I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

I guess I've had good parts of days. Like a good night with my brother watching a game, or a good time shopping, or a nice hour of reading or walking or something. I think I will settle for these good times for now, instead of expecting my whole day to be good...which is unrealistic at this point. Thanks for making me consider this, Tojaz.

 

As for the hope - I guess I hope it will just burn out with time. If I could flip a switch and make it go away, I would... Or maybe I am choosing to hold onto it. At any rate, I'm not in a rush to let that last bit go yet, and I'm OK with this. It's not keeping me from moving on, I'm not planning on a reconciliation, I'm not biding my time before I contact her for another chance or anything. It's just there, in the background...

[WTFO]

 

As for the hope - I guess I hope it will just burn out with time. If I could flip a switch and make it go away, I would... Or maybe I am choosing to hold onto it. At any rate, I'm not in a rush to let that last bit go yet, and I'm OK with this. It's not keeping me from moving on, I'm not planning on a reconciliation, I'm not biding my time before I contact her for another chance or anything. It's just there, in the background...

 

 

I feel the same way. However,it IS getting better. It's like when we were married I was dangling high in the air with both hands(10 fingers) on the stick. It feels like I am hanging on by 3 fingers now. Slowly it will be 2 then 1 then there will be nothing in my mind except to LET GO. I'm not totally there yet. But you catch my drift. Might be corny,but this is how I feel.

[soheartbroken]

Hi WTFO. Thanks for posting on my thread.

 

I think that's a good analogy. To add to it...

 

Perhaps some people have those last fingers stomped on, which makes them let go of the hope sooner (like finding out that the ex is in love with someone new). And maybe some people really can choose to let go, especially when they realize that the other person wasn't right for them, and treated them badly.

 

But for others it probably happens more gradually, at its own pace.

[soheartbroken]

UPDATE

 

I had two really good nights this week. Went out with my S&D class after class, and it was great. I won't even try to explain it, but I will just say it's awesome being around people where you don't have to pretend that life is wonderful (but we laughed and had fun anyway).

 

Then last night I ran into a friend and we had a drink (non-alcoholic for me), and I was genuinely happy. The spontaneity was great.

 

Having said this, my mornings are still universally bad, and I need a different job. Also, right before these two good nights I had about 3-4 days of pretty bad depression.

 

I've come to the realization that there wasn't as much communication in my relationship as I thought there was. Rather, I was the one doing all the communicating (and I often did it aggressively rather than assertively).

 

Anyway, I have basketball tonight, which I hope is good, and then watching a hockey game later with my brother and doing some baking with his fiancee.

[imagine]

UPDATE

 

I've come to the realization that there wasn't as much communication in my relationship as I thought there was. Rather, I was the one doing all the communicating (and I often did it aggressively rather than assertively).

 

 

I'm glad that you are positively analyzing the relationship. Hopefully this introspection will make you a more desirable man.

[tojaz]

I'm glad that you are positively analyzing the relationship. Hopefully this introspection will make you a more desirable man.

 

I hope not! Don't think she would care for that much change!:D

 

You sound like your starting to see that things were not as perfect as you first thought SHB. Thats good, the quicker you knock that halo from her head and bring her back to earth with the rest of us, the sooner you can see things clearer. Your on the right track, keep moving!

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Lol Tojaz. For anyone reading my thread, my ex and I are both women. I guess no one can be expected to read way back to my first posts. But thank you for your input imagine. It is still valuable.

 

I've come to the sad realization tonight that the only reason I've made any progress is because we are in complete NC. Seeing her or hearing even the slightest thing about her would throw me back to the beginning.

 

Am I actually healing or just living in lala land? I hope the former. A lot of people on these forums strongly advocate NC, but when the dumper initiates it rather than the dumpee, it really sucks, and I don't think that it has quite the positive impact that it's supposed to have (actually gives more control to the dumper, and puts them on a pedestal).

 

Funny thing. A counselor that I'm seeing told me that if I was still in contact with my ex, and she was willing, that he would see us together, not to get us back together, but just to sort out some things or whatever (not completely sure what he had in mind. I didn't bother asking because I knew it wouldn't happen).

 

I told him there was no way in hell that my ex would do it, and I certainly won't contact her about it. She is so far gone it's not even funny. I can understand that breakups happen, but I just cannot understand how my ex hasn't even tried to contact me in over three months. Not a word. Doesn't care how I'm doing (though I'm sure she knows I'm devastated). It's beyond comprehension.

[Gunny376]

Personally I could care less if you were with an alien from another planet?

 

What's that got to do with anything?

 

You fell in love You've gotten your heart broke good and proper!

 

Same as me!

 

You gotten thrown under the bus.

 

And your crawling out from underneath it?

 

Same as me!

[liftedcj7on44s]

I feel for you man. Sometimes I just want to call my wife and give her a piece of my mind but in the long run it's not worth it. I used to care about her but the focus has now moved from her to my future relationship with my kid. Life is hard. You dont know how many times I have wanted to end my life over this. Depressed, Busted my knuckles on a matco tool box, punched out a glass window. It freakin hurts bad. But I think about my son. And this is what drives me everyday to push foward and be there for him when the time is right.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep Ya Head Up

[soheartbroken]

ah, Gunny. I love having you around so much! And you're right, it doesn't make any difference!

 

Thank you for your post, Lifted. It's nice to hear from new people on here. What kept me from being suicidal was also my family. Don't have kids, but have parents, and three brothers, 2 of whom are pretty young.

 

I too want to give the ex a piece of my mind, but that's on the backburner, for another day.

[tojaz]

Personally I could care less if you were with an alien from another planet?

 

 

No were taliking about a story i havent heard! :laugh:

 

Gunnys right, makes no difference, but I would hate to have someone mistake me for a woman (beard and all).

 

Lol Tojaz. For anyone reading my thread, my ex and I are both women. I guess no one can be expected to read way back to my first posts. But thank you for your input imagine. It is still valuable.

 

I've come to the sad realization tonight that the only reason I've made any progress is because we are in complete NC. Seeing her or hearing even the slightest thing about her would throw me back to the beginning.

 

Am I actually healing or just living in lala land? I hope the former. A lot of people on these forums strongly advocate NC, but when the dumper initiates it rather than the dumpee, it really sucks, and I don't think that it has quite the positive impact that it's supposed to have (actually gives more control to the dumper, and puts them on a pedestal).

 

Funny thing. A counselor that I'm seeing told me that if I was still in contact with my ex, and she was willing, that he would see us together, not to get us back together, but just to sort out some things or whatever (not completely sure what he had in mind. I didn't bother asking because I knew it wouldn't happen).

 

I told him there was no way in hell that my ex would do it, and I certainly won't contact her about it. She is so far gone it's not even funny. I can understand that breakups happen, but I just cannot understand how my ex hasn't even tried to contact me in over three months. Not a word. Doesn't care how I'm doing (though I'm sure she knows I'm devastated). It's beyond comprehension.

 

SHB, leavers truly become totally different people when this happens, not the caring loving people we remember. When I was sick and in the hospital, I later found out my ex knew the whole time! Not a call, not a text, nothing. A month later, when I had to contact her for some bills business, THEN she expressed her concern.....to save face. Thats all it was. Just stick with the NC it really helps.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Ya, I'm sticking with it Tojaz.

 

Am sitting upstairs near the family computer (not my computer), and when it goes into sleep mode, it starts to cycle through all the pictures on the computer.

 

A bunch of my ex came up, including a short video that she's in. Something like this was bound to happen. I can't avoid things like this forever, even though I don't purposely look at old pictures or emails or anything. So depressing. No one will ever be as beautiful and special. I think I will go cry for a bit now.

 

When will I stop thinking that she will be the best thing that ever happened to me? And please don't say when "I decide" she won't be. I don't think grief works like this. If we could just "decide", no one would be on this forum. And I don't want it to be because I meet someone else either. Ideally I could heal while being single.

 

How long until I can appreciate the good times, without the knife in the gut?

 

Sigh. Tough night. Glad I have therapy tomorrow.

[tojaz]

SHB, I think it helps to stop celebrating her positives and acknowledge the negatives. Like I keep saying, knock her off that pedestal, she dosen't deserve it.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Yes, I have been working at the pedestal thing. I've realized that where I thought there was communication in the relationship, I was the one doing all of it! She didn't volunteer suggestions to our issues, it was always me doing most of the talking, even when I asked her for her input.

 

Yes, she brought her own baggage into the relationship.

 

I guess the pictures and video just made me miss more physical things, like her smile and her presence. Reminded me of what she looked like, how happy she could be. I actually remember what it felt like to hold her and be held by her. Very sad. Didn't help that the video was black and white and silent...had an eerie and nostalgic quality to it.

 

Oh well. Was bound to happen. Hopefully one day I can look back more with fondness than regret and sadness.

 

Thank you for your thoughts this evening Tojaz. I've been following your recent thread by the way, I'm just shy with the input.

[soheartbroken]

Gonna add that I posted my resume in a database yesterday for clinical research work similar to what I did when I took a year off between undergrad and law school.

 

The coffee shop was okay for awhile, but something that pays better and makes me feel good about myself would be a huge improvement. Unlike when I first moved here, I'm able to concentrate a bit better now so I could probably do full-time, slightly challenging "intellectual" work.

 

Not going to get my hopes up though. I'm certainly qualified, but it's a big city, so there will be lots of applications, and they will be wary of taking someone who looks like they might go back to law school in several months. Plus I didn't apply for a specific job, just added my resume to a database.

 

Anyway, I'm glad I did it, but can't count my chickens before they hatch.

[Gunny376]

What you need is a renewed optimism and a clear sense of commitment on your part. With no letup. You need to make a commitment about the little things about your Life ~ on and off the field ~ with asute attention to detail. Its about being relinentless in the pursuit of your goal and resilent in the face of bad luck and advesity. Your oppoent in life should NEVER detemine you level of competive spirit.

 

Be resilect, its our resilency that allows us to overcome our own errors and mistakes.

 

We are responsible for what we create ~ not the other team!

 

Don't look at the scoreborad ~ all we ask that we dominate the other team for sixty minutes!

 

 

We simply focused on the process of becoming champions! Second by second, minute by minute, drill by drill in practice or one the field.

 

Nick Saban ~ Head Coach of the University of Alabama in his book "How Good Do You Want To Be? ~ A Champions's Tips on How To Lead and Succed At Work and in Life.

[tojaz]

Yes, I have been working at the pedestal thing. I've realized that where I thought there was communication in the relationship, I was the one doing all of it! She didn't volunteer suggestions to our issues, it was always me doing most of the talking, even when I asked her for her input.

 

Yes, she brought her own baggage into the relationship.

 

I guess the pictures and video just made me miss more physical things, like her smile and her presence. Reminded me of what she looked like, how happy she could be. I actually remember what it felt like to hold her and be held by her. Very sad. Didn't help that the video was black and white and silent...had an eerie and nostalgic quality to it.

 

Oh well. Was bound to happen. Hopefully one day I can look back more with fondness than regret and sadness.

 

Thank you for your thoughts this evening Tojaz. I've been following your recent thread by the way, I'm just shy with the input.

 

There are going to be things that trigger that sadness for quite awhile. Thats ok though. As long as you can find the strength to take your moment of sadness and move on. The memories are always there, but the sadness slowly becomes less and less.

 

Sounds like you had to put in most of the work in the relationship while she just enjoyed the ride. Keep that in mind.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

A "friend" of mine, who knows my situation and also knows the ex, asked if there were any "new developments in my love life."

 

I wanted to rip her head off. I'm f*cking heartbroken you idiot! I don't jump from relationship to relationship, and I couldn't care less about a new relationship at this point! People are so clueless. God she makes me angry.

 

Done ranting.

[tojaz]

A "friend" of mine, who knows my situation and also knows the ex, asked if there were any "new developments in my love life."

 

I wanted to rip her head off. I'm f*cking heartbroken you idiot! I don't jump from relationship to relationship, and I couldn't care less about a new relationship at this point! People are so clueless. God she makes me angry.

 

Done ranting.

 

SHB, I've been thinking a lot about perception lately. Had a major falling out with a dear friend because she didn't see things the way I had intended. Your friend could have meant that in a dozen different ways and I truly doubt any of them where how you took it. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Its so easy when were hurting to see everything in a bad light.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Please help

 

I have been hurting a lot the past couple of days. Quite teary and everything, blah blah blah, the usual for me. Today I woke up in such a funk, I just hammered out a letter to the ex about how used I felt for the last year of our relationship. The whole time I was just content to have her in my life, meanwhile she was planning her exit strategy.

 

Basically she was depressed a year ago, went on meds, finished school, got a job, a new car, made new friends, and then when she had her strength back, and was out of the depression, left me this summer when I was having an awful time with law school.

 

Anyway, it's quite a long letter, but these are all things that I never told her when we broke up because I was trying not to look pathetic or push her away even further. I think they are slowly eating at me, as I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I feel I've been wronged.

 

I haven't sent her any letters or emails since the split 4.5 months ago (except to ask that she hold onto photos). We are total NC, her decision I guess. On the one hand I have this burning desire to let her know that I'm devastated and that she used me and threw me away like a piece of trash, but on the other hand I still have this stupid hope of getting back together in the long run, and don't want to ruin it (yes, the chances are incredibly slim, but whatever).

 

Should I consider actually sending this one? I was hoping for some input...

 

Thank you for reading.

[tojaz]

SHB, I'm not going to say don't send it, I'm going to say don't send it NOW! File it away and when you get to missing her, pull it out and read it to yourself, use it as an anchor to keep you grounded. When you are truly over her and some time has passed, then if you still want her to know, then send it. She will be in a better position to hear your words then, and you won't be setting yourself up for false hope that it might change her mind. I have a dozen such letters written that I have always stopped short of sending.

TOJAZ

[liftedcj7on44s]

Ok I guess I have learned something about a women over this past weekend.

I talked to a 22 yr old female that left her husband only 2 weeks ago. She knows that she is hurting her ex husband, she knows he is angry and she knows he wants to get back up with her. They have a kid together and she is already out "having fun".

 

Anyway the letter thing. I talked with my wife friday night and she upset me bad i mean really bad. So here is the way i see things

 

Do you think it is fair for the female to identify and attack you with the problems you had without you attacking her about the problems she had??

 

I am telling you this, Do not attack her the way she is attacking you, but you need to let it be known that you will not take the B.S. from her, you will not play games.

 

I have always been told to not stoop to someone else's level but in some situations there is no choice because it is what they need. Now she will take it one of 2 ways. She will take it and be pissed off at you for a while or she will wake up and realize that you have feelings too and you are not going to continue to let them hurt you.

 

I know you say that you have been NC with her for a while. That is fine.

But you need to get your anger out, trust me you will feel 10 times better by getting your anger out there to her.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

I get this, I sent my ex such an angry letter before going NC with him and I have to say I have never regretted it, ever. I kept a copy and I still stand by everything I said and I'm glad that I took the oppurtunity to let him know that what he did to me was deplorable. Don't even know for sure he read it, but I am still glad I sent it.

 

Having said that, I still sometimes get the urge to send a one line text, particularly at the moment with this backslide I am going through. I sway between pathetic and crying, wanting him back and full on disgust and anger at how he treated me. The thing is though, even if I did send him something right now, do you think it would make the slightest bit of difference? He has decided he is justified in what he has done (he's deluded, by most peoples standards and it's no mean feat he has managed to sink that far into denial and projection), but he feels he is justified. If I were to tell him he wasn't, or about how he made me feel, all it would do in his eyes is confirm that he was right to leave me. Trust me on this, the NC will have more of an effect. She won't be able to help but wonder how you are.

 

There is something to be said for getting that anger out though, but if you do decide to send her something make it sound like you are thanking her for finally setting you free of her using and abusing ways, rather than you defending yourself (which you are perfectly justified to do, but will have no effect on her), she will just shrug such off as you being mad. In other words, think very carefully and long and hard about if you want to send something and how that something should be worded. (The one I sent took me over five hours to write, I kept rewriting it until I was certain it expressed how I felt, without me sounding like a doormat, like I said, 5 months later, no regrets).

 

I do feel those of us who are left are way to nice to the walk aways, mainly out of fear of damaging any chances at reconciliation, but you know what? They aren't here now, so that made no difference anyway. Think of yourself SHB, what is you need to do to start putting her behind you?

[liftedcj7on44s]

Exactly. I sat around for 3 months letting her tell me about all the things that i did wrong in the relationship, I took the abuse and it hurt me to no end but i did everything i could possibly do to try and be nice to her hoping that me being nice would make things better. It was not working and finally 2 nights ago she pushed me to my limit. She is now getting online begging me to talk to her and begging me to not ignore her.

[soheartbroken]

Thank you for the responses. I am holding off for now, but out of everything I have written, my urge to send this one is the strongest.

 

Lisa you're so right. We are too nice because we don't want to blow any chance, no matter how remote, at being together again. Since I'm not ready to let go of this hope, I am not quite ready to send the letter. But I desperately want her to see how she used me and threw me out with the trash...but like Lisa says, I don't want to come across as a delusional and angry SOB...because I know that I took a huge part in her leaving.

 

Well, I will sit on it for now, but I do have one more question: wouldn't it be better to send this now, and have her digest it, and maybe talk to me again one day, rather than send it for example at the one-year mark, where she will wonder why I'm not over her yet?

 

Ugh. I can't believe she NC'd me, rather than the other way around.

 

Thank you again.

 

P.S. I don't even think that she consciously planned on using me. Just looking back I can see that she accomplished all of her goals in the last year, and then left when I was at my lowest.