she got in touch with me I would know she still cared on some level, but I have no expectations of reconciliation.

 

Problem is, if I reach out, and she doesn't get back to me, then I couldn't handle the rejection. So I haven't tried to contact her. And that's how I'm trying to keep it, though it's a struggle every day.

 

This is what I meant though, it's not you who is incapable of being mature, it's her and b/c she is being childish about it you will only end up hurt and rejected by her, hence NC.

 

Just one more point, why do you want to be in contact with someone who has treated you like trash? If that's how she's going to behave then you are MUCH better off without her and you will see this in time.

[soheartbroken]

I guess, Lisa, because I chalk up the "treating me like trash" to the last two weeks before we stopped talking. But there were years of treating me well to counteract that. So that's why I want to talk to her.

 

I don't think she has changed as a person - she's still the same as before. Just her feelings and behaviour toward me have changed. That's what sucks. That's what makes it so hard.

[tojaz]

I guess, Lisa, because I chalk up the "treating me like trash" to the last two weeks before we stopped talking. But there were years of treating me well to counteract that. So that's why I want to talk to her.

 

I don't think she has changed as a person - she's still the same as before. Just her feelings and behaviour toward me have changed. That's what sucks. That's what makes it so hard.

 

Being exposed to those feelings will make it even harder though. Checkout my thread "The rest of My Story" I went through a lot of the same feelings as you are, all it did was prolong the healing process and continue the backslides. The happy coincidence of NC is occasionally showing you don't need her is exactly what reminds them of how good they had it. Yet that should not be your intention, do it for you!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

 

I don't think she has changed as a person - she's still the same as before. Just her feelings and behaviour toward me have changed. That's what sucks. That's what makes it so hard.

 

Exactly, she didn't change as a person, that means she was always capable of treating someone she once loved and spent five years with like trash! There's no excuse for that. She didn't do it before b/c it suited her not to, now it does, this is the "real" her if you like. True colors and all that!

[soheartbroken]

Will start reading through your thread tonight Tojaz.

 

So, I think it will be official on Friday. I'm taking time off from school. It's going to be a long, hard, depressing year of trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I'm starting to think that law school just isn't for me.

 

Now I'll just go discuss this life transition with my supportive and loving partner...oh wait, she's not there anymore (This is the best attempt I can make at humour right now).

[soheartbroken]

Serious question that I hope a few of you can help with.

 

I really need to get into some kind of therapy to deal with past and present issues. Has anyone been to a psychotherapist? What's the difference between a psychotherapist and just a psychologist (you'd think I know with my psyc degree)? I think I need more than a conselor. The guy I'm looking into is a psychotherapist and charges only $90 an hour (Canadian, so like $85 US). This sounds way too cheap.

 

Any suggestions?

[Surfer Girl]

I think that is what makes it so hard.... when things happen that we are so used to talking with SO about and then we think Oh.... the person I most want to talk to about doesn't care anymore.... makes it that much more of a realization that what I most wanted to talk about to him.... He isn't there to talk about to..... something we used to somewhat take for granted and it isn't there anymore.... that hurts me...

[Chrome Barracuda]

You got to stop being the little puppy that returns to it's master who gets constantly kicked in the face. Seriously she's a woman, just like you, you need to stop with this obsession with her. Your driving yourself insane!

 

I know your ego has taken a beating and all your hopes and dreams have been dashed but seriously what do you hope to accomplish by staying stagnant in your life because of this bitch?

 

Seriously have i read anyone who has wanted to be hurt, or abused more than you.

 

I'm trying to understand why do you even consider trying with this woman when she has blasted your heart into a million pieces. Stay NC! this woman isnt worth your time. The more you dwell and contact the more you'll never move on. and if you dont move on how will you ever have a better relationship with someone else in the long run? WTF you can DO BETTER!!!

[soheartbroken]

Well Tojaz, I'm about half-way through "The Rest of My Story", and there are many similarities. This stuck out to me the most:

 

With all the other "storms of life" I had been facing before this happened, the love of my wife was the one constant in an otherwise dreary existence i was fighting my way through. Losing that broke me temporarily. I know I will be stronger at the other side, but she was my strength when I was weak, and now losing that support has crippled me in an already vulnerable time. I will heal, but it looks like a long hard road.

 

This is how I feel. I had a miserable year at law school, and the only constant thing to make me happy was her. Then she left me when I was most vulnerable.

 

You must be able to understand how much I want to hear from her. You talk a lot in your post about desperately wanting to hear something from her, especially during the rough patch when your friend passed away. Well, I'm going through a very rough patch as well, and I just want the comfort of her voice, something you alluded to many times in your post.

 

There are just so many similarities...calling the OM a symptom rather than the cause (exactly how I would feel about an OW if there was one). Blaming yourself, speaking highly of the old-her. Wanting to see her but not wanting to. Feeling so rejected when she texted instead of calling, because it reinforced that she just didn't want to speak to you or see you due to the transportability factor. Driving by her house and noticing that the car wasn't there at 6:30 in the morning. Oh ya, and the fact that you were always the one to bring up problems, while she was not very emotional. I don't think my gf ever asked me to sit down and talk about the relationship...but maybe the problems just creeped up on her.

 

The difference between you and me is that you seem to be a positive guy. I'm a negative person, a pessimist, and that gets me into trouble. Something I'll have to address I suppose.

[soheartbroken]

I think that is what makes it so hard.... when things happen that we are so used to talking with SO about and then we think Oh.... the person I most want to talk to about doesn't care anymore.... makes it that much more of a realization that what I most wanted to talk about to him.... He isn't there to talk about to..... something we used to somewhat take for granted and it isn't there anymore.... that hurts me...

 

Thanks for your understanding SurferGirl.

[soheartbroken]

You got to stop being the little puppy that returns to it's master who gets constantly kicked in the face. Seriously she's a woman, just like you, you need to stop with this obsession with her. Your driving yourself insane!

 

I know your ego has taken a beating and all your hopes and dreams have been dashed but seriously what do you hope to accomplish by staying stagnant in your life because of this bitch?

 

Seriously have i read anyone who has wanted to be hurt, or abused more than you.

 

I'm trying to understand why do you even consider trying with this woman when she has blasted your heart into a million pieces. Stay NC! this woman isnt worth your time. The more you dwell and contact the more you'll never move on. and if you dont move on how will you ever have a better relationship with someone else in the long run? WTF you can DO BETTER!!!

 

Chrome, thanks for your post. Unfortunately, it's not that easy to end my obsession with her. If I could, believe me, I would. And I haven't contacted her since we went NC. I don't want to be stagnant in my life (that was a good way of putting it), but I think I have to take this time off from school. It was not a happy place, and would only compound my misery I think. Maybe I'll regret it, but hopefully not.

 

Fellow LSers: it's coming to my realization that I might be wearing you guys down. It's just that LS is where I come to post during some of my darkest hours (believe it or not, when I'm most down I don't even bother posting because I'm too much of a wreck).

 

I know. I'm weak. I'm negative. I'm a tough case. Please try remain patient.

[Gunny376]

Do not idealize others, they will not and cannot live up to your expectations.

 

I believe IMHO that's part of what your doing here. We all do it, or have done it SHB.

 

Your not a pessimist ~ your a 'worrier' and I agree you should speak with a professional to learn how to not be one.

 

Ninety percent of the things we worry about? We forget about in a weeks time (only to find something new to worry about.)

 

Its very hard to learn not to be one, but it can be done. (I've got it down to the point to where I don't care if the Sun doesn't shine! )

 

Any and all relationships have three distinct parts ~ a beginning, a middle and an end.

 

And its really only a question of time before they all come to and end. Somehow, way, shape, form or fashion.................................

[Chrome Barracuda]

we just want you to rebuild your life on your own terms. brick by brick, piece by piece...

 

Only you can reclaim your life. We want you to embrace those tools and rebuild. Getting out of limbo should be your first priority. I dont know but maybe it's a woman thing and it's taking long for you to come down because emotionally your still twisted off her.

[Gunny376]

we just want you to rebuild your life on your own terms. brick by brick, piece by piece...

 

Only you can reclaim your life. We want you to embrace those tools and rebuild. Getting out of limbo should be your first priority. I don't know but maybe it's a woman thing and it's taking long for you to come down because emotionally your still twisted off her.

 

Agreed!

 

But usually its us guys that go stumbling and fumbling into the liquor store saying "Just give me two fifths of anything! I really don't care!"

[LisaUk]

 

Fellow LSers: it's coming to my realization that I might be wearing you guys down. It's just that LS is where I come to post during some of my darkest hours (believe it or not, when I'm most down I don't even bother posting because I'm too much of a wreck).

 

I know. I'm weak. I'm negative. I'm a tough case. Please try remain patient.

 

It's still early days SHB, honestly the way you describe you are feeling in response to Tojaz's thread, was exactly how I felt a few months back. We aren't getting worn down with you, never think that, we're hear to listen.

 

Re the difference between a Psychotherapist and a Psychologist, a Psychotherapist is a counsellor (same thing) a Psychologist if they are charterted (so clinical, educational, forensic etc) are highly trained and regulated, they tend to do research as well. They are basically the same as a Psychiatrist but without the medical training, so can't perscribe meds, that's the only difference. If you go for a counsellor, make sure they are properly trained and qualified (certainly in the UK there are a lot of bogus counsellors, I discovered my ex is seeing one, explains a lot! LOL). If you go for a Clinical Psychologist, you will know they are trained, it is a very difficult profession to enter, I know b/c it is what I always wanted to do after uni.

[tojaz]

:SHB

The best post I have on my thread is the only one I gave a title. "Chasing Ghosts" that is what this all boils down to for each and every one of us. We yearn for what we had or what we hoped would be rather then accepting what is. I was where you are, and still get sad a lot, I won't lie. I still miss her and hate waking up alone.

 

In going through this i learned a lot about myself and our relationship though. Things that had lacked from the start that I never realized had been missing. It took someone else to open my eyes to that.

 

I found a woman that I could have a true emotional connection that I never knew was possible. That I was never able to have with my wife because she had never been willing to give herself fully to me in that way. There was a level of intimacy and love etc. but that line where the two can melt into one mind was never there for her. It took seeing that in another to open my eyes to what I truly needed in my life. Someone who was willing to share theirs, true intimacy. Not just in the bedroom but in all things. This never turned into a true relationship, mind you. Just someone I had a deep emotional bond with that was able to teach me so much. I hope someday when I am ready, and prepared to truly love again, I can find that. :love:

 

The point of me sharing that is, someday you are going to move on from this and find something that had been lacking in the relationship that you desperately need in your life. You will find it and live a happier more fulfilling life for it. Thats where to find your positive outlook. I spent so long pining for the past it took one amazing person to open my eyes to the future.

 

Your not wearing us down, this is what LS is all about, we shore each other up!!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Thanks so much Tojaz. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that I will fall in love again. I finished reading your old thread (Rest of my Story).

 

I don't even know why I bother writing my own posts. I can just copy and paste from yours. This is how I'm feeling lately:

 

Greetings from rock bottom. I just don't think I can feel any worse. Every inch of me is in pain. Pain overlosing her, pain over losing my security, pain over losing myself. I can only think of how respectful I've tried to be through all of this. Tried to do the right things, even if that meant letting go. All I got in return was pain. How can someone love you for so long and then do this. Even if she has to go, why cause so much damage along the way? It isn't enough she has to leave me, she has to crush the life out of me too!

 

That's about where I'm at. Sorry if re-reading your old posts is painful. That's the last one I will use.

 

Called and scheduled and initial interview with a therapist today.

[LisaUk]

Thanks so much Tojaz. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that I will fall in love again. I finished reading your old thread (Rest of my Story).

 

I don't even know why I bother writing my own posts. I can just copy and paste from yours. This is how I'm feeling lately:

 

Greetings from rock bottom. I just don't think I can feel any worse. Every inch of me is in pain. Pain overlosing her, pain over losing my security, pain over losing myself. I can only think of how respectful I've tried to be through all of this. Tried to do the right things, even if that meant letting go. All I got in return was pain. How can someone love you for so long and then do this. Even if she has to go, why cause so much damage along the way? It isn't enough she has to leave me, she has to crush the life out of me too!

 

That's about where I'm at. Sorry if re-reading your old posts is painful. That's the last one I will use.

 

Called and scheduled and initial interview with a therapist today.

 

Hi SHB, but you see from Tojaz's posts then and now the difference right? What I mean is you feel terrible now, but it isn't going to last forever, I promise, it feels like it will never get easier, but it does! We all felt this way, one day at a time, you will get there.

 

On a personal note, HOW MUCH B*****Y READING DO I HAVE TO DO FOR THIS LAW DEGREE???????????????????????????????????? It's only week one *sigh* LOL

[Auroracoladybug]

SHB I think that we all need to go thru and re-read our posts once in a while...Like Lisa said you can see the difference from then to now better...

 

Lisa...it will never end!!!! LOL the great thing about law is you always have to keep reading to back yourself up

[LisaUk]

SHB I think that we all need to go thru and re-read our posts once in a while...Like Lisa said you can see the difference from then to now better...

 

Lisa...it will never end!!!! LOL the great thing about law is you always have to keep reading to back yourself up

 

Yes, Ladybug is right, there is a difference now to when you first arrived at LS, you might not be able to see it, but we can!

 

Oh I know Ladybug, my tutor describes it al the ability to become a life long learner, as the law is a constantly evloving organism. I was just saying, having a moan, tongue in cheek, b/c SHB was/is doing law.

[Auroracoladybug]

Lisa totally understand you and SHB...I have a degree in history with a minor in political science

[soheartbroken]

Hmm, I don't really feel any better from when I first started posting. Much more fear now that I'm taking a year off and don't know where to go from here, and lots of regrets currently.

 

There is so much reading. Some people don't do it all. Eventually you will probably learn to skim the passages. The Old English stuff is super painful.

 

Do you have a labtop? I started by taking notes by hand but soon realized that a computer was faster.

[LisaUk]

Hmm, I don't really feel any better from when I first started posting. Much more fear now that I'm taking a year off and don't know where to go from here, and lots of regrets currently.

 

There is so much reading. Some people don't do it all. Eventually you will probably learn to skim the passages. The Old English stuff is super painful.

 

Do you have a labtop? I started by taking notes by hand but soon realized that a computer was faster.

 

I understand your fear SHB, I to did not know what I was going to do with my life. I was all set to be a housewife, I lost my home as well. It's tough, very tough, but something will come along that will help you find the right path, of that I am sure.

 

For me applying for law, although I had always thought about it whilst at highschool (I used to watch Rumpole!), it was more b/c of how good and helpful I found my lawyer to be during my seperation agreement, that started me thinking about it again. Psychology is my first love, but law is still helping people in times of distress, particularly in Family, Employment or Criminal and maybe I can work for a charity in time.

 

Bearing in mind I also applied for many, many jobs as well and should have applied for the Graduate Diploma last Feb (I applied July/August), when I got offered the place it just seemed like it had fallen into place for me?! Well, I hope it turns out to be so!

 

The same will happen for you I am sure, Gallon told me the story of how he became a Historical Researcher on my thread if you want to check it out. Call it Angels, call it fate, something will put you on the right path to a happier future.

 

I do have a laptop and have been looking at the Smartpens (google it, amazing!), but I have to check that all my professors do not object to being recorded, some do! I used to be able to proof (skim) read well when I was at uni before, it is a skill I will have to work very hard on remembering! LOL

[tojaz]

Thanks so much Tojaz. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that I will fall in love again. I finished reading your old thread (Rest of my Story).

 

I don't even know why I bother writing my own posts. I can just copy and paste from yours. This is how I'm feeling lately:

 

Greetings from rock bottom. I just don't think I can feel any worse. Every inch of me is in pain. Pain overlosing her, pain over losing my security, pain over losing myself. I can only think of how respectful I've tried to be through all of this. Tried to do the right things, even if that meant letting go. All I got in return was pain. How can someone love you for so long and then do this. Even if she has to go, why cause so much damage along the way? It isn't enough she has to leave me, she has to crush the life out of me too!

 

That's about where I'm at. Sorry if re-reading your old posts is painful. That's the last one I will use.

 

Called and scheduled and initial interview with a therapist today.

 

SHB,

Use as many of my posts as you like if it helps. I feel no pain in reading them like i did when they where written. It helps me to tell where your at. Keep in mind that healing is a process. You have been here a month where I have been here 5 and quite a few have been here longer then that, some years! Notice how deep those threads are burried now? When those posts where written? I've written other threads since then, as my emotional state shifted, I did not need those anymore. Does that mean I'm healed? NO! but I'm finding the tools I need to do that, learning about myself and relationships. Thats where a thousand odd posts comes from! Rock bottom hurts, but there is a strange comfort in the fact that there is nowhere to go from there but up. If you stick with LS, you will find people who are where you were and people who are where you want to be. Thats how you learn and how we all evolve out of this. I was with Lisa at her low points and she was with me when I sank to my lowest point. I watched Lupa and MayI go through what I had been through and tried to help. If you click my name and go to my profile, under statistics you can see all my threads. I look back a lot to see how far I've come and check in on some of the people I think I have helped, like Vangel http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/. A thread that touched me in a very personal way. Someday, I'll be digging to the bottom for your thread, because you will have moved on.

Big hug for you today SHB!!!

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

I'm military and doubt that you can relate since your not?

 

But sometimes you've just got to reach way down in and pull yourself up by your boot strings.

 

You get so low, that your boot strings are all you've got?

 

You go through things, experience things, live through things?

 

You don't so much learn how to deal with them? As you learn how to live with them?

 

Its like dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go and people telling you "You know! Your dragging a dead horse and saddle around everywhere you go!"

 

Yea! I know!

 

Mine was Beirut

 

I've been dragging this dead horse and saddle around for years and years!

 

Could of, should of, would of, had of?