I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

Wow Lifted. I would give anything to have my ex begging me for anything. I so desperately want to be one of those dumpees whose ex comes crawling back. I would take this over winning the lottery. In fact, I would give almost anything for her just to initiate some sort of contact with me, to ask to be friends or something.

 

Difference with our situations is that my ex didn't blame me for things ending. She didn't give me any reason whatsoever. So this "angry" letter is not quite as much about me fighting back. It just expresses how upset I am that I haven't heard a word from her, and that I feel I was used for the better part of a year. I guess I'm fighting back in a way...

 

Thanks so much for your input though. It's always nice to hear from new people on my thread. Takes some of the burden off Tojaz!

[JLoves]

Just looking back I can see that she accomplished all of her goals in the last year, and then left when I was at my lowest.

 

This line is my life. We moved 'home' to the other side of the world because my W wasn't happy there, W lost weight and started going to the gym, we completed a few running events. Whats the last thing on the list? Oh yeah, get rid of my husband. (or in my case ILYBIDLY, and then pushing me to the point of giving her an ultimatum 9 months later)

 

I don't know whats worse though, leaving when you are at a low, or leaving when you think everything is getting better.

 

I personally would keep the letter and not send it.. If it's not going to help the situation, then don't do it.

[tojaz]

 

Thanks so much for your input though. It's always nice to hear from new people on my thread. Takes some of the burden off Tojaz!

 

LOL, I don't remember who, but someone PM'd me a link to a picture of Atlas for my next avatar awhile back. I guess i make the rounds. :rolleyes:

 

SHB, you asked about the timing of sending it, like it';s still a tactic to reclaim her. That can't be your goal anymore. This is about reclaiming you, that letter, while addressed to her, is for you. Thats the only way of looking at it. If at some point you decide to send it, thats fine, but let it be after you don't want her back anymore, so she knows your feelings are genuine. Not to hurt her, or to fight back, but maybe as a way to encourage her to look at herself and grow the way you are.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Good point TJ. I think I'm still too concerned about what she thinks and how she reacts to be able to send it. I need to be at a point where no matter her reaction, I can handle it. I don't want a response from it though, I just want to get it off my chest.

 

That's what I mean by I think I should wait until I have no more hope of being with her in order to send it. Will that day ever come where I don't pine for her? Who knows.

 

Thanks JLoves for your thoughts. Leaving sucks, no matter the timing. What I mean though is that I was personally at a low in my life, not really sure what I wanted to do, pretty down, and that's when she decided to leave. For example, she could have dumped me after I got my law degree, in which case I wouldn't be having this huge crisis of identity on top of being heartbroken.

 

I don't think the letter would help the situation I suppose. But I wonder, if like Lifted says, it would feel better to have this off my chest...

 

Oh well, will wait on it for now.

[soheartbroken]

I am starting a document with all the quotes that I find resonate with me the most on these forums.

 

I am not going to pig out on chocolate and candy next Saturday, but rather have popcorn and fruit and only a modest amount of chocolate.

 

I am going to at least try working out once this week. I have not been to a gym since the split because I have been too afraid to let out the energy that is inside of me.

 

I will at least try listening to music at some point in December, perhaps during a workout if I can get music onto an mp3 player. I have been too afraid to listen to music lest it provoke sad feelings in me.

 

I am going to invite my manager to an open-gym night. She is a huge stress-case and has taken out her anger on me, but instead of bad-mouthing her I will show her compassion because I think she is going through a tough time, similar to what a lot of us are going through here. Perhaps a basketball session will help her mood.

 

I am going to post two more resumes for jobs. If I don't get an interview I will try not to take it badly. I know I am qualified, but competition could be fierce and they will be wary of me returning to law school. Besides, in September I could very well return to school. The coffee shop job is only temporary....right?

 

And there goes my confidence...

 

If only I felt as strong in the morning as I do at night.

 

Okay. I need to back off my thread for a bit.

[JLoves]

Thanks JLoves for your thoughts. Leaving sucks, no matter the timing. What I mean though is that I was personally at a low in my life, not really sure what I wanted to do, pretty down, and that's when she decided to leave. For example, she could have dumped me after I got my law degree, in which case I wouldn't be having this huge crisis of identity on top of being heartbroken.

 

Well, when I got the ILYBIDLY it all came out.. 'I was going to leave when we moved countries, then my dad got ill, then christmas came, then this and this'.. in the end she decided to setup a timebomb by not replying properly to a 'do you love me question' until she had to answer no.

 

Those things hurt. She had been planning to leave for a long time but didn't have the bottle to do it. In the end I triggered it. (after she snogged a friend in our house *with* me here)

 

But anyway, thats my story..

 

The list you made sounds like a good start.. Just make sure you keep to actually doing it rather than talking about it. (*cough* guilty *cough*)

 

Going to the gym is a good idea, it at least gets you out into the real world. I'm finding it good, although it's probably the 3 yr contract I signed thats keeping me walking out the door and going. I think its having a good effect and making me feel better.

 

Post in your thread as much as you like. Other people want to know how you are doing. We are all in the same boat and have ups and downs. We do care how you are doing. Even random internet strangers care.

[liftedcj7on44s]

I suggest to send the letter ASAP. This break-up for me is my first. I have had maybe 3 relationships total in my life and I am 28 years old. Reading what other's have gone through has only made me realize 1 thing. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT SHE DOES. Whether you send the letter or not you are more than likely going to get the same outcome. Once a women has it set in her mind that she is done with the relationship then there really is not much you can do to try to win her back. The only thing that you can do to win her back is work on yourself. Let her know you will not tolerate any BS from her, stand up to her. You do not have to be hateful about it but dont be submissive about it either. Once you come to grips that you can only control you then you will realize that if she wants to come back to you she will.

Do you know the serenity prayer? If you dont then read it, read it every morning when you wake up and read it everytime you go to bed.

 

Serenity prayer-

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. Amen.

 

 

Only you can help you!

[Gunny376]

First let me say that I'm going to try really extra hard to be sensistive to where your at right now, while still getting my point across.

 

But I have to qualify that I'm "Gunny" and Gunny's aren't the most sensitive type of individuals.

 

Writing the letter? Good idea!!

 

Sending the letter? Bad idea.

 

Why?

 

It achieves nothing, accomplishes nothing, un-does nothing, changes nothing, really in the whole scheme of things makes you feel any better.

 

It falls under the same category as arguing with a hog? It accomplishes nothing ~ and only serves to annoy the hog.

 

I live in a university town, and I've seen and heard it a million times if I seen it once. People that hook up with other students while in their in college earning their degree, and once they earned it, have their dream job ~ move on to bigger and better things and a new circle of friends and influence.

 

That you could look at this any number of different ways? They used and abused the other party ~ they outgrew the relationship ~ they themselves have change while the other party hasn't ~ you've change while they haven't ~ on and on.

 

Whatever the reason its over, and the hard fact of the matter is if she cared you wouldn't be posting here now? And the cold hard fact of the matter is that she doesn't care.

 

One of the hardesst things I had trouble accepting is that 'she' (aka my X) has other things and other people on her mind ~ and that I fell pretty much at the bottom of the list.

 

You've cone a long way SHB ~ you just don't know. As a general rule you need to give your six months to greive for evey year you were together.

 

Your still riding that roller-coaster from hell, and the fact of the matter is that your just going to "Get in, sit down, shut up, hang on, and white knuckle this SOB to the end."

 

Its your commitment and consistency day-to-day that's going to get you through this. Commitment and consistency on a day-to-day basis. A commitment to accepting your own peronsal responsibility for your happiness.

 

"Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" Abe Lincoln (Who by the way was married to the bi-polar crazy bitch from hell!)

 

That's something that I have to work on each and every single day. Taking my own personal responsibility for my own personal happiness.

 

Its not your job, nor TJ's job to make me happy! Its not Lakeside Dreams job! Its not anyone else's job ~ but mine!

 

People come and people go throughout our lives. There's no one monkey that makes a show, (not to imply disrespect ~ a quote from a Van Morrission song)

 

Lets say what went down ~ didn't go down? Lets say you and she were still at the high point of your relationship, but you lost her because of an accident, 9-11, whatever ~you lost her?

 

Would you grive any less? Would you greive any more?

 

And your greiving ~ and your going through the grieving process.

 

One minute your sad, and crying and the next your angry.

 

From what you've posted since you've joined LS? Tells me you've got a lot of love to give to the right person. For someone to care as much as you do? Means you've a really hugh heart for the right someone and for all of us.

 

I remember speaking to my 96 year old Great-Grandmother when I was sixteen. I said ~ "I bet you've learned and know alot about people having lived 96 years?"

 

To which she replied, "I've learned more the last six years than the other ninety put together!"

 

Had I known thirty years ago what I know now? I don't think I would be divorced. And Bill Gates along with the rest of the billionaires wouldn't have anything on me.

 

But I didn't ~ and I don't.

 

It really comes down to the definition of "IF"

 

If grasshoppers had Colt .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't mess with them! But they don't and so Crows have them for breakfast!

 

That is to say quit "I could've, should've, would've" yourself.

 

Again!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

You did your best at the time!

 

You gave your best at the time!

 

You were your best at the time!

 

The only thing that is different now?

 

Is your better than you were then.

 

The only thing X's do in leaving us?

 

Is make us better, stronger for the next one.

 

Pain is weakness leaving the body!

 

The letter the X should be getting is from you next SO!

 

"Dear ___________________

 

Thank you so much for using and abusing SHB! Thank you for leaving her!

 

Your doing so tempered her! Made her stronger, resolute, made her look within herself! Made her a much stronger and better person and lover.

 

Thank you for the Gift of a person that has become my Soul Mate!

 

My Life Mate~!

 

She's out there! Not get busy finding her!

[tojaz]

You've cone a long way SHB ~ you just don't know. As a general rule you need to give your six months to greive for evey year you were together.

Gunny, I hope thats a typo! That means lonely old Tojaz is going to have another 6 YEARS before hes fit for a woman! :eek: Thats depressing in so many ways!

 

"Dear ___________________

 

Thank you so much for using and abusing SHB! Thank you for leaving her!

 

Your doing so tempered her! Made her stronger, resolute, made her look within herself! Made her a much stronger and better person and lover.

 

Thank you for the Gift of a person that has become my Soul Mate!

 

My Life Mate~!

 

She's out there! Not get busy finding her!

 

SHB, I love this letter! It is all so true. The experiences in our life, make us who we are, the good and the bad. Once the pain passes and you can look back, your going to see how much you have gained from all this. Knowledge, understanding, a better relationship with yourself. Me? I wouldn't be the man I am had I not been with my wife, but I wouldn't be Dr. TOJAZ if she hadn't left either. In the end, as much as I miss her, love her, and backslide sometimes, I gained a hell of a lot more then I lost, and being here has shown me that there are other women out there that are capable of loving me closer to the way I want to be loved and deserve to be loved. Be it her or someone else, i'm not settling for anything less anymore. Neither should you!

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I hope thats a typo! That means lonely old Tojaz is going to have another 6 YEARS before hes fit for a woman! :eek: Thats depressing in so many ways!

 

 

 

SHB, I love this letter! It is all so true. The experiences in our life, make us who we are, the good and the bad. Once the pain passes and you can look back, your going to see how much you have gained from all this. Knowledge, understanding, a better relationship with yourself. Me? I wouldn't be the man I am had I not been with my wife, but I wouldn't be Dr. TOJAZ if she hadn't left either. In the end, as much as I miss her, love her, and backslide sometimes, I gained a hell of a lot more then I lost, and being here has shown me that there are other women out there that are capable of loving me closer to the way I want to be loved and deserve to be loved. Be it her or someone else, I'm not settling for anything less anymore. Neither should you!

TOJAZ

 

Six years for complete and total recovery? I would say that's about right ~ if there's ever such a thing.

 

A good 80 to 90 % of the recovery takes place within the first year or so, the other 10% over the course of the next six years ~ actually the rest of your life.

 

Forever more your going to have moments of introspection and "WTF" moments the rest of your life.

 

And that's really all they've done is set us down the path of "self improvement" and for most (but sadly not all) creating a better person and mate for the next SO in our lives.

 

You'll change what you can ~ accept the rest. What seemingly started out as a horrible journey ~ can eventually turn to a adventure of self discovery and improvement if one is willing to embrace it.

 

dggril and PSWX and lumpa are really good examples. I believe trippi is headed in that direction ~ as are you tojaz.

[soheartbroken]

Well, as per my last post, I worked out today. Felt good.

 

Also posted two more resumes.

[soheartbroken]

UPDATE

 

I've had a few days recently where I've felt really motivated; motivated to work out, volunteer, write (both journaling and exercises that have been recommended), read, learn, and even go to church (not religious, haven't gone yet, but looking into it)!

 

But man, this morning I really got hit hard. My mornings are pretty rough in general, but I was really freaking out about where I'm going with my life. I don't have much choice but to go back to law school in September, but I have to decide where. I'm starting to think about having a career and I'm feeling really hopeless and helpless to shape my own future. Feels like my course in life is charted for me instead of me charting it myself.

 

And when I get even the least bit stressed, it just snowballs into thinking about my ex, and how things would be so much easier if she were around. I mean, I wouldn't care so much that my future was up in the air if I still had her to come home to, know what I mean? Like I could do anything with her by my side. But now it's just me.

 

And I've also started to think about future relationships (not that I'm anywhere near ready for one - no one can even come close to measuring up to my ex at this point), and just how damn HARD they are to maintain! Does anyone else feel like this? Like I'm doing so much learning and therapy and the next person who comes along just isn't going to understand how much work and communication the relationship will take.

 

I mean, no one in the 26-30 range is going to GET me, and where I'm coming from.

 

So things are just looking bleak. I'm starting to see much more loss and disappointment and disillusionment in my future.

 

I'm feeling a bit better tonight, but these are the types of thoughts that I'm having to wake up to and deal with. Pretty depressing and overwhelming.

 

But, something tells me to carry on.

[GoodDad]

Carry on my friend.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sounds like your doing real good, but dont measure any man against your ex, that isnt fair to anyone. I hate when chicks do that. they never give themselves a chance at a good thing because that subconsciously ruins it.

 

You sound awesome though, not as anguished as before.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks CB. That means a lot to me. And I plan to remain single until I DON'T measure anyone against my ex (anymore than is humanly possible), so don't worry!

 

And thank you GoodDad. Nice to see a new poster.

[ryepatch]

just caught up on your thread, bb. i think you're doing good. compared to me. anyway, i still see the sparrows at my coffeeshop, and think of you. it's cold here (58 fahrenheit), and windy, and cloudy. almost too cold to sit outside. but i still see you as a role model. i am more f***ed up than you, to be sure. i wish i could let go to the extent you have. . .

 

i think you're a wonderful person, and you're going to make some girl happy as hell someday. (only wish i was her.)

 

i'm proud of you. we all are.

 

i've had a lot of gin and tonics tonight though. . .

[soheartbroken]

First snowfall of the season. Nice but sad.

 

I really want a second chance. I have this fantasy that she will get in touch saying she misses me and made a mistake. This is hellish.

 

On the other hand, I'm mad at the way she ended things and at some of the things she did.

 

But I would still take her back. SIGH.

[TaraMaiden]

First snowfall of the season. Nice but sad.

No snow here, just wet, cold, damp grey, dull, and yuk.

 

I really want a second chance. I have this fantasy that she will get in touch saying she misses me and made a mistake. This is hellish.

This is you needing her to need you.

That need of yours, that dependency? This is what is crying right now.

 

 

On the other hand, I'm mad at the way she ended things and at some of the things she did.

And this is the healthier option.

This is what you should be straining to release. This is what needs addressing... this is what you should be listening to.

 

But I would still take her back. SIGH.

That's because you are still under the illusion that you need her......

[soheartbroken]

No snow here, just wet, cold, damp grey, dull, and yuk.

 

This is you needing her to need you.

That need of yours, that dependency? This is what is crying right now.

 

 

And this is the healthier option.

This is what you should be straining to release. This is what needs addressing... this is what you should be listening to.

 

 

That's because you are still under the illusion that you need her......

 

Actually I just miss her. I miss all the things we shared together. The little moments of happiness, the closeness.

 

I just really can't believe it's all gone.

 

How can she not miss these things too?

[tnttim]

I am reconcilling with my wife right now. I can defintely help you. You have to get off your ass and live your new life. She doesn't want something she knows she can have easily. Your being too easy to get. Go out and find a pretty girl, your in law school it should be easy. NC with your ex is a must. If you do see her or talk to her, act happy. It may seem weird but play hard to get. If you talk, you end the conversation. If you see her, you end the meeting. She will think you have moved on and it will slowly eat away at her. Ask yourself how you felt when she moved on, it works both ways. You should have an easy time with this. Write down all the things she did when it made you feel horrible about the break up. Then you do the things to her that she did to you, and viola she will miss you. Another thing is you can't rush time, I tried. You can't tempt fate, I tried. You have to have faith, in everything. I did it, you can too. Keep fighting the good fight, stay positive and read some books about self change.

[TaraMaiden]

How can she not miss these things too?

If she's with someone else, she doesn't need to...

if she isn't - then the reason she left was that they weren't enough to keep her there....

SHB, really - you're asking pointless questions really, aren't you?

 

The only point these questions have, are to receive answers that unfortunately, will actually serve to feed your pain, not dissipate it.

 

Remember what I advised about changing your thought patterns?

Watching the way your mind weaves, and altering the course?

 

Have you tried that?

[LisaUk]

just caught up on your thread, bb. i think you're doing good. compared to me. anyway, i still see the sparrows at my coffeeshop, and think of you. it's cold here (58 fahrenheit), and windy, and cloudy. almost too cold to sit outside. but i still see you as a role model. i am more f***ed up than you, to be sure. i wish i could let go to the extent you have. . .

 

i think you're a wonderful person, and you're going to make some girl happy as hell someday. (only wish i was her.)

 

i'm proud of you. we all are.

 

i've had a lot of gin and tonics tonight though. . .

 

Rye, was just thinking about you yesterday, haven't "seen" you here in a while, was wondering if you were ok? Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Post, maybe it will help?

 

Actually I just miss her. I miss all the things we shared together. The little moments of happiness, the closeness.

 

I just really can't believe it's all gone.

 

How can she not miss these things too?

 

SHB, she doesn't miss them (or she does but she pushes it aside) b/c she is so focused on her reasons for leaving. She will have to dela with it one day, everyone does. Look at the cheaters who come crawling back around once the AP has gone. Same thing, she may not come back, but it will hit her, one day.

 

I am reconcilling with my wife right now. I can defintely help you. You have to get off your ass and live your new life. She doesn't want something she knows she can have easily. Your being too easy to get. Go out and find a pretty girl, your in law school it should be easy. NC with your ex is a must. If you do see her or talk to her, act happy. It may seem weird but play hard to get. If you talk, you end the conversation. If you see her, you end the meeting. She will think you have moved on and it will slowly eat away at her. Ask yourself how you felt when she moved on, it works both ways. You should have an easy time with this. Write down all the things she did when it made you feel horrible about the break up. Then you do the things to her that she did to you, and viola she will miss you. Another thing is you can't rush time, I tried. You can't tempt fate, I tried. You have to have faith, in everything. I did it, you can too. Keep fighting the good fight, stay positive and read some books about self change.

 

I'm pleased to hear you are reconciling with your w, but unfortunately it doesn't happen for all of us, even when we have done evertything you have.

 

I have been NC for over 7 months with my ex and not a dicky bird from him, nada, nothing. It's not as simple as that, he obviously doesn't miss me, he has no clue if I am even alive or dead, we were together 18 years and he didn't even send me a birthday card.

 

You say treat him as he treated me, how? He isn't around to see it? I am going out, I'm in law school as well as SHB (although she goes back September), he doesn't know I am in grad school, he doesn't know I go out bar hopping with people in their early 20's, he doesn't know that I got hit on the other night, he doesn't know that a 21 year old 3rd year law student has a thinks I'm hot! (Neither did I, until someone told me the other day for that matter). (I'm 34 by the way).

 

Do you see what I am saying? How would any of this effect his feelings when he can't know? Not that that is my purpose in enjoying myself or furthering my life, that's for me.

[soheartbroken]

I am reconcilling with my wife right now. I can defintely help you. You have to get off your ass and live your new life. She doesn't want something she knows she can have easily. Your being too easy to get. Go out and find a pretty girl, your in law school it should be easy. NC with your ex is a must. If you do see her or talk to her, act happy. It may seem weird but play hard to get. If you talk, you end the conversation. If you see her, you end the meeting. She will think you have moved on and it will slowly eat away at her. Ask yourself how you felt when she moved on, it works both ways. You should have an easy time with this. Write down all the things she did when it made you feel horrible about the break up. Then you do the things to her that she did to you, and viola she will miss you. Another thing is you can't rush time, I tried. You can't tempt fate, I tried. You have to have faith, in everything. I did it, you can too. Keep fighting the good fight, stay positive and read some books about self change.

 

The problem is we are so completely into NC, that she won't hear about or see anything that I do. Thanks though. Gotta do everything for myself at this point. She ain't coming back.

[LisaUk]

Sorry to thread jack SHB, I tried to edit, to add that, but you had posted, we must have been posting at the same time! LOL

[soheartbroken]

If she's with someone else, she doesn't need to...

if she isn't - then the reason she left was that they weren't enough to keep her there....

SHB, really - you're asking pointless questions really, aren't you?

 

The only point these questions have, are to receive answers that unfortunately, will actually serve to feed your pain, not dissipate it.

 

Remember what I advised about changing your thought patterns?

Watching the way your mind weaves, and altering the course?

 

Have you tried that?

 

I use this forum sometimes just to vent, which this morning included talking about the hurt that I was feeling at the thought that I had to bear the painful burden of all our happy memories.

 

It only takes milliseconds for these questions to pop up...today I thought I'd share them.

 

These questions aren't really meant to be answered. The answer is actually that no one but her knows what she's thinking.

 

So how would you, personally, change this thought pattern?

 

I think we all wonder these things and ask ourselves these questions sometimes.