I'm in so much pain, and so

[tojaz]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

Daily update: I'm traveling to my dad's this weekend to pick up some stuff that I will be needing in the next few months (yes, the dad that I got in a huge fight with. I'm going during the day to avoid seeing him).

 

Seeing all my old things (furniture, belongings, clothes) stored away in my dad's basement is going to be very traumatic. Probably no way to prepare myself for it. Will likely go into "zombie" mode.

 

This morning was rough. Was hurting quite a bit. Barraged with little memories all day (like being punched/stabbed in the stomach 100s of times; I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about), but managed to not fall in as deep a funk as yesterday. The hurting was over memories of the ex, but not the overwhelming "what is going on with my life" type thinking.

 

Soooo...I fought off the overwhelming/hopeless thoughts so far today. Have been reading up on depression and boy do I have ALL the negative thought patterns that contribute to it. It was a struggle though, I can't lie.

 

May or may not be able to update tomorrow, cause I'm out of town. But the battle continues.

Theres a lot of strength in just being able to analyze your thoughts like this. You understand what is happening to you and are predicting the ups and downs! THATS A HUGE STEP!!! I read a lot of new found strength in this post and with the daily updates, even if they are negative, they are stronger. Keep it up.

TOJAZ

[ryepatch]

have a good weekend, shb!

 

i'm trying to work on zombie mode myself. . . easier said than done. i feel like my own body reminds me of her. does that make sense?

 

hang in there. . .

[Gunny376]

You remind me so much of all my Marine recurits that I trained, told me they couldn't but they could!

 

If they just tried!

[soheartbroken]

Daily Update: WARNING - major downer. Do not read if you're looking for a hope-inspiring post.

 

I don't even know how much I should share...I will try to keep it brief.

 

In short, I drove 5 hours away to my dad's place to pick up things I will be needing while living at my mom's in the New City. It was very traumatizing to go through all my stuff from my "old life". I expected this. I got in and out as quickly as possible, cried driving back. Then got a STUPID, CRAZY idea in my head.

 

While driving back to my mom's, I stopped off in my Old City, which is along the way (sorry if all these cities are confusing. There are 3: 1) my mom's city, where I'm at now 2) my old city, where I lived with my ex and went to school 3) my dad's city, where my stuff is stored).

 

Whilst in the old city, I did something really dumb, considering I've been really good about No Contact for the past month. The trauma of sorting through old belongings just set me off, I can't even explain it. I think I was also motivated by the fact that I still don't know if she left me for someone...

 

Anyway, I'm too ashamed to say what I did, but it wasn't good, and I hit a new rock bottom afterward. I actually went into that feeling of shock, where you can't cry, you're just bewildered. I immediately got in touch with a friend, and confessed what I had done, and seen. But she made me feel worse about it, which sucked, because she has been a major support. I mean, in my defense, I have been very good about not doing anything stupid this past month, and what I did was not like reading her emails or tracking her with gps or going through her journal or cell phone records etc (which, by the way, I totally understand why some of you did that stuff).

 

Anyway, I basically bottomed out while driving back. Didn't eat all day...I'm a mess. My thoughts spiraled completely out of control. I really don't see how I'm going to get through this. It hurts too much and I don't see an end in sight.

 

I got this new feeling today that my ex is an alien, something I have not felt before. And I'm totally questioning my attractiveness, like, is she just out of my league?

 

I feel like I'm in my own private hell. No matter how many posts I read on LS, I still feel alone these days. I know people have gone through what I'm going through. But it just seems that all the odds are stacked against me -- I'm shy and quiet, introverted, negative, pessimistic, anxious, hard on my self, and my mom left when I was six (only got to see her every other weekend), so I have been abandoned.

 

All these factors just make me feel like the intensity of what I'm experiencing is worse than what others go through.

 

I don't even see the point in getting through this. So that I can go through it again in another relationship?

 

Sometimes I just want to give up and check into a mental institution. I can't see myself ever able to be in a healthy relationship again, let alone go back to school.

 

Will update again tomorrow. Thanks for listening. Not really looking for advice, just documenting my days.

[soheartbroken]

Wow, that was a long post. Sorry.

[tojaz]

SHB,

 

So you hit a low point, did something your not proud of. I did it. I looked at her E-mails, I checked her cell. You've read my thread, you know what I found. Sometimes you have to follow your gut, because thats all you've got. Thats nothing to be ashamed of, not knowing is torture!

 

The absolute worst thing you can do is start doubting yourself. YOU DIDN'T DO THIS!!! SHE DID!!! Shes the one that changed, not you. In the end, aside from all the hurt and pain, would you want her back as she is now, or are you just longing for memories of what was? Neither one is good for you and will keep you at rock bottom, i know it well, I spent a hell of a lot of time there myself.

TOJAZ

[singledad2]

SHB,

 

Nowhere to go but up! and it'll get easier to get back up there each time. I will say an extra special prayer for you tonight. You know some great things about yourself now. You know you have the capacity to care and care deeply. You are learning from all this and what you do and don't want in the next relationship. Hang in there, and we are here for you.

[ryepatch]

Anyway, I basically bottomed out while driving back. Didn't eat all day...I'm a mess. My thoughts spiraled completely out of control. I really don't see how I'm going to get through this. It hurts too much and I don't see an end in sight.

 

I got this new feeling today that my ex is an alien, something I have not felt before. And I'm totally questioning my attractiveness, like, is she just out of my league?

 

I feel like I'm in my own private hell. No matter how many posts I read on LS, I still feel alone these days. I know people have gone through what I'm going through. But it just seems that all the odds are stacked against me -- I'm shy and quiet, introverted, negative, pessimistic, anxious, hard on my self, and my mom left when I was six (only got to see her every other weekend), so I have been abandoned.

 

All these factors just make me feel like the intensity of what I'm experiencing is worse than what others go through.

 

QUOTE]

 

I'm totally there with you, SHB. I'm also "shy and quiet, introverted, negative, pessimistic, anxious, hard on my self. . ." times about a hundred when i'm alone. You're right, our exes are aliens. . . and it seems like both of us kind of looked to them for self-approval. Over the years, you become who you are, someone's got your back and you can relax a little.

 

With my wife at my side, I was able to deal with stuff i wasn't able to deal with before, like my little brother's ongoing schizophrenia (he turned into an alien when he was thirteen and i was sixteen), my older brother's abuse of the rest of us (he insisted we call him "your highness" when we were growing up and ruled the house with an iron fist (my parents have a restraining order against him now)).

 

Whatever your demons, you look for love for answers, for strength, to find someone to stand back to back with against the world. That's what people do when they grow up in dysfunctional families. That or become bitter and closed off.

 

We've got to find a middle way, you and me. Whether we get our exes back (and you never know if it'll happen, it's a weird world), or whether we find ourselves in new relationships, we've got to learn to be more emotionally independent. Think of all those people on here that are living for their kids--you and i don't have kids, but i think we need to think of ourselves like we're our own kids. Try to separate the part of yourself that's hurt and terrified and can't see how you're going to be able to function in the world from the part of yourself that is going to make a stand and protect that other part of yourself.

 

Someday, we may be happy and fully functional adults. For now, we've got to treat ourselves like children, like teenagers going through their first heartbreak, like kids going through a major surgery.

 

P.S. judging by your photo, you're a very attractive person! nice beak, nice wings, great legs. . . someday, you'll weave a nest with the woman of your dreams! (here is where i ask you to marry me, and you say you're not interested because i'm not really a woman. oh, right. oh, well. . .)

[tojaz]

Someday, we may be happy and fully functional adults. For now, we've got to treat ourselves like children, like teenagers going through their first heartbreak, like kids going through a major surgery.

 

Treat yourself like someone you love. Thats where it all begins! healing from this starts when you learn to love yourself! It's harder then it sounds.

TOJAZ

[WSeeker]

@soheartbroken

 

All i can say to encourage you is this:

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Kahlil Gibran (1883 – 1931)

[soheartbroken]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

Tojaz: not knowing is torture. I have no closure and I don't know what I'm supposed to forgive her for. It would be so much easier if there wasn't an OW. But I don't want to be naive. My gut tells me something is going on, but this thought in unbearable.

 

SingleDad: thank you for the prayer. Trouble is, I still want her in my next relationship. I want a second chance (but this is unrealistic).

 

Ryepatch: your post is just bang on with everything. And I actually smiled at the reference to my "photo".

 

Wseeker: thank you for the inspiration. Out of suffering has emerged the strongest of souls, but also the most damaged.

 

Will post my daily update tonight.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

I'm not much use to anyone today I'm afraid, I have the mental energy of a newt! But I wanted to say, whatever it was you did it was most certainly reasoned and necessary given what your gut was telling you and came about as a result of her behaviour towards you, under provication, so try not to feel bad. We probably all would have done it in your position.

 

How are you feeling today? You will see form my thread I am seriously backsliding today and others on here have been helping, I'm so tired from uni though I can barely make sense of my own emotions right now to think through their advice and support properly. That's where you are at. The first few months are exhausting and as yet you cannot see a way out of this tunnel, but you will in time. I'm not saying you won't backslide, think mine came about because I am so stressed and tired and in those moments the point of last stress in your life always resufaces, but it does get easier. Hang in there! (Also thank you for yur PM's sorry I have been so busy with school to reply ).

[soheartbroken]

I'm in hell tonight.

 

I looked at her profile pic on facebook (we never added eachother as friends, so I can't see anything more). It's cut out from a larger photo, and someone else's arm is entangled with her arm/knee in a pretty intimate way, leaning into eachother. Can't see who the person is. Even seeing her in a new shirt is like a stab to the heart, but seeing her so apparently intimate with someone else is like pain I have never experienced before.

 

It burns so badly. I've already given Tojaz an earful. I didn't think I could feel any worse, but seeing that picture is agony. It doesn't confirm anything but is highly suggestive...it doesn't even look like her. Thought I was on the wrong page at first.

 

I gotta wonder why she would post something so suggestive knowing that I could see it.

 

I know in most situations on LS there is an OW or OM. I don't understand how you guys pick up the pieces. The pain is seething. But at least most of you know for sure, you're not "almost sure but not quite".

 

So ya, I'm in hell. The pain is unbearable.

 

And yes, I did something stupid. But please be forgiving. It's the first time I've looked at her profile pic since we've moved apart.

[soheartbroken]

Oh, and I apologize that I'm not posting much on other people's threads. I'm in such a world of my own right now...

[ryepatch]

I'm in hell tonight.

 

I looked at her profile pic on facebook (we never added eachother as friends, so I can't see anything more). It's cut out from a larger photo, and someone else's arm is entangled with her arm/knee in a pretty intimate way, leaning into eachother. Can't see who the person is. Even seeing her in a new shirt is like a stab to the heart, but seeing her so apparently intimate with someone else is like pain I have never experienced before.

 

It burns so badly. I've already given Tojaz an earful. I didn't think I could feel any worse, but seeing that picture is agony. It doesn't confirm anything but is highly suggestive...it doesn't even look like her. Thought I was on the wrong page at first.

 

I gotta wonder why she would post something so suggestive knowing that I could see it.

 

I know in most situations on LS there is an OW or OM. I don't understand how you guys pick up the pieces. The pain is seething. But at least most of you know for sure, you're not "almost sure but not quite".

 

So ya, I'm in hell. The pain is unbearable.

 

And yes, I did something stupid. But please be forgiving. It's the first time I've looked at her profile pic since we've moved apart.

 

shb,

 

i think our exes, in their different ways, are just trying to get further and further away from us in order to prove to themselves and the people around us just how over us they are. they're in denial. feelings like that don't just go away. they've just set rules for themselves so they don't have to confront their feelings.

 

we, the left behind, are in an entirely different headspace. we want them to confront their feelings, but they're not mature enough to. they're not rejecting us so much as the difficult task of making a relationship work. giving it one last chance no matter how bad things are. they're running away from their problems.

 

i'm glad my wife doesn't do facebook or anything, but she's a teacher, and all the teachers have a short little bio on the school's website. it always used to say "i've spent a lot of time travelling around the country with my husband and our three cats." now it just says "i've spent a lot of time travelling around the country."

 

that hurt so much. . . it's in the past tense anyway, why couldn't she just have left it? she wants to erase the past and just live in the present. she's in a fog.

 

remember that rebound relationships rarely last long, and even if they do, the walkaway will just repeat the same problems. just hope they have enough insight to realize that they should go back to the person they love and fix their problems with them, rather than with someone new.

 

we have the seemingly impossible task of not falling apart in the meantime, addressing our shortcomings as much as we can without the emotional support we're used to, and trying to emotionally detach enough so that we're not obsessed about what they're doing or when we might hear from them again.

 

post as much as you want, PM me or anyone else, we'll all get through this together.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks so much Ryepatch. That must have hurt so much that she intentionally went in there and deleted those words.

 

I don't know if mine is purposely trying to show that she is over me or not. If she was, why not just post the picture of the two of them? I think she just truly is over me.

 

Unfortunately, she will not be coming back to me. You have a shot however.

 

As for repeating the same problems...I WAS the problem. If she's in a new relationship, it will probably work out. She was a wonderful partner, I could not have asked for much more. I don't think she has any baggage to bring into her new relationship.

 

As for not falling apart...I pretty much have. I mean, I dropped school, skipped town, and live at my mom's.

[tojaz]

SHB,

If you dont stop beating yourself up, I'm not going to be able to hang out here anymore!! :pJK You need to stop putting her on a pedestal!! Shes the one who walked away, may have left you for another! Why are you accepting all the blame? Stand up for yourself and get angry for what she has done to you, she deserves it!

TOJAZ

[singledad2]

Look, your journey is slowed by all this denial. I feel for you though, believe me. Its easier seeing it from the outside. You have a shot at moving forward in your own journey. You have a new career to look forward to. Go get it! You have most of your life in front of you. There is no place for the past in it. Let's picture you a couple of years down the road and start filling in the blanks. You have nobody to please right now but yourself and the man upstairs. What a gift!

 

You my friend have a lot to be thankful for! Let's concentrate on that! I wish I knew why you don't have the confidence in yourself because sometimes I feel it coming through. You have an open book to write.

 

Hugs!

[soheartbroken]

Today's Update

 

I played my first hockey game of the season this afternoon. It was a huge effort to go, I just have no energy anymore. It didn't take my mind off much; I still thought about her the whole time I played. I almost cried walking into the rink because hockey is one of the things that brought us together.

 

My thoughts just keep spiraling out of control. I think the last few years with her were the best I will ever have, and my life is just downhill from here. I can't see myself being in a healthy relationship ever again, or going back to school, or making anything of my life. Such a waste.

 

I'm in a really bad place in my head and I need serious help. And I'm going to try to get it. The problem is, it just becomes a matter of relying on other people to help me solve my problems, which is one of my issues to begin with. But I can't do this alone.

 

Seeing her moving on without me just destroyed me.

 

Please don't say to just "move on", or "stop wallowing" or whatever. It's not that simple. I'm trying to do things and nothing helps much. I keep digging myself deeper and deeper. I don't even know why I bother posting anymore, it must seriously be bringing people down.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

NEVER think you can't post for fear of bringing us down, we're here for you however you are feeling ok?

 

When Rye said that she will have the same issues, what that meant was she would rather walk than work out relationship problems, however they come about.

 

That does not make you the problem, it makes her the problem. You told us that she never gave you a reason for the break up and all the stuff you keep saying you did is your take on why she left.

 

This says two things to me, firstly you don't know for sure any of that stuff is why she left and secondly, she never sat down with you and had a proper conversation about what she felt was wrong in the relationship and therby she did not try to fix things with you before bailing. THIS is the mistake she is destined to repeat. No one is perfect, there will always be something she is not happy with, but unlike a mature functioning adult, she will not be able to resolve her feelings. You on the otherhand have that ability and insight and when the time is right for you, some women is going to be very lucky to have you in their life.

[tojaz]

SHB, you'll move on when your ready. Everyone heals at their own pace. Don't worry about bringing us down. Everyone here, came here for the same reasons and we all started at he bottom. Keep posting!!

 

I don't think hockey is such a good idea for you. It's something you both shared and so many memories to stir up. You need to find something thats just for you. Maybe something that she didn't care for much. Play the music she didn't like. watch the shows she didn't like. DECLARE YOUR INDEPENDENCE! Free yourself from the memories and sad feelings.

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

SHB...she never gave you reasons, she never gave you a chance, she never respected your commitment...noone knows if the have a second shot and don't hang yourself on that rope waiting to see...the last few years with her were not your best and I don't even need to know you to believe that...if it is meant to be it will come back but you have to be you and grieve your loss I get that (oh so much right now) but please have faith that you are on this earth for a reason (and not for this hell) and that is a blessing for all the little things (I like to think of that each time I see a hawk or butterfly etc). You will find your own pace again (I still am trying to find mine) and yes things will continue to move and turn and be as they are or change at will...it is life

 

all of us on LS like Lisa said...we are here and keep pulling eachothers bootstraps up each time we find the mud ...if I could physically I would hug and hold hands with many of you (and I am sure cry some good tears) atleast mentally I look at it as my friends who never tire of my whining, never stop giving it to me straight, give me a slap when I need it, and most importantly hold me up when I feel alone...no nobody will ever feel exactly like we do (that is why we are individuals right??) but atleast some here are in the same boat and advice is not just given without care or experience.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Lisa,

 

You're post actually hit a chord with me, which is surprising given the state I am in. She didn't really sit me down and tell me what the issues were, and give me a chance. I had to do all the question-asking, which just started to annoy her when I wanted some answers.

[soheartbroken]

Thank you also ladybug and Tojaz.

 

Tojaz, hockey was my thing long before her. She only took it up when she met me. We never really played together. I think the trigger was maybe that she always came to watch me play? (and I, being the ****ty girlfriend, rarely went to watch her play)

 

I'm already committed to the team and I think it was good for me.

[ryepatch]

Thanks Lisa,

 

You're post actually hit a chord with me, which is surprising given the state I am in. She didn't really sit me down and tell me what the issues were, and give me a chance. I had to do all the question-asking, which just started to annoy her when I wanted some answers.

 

 

yep, same thing. i fired off all the questions, and her answers never made sense. they can't justify abandoning us, no matter how hard they try, so their answers are gonna be BS.

 

i'm gonna suggest antidepressants again, and no, i don't work for the pharmaceutical industry! they've really started to help me, they give you a little bit of thicker skin and take some of the anxiety out of the mix.

 

i was in a bad thought cycle for three months, couldn't concentrate at all on anything else for even a minute. i'm still really far down and in a bad situation but i'm able to think a little more clearly.

 

we all have shortcomings, and so we all have something to blame ourselves for if we fall into that trap. look at lisa's recent posts on her thread. i was definitely a handful for my wife, too, and a burden. these people who left us just took the selfish route, the quickest route to some temporary happiness. we were in it for the long haul. we should be proud of ourselves just for that, even though it screwed us up.