I'm in so much pain, and so

[singledad2]

Thank you also ladybug and Tojaz.

 

Tojaz, hockey was my thing long before her. She only took it up when she met me. We never really played together. I think the trigger was maybe that she always came to watch me play? (and I, being the ****ty girlfriend, rarely went to watch her play)

 

I'm already committed to the team and I think it was good for me.

 

So are you still playing? Sounds like a good outlet....

[soheartbroken]

Yes, still going to play. It's just once a week, but I might go out to the local outdoor rinks for shinny in the winter.

[LisaUk]

yep, same thing. i fired off all the questions, and her answers never made sense. they can't justify abandoning us, no matter how hard they try, so their answers are gonna be BS.

 

i'm gonna suggest antidepressants again, and no, i don't work for the pharmaceutical industry! they've really started to help me, they give you a little bit of thicker skin and take some of the anxiety out of the mix.

 

i was in a bad thought cycle for three months, couldn't concentrate at all on anything else for even a minute. i'm still really far down and in a bad situation but i'm able to think a little more clearly.

 

we all have shortcomings, and so we all have something to blame ourselves for if we fall into that trap. look at lisa's recent posts on her thread. i was definitely a handful for my wife, too, and a burden. these people who left us just took the selfish route, the quickest route to some temporary happiness. we were in it for the long haul. we should be proud of ourselves just for that, even though it screwed us up.

 

Yep, mine got soooooooooooooo p*****d b/c I dared to ask why he had left me during phone calls about legals!

 

Your right Rye, in my dark moments I sit and blame myself and that's b/c I am not perfect, no one is and so we can all find something that MAY have been the reason.

 

However in my less sad and clearer moments I know these things weren't the case, my agoraphobia for example, in the last year and a half I had gotten so much better, been going out more, was talking about learning to drive, going back to work and had just two weeks prior suggested booking a holiday and also where we would go on honeymoon, he knew I was on the mend!

 

All his reasons were contradictory, on moment my health was nothing to do with it, the next it was. At the end of the day it was HIS BS, CP in his case, but midlife, easing guilt over their own weaknesses, whatever, main point being it wasn't the people on this board that was the problem, if our ex's had been right with us we wouldn't need this board, if we had been given the chance to fix things first and couldn't, the acceptance would have been somewhat easier if still upsetting.

[soheartbroken]

Today's Update:

 

Had a falling out with the only "mutual" friend that the ex and I had. I put 'mutual' in quotations because the two of them never hung out, only played on the same hockey team, carpooled very rarely together. But apparently they are going out to dinner. WTF.

 

Anyway, long story short, but this friend is to the point where she "doesn't know what to say to me anymore". Which irritates me because I don't expect advice, or for her to solve my problems. I just need to vent, you know, I don't need her to say anything really. Anyway, I won't be talking to her about my issues anymore.

 

But now I'm super anxious that she's going to tell my ex what a wreck I am. I mean, my ex will seem so calm, collected, and happy when they meet, in stark contrast to me. And I think this might motivate my friend to let loose that I'm driving her crazy. And here I was hoping to preserve some dignity

 

That's all for today. Wish I didn't have this stress on top of everything else. But I think we all lose/strain some friendships during times like this, right? Just hope she doesn't go blabbing to my ex.

[ryepatch]

i've lost all my local friends except for one. . . and his kids are my wife's students, so he still sees her, it's weird. all of them were supportive of me till they talked to her.

 

my best friend in town happens to be my wife's coworker, which i guess sort of explains it, but as soon as this happened, she made an appt. to hang out with me, then talked to my wife, then cancelled it, saying she didn't want to get involved, i said i just wanted to vent, she said she couldn't help me. the same thing happened with a mutual acquaintance.

 

and i still have no idea what my wife said to them.

 

i guess it happens, i don't know. . . it's like, when do the hits stop coming?

 

shb, one thing, your ex isn't necessarily "calm, collected and happy;" she could just be putting up a good front. hopefully your friend will be able to tell. and who knows, she might say good things about you!

 

is it possible to ask your friend to not say anything about you?

 

i kind of wish i had spelled that out to a couple of people. it's reasonable, i think, to ask.

[soheartbroken]

I asked my friend to preserve my dignity. That was my request. But I don't trust that that will happen now, because I've obviously alienated her somewhat. So not sure what she will say at this point.

[ryepatch]

hey shb,

 

haven't seen you on the boards today. . . are you okay?

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for checking in.

 

I guess I just don't have anything new to write. Down as always, no new developments, wondering when this will ever end.

 

I see everyone writing about "backsliding". Well, I wish I could backslide, because that would mean there was an upslide! But every day is just the same now, no real progress.

[PWSX3]

Thanks for checking in.

 

I guess I just don't have anything new to write. Down as always, no new developments, wondering when this will ever end.

 

I see everyone writing about "backsliding". Well, I wish I could backslide, because that would mean there was an upslide! But every day is just the same now, no real progress.

 

Sometimes it is good to just be the same. What are you hoping will happen?

 

As for friends, my situation might be different because I started going back to church, taking some classes the church offers & I still keep in contact with some of my old friends but I've made so many new ones that know my story & stick by me.

I guess when something like this happens you find out who your "real" friends are.

[soheartbroken]

I guess, PW, that I'm hoping to take some steps forward, instead of being stuck in this "doom and gloom" stage.

 

Tonight though, I had a relatively good night (which is saying a lot!). I hung out with my older brother, his girlfriend, and their friend. Had a nice chat with my brother at one point. I actually went minutes without being depressed about my ex. Part of it is just the nighttime thing, where I feel better when it's dark. But part of it was the distraction.

 

So, at least I got some relief tonight.

 

Now I need to get a job (on top of the research job that I might get soon). I'm feeling an urge to meet some new people. And making some money will make me feel better about myself and my situation.

[ryepatch]

that's awesome that you had a good night. . . you start with a few minutes at a time, eventually it's half an hour at a time. that's happened to me once or twice. and yeah, getting a job would help. don't put too much pressure on yourself though!

[Gunny376]

You've made so much progress from you initial post!

 

When you first popped up ~ you were like me when I was going through what you're going through now. Stumbling and fumbling one minute ~ and screaming and shouting ~ running around in circles.

 

Your getting out and about among the living, your re-engaging in life. Which is what you should be doing.

 

Initially when you first get thrown under the bus, you don't feel like moving? But the first thing that they make you do is do the simple things in life.

 

Its very much like having gone through a stroke. You've got to learn how to walk and talk all over again. And that's what you're going through.

 

But? Instead of going through an actual physical stroke, you're going through a mental and emotional stroke.

 

And you've hit the nail on the head with your latest thread post. It comes one second, one minute, one hour at a time!

 

Your doing good ~ really good!

 

Your out of the ER, and now its time for physical therapy.

 

Its time to learn how to walk and talk again.

 

Its time to learn how to live again!

 

Its time to re-invent yourself!

 

Its time to re-define yourself!

 

Its time to live your life for you and you alone!

 

Its time to validate yourself and not seek validation from others.

 

Lisa's doing it, I did it, and you can do it!

 

That's not to say that its easy. Its not!

 

Its all day hard!

 

The person that is the hardest on us when going through all of this?

 

Is ourselves.

 

WE each ourselves are responsible for our own happiness.

 

Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be?

 

People come? And people go! There's no one person that makes a show.

 

You've got to get out the mind set that this one person is the one and only, the best that you can have in your life?

 

In a small (make that very small) rural Alabama town, with a Baptist or Methodist Church on every corner there's a woman I know.

 

Its pretty obvious that she's gay. But she's the most outgoing, loving, caring, gregarious, sociable, giving, sharing, optimistic, fun person I've ever meet in my entire life!

 

She lives life to its top ~ and to it fullest! Each and every single second of it!

 

She always has a smile on her face, and a laugh in her voice ~ and you won't be around her for more than five seconds before you have the same.

 

You can be crying in your beer and she'll come around and have you feeling better about yourself in nothing flat!

 

She's taught me that its not what happens to you in life?

 

Its what your going to do about it?

 

She loves Life!

 

She embraces Life!

 

She lives Life!

 

To its fullest and to its top!

[soheartbroken]

So I wake up every morning now, much earlier than I would like to, and agonize over whether she left for this OW. Well, I go through all the evidence, and it very strongly points in that direction. I'm going to get an ulcer at this rate. I can't shut my thoughts off! I just want to sleep.

 

I can't lie/convince myself either way. I don't know what to do. This is absolute hell.

[Auroracoladybug]

So I wake up every morning now, much earlier than I would like to, and agonize over whether she left for this OW. Well, I go through all the evidence, and it very strongly points in that direction. I'm going to get an ulcer at this rate. I can't shut my thoughts off! I just want to sleep.

 

I can't lie/convince myself either way. I don't know what to do. This is absolute hell.

 

shb this was her choice and there is not a thing you can do about this...no you can't shut off your thoughts and you may agonize about the whys but here is where I stand. If she knows how you feel and has not come back, made an effort to work on things, continues to walk that path then you do not have to follow...you have told her how you feel and let her walk (that is hell I know) because if she truly is going to give as much as you and give you the partner in life you should have then she has to come to you willingly and on her own...

 

IMHO you deserve better and she may be better when she figures out WTF she wants but until then hold your head up and know that you are being you and doing for you...she is the one missing out.

[soheartbroken]

Ladybug, thanks for your post.

 

I know that she's not coming back. She has figured out what she wants, and it's not me. Whether or not she's with someone else, she's gone. We've both walked away, not speaking etc. Relationship is dead, over, done (although I have not given up hope of seeing/speaking to her again one day).

 

So I'm not agonizing over an OW because it makes any difference to whether she comes back. I agonize because the probable betrayal is extremely painful, and I don't know how to stop thinking about it, even though it really makes no difference to us being together again. I can't get it out of my head. I would feel more comforted if she was single, and not falling in love with someone new, replacing me. If she's replacing me then she probably thinks of me very rarely...

 

Sorry if this makes no sense.

[singledad2]

SHB,

 

We are in the same boat. And I will tell you this. We need to move on. We need to get our own lives. I know it hurts. Hurting is part of the process. Anger is part of the process. We are coming out of denial and that means progress. Acceptance is the beginnng. We will process our feelings and be better people for it in the long run if we work on what got us to this point. We need to look at life as a blank canvas, with no one but ourselves to paint into it and surrounding ourselves with with what WE want for the rest and go make that happen. One piece of the puzzle at a time. Crying is Gods way of cleaning us out from the inside. Let it flow, I know I have in the last couple of days. I was in a show this morning and a kid sings a song that made me weep. I had to cover my face, but in the end, I felt a lot better. I will walk with you and lift you up any way I can, and you will lift me up too, I am sure. But yes, let's accept this PAST that we cannot change, and change what we can, which is our FUTURE.

[Gunny376]

SHB,

 

We are in the same boat. And I will tell you this. We need to move on. We need to get our own lives. I know it hurts. Hurting is part of the process. Anger is part of the process. We are coming out of denial and that means progress. Acceptance is the beginning. We will process our feelings and be better people for it in the long run if we work on what got us to this point. We need to look at life as a blank canvas, with no one but ourselves to paint into it and surrounding ourselves with with what WE want for the rest and go make that happen. One piece of the puzzle at a time. Crying is Gods way of cleaning us out from the inside. Let it flow, I know I have in the last couple of days. I was in a show this morning and a kid sings a song that made me weep. I had to cover my face, but in the end, I felt a lot better. I will walk with you and lift you up any way I can, and you will lift me up too, I am sure. But yes, let's accept this PAST that we cannot change, and change what we can, which is our FUTURE.

 

Out Freaking Standing Post SD!

 

When I was a kid, I use to watch shows on TV such as "Combat" and "Twelve O'clock High"

 

Like most men? I was culturally and socially conditioned not to show emotion.

 

I don't watch the Military Channel, nor do I watch news about some 'kid' that 'caught one' in Iraq of Afghanistan.

 

Why? Because my 'allergies' will kick in and my eyes will start to 'water'

 

When I was going through what you're going through? I thought I would cry a river that would make the Mississippi look like a creak.

 

And SHB? You're getting stronger and sounding stronger everyday and with each post.

 

I know? Your not feeling it ~ but at least your up and about moving about the place.

 

And I realize that your focused on the 'feeling' of it. But its just like anything in Life? Sometimes you've got to put action before emotion.

 

A friend comes over and say lets go and do this?

 

And you say ~ "Naw, I'm just not in the mood!"

 

And your friend then persuades you to go and do it ~ and you have a blast to despite yourself?

 

PT (Physical Training ~ Exercise) is a lot like that. At first? You don't feel like doing it. But you slog along for three to six months, and then it takes hold and you don't feel right NOT going to the gym five days a week.

 

A lot of times? You've got to go through the motions ~ before you feel the emotions?

[soheartbroken]

I GIVE UP

 

I'm giving up on my thread.

 

I lost two more friends today. Two people with no compassion for what I'm going through, who just don't understand, who talk like I'm not even around, suffering. I now have zero friends, only my mom, therapist, and brothers.

 

I have bottomed out. I am in more pain than I was when I started my thread, more overwhelmed and utterly destroyed. My situation is hopeless. I'm so depressed; my whole life has come crashing down on me. Every issue from every dark corner of my past has come back to haunt me.

 

I will never be as happy as I was when I was 21 and in love, and I can't keep bringing everyone down on these boards. No amount of advice or sympathy is going to save me from my demons. I've been out the past two nights, and played hockey today, and I feel worse now than I ever have.

 

So this is it. I may follow some select threads, but I certainly don't need to add my own misery into the mix. My situation is very atypical, what with all the issues in my past, and my current mental health issues. After three months most people should be better off. Just not me. So don't anyone think they will end up like me!

 

I am 26, living at home, with no job and not in school. I'm burning through thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it. I don't belong in this city, and I can't go back to my old city. My life had such promise and it has been reduced to nothing. I'm weak, and I suppose my happiness did depend on my ex. I'm negative and a pessimist and no one wants to be around someone like me. How can I ever go back to school?

 

I will live as long as I have my family, and a roof over my head, because I would never intentionally put them through the pain I am suffering.

 

Thank you to everyone who has posted or followed my thread.

 

If I'm better one day I will update.

[soheartbroken]

Oh.

 

And thanks singledad and Gunny for your two most recent posts. Both excellent.

 

Crying does temporarily alleviate some pain...perhaps it produces the body's own natural analgesic? Problem is when you keep crying but aren't moving forward.

[chase2020]

i am sorry you are hurting and i have been thru the exact same scenario as you- same amount of time together, animals together, a new job coming up, moving out, etc---i know the sleepless nights, not eating, etc. it sucks and it hurts..Mine was almost 2 years ago and i still think about it- if this is your first time, it will be a scar for a long time but trust me when i tell you- time heals all!! when someone told me that it didnt sound like good advice or anything i wanted to hear but its true--stay as busy as possible and under no circumstances do you contact her. And if you do, only email and keep it very light---no late night calls or emails pleading for her to come back--i did those things and when you look back 6 months from now, you will see how weak it was for you to do it---TRUST ME!! good luck with your new job and stay strong--talk to as many friends as you can

[WSeeker]

No amount of advice or sympathy is going to save me from my demons.

 

You created your demons, only you can revoke them.

 

I'm weak, and I suppose my happiness did depend on my ex.

 

Your happiness depends only on you. If your happiness depends on your ex, you do not deserve your ex.

 

My life had such promise and it has been reduced to nothing.

 

It was never about your promised life, or your ex. Its about WHO YOU ARE, and what can YOU offer the world or next loving person you meet in your life.

[ryepatch]

just didn't want that last post to be the last one. . .

 

i want to say that soheartbroken is an incredibly sensitive person capable of serious self reflection and great achievements, and will one day, in fact, become "soheartmended." i'm in touch with her and i'll see to that personally! thanks everyone who helped her out!

[Gunny376]

BS! Don't you give up on me! Cause I'm not going to give up on you! ABSOLUTE BS!

 

I can't speak for the XGF?

 

But I of the six billion pepole on this planet ~ give a damn about you!

 

I did twenty years in the Corps for you!

 

A lot of blood sweat and tears for you!

 

You owe me damnit!

 

Lakeside did the same for you in Nam!

 

You owe us to live a full and healthy life!

 

You owe us because we put our @zz on the line/wire for you, and said "Nothing will happen to you! Not on my watch!"

 

Lakeside and I paid one Hell of a price so you can live your life to its top and to its top!

 

Don't you dare quit me now!

[Logik]

I know you said you're not gonna look at this thread any more but I'm gonna tell you what happened to me with my ex girlfriend 8 years ago.

 

We were together for 8 years. She ended it with me because she didn't feel the same and loved me like a brother etc. etc. I felt exactly the same as you do. I couldn't even go to work. I took unpaid leave from work and sat and wallowed in my misery. I tried to talk to her twice about getting back together but she wouldn't budge.

 

All I could do is soldier on, as painful as it was. Someone gave me a great idea to do something for myself. So my friends came to me and said they were going overseas for the holidays and asked if I wanted to join them. I did and I had a good time, but she was still in the back of my head the whole time. This holiday was 3 months after we broke up.

 

When I got back I felt a lot better, but still wanted her back. Tried to contact her but she wouldn't listen to me. So I soldiered on and tried to get on with my life. I started going out with my friends and enjoying myself as much as I could. Then one evening I was at a bar having a drinks with mates and guess who walks in? With her new boyfriend! We saw each other and I waved at her and she totally ignored me and walked the other way. It killed me. But it made me realise that what I was doing to myself was absolutely ridiculous. So I gave up any hope of us getting back together and carried on.

 

Months passed and I met the girl of my dreams. I fell head over heels and was never as happy. After about 2 months together with my new girlfriend, my mother asks me if there is any chance of me getting back together with my ex? Weird! My mom and my ex's mom were friendly and still kept contact, even today. My ex's mom had told my mother that my ex was in a state of panic, that she realised she still loved me and needed me in her life. She broke up with her new boyfriend because she was still in love with me.

 

I told my mother that there was no way I could go back to her. I was happier than I'd ever been, even when I was with her. My mom met up with her and told her this and she was devastated. Could hardly even speak to my mother. Sobbing, weak knees, you know the symptoms. So she made the decision, and boy did she have to live with it.

 

I'm telling you this story because I've been there. I can't tell you what will happen, just letting you know that in a year's time or so, the tables could be completely reversed. You will be fine, but only when you accept what has happened an move on.

 

Now I'm in the same situation again! This time with my wife. She's the girl I told you about before, the girl of my dreams. We've been separated 3 months. The situation is almost a carbon copy of my previous break up, same words used, same attitude, same everything. The only difference between my situation now and my situation 8 years ago is there's more at stake now...Property, 2 kids marriage etc. But I know what to do this time around. Accept it and move on. Things will turn out the way they're meant to be. It's as simple as that. But it's still not easy.

 

I'm here for you buddy if you need to ask any question or ask how I dealt with certain things. Chin up. It's all you can do. It's all I'm doing at the moment.

[soheartbroken]

Hi all,

 

I'm back. With my tail between my legs. I've been debating posting an update, but I was too ashamed to come back after the way I left. But Tojaz, wonderful, awesome guy that he is, found me posting on another forum, and has given me the strength to come back.

 

Board has been quite busy since I left. I've been following some new threads...JaneDoe, Aksion, FeelingLonely, and a few others that I can't remember off the top of my head. And of course MMI and LisaUK and Ladybug and Broken Hearted...all the regulars.

 

Around the time I left, I went through a pretty bad depression, my anxiety levels were through the roof, I thought I was literally going insane. By the way, I've found out that it's totally normal to think you're going mad, because your reality, in a sense, is comepletely swept out from under your feet (this goes out to Aksion in particular if you're reading).

 

I found out that the ex was NOT seeing the OW that I thought she was. But by now I can only assume that she has found someone new. We are complete NC...

 

Except that I had a bad blow yesterday, which has sent me back to a bad place, the place where I was when I left this board (depression and major anxiety). It wasn't anything "normal" people would consider a big deal...basically just confirmation that she's living her life happily without me.

 

And I've apparently lost the one mutual "friend" that we shared. I'm sure many of us can relate to this. Drives me nuts that this "friend" is priviledged to much more info than I am. But whatever, I don't want any new information.

 

I got a part-time job working minimum wage. Not where I wanted to be in my life. Not sure how I'm gonna make it back to Law school. I'm so amazed that Lisa is doing it. I guess my healing will take longer. Maybe because school is so utterly stressful for me, that I need more of a break.

 

I play hockey and basketball on the weekends. I go to a S&D class on Wednesday nights, and therapy 2-3 times a week (every penny I make pays for it!!). Still can't really bring myself to hang out with people socially yet. No music or tv for me yet either! Decided not to go on meds yet, but I definitely think about it a lot.

 

But anyway. I'm still plugging away. I hope the depression doesn't get as bad this time after getting this new info. I still tink that I'm taking this way harder than most. But what can you do?

 

Thanks again Tojaz.