I'm in so much pain, and so

[soheartbroken]

I've been trying to fight but I just can't today. Feels like I've gone back to weeks ago.

 

She said she would never break up with me again (after she did one year ago), that she didn't want to hurt me like that again. And then she did. I just can't get over it.

 

And I can't stand not knowing if she left for this other person. But I still think it's better that I don't know. Even looking at the cat, I'm suddenly reminded of tonnes of things I must have been repressing up until now.

 

I just can't get out of this hole, and I feel like I'll be in it forever. I'm overwhelmed by memories and sadness.

[lupa]

I've been trying to fight but I just can't today. Feels like I've gone back to weeks ago.

 

She said she would never break up with me again (after she did one year ago), that she didn't want to hurt me like that again. And then she did. I just can't get over it.

 

And I can't stand not knowing if she left for this other person. But I still think it's better that I don't know. Even looking at the cat, I'm suddenly reminded of tonnes of things I must have been repressing up until now.

 

I just can't get out of this hole, and I feel like I'll be in it forever. I'm overwhelmed by memories and sadness.

All I can say to you is that you will get better with time. Each and every passing second feels like an eternity for quite awhile, but even that goes away. I was able to rely on friends and family, and still it is on my mind all the time...but it doesn't hurt like it did, now it is just a hole in the middle of me.

 

can you get out of the house at all right now? Is there someone you can go see?

 

That's what you need to do, like right now. Get out, find someone you can talk to, even if you say the same thing over and over and over.

 

You can do it. You can find the strength.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for all your posting today Lupa. I hope that hole in you goes away (as much as possible). I've kind of exhausted my friends and family by now.

 

Today just feels like a day where I have to go through the pain, not around it. Problem with going through is that it feels neverending, like you said.

 

I guess I'm not looking for advice, just want to know that this is normal and surmountable. Do people get this, this wave after wave of memory accompanied by sadness? It's like I'm hypersensitive to anything in my environment that reminds me of her. I can't even explain it right...I just want to sleep...except that I'm having multiple disturbing dreams every night now.

[lupa]

Thanks for all your posting today Lupa. I hope that hole in you goes away (as much as possible). I've kind of exhausted my friends and family by now.

 

Today just feels like a day where I have to go through the pain, not around it. Problem with going through is that it feels neverending, like you said.

 

I guess I'm not looking for advice, just want to know that this is normal and surmountable. Do people get this, this wave after wave of memory accompanied by sadness? It's like I'm hypersensitive to anything in my environment that reminds me of her. I can't even explain it right...I just want to sleep...except that I'm having multiple disturbing dreams every night now.

well, the only way I got to sleep was copious amounts of alcohol, and then I went to the doctor and he prescribed some powerful stuff.

 

I stopped taking the medicine recently, and I really don't need to drink to fall asleep anymore, but yeah, for awhile there I couldn't do anything but cry and be a puddle on the floor.

 

Like I said, it will take time, but know that the feeling that each ticking second is an eternity goes away. Where you are is normal, but on some level you need to keep moving.

[soheartbroken]

It's funny how two days ago I was looking forward to the activities I would join, was thinking about going back to school in January. That seems like ages ago.

 

Today I just don't want to come out of my cave.

 

I don't think I'll ever go back to school at this rate, and will just be some huge failure, pining after her and wallowing in regret and uncertainty until I decide to end it all, for good.

[lupa]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

 

A self-indulgent pity party is fine for the short term, but believe me when I tell you that no other human being is worth hurting yourself over.

 

I'm not kidding, you gotta get yourself outside. Find someone, a friend, tell them you don't want to be alone right now...let's snap you out of this!

[soheartbroken]

Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt myself anytime soon. I'm giving "time" it's chance to work. It's just not working fast enough.

 

I have family home now so it could be worse.

[ryepatch]

It's funny how two days ago I was looking forward to the activities I would join, was thinking about going back to school in January. That seems like ages ago.

 

Today I just don't want to come out of my cave.

 

I don't think I'll ever go back to school at this rate, and will just be some huge failure, pining after her and wallowing in regret and uncertainty until I decide to end it all, for good.

 

when i feel this way (which is most of the time) i just think i got to get through today, tonight, even if tomorrow seems the same and it seems like no progress has been made. i'm trying to stay alive for miracles. they could happen any time, good luck sometimes happens when you don't expect it, but you gotta still be there, hanging in, for the good stuff which one day has gotta happen. it could be meeting someone new, or it could be her suddenly changing her mind, or it could be finding a hundred dollar bill on the street.

 

that being said, i feel the same way, don't want to come out of my cave, haunted by dreams. i haven't even been able to move out of our house.

 

definitely look into antidepressants. they've started to make a small difference for me, i'm seeing my dr today to up the dose. at least i'm starting to think a little bit clearer, been able to be alone with my thoughts a little bit more.

[tojaz]

It's funny how two days ago I was looking forward to the activities I would join, was thinking about going back to school in January. That seems like ages ago.

 

Today I just don't want to come out of my cave.

 

I don't think I'll ever go back to school at this rate, and will just be some huge failure, pining after her and wallowing in regret and uncertainty until I decide to end it all, for good.

 

NOT THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your better then this SHB, your stronger! I know you are, but you need to make the decision to be. Do you want to get out of this or dont you? You've read my thread, you know I was where you are. Nothing changed for me until i decided that it wasn't going to beat me. I loved her, I loved being married, and i loved my life, but it wasn't all that I am. I do not and will not define myself by who I'm with! Neither should you. Tough and harsh and very unlike my usual posts, but it's decision time. You can become a flameout and live your life in a pit of despair over the break-up, or worse!!, OR You can ride the rollercoaster, take the ups with the downs and see the rest of us on the other side! I think we BOTH know what you want, otherwise I wouldn't bother ranting at you everyday. She Aint worth the pain your putting yourself through. NOBODY IS!

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Ok. Please everyone disregard the "ending it all for good" portion of the post.

 

My point was just that I can't take this rollercoaster ride forever. I want to see an ending in sight. It's hard to handle when there's no guarantee that it will end!

[tojaz]

Good to know, but the advice is still valid. It will end! Yo just have to be strong enought o finish the ride. YOU ARE!!!

TOJAZ

[singledad2]

Okay, time to get back on the plan. What is the strategy? Let's get you back on YOUR journey. What are you doing for yourself? Get community around you. You gotta know the man upstairs has that plan for you if you will push through this and learn what you need to learn to get to the next level. Stay with the things that will better yourself. Go volunteer to serve at the local soup kitchen so you can remind yourself how many good things in your life there are. And remember all the folks at out here on LS that care.

[soheartbroken]

Yup, Singledad, volunteering is next on my list!

 

Thanks for the support today Tojaz, Ryepatch, and especially Lupa.

[hopeful26]

I signed up for an account on here when I was 26 (she ran off then) and I turn 29 next month. Yikes.

 

I may not be the wisest person on here, I may not be able to offer you the ultimate solution, but I can GUARANTEE I know how you feel, holy hell do I. And for me sometimes just a little sympathy helped, just knowing that I wasn't alone in the way I felt. Anyway, I'm routing for you man. You are far from alone.

 

I thought I was going to die then, honestly, but here I am today a much stronger person, and you will be too! The grief comes and goes, better and worse some days. After a while (took a damn long while for me) it just kinda gets easier. Next thing you know it just kinda fades into memory. The only thing I can promise you is that IT WILL GET EASIER. Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time! <--- I had to do that.

 

It gives me the shivers just thinking about how badly it hurt, how my mind was just completely wasted - sobbing one minute, angry the next, guilty after that. Yikes. I didn't even resemble a shell of my former self for the first few months. I can't sympathize enough man. It helped me a lot to post here though, lots of good people with really great advice.

 

I'll never forget the experience, though -- it fundamentally changed me as a person.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for taking the time to post that Hopeful. It means a lot to me, gives me some hope. I know I can't rush the process, but I sure want to be back on my feet so that I can make a sane and rational decision about going back to school!

 

I hear you though, one minute at a time...and yes, this has already fundamentally changed me as a person.

 

What brings you back to the forum?

[Gunny376]

Thanks for taking the time to post that Hopeful. It means a lot to me, gives me some hope. I know I can't rush the process, but I sure want to be back on my feet so that I can make a sane and rational decision about going back to school!

 

I hear you though, one minute at a time...and yes, this has already fundamentally changed me as a person.

 

What brings you back to the forum?

 

You may not believe it?

 

But your sounding much stronger than your initial post! Very much stronger!

 

All day stronger! All day strong!

 

Your gaining strength within yourself!

 

Granted your pulling yourself up by your 'boot-strings' ~ but your gettting stonger in who you are.

 

Your helping Lisa, and many others, your a loving and giving soul!

 

Your a 'harden" soul!

 

You've got a lot to give to others to include this old Gunny!

[soheartbroken]

Sorry to burst your bubble Gunny, but...

 

Up until the last two weeks or so I've been grieving I think. But I'm coming to the realization that I'm falling into an actual depression, and I'm losing the fight.

 

I always thought I was mentally strong, never having been on anti-depressants in my life or anything, and there is no history of it in my immediate family to my knowledge.

 

But the cracks in the seams are starting to show. I'm really down almost all the time now (well, the past three days) -- even when I'm not consciously thinking of my ex -- getting only a little bit of relief in the evenings. Most of the time I have no interest in doing anything, though I'm still trying to sign up for sports and stuff. Doing small things is becoming difficult. I'm afraid to do some things lest they remind me of her.

 

I walked my brother to school this morning, then walked around, stopped at a park, and journaled a bit. Then walked to get bagels. Being up and walking did not help my mood and I've just come home and cried.

 

My professor has offered me some work (still waiting for confirmation), but it actually terrifies me and I wish I hadn't asked him for work in the first place. I signed up for basketball last night but I'm not excited to play, and I turned down having a drink with some people at the registration pub.

 

I feel lousy, hopeless and helpless at LOT of the time now. My thoughts seem to spiral downward from the breakup until the point that I feel overwhelmed.

 

The worst part is, the worse I get, the less likely I will ever be able to show my face around her again. Yes, I would like to speak to her again one day, but that becomes less and less likely the worse I get.

 

It's been two months since the breakup, and almost one month of No contact. I have not tapped into any anger, which I'm sure is a part or symptom of the problem. I blame myself and I still care about her.

 

Has anyone been here before after two months? Getting worse instead of better? Thoughts would be appreciated. I'm trying to stay off the anti-depressants for now.

 

I guess my thread from now on should be titled "Me vs. Depression". I'm going to try to write what I'm going through every day in case it helps someone else.

[lupa]

Sorry to burst your bubble Gunny, but...

 

Up until the last two weeks or so I've been grieving I think. But I'm coming to the realization that I'm falling into an actual depression, and I'm losing the fight.

 

I always thought I was mentally strong, never having been on anti-depressants in my life or anything, and there is no history of it in my immediate family to my knowledge.

 

But the cracks in the seams are starting to show. I'm really down almost all the time now (well, the past three days) -- even when I'm not consciously thinking of my ex -- getting only a little bit of relief in the evenings. Most of the time I have no interest in doing anything, though I'm still trying to sign up for sports and stuff. Doing small things is becoming difficult. I'm afraid to do some things lest they remind me of her.

 

I walked my brother to school this morning, then walked around, stopped at a park, and journaled a bit. Then walked to get bagels. Being up and walking did not help my mood and I've just come home and cried.

 

My professor has offered me some work (still waiting for confirmation), but it actually terrifies me and I wish I hadn't asked him for work in the first place. I signed up for basketball last night but I'm not excited to play, and I turned down having a drink with some people at the registration pub.

 

I feel lousy, hopeless and helpless at LOT of the time now. My thoughts seem to spiral downward from the breakup until the point that I feel overwhelmed.

 

The worst part is, the worse I get, the less likely I will ever be able to show my face around her again. Yes, I would like to speak to her again one day, but that becomes less and less likely the worse I get.

 

It's been two months since the breakup, and almost one month of No contact. I have not tapped into any anger, which I'm sure is a part or symptom of the problem. I blame myself and I still care about her.

 

Has anyone been here before after two months? Getting worse instead of better? Thoughts would be appreciated. I'm trying to stay off the anti-depressants for now.

 

I guess my thread from now on should be titled "Me vs. Depression". I'm going to try to write what I'm going through every day in case it helps someone else.

SHB, I offer no solution to you, no advice. Instead I'll say this -- you will get better, the situation will get better. What you are going through (and the same goes for a lot of the rest of us here) is the reason there is great poetry, music, art in the world. You loved, truly, deeply, unconditionally, and now a part of who you are has just been destroyed. But you, like the rest of us, have a fighter in there somewhere. It takes different things to bring it out...I leaned hard on my family and friends, and now have no idea how to repay them. But somewhere along the way a piece of me turned back on, and the fighter woke up. mine is still stumbling around, trying to find footing, and half the time I'm still anxious and unhappy, but I know the fire is in there.

 

You have a fire, dormant in your belly. You can love unconditionally, you can put your heart so far out there that you cannot get it all back if it goes bad...you feel things so incredibly deeply and wholly. This makes you a good person, and one worthy of love.

 

It will get better, your fighter will wake up. When it does, you can walk through life knowing that you have loved, lost, learned, grown, and you have a good soul.

 

Smile once for me while reading this...and know that with time you're going to be fine.

[soheartbroken]

Wow. My mood is so up and down today my head is spinning. One second I feel hopeless and helpless, the next I'm signing up for some boxing classes!

[Gunny376]

Your know it are not?

 

Are moving on ~ just by moving!

 

Your active!

 

Your going through the motions of living!

 

Your tougher than you realize and acknowledge to yourself!

 

You don't know what to do, but your moving on "Bright Eyes!"

 

I know its painful, I really do.

 

But you are getting better and I know this through your posts.

 

From them your so much better and stronger than from your initial posts!

 

You see yourself as having crawled inches ~ but I know having gone through what you're going through? That you've covered miles and miles!

[Gunny376]

The first cut us is the deepest!

 

Just to clear it so as such!

[tojaz]

Has anyone been here before after two months? Getting worse instead of better? Thoughts would be appreciated. I'm trying to stay off the anti-depressants for now.

 

SHB, I was there after two months, three, four. Even now, I have my depression days. You've read my thread, well I found LS almost a full month after the bomb dropped, you can see the timeline if you like.

 

I have to tell the truth that there are going to be good days and bad for quite awhile. Some say it takes years. The only thing is that slowly you start to realize that there are more good days then bad. You are still very early in the process, and it's going to be hard for awhile, but you get stronger with every post. When it's good, enjoy it, when it's bad, come to LS and let us support you through the bad times. Thats what were here for!

TOJAZ

[singledad2]

Staying off the anit-depressants?

 

I have never taken them myself before either, but the fact of the matter was that I AM depressed. Its called situational depression. When I found myself getting so low that I heard a thought in my head about making sure my affairs were in order, I first took some St.Jonn's Wort extract from the nutrition store and it really seemed to make a difference in my outlook. Now I take a different pill at bedtime for sleep/anti-depression prescribed by my primary care physician. My attitude is much better, and I am much more functional. This is not a forever kind of thing, and not addictive. I think its okay to take and I sleep at least 6 or 7 hours straight each night. Alot of this is from fatigue and your brain needs some nutrition too function properly.

[WSeeker]

@soheartbroken

 

i,ve been reading this thread for quite a while and im very sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed. My gf broke up with me and im feeling very similar so i,ll try to help u with some advice. These are some of my thoughts that helped me through tough times after my break up which was about 1,5 months ago.

 

You need to stop your obsesive thinking about your ex. Don't replay the painful situations over and over again in your mind, searching for an answer. Because u cannot sort out your emotions with logic.

 

If your pain becomes unbearable, you must distance yourself from your ex completely and(this may sound a little stupid, but it helped me) pray for her. Pray that your ex will be granted all of the health, wealth, joy and happiness you wish for yourself. You must not hold any grudge against your ex. A lot of people hate their exes 'cause of the break up. You mustn't hate your ex because often does hatred hurt by itself. If u forgive her for everything you're angry with her(if u are) u'll start feeling better i promise you.

 

Realize that you ex is just a human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you go deeper, you will realize your ex may also be a very hurt and scared person, even if they seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. By being aware of the fact that your ex has a set of issues to deal with on their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with compassion and understanding.

 

And believe me i know how you fell my ex broke up with me while i was sitting on my bed so every time i go to sleep i remember her. Thinking of your ex constantly is just too painfull.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

Daily update: I'm traveling to my dad's this weekend to pick up some stuff that I will be needing in the next few months (yes, the dad that I got in a huge fight with. I'm going during the day to avoid seeing him).

 

Seeing all my old things (furniture, belongings, clothes) stored away in my dad's basement is going to be very traumatic. Probably no way to prepare myself for it. Will likely go into "zombie" mode.

 

This morning was rough. Was hurting quite a bit. Barraged with little memories all day (like being punched/stabbed in the stomach 100s of times; I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about), but managed to not fall in as deep a funk as yesterday. The hurting was over memories of the ex, but not the overwhelming "what is going on with my life" type thinking.

 

Soooo...I fought off the overwhelming/hopeless thoughts so far today. Have been reading up on depression and boy do I have ALL the negative thought patterns that contribute to it. It was a struggle though, I can't lie.

 

May or may not be able to update tomorrow, cause I'm out of town. But the battle continues.