I'm in so much pain, and so

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

Only just caught up on your thread, b/c I have had my head in law textbooks all day, which it sounds like you will be joining me in come Jan?!

 

Anniversary. Mine and the ex's 18 year anniversary was about two weeks after he left. He called me up and had a major go at me over some legal stuff, until I pointed out to him in no uncertain terms that was what an ********* he is!

 

I don't know where are exes go? Is there like some mother ship that comes down, like in invasion of the body snatches? I'm starting to think this may well be THE logical explanation! Doesn't the US have the highest divorce rate and also the highest reports of UFO abduction???? Hhhmmmm

Then again, maybe I just made that up! ;)

[tojaz]

Today would have been our 5 year anniversary. Trying not to think about it too much. But I wonder if she even remembers?

 

Ugh, my 5 year anniversary was in July, I asked my husband to come to ou house so I could talk to him and he punched 3 holes in our walls, threw a chair, then stormed out of the house and sped up the st in his truck! Happy 5 Year Anniversary to you to babe! My husband remembered it was our Anniversary but didn't care! He's so far gone and has morphed into something I hate...just keep remembering that what you loved no longer exists!

 

Anniversary. Mine and the ex's 18 year anniversary was about two weeks after he left. He called me up and had a major go at me over some legal stuff, until I pointed out to him in no uncertain terms that was what an ********* he is!

 

My anniversary was Sept 5. I spent it here with you fine ladies. Not too shabby!

 

These days are going to hurt for awhile. Yet each one is a new anniversary. I survived! I backslid big time over the anniversary and all that has gone on, but I survived that and I'll survive the next one, and the one after that. Eventually it will just be another day.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

and it never will again. just remember that. if it's anything like my predicament, the stbx has gone way too far for us to ever get anything back.

 

MayI, with my ex, it just doesn't seem like she changed that much, only that she had enough with the relationship. So I'm not at the point (yet) where I can say that she is too far away to get anything back...don't know if that makes sense.

 

But I could be saying this because we're in complete NC, so I don't get to see any changes in her, and I don't know if she left me for someone else.

 

But I think you're bang on in many situations, and it's really sad when people change so much that you just can't recognize them anymore.

[soheartbroken]

So I did my First Aid/CPR course today. Thought it would be a good distraction, but I felt quite rotten. Had a really hard time concentrating, found my mind wandering, was really sad and anxious. Part of why I didn't go back to school right away!

 

Started to really stress about whether school would be feasible in January, given that I couldn't concentrate in the CPR class.

 

Also had a huge blowup with my dad the other night about not going back this September...ended on an awful note, and has added to the pressure on me.

 

But I feel slightly better tonight, just gonna take things a day at a time, see how it goes. Still holding out hope for January.

 

Sometimes I don't know if the stress is killing me more (what have I done deferring school!), or the grieving.

[Chrome Barracuda]

school sounds like a good look...

 

Why are you focused on the anniversary, it's time to think of yourself, put yourself first. I know your nostalgic and everything but when do you live for you???

[soheartbroken]

Oh ya. And I had TWO extremely VIVID dreams about the ex last night. Very disturbing, and might partly explain my rotten day.

 

Sometimes I think I'm starting to forget about her; her voice, her face. But I'm not ready to forget yet. Strangely, I want to hang on to those memories. Guess that's just where I'm at right now.

[soheartbroken]

school sounds like a good look...

 

Why are you focused on the anniversary, it's time to think of yourself, put yourself first. I know your nostalgic and everything but when do you live for you???

 

I'm trying to now Chrome, I really am. I'm signing up for four or five activities that I want to get into, and will hopefully start some volunteering soon (which is about keeping ME busy). These next few months that I'm not in school are going to be about me as much as possible, and hopefully I will be back on my feet for school in the winter (I can't believe I'm saying this!).

 

In a strange way, taking time off school was all about myself. I know everyone wanted me to go back, but I had to do what felt right for me, and I did it. So now I'm trying to make the best of it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm trying to now Chrome, I really am. I'm signing up for four or five activities that I want to get into, and will hopefully start some volunteering soon (which is about keeping ME busy). These next few months that I'm not in school are going to be about me as much as possible, and hopefully I will be back on my feet for school in the winter (I can't believe I'm saying this!).

 

In a strange way, taking time off school was all about myself. I know everyone wanted me to go back, but I had to do what felt right for me, and I did it. So now I'm trying to make the best of it.

 

good.

 

the more you stay busy and focus on your future, it will become better. soon your not even gonna remember her.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB,

 

But I could be saying this because we're in complete NC, so I don't get to see any changes in her, and I don't know if she left me for someone else.

 

The one massive change in her SHB is the way she treated you when she broke up with you. She was not respectful to what the two of you had shared, would the women you love have treated you the way she did in the end? I never thought my ex would jilt me, but he did! Like I have said before, there ARE ways for the leaver to let go with love, your GF did not treat you right in the end.

 

So I did my First Aid/CPR course today. Thought it would be a good distraction, but I felt quite rotten. Had a really hard time concentrating, found my mind wandering, was really sad and anxious. Part of why I didn't go back to school right away!

 

Started to really stress about whether school would be feasible in January, given that I couldn't concentrate in the CPR class.

 

For the first 5 months I could not concentrate either, I haven't watched TV or read a novel in 6 months , I could not concentrate, my mind would wonder to him. However, now I have started studying this is improving. I think partly just due to time and the shock and pain subsiding and partly b/c I know I have to look to my future and get stuck in, it's too important to be allowing my mind to wonder to him, if that makes sense.

 

Also had a huge blowup with my dad the other night about not going back this September...ended on an awful note, and has added to the pressure on me.

I know it's hard when you fall out with a parent, just know that this is YOUR life and you need to do what is right for you. Listen to your parents, b/c they have your best interests at heart, of course, but ultimately you must live your life for you, not someone else. That is the only way you will be happy.

 

But I feel slightly better tonight, just gonna take things a day at a time, see how it goes. Still holding out hope for January.

If you are hoping you will be OK for school, I think that says a lot about how much you do want to go back?

 

Sometimes I don't know if the stress is killing me more (what have I done deferring school!), or the grieving.

Feels like everything is on top of you at once and when you are grieving your not on top form. Don't be hard on your self, think about what you would say to a friend who was going through this, wouldn't you be understanding of them? So, be kind and understanding to yourself.

 

Oh ya. And I had TWO extremely VIVID dreams about the ex last night. Very disturbing, and might partly explain my rotten day.

I think so, your minds way of dealing with it all.

 

Sometimes I think I'm starting to forget about her; her voice, her face. But I'm not ready to forget yet. Strangely, I want to hang on to those memories. Guess that's just where I'm at right now.

You can hang on to those memories, you should, they meant a lot to you and she was a huge part of your life. I know what you mean, it feels too painful right now to think about them, in time this will change for both of us I am sure and we will be able to look back and smile.

[ryepatch]

soheartbroken,

 

i'm with you. should be going back to school right now, thinking i will in january in my optimistic moments. the difference only being that i'm married, and although we have no kids, there's a divorce-axe hanging right over my neck.

 

my head is still spinning after more than three months. we just have so much in common, have such a strong relationship, i don't understand how she could walk away from it. i literally don't.

 

i can't imagine ever feeling better.

 

i feel like we get pushed too fast on this board from people who are already out of the tunnel. my therapist said, don't leet anybody push you, don't try to heal any faster than makes sense to you. don't take on more than you can handle. i think you made a wise decision not going back to school yet. low commitment activities like the cpr class are a good idea, even if you can't concentrate. i'm in totally the same boat.

 

are there any support groups you can find? therapy? that's how i've been trying to fill my time.

 

also, if you feel like visiting arizona for the hell of it, i have an extra room!

 

(this applies to anybody, by the way.)

 

this is total hell, and i'm so damn isolated. . . trying to get out and meet people, but i just want my beautiful, kind, caring wife back.

 

we're in total NC, too, so i know how you feel. i don't know if she's really changed, and she can't see any changes i've made or get reminded of what she's missing.

[soheartbroken]

Hey Rye,

 

Thanks for your kind words. I didn't realize our situations were so similar. I'm trying not to let anyone push me, but it's pretty hard...it seems like there's a lot of stigma associated with taking time off due to heartbreak. I'm really glad that you're on my side.

 

I've tried hard to look for support groups. Haven't had much luck but I think I will try again. It would be a good way to meet some people. And I'll be seeing a counselor soon.

 

Unfortunately, one of the downsides to my situation is that any new people that I do meet I will have to leave to go back to school in January. Not ideal. Also, major possibility of running into my ex when I go back to school, after what will be months of NC. Quite a scary thought.

 

Thanks for the invite! The closest I'll get to Arizona is maybe NYC around Christmas (I'm in Canada).

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's okay to make friends whereever you go... it's fine. keep them on facebook. lol.

 

Oh and it you see your ex show her the hand, give her the finger..

 

That's how you supposed to roll! and keep it moving. You owe her nothing, you dont need to talk, or communicate with her. ignore her and smile and act like she's invisible dont let her see you sweat.

[tojaz]

SHB, and Rye

 

healing comes at your own pace. Don't ever try to force it. It only leads to backslides. As you move through the tunnel, you'll start to have days where you realize you didn't think about them, or you didn't cry today, etc. Finding things to do and people to share them with are a big part of the process. Join a club or something. Try http://www.meetup.com i joined a photography group locally and actually enjoyed myself a lot more then I thought I would and rediscovered an old hobby at the same time. Even finding time to E-mail or chit chat with people from LS helps a lot. I have made a handful of great friends here that I hope I can keep for life. Lisa and Dela especially (thanks ladies!!) The bright side of all this, that it took me so long and a lot of pain to see, is that i have constructed a stronger and more confident me! That dosen't repair the wounds, but it does dull the pain.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

lol Chrome. We'll see about that.

 

Thanks for the tip Tojaz. I'm just having a look at the site now.

[soheartbroken]

Huge step backwards today, very depressed right now.

 

I was taking the subway and there were these huge posters for "Weeds", a television program on showcase. It happens to be the last set of dvds that the ex and I rented before "The Day". The show represents the last few rocky weeks of the relationship (which I hate thinking about because she was pulling away), and the couple weeks after we broke up, where she was still staying at the apartment, watching the show at night without me.

 

This sounds pathetic, but one night soon after the breakup, I was leaving the apartment and she was going to bed. And she looked so exhausted and sad (probably guilt), so I tucked her in and put on an episode of Weeds for her.

 

I just want to throw up thinking about the weeks leading up to the breakup...thinking back to my old life with her, the apartment. Everything seems so hopeless, like these emotions will never end.

 

Anyway, the point is seeing the billboards just flooded me with the awful memories of the breakup, but also sad memories of the happy times that we had.

 

I'm still reeling from it all, feeling like this depression will never go away.

 

The board seems really slow today. Not many people updating, which surprises me for a Sunday.

[tojaz]

Huge step backwards today, very depressed right now.

 

I was taking the subway and there were these huge posters for "Weeds", a television program on showcase. It happens to be the last set of dvds that the ex and I rented before "The Day". The show represents the last few rocky weeks of the relationship (which I hate thinking about because she was pulling away), and the couple weeks after we broke up, where she was still staying at the apartment, watching the show at night without me.

 

This sounds pathetic, but one night soon after the breakup, I was leaving the apartment and she was going to bed. And she looked so exhausted and sad (probably guilt), so I tucked her in and put on an episode of Weeds for her.

 

I just want to throw up thinking about the weeks leading up to the breakup...thinking back to my old life with her, the apartment. Everything seems so hopeless, like these emotions will never end.

 

Anyway, the point is seeing the billboards just flooded me with the awful memories of the breakup, but also sad memories of the happy times that we had.

 

I'm still reeling from it all, feeling like this depression will never go away.

 

The board seems really slow today. Not many people updating, which surprises me for a Sunday.

 

Opening night of Sunday Night Football! All us jilted husbands are drunk and in front of the boob tube! LOL:laugh:

 

The triggers can be anything that will push you over the edge. I cried my eyes out when i put my work car in her spot in the garage!! Even had a twinge watching her team win tonight and not being able to cheer with her. Unexpected things will sneak up on you for quite awhile. Just use that time to celebrate and remember the good times, they are a huge part of your life and will always be pleasant memories for you. the sadness will fade as you let it out and you will feel it less and less. Just let it come, it's the only way to get it out.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Thought it might be the football...

[lupa]

Like Tojaz said, there are triggers for memories in everything. I used to not be able to play golf because the first thing I would do is call my wife when I was done. It hurt to tap in that last putt and then not have someone to call. Then it was breakfast at the dining room table. Then it was dinner at a certain restaurant. Then it was cutting the grass. Then it was...

 

...the good news is that you can RECLAIM those things and make them your own. The first time hurts, then every time after that is fine. It is funny how that works, and it is a little sad thinking about it, but I'm taking things back that were my life with her, and making them my own without her.

 

So, keep on trucking, and rebuild your own world.

[tojaz]

MEN!!!:rolleyes:

 

Luckily i have a laptop!!

[tojaz]

Way to ruin my post Lupa!! Great post though!

Thought it might be the football...

 

MEN!!!:rolleyes:

 

Luckily i have a laptop!!

 

Thats better!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Like Tojaz said, there are triggers for memories in everything. I used to not be able to play golf because the first thing I would do is call my wife when I was done. It hurt to tap in that last putt and then not have someone to call. Then it was breakfast at the dining room table. Then it was dinner at a certain restaurant. Then it was cutting the grass. Then it was...

 

...the good news is that you can RECLAIM those things and make them your own. The first time hurts, then every time after that is fine. It is funny how that works, and it is a little sad thinking about it, but I'm taking things back that were my life with her, and making them my own without her.

 

So, keep on trucking, and rebuild your own world.

 

You're so right Lupa. Some things I've been forced to reclaim, but I still avoid other triggers. Music, television, radio, newspaper, most movies, board games...my whole city! All things that remind me of my old life that I avoid as much as possible. I have no idea what's going on in the world today!

 

But I go back to my old city once in a while which hopefully is helping to desensitize me.

 

But the list of triggers is never ending. You just don't know when depression is going to strike.

[tojaz]

You're so right Lupa. Some things I've been forced to reclaim, but I still avoid other triggers. Music, television, radio, newspaper, most movies, board games...my whole city! All things that remind me of my old life that I avoid as much as possible. I have no idea what's going on in the world today!

 

But I go back to my old city once in a while which hopefully is helping to desensitize me.

 

But the list of triggers is never ending. You just don't know when depression is going to strike.

 

I spent a lot of time doing this. Spent almost a month in a deep hole and not really wanting to get out. To be honest you just need to face these things head on and conquer them. It hurts like hell, but it helps the healing. I like the way Lupa puts it. Take your life back!!

TOJAZ

[ryepatch]

the old city/ new city thing is tough. i stayed with friends in san francisco for awhile in july, thinking i might move there, but i just felt like i was in exile. i felt far away from home. but here, every damn street sign reminds me of her, every gas station has a memory of someday when we filled up to go for a drive or were in the middle of a big conversation.

 

and yeah, any progress i make while here in terms of friends, even a part time job would be left behind when i leave, which i probably will eventually if things don't work out with us.

 

it's hell trying to make these decisions.

[soheartbroken]

I'm so incredibly down in the dumps today, I just don't want to move. My head is being bombarded with memories and vague feelings associated with my ex - not any one thought in particular, just a barrage of images and feelings I guess. I woke up several times in the middle of the night, each time waking from a dream, each dream somehow warped to be about her.

 

Meanwhile, she is merrily continuing her life, hasn't even met up with the mutual friend yet to exchange the last of our possessions.

 

I found a support group to join but it doesn't start up until October 7th.

 

Just so depressed today. Feels like any progress amounted to nothing.

[lupa]

I'm so incredibly down in the dumps today, I just don't want to move. My head is being bombarded with memories and vague feelings associated with my ex - not any one thought in particular, just a barrage of images and feelings I guess. I woke up several times in the middle of the night, each time waking from a dream, each dream somehow warped to be about her.

 

Meanwhile, she is merrily continuing her life, hasn't even met up with the mutual friend yet to exchange the last of our possessions.

 

I found a support group to join but it doesn't start up until October 7th.

 

Just so depressed today. Feels like any progress amounted to nothing.

Two steps forward and two steps back will one day end up being two steps forward and one step back. From there you'll start noticing you're actually making real progress...taking steps back will last a long time, though. Just pick yourself up, put one foot in front of the other, and go.

 

If you pick the wrong direction, the beauty of the things is that you can always just turn and go another way. You aren't locked into anything.

 

Keep fighting.