LisaUk Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Hi SHB Haven't seen you for a bit, hope you are doing OK? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for checking in Lisa. I went back to my old city yesterday. Filled out the paperwork to take an academic stop-out and submitted it. Saw a school counselor and felt worse. Then saw my doctor and felt a bit better temporarily. She asked if I had considered anti-depressants, and I said yes but declined. Not quite ready for that yet. Also found out that I will lose my drug insurance that the school provided. I'm on meds (not anti-depressants) that will now cost me around $200-300 a month. After I ran all my errands a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go up to her camping trailer. I was quite terrified to spend the night at some strange place, with no wireless internet, and I almost turned her down, but changed my mind and gave it a shot. It went okay. Didn't take my mind off of anything, but got me out of the house so to speak. Still woke up this morning in an awful emotional state, but I'm glad I went. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 The more you get out of the house the more you don't think about it.... Like everyone says "Fake it till you make it"....It is a big step just getting out of the house and the more you do the more you will not think about it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for checking in Lisa. I went back to my old city yesterday. Filled out the paperwork to take an academic stop-out and submitted it. Saw a school counselor and felt worse. Then saw my doctor and felt a bit better temporarily. She asked if I had considered anti-depressants, and I said yes but declined. Not quite ready for that yet. Also found out that I will lose my drug insurance that the school provided. I'm on meds (not anti-depressants) that will now cost me around $200-300 a month. After I ran all my errands a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go up to her camping trailer. I was quite terrified to spend the night at some strange place, with no wireless internet, and I almost turned her down, but changed my mind and gave it a shot. It went okay. Didn't take my mind off of anything, but got me out of the house so to speak. Still woke up this morning in an awful emotional state, but I'm glad I went. While it dosen't seem like it, that all is a big step in the right direction, you should be proud. Keep it going!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for checking in Lisa. I went back to my old city yesterday. Filled out the paperwork to take an academic stop-out and submitted it. Saw a school counselor and felt worse. Then saw my doctor and felt a bit better temporarily. She asked if I had considered anti-depressants, and I said yes but declined. Not quite ready for that yet. Also found out that I will lose my drug insurance that the school provided. I'm on meds (not anti-depressants) that will now cost me around $200-300 a month. After I ran all my errands a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go up to her camping trailer. I was quite terrified to spend the night at some strange place, with no wireless internet, and I almost turned her down, but changed my mind and gave it a shot. It went okay. Didn't take my mind off of anything, but got me out of the house so to speak. Still woke up this morning in an awful emotional state, but I'm glad I went. Your doing well SHB. look at all the things you achieved yesterday, paperwork, counsellor, doctors, then going somewhere new with no access to LS!!!!!! You didn't really want to go but you did and that's good, you made it through something you were uncertain and worried about, that is an achievment. Re anti-depresants, you could try St.John's Wort, it's herbal, many docs in the UK recommend it as it really does have anti depressant properties. You can get it in a health food store. Just a warning (not for you SHB, this doesn't apply, but for any women reading that are hetrosexual), it DOES affect the birth control pill, so you need to take extra contraceptive precautions if you take it. I wish you had PM SHB, I could really do with your help finding some points of law for a presentation I have to give, but I can't discuss that with you on the board. Won't be long now before you get it anyway, I shouldn't think! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 With 195 posts she should have PM capabilities ~ she just needs to turn it on. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Took me awhile, (its been so long) but I posted in Lisa's thread about how to do so. (PM'ing that is) If you run into any 'bugs'? Let me know ~ just PM me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks Gunny. I think it's all enabled now. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Sorry I couldn't answer your PM's yesterday SHB. How you doing? Give us an update! You seem a lot stronger in your posts on other threads! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 I had a decent day yesterday Tojaz, thanks for asking. It took a lot of positive thinking and distraction though. I know the crash will be big, and in fact this morning is pretty crummy. It just hits you like a tonne of bricks sometimes, you know? That you'll never be with that person again, and you start to think about all the things you'll never get to do with them. And I don't really have good closure, and she may be with someone else now as you know... To sum it up, just riding the roller coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Sure, the rollercoaster rolls on, but in reading what you write your looking towards the next hill rather then fearing the drop. You understand what your feeling and can anticipate whats to come and are preparing for it. Your getting stronger everyday!! Seen a lot of solid advice from you on other threads as well!! Good for you SHB!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hi SHB Think it was b/c of me that Tojaz was unable to reply yesterday, I'm sorry. I'm glad you had a fairly positive day, although the bad ones will come, the good ones will become more and more with time. I too can hear you getting stronger each day. You made the decision on school, which took strength and courage, just continue on that vain and all will become clear with your future. I know it's hard when you think about how things might have been. My ex wanted to go to Tokoyo and the Maldives at some point. It was difficult for me to travel due to my panic attacks, but I was getting better and back on my feet when he left. I had just suggested a holiday the week before he left, after he went all I could think about was how I wished I had gone on those trips with him before, b/c now I will never get to. As time has gone on, those thoughts have become less, now I have new goals and new dreams. I hope to make it out to the US one day, I have a good friend and an open invite, who lives in Michigan (she was on exchange at uni when I was an undergrad) and who knows, maybe I will get to meet some of the wonderful LSers who have helped me out so much. What I'm trying to convey is that those hopes and dreams you had for your life with your GF will be replaced with new hopes and dreams that will be just as wonderful, if not better. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 :bunny::pyea! lisa is back! giving fabulous advice and just moving along fine today:D SHB...i too noticed more strength in your posts lately...good for you!! tojaz...you are right here too...a wee bit tired maybe... but ALL worth it right... just look at our friend today...no stopping her now:D ok....sounds like everyone is ON track today..so far...so now i have to peel myself off this chair and go do what i said i was going to do..LOL right lis??....LOL.... one step at a time..i will be out that door in no time... after 5 days...ack...im not really looking forward to IT..but i know once i get out there i will be happy i did it...and it will pass time too... ok, so before i go on rambling about ME/myselfand I..again..LOL.. i will say see you all later...have FABULOUS DAY:love: Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 :bunny::pyea! lisa is back! giving fabulous advice and just moving along fine today:D SHB...i too noticed more strength in your posts lately...good for you!! tojaz...you are right here too...a wee bit tired maybe... but ALL worth it right... Worth every bit!!!! just look at our friend today...no stopping her now:D ok....sounds like everyone is ON track today..so far...so now i have to peel myself off this chair and go do what i said i was going to do..LOL right lis??....LOL.... one step at a time..i will be out that door in no time... after 5 days...ack...im not really looking forward to IT..but i know once i get out there i will be happy i did it...and it will pass time too... ok, so before i go on rambling about ME/myselfand I..again..LOL.. i will say see you all later...have FABULOUS DAY:love: Yes Dela, go out and have a fabulous day and comeback and tell us all about it! I'll be very disappointed if you don't. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 UPDATE Just updating my thread. Sorry if it's a bit long. I've had a couple decent days. I still get that stabbed-in-the-heart feeling multiple times a day, always in the morning, and sometimes right in the middle of conversations, even at the dinner table! I'm trying to do small things to keep busy. I signed up for a CPR course this weekend, and have two initial interviews with therapists tomorrow, and one on Friday. I also have an appointment at a volunteer centre to see if they can find a good match for my skills. Ideally I would find something really rewarding, but I may just end up working at a food bank or something, but I would be okay with that. I also emailed the law professor I was doing research for in the summer to ask if he might have some work here and there for me to do. I suppose it's a long shot, and I'm not holding my breath. If I get it it will be some nice extra cash, with very flexible hours, and will allow me a lot of flexibility with volunteering and part-time work and sports. If I don't get it, at least I will get a major break from law school (it reminds me of my old life), and the research wasn't that interesting. So I will try to take it as a positive either way. I also started journaling. There is something cathartic about it that you don't get from typing. Up until now I couldn't bring myself to do it because it would have been too painful. Anyway, I know all these little things don't really replace what I probably need - to live by myself, with myself, and to be in school. And this stresses me out. But maybe I will start to miss school or something and feel like going back? I don't know, sometimes I think about law school and want to throw up... So, I know I'm going to crash from these couple days, and crash hard. It just feels like there is SO MUCH UNTAPPED SADNESS in me, so many, many more memories that I have yet to experience, that my mind seems to be repressing to protect me. Anyone know what I mean? My head is still dealing with denial. And I comfort myself by thinking that we may speak again in the future and be friends. I don't think I've given up all hope yet. The full force of the breakup has just escaped me these last few days. And I still struggle with the fact that she is probably happy without me, relieved to be away from me, and experiencing NONE of what I'm going through. It just seems so unfair. And I have to deal daily with not knowing if she left me to be with this other woman. I've decided that I don't want to know, but not knowing makes it hard to tap into my anger (I'm definitely not at that stage yet). But it would hurt me more to find out that she's with someone... And I'm still dealing with a lot of regret. I wish she had just pointed out my behaviour so that I could have changed. But she didn't blame me for anything. Very confusing, makes me feel like I have no closure. I know I can be a better person now, but I don't feel like I'll ever trust again, or love anyone again so deeply, or find anyone as good. So I feel like I f***** up with the best I'll ever have. And that's a really scary thought. So cliched, I know. Are these days of not feeling overwhelmed part of healing, even when you know there is so much bubbling beneath the surface? That's a good way to explain it...there is something bubbling beneath the surface that is waiting to explode... Well, I'm sure you'll hear more from me when I emerge from my cave of denial. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Bubbling below the surface, is the anger you deserve to be feeling about what she has done. Welcome it! You should be mad, she abandoned you! It's all part of the process. Recognizing that your on a high that you could backslide from is also a very good sign! Just keep doing the small things that make you happy,school and the rest of the world will be there waiting when you're ready! I'm in a pretty good place right now, but I still hide out here a lot. It takes time. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Hi SHB A lot of your update sounds really positive. Arranging counselling and looking for work, both paid and voluntary, that is a fantastic positive step in the right direction. You're doing everything you can to get yourself through this, one day at a time and the rest will sort itself out as you get stronger. What is bubbling beneath? Anger. That is what is bubbling beneath and you should get angry, your GF abodaned you without expalnation. It kills me to here you blaming yourself and beating yourself up for the actions of another person. Like you have said yourself, she didn't give you any reasons for leaving so you have no closure. You say if only she had pointed out your behaviour? Yet, you do not know that it was anything to do with what you did or didn't do! Even if it was b/c of anything you did (which I doubt), she didn't give you a chance to work on anything before leaving, would you do that to someone you had loved for 5 years? My ex did this to me after 18 years! I would never do this to someone, that is what commitment is, remembering how you felt and why you loved someone and working on things, giving that person a chance, before you throw it all away. She did not afford you that respect. You should be angry about that. You deserve better than to be treated so poorly. I know you are trying to anticipate the backslides, but you don't know for sure you will have them. Try and stay positive, one day at a time and deal with it, IF and when it happens. You're doing great SHB, you'll soon be getting out and about more and as you fill your time you will find it easier and easier to cope. Here is an LS appaluse for you, you deserve it :bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Actually, what may be below the surface is an intense desire to contact her. It's been three weeks since we last spoke. I want her to know how much she has hurt me, how she has destroyed me, and how much I regret my behaviour. She probably has no idea what this has done to me. And I want to tell her that I'm pissed she said "it's been 5 years, I'm not just gonna stop talking to you". YA F@*&%$G RIGHT! Lately I'll be walking down the street, on a beautiful day, with lots of people around, but I just want to scream, throw up, or curl up into a ball and cry for all that I have lost. I know I shouldn't say this, but sometimes I'm envious of couples with children who are divorcing, because at least they have reason to stay in contact. I feel so utterly abandoned. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 SHB...I don't know what would be easier with or without children...I hate the fact that my son is going thru this 10X more than me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh ya. I'm not saying having children makes it any easier. In fact, I'm sure it's worse when children are involved, especially because they suffer too, and none of it is their fault. It's just that I'm so hurt that she's not speaking to me that I wish there was some reason we were forced to stay in contact. That's desperation speaking, not reason. So to clarify, I don't think it's better when children are involved! And I hope I didn't offend anyone (hence, "I know I shouldn't say this"). Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Today would have been our 5 year anniversary. Trying not to think about it too much. But I wonder if she even remembers? Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Ugh, my 5 year anniversary was in July, I asked my husband to come to ou house so I could talk to him and he punched 3 holes in our walls, threw a chair, then stormed out of the house and sped up the st in his truck! Happy 5 Year Anniversary to you to babe! My husband remembered it was our Anniversary but didn't care! He's so far gone and has morphed into something I hate...just keep remembering that what you loved no longer exists! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks for responding broken hearted. By the way, I've been reading your thread, and saw your family pics. You looked so happy, and your family is beautiful by the way. I just don't understand why this happens, how people change so drastically and fall out of love. There is just so much pain to go around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soheartbroken Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Here is a positive post. For the first time today, I have been excited about my future, thinking that I might want to go back to school in the winter. So strange... Knock on wood. I'm sure I'll crash from this, but it's been an interesting day. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Ugh, my 5 year anniversary was in July, I asked my husband to come to ou house so I could talk to him and he punched 3 holes in our walls, threw a chair, then stormed out of the house and sped up the st in his truck! Happy 5 Year Anniversary to you to babe! My husband remembered it was our Anniversary but didn't care! He's so far gone and has morphed into something I hate...just keep remembering that what you loved no longer exists! and it never will again. just remember that. if it's anything like my predicament, the stbx has gone way too far for us to ever get anything back. Link to post Share on other sites
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