I'm in so much pain, and so

[PWSX3]

soheartbroken, I hope you aren't just setting around. If I read it right you don't watch TV, you don't listen to the radio, etc. so I hope you are out and about.

 

The one thing I have learned is, you need to get out & meet new people. Yes it is very hard to do at first but if you set around & feel sorry for yourself it will just get worse.

 

Start by just going to the store & walk around & look at things. Just be around people. Then when you are comfortable with that go to like the grocery store & pretend you don't know about something someone is looking at & ask them a question. What brand is better then the other. Do you know what apple is sweater then the other, etc.....

 

It just gets you back talking to people at a slow pace...

 

Glad to hear you are still in counseling & playing on the weekend......

 

Keep posting & don't EVER feel sorry to come back to LS.....

[soheartbroken]

Hey PWSX3.

 

I guess I do a mixture of sitting around and getting out. I actually started a pie chart of how I fill my time so that I can set some goals.

 

At my job I'm surrounded by people for hours, greeting people and making small talk, getting to know the staff at the coffee shop.

 

I go for long walks some evenings with my mom. I hit up the library every week, but I guess I don't talk to many people except when I check out books!

 

I hang out with my older brother once a week, and I go to the Separation and Divorce class that I mentioned. I'm on the subway a lot, so I'm around people. I tried a meetup group (like Tojaz suggested), but it didn't work out. And the basketball and hockey...wish those were more than once a week.

 

I could be doing more, because I do spend a lot of time sitting around (I listen to audiobooks and play solitaire instead of tv). I guess my fears hold me back, and the pain. I'm the type that finds it hard to fake being happy when I'm not. I'm pretty shy too, though I made strides on that in law school.

 

So ya, if you watched me all day you'd say I sit around too much. I'm working on it I guess, although this latest development has set me back.

 

Gonna try for some NHL and NBA tickets. And taking a one-night negative self-talk workshop.

 

Sorry this has turned into a laundry list of things I'm doing. I guess I'm trying to look at some of the positive strides I'm making, while I still acknowledge that they fall well short of what they could be.

[tojaz]

Thanks for coming back to S&D where I can keep an eye on you SHB. In reading your posts on coping, you say that you feel you are too low for being only 3 months out. You've told me several times that you like the advice I give you and that it helps, well I want to share this with you. This is me at 3 months.....

 

I do not wish this on anybody. I truly don't know how i have kept my head in all this. A few times I didn't. Yesterday morning I recieved a call at about 5:30 A.M. telling me that Allie was in very poor condition and her doctors did not expect her to survive a week. I was devastated. Called anybody I thought would be available, just to talk, at that hour, nobody was answering the phone. The last person I tried was my wife, out of desperation and because she really seemed to care about this. No answer, left a voicemail.

 

So I decided to get to work early, just to get my mind working. On the way, things get worse for me, and once again out of desperation, I drive to my wifes apartment, it's now 6:30 a.m......her car isn't there. I finish the drive to work and find a private place to collapse. After composing myself, I just try to get through the work day, a few hours later the wife calls, she says she just woke up and is returning my call. I explain Allies situation and then told her I went to her apartment. Silence for a bit, then she says she stayed at a friends because she had to much to drink. I literally could not speak and hung up. She texted me and tried to call a few times, I put the phone away because the thoughts i was having, brought me to my knees.

 

Later that afternoon, I accept a call from her. We talk and the conversation turns to us, I don't know how, but I'm sure I did it. At this point my emotions are out of control, I just spilled everything I was feeling on her. I don't even remember what all I said, probably don't want to. I ended up hanging up again.

 

She texts a little later to tell me she is going to the house to drop off a book she bought me and a DVD with all our pictures from her computer. I don't know why, but I asked her to wait for me then real quick change my mind. About that time, I get the call that Allie has passed on. I fell to my knees in the middle of work and cried. I once again asked the wife to wait and once again changed my mind. My head is swiming now and more then anything want to be with her, yet don't for fear of which wife will be waiting for me. We text back and forth weather or not she should wait and she finaly decides to go.

 

As I'm leaving work she writes me that she dosen't think I should drive all the way home and should stay at her apartment for awhile. I considered it, but didn't think I could bear to see where her life without me is taking place, I could hardly drive as it was. We talked on the phone, I don't remember about what, and we pass each other going opposite directions. She turned around to make sure I got home alright.

 

When I get home, I park the car as quickly as I can and get inside and fall to the floor in a heap. The hour drive felt like I had driven cross country. She arrives and tries her best to comfort me, while keeping me at a distance. Comfort, but not to comfortable. We talked and once again the talk turns to us. My fault i'm sure, had been drinking. The night ends with her upset and leaving me there, I spent the rest of the night on the floor taking turns crying for Allie and crying for my wife alone.

 

This morning, I am not much better. I text her early to apologize for whatever I said that upset her. She was genuinely trying to comfort me and I drove her away when I needed her most. She calls later, and I cannot speak well. She texts later, but texts just remind me how uncomfortable I make her and beg her to stop, then spent the rest of the day hoping she'd call, but hoping she didn't. I have finaly lost my mind!!!

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, and I'm sorry this is so long, rambling, and pointless. It helps to put this here, if you have read this far thank you.

TOJAZ

 

 

.... 3 months is but a teardrop in the ocean SHB. I'm 8 months out, have learned a lot, and it still hurts like hell, still feel it every day, but I'm better then I was and will be even better tomorrow, and so will you. So keep posting, you have some catching up to do!

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Sounds like you are doing a good job of getting out. Can't keep yourself to busy then you get tired & overwhelmed, but just remember to take baby steps......

 

One of the gals I ride bike with was complaining how she didn't feel like she is getting any better. We were on a good climb & I looked down at my speedometer & we were doing 10 MPH. I looked at her and said; remember when we started this spring how fast were we going? She couldn't remember but thought it was around 6 MPH, which I think was right.

 

So I just shared with her, we are doing 10 MPH which is a lot faster then our first time. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we are going faster because we are breathing just as hard, but our speed is faster so yes we are going faster & doing better then we did a few months back.

 

Sometimes we have to look back to see how far we have come, especially when we don't feel like we are moving when in reality we have made big strides......

[Gunny376]

Hey PWSX3.

 

I guess I do a mixture of sitting around and getting out. I actually started a pie chart of how I fill my time so that I can set some goals.

 

At my job I'm surrounded by people for hours, greeting people and making small talk, getting to know the staff at the coffee shop.

 

I go for long walks some evenings with my mom. I hit up the library every week, but I guess I don't talk to many people except when I check out books!

 

I hang out with my older brother once a week, and I go to the Separation and Divorce class that I mentioned. I'm on the subway a lot, so I'm around people. I tried a meet up group (like Tojaz suggested), but it didn't work out. And the basketball and hockey...wish those were more than once a week.

 

I could be doing more, because I do spend a lot of time sitting around (I listen to audio books and play solitaire instead of tv). I guess my fears hold me back, and the pain. I'm the type that finds it hard to fake being happy when I'm not. I'm pretty shy too, though I made strides on that in law school.

 

So ya, if you watched me all day you'd say I sit around too much. I'm working on it I guess, although this latest development has set me back.

 

Gonna try for some NHL and NBA tickets. And taking a one-night negative self-talk workshop.

 

Sorry this has turned into a laundry list of things I'm doing. I guess I'm trying to look at some of the positive strides I'm making, while I still acknowledge that they fall well short of what they could be.

 

Well, well, well, .................................

 

Looks who's back after having jumped ship and going AWOL on us!

 

For that! Just drop and give me fifty push-ups!

 

Just kidding! Glad to have you back! And I'll say it again! You do sound better ~ and stronger too!

 

At least your staying busy. And that's a good thing. And that's a good idea about the pie chart and setting some goals.

 

A couple of books you may want to look into, (Yea, yea I know me and my books) are "Self Talk" about learning how to control one's inner dialog (thoughts) as you go about the day. The other is "You! Five Years From Now!" Its not so much a book you read as it is a book your write yourself and your life. It asks a lot of questions about yourself, your relations, (with friends, family, co-workers, work, career, life goals, aspirations, etc.

 

How did the other forum treat ya? Not as good as all the good people here at LS I bet. :love: :love: (Showing ya some luv!)

 

It takes most people about a good two years to get over a major breakup.

And that's if you work at it. And it sounds as though that's what your doing.

 

Welcome back

 

Gunny

[LisaUk]

SHB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO glad to see you back, I've been really worried about you!

 

3 months in, I'd say you're doing great, I was 3 months in when I joined LS, check out the start of my original thread! Trust me, you're doing great, you're in work, you're going out playing sports, more than I was doing at 3 months, so quit beating yourself up, the whole thing is going to take time, but it does and will get better. I still have my moments as I am sure you have seen as you have been following the boards.

 

On that note, how I am doing law school? Well, to be honest I don't know! LOL I have to, is the short answer, I need to be able to look after myself and get a house, a secure future and that keeps me going. It's actually helped in some ways, I'm so busy I have very little time to think about him and I have meet lots of new people, even went out on Halloween to a house party and then bar hopping, all whilst dressed as a black cat! LOL 34 and acting like I am in my early 20's, LOL

 

So pleased to see you back SHB, keep posting, I rarely get chance to post regualrly, in fact I'm sorry to all of you I haven't manged to contact recently, but I will check in.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks so much for welcoming me back Gunny and Tojaz and PW and Lisa.

 

I would like to respond to all of your posts when I'm not so tired as tonight.

 

Hearing info about the ex and having a "friend" that I thought I could trust reject me and take sides with the ex has been a really big setback. I'm trying hard to keep my head above water these past couple days.

[soheartbroken]

And thank you for the posts I received while on Hiatus...Chase, WSeeker, Logik...

[JaneDoe35]

Welcome back SHB, have read your post about what you have been up to. You sound like you are doing pretty good considering. Like that Pie Chart idea....

[broken hearted]

SHB, Please don't beat yourself up! From my perspective, I would say that you are doing much better than I was at 3 months! My stbx left me Jan. 31st and I didn't start posting here until mid June...that's 5 months almost before I even started posting and I was a wreck to say the very least when I started posting here. Since Jan, even until this very day, I have had lows, extreme lows, and extremely low lows. I have learned to take one day at a time, dig myself out of the hole of darkness a little bit more each day.

 

Divorce is like a death and to heal and properly grieve for the death, you must go through all of the stages of grieving a death:

1. denial

2. anger

3. bargaining

4. depression

5. acceptance

I am truly in the first 4 steps all at the same time most days. I have yet to even touch the 5th step. It all comes in time and everyone will grieve and come to acceptance at their own pace...some people's pace is much longer than others, I am one of those.

 

You are doing the best you can and so am I. I never prepared myself for this kind of loss and pain so that makes it much more difficult to deal with and cope. Keep posting here for support, I have found it tremendously helpful just to vent and ramble...it's somewhat therapeutic.

[soheartbroken]

Tojaz: Thanks for your post. I definitely remember reading that on your thread.

 

Although you had way more to deal with at the 3 month mark with Allie's illness, you're right: three months is not that long, especially for a lightweight like me.

 

Thank you for reminding me of that.

[soheartbroken]

PWSX3: Thank you for your follow-up post. Your story (I have read your entire thread, I think I've told you that) is an inspiration, though I may not be quite as strong as you.

 

You're very honest with your posts, and your advice is sound. Thank you. I will try to keep taking those baby steps you talk about. Just responding to your question about what I've been up to has been helpful, as it has allowed me to see that I have gone out and done some things, but I can do more.

[soheartbroken]

Gunny: thank you for welcoming me back. I did go AWOL, didn't I?

 

I do need to control my inner dialog...I will look into "Self-talk" when I get a chance. I have book recommendations coming at me left, right, and centre though, so may be awhile. But I should spend this time learning and repairing.

 

And I definitely like having my own thread in the S&D forum

 

LisaUK: great to hear from you, and yes, I have been following all your posts. Sounds like you are doing very well. I think I will need a little more time away from school. But we'll see what happens next September. I think I need to transfer schools and stay away from my old city. But that's a long way off...Congrats on your progress!

 

JaneDoe: I have also been following your thread. Thank you for taking the time to read my update. It must be a nightmare for you, but I see that you have a plan and I wish you all the best. I'm sure you will keep us updated.

 

BrokenHearted: have also been keeping up with you! I have not touched the 5th stage yet either - my pace is also going to be slow. You have so much to contend with, I don't know how you do it. Will keep following your story. Thank you for posting here.

[Gunny376]

No, no, no Sweetheart! I'm still waiting on those fifty push-ups! Marine Corps style - four count = one push up! I want to see you sweat!

 

We all go a little nuts when we go through what your going through. The major break-up of a LTR?

 

The good news is you learn, you grow, and you become a little insulated from it all?

 

The first one is the hardest.

 

Once bitten? Twice shy!

 

You've come so far, have dealt with so much, overcome so much, improvised and adapted from your initial post here at LS.

 

And can I ever relate. I ran into a fellow Gunny from back in the day when I was checked into "Heartbreak Hotel" that told me, "We were really seriously worried about you!"

 

This was before the internet ~ and I was a walking wreck!

 

I stumblled and fumblled through Life!

 

Don't give up on me, because I'm not going to give up on you!

 

And that goes for the rest of you!

 

I'm here for you!

 

SoHeartBroken

 

Guns!

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes honey, I have a nice ex, he is a lovely, kind, compassionate soul, I think it would be easier to walk away if he were a b*****! And also knowing that someone else will enjoy all the wonderful things about him one day kills me.

I didn't miss doing anything when we were together either.

I mostly blame myself for our breakup, neglect, but he doesn't want me to blame myself.

 

Thanks ed. Do you know what effect NC has had on your ex-SO (probably not if you're truly NC!)?

 

Pathetic thing is, I can't think of things that I missed doing while I was with her. She supported me in whatever I did, did not keep me from doing a single damn thing. That's what makes this so hard. I'm going to end up blaming myself for this whole thing. She was wonderful. And I think the only thing that ruined us was my own behaviour. I really gotta stop thinking this way. What if I never get over her because it was in the end my own fault!?!?!?!

 

Someone earlier asked for more details. I will write some out later maybe.

 

Has anybody had a nice ex? I'm trying to catch up on some of everyone's own stories, and I'm seeing a lot of cheating and emotional affairs. That really sucks. But at least it allows you to hate or dislike your other, and you can blame them. I'm starting to feel like I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Sorry for the negativity, I just have a lot to get off my chest.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm shy too, and I know it wouldn't be easy to meet another partner, the thought makes me feel ill anyway, 4 months on, and it's not easy making new friends.

I also fear that if I did want to meet someone else at some point that they wouldn't match up to him and I'll never feel the same about anyone again, so I've lost my chance Even some of my friends say they don't think he or I will click with anyone else so well.

 

Hey PWSX3.

 

I guess I do a mixture of sitting around and getting out. I actually started a pie chart of how I fill my time so that I can set some goals.

 

At my job I'm surrounded by people for hours, greeting people and making small talk, getting to know the staff at the coffee shop.

 

I go for long walks some evenings with my mom. I hit up the library every week, but I guess I don't talk to many people except when I check out books!

 

I hang out with my older brother once a week, and I go to the Separation and Divorce class that I mentioned. I'm on the subway a lot, so I'm around people. I tried a meetup group (like Tojaz suggested), but it didn't work out. And the basketball and hockey...wish those were more than once a week.

 

I could be doing more, because I do spend a lot of time sitting around (I listen to audiobooks and play solitaire instead of tv). I guess my fears hold me back, and the pain. I'm the type that finds it hard to fake being happy when I'm not. I'm pretty shy too, though I made strides on that in law school.

 

So ya, if you watched me all day you'd say I sit around too much. I'm working on it I guess, although this latest development has set me back.

 

Gonna try for some NHL and NBA tickets. And taking a one-night negative self-talk workshop.

 

Sorry this has turned into a laundry list of things I'm doing. I guess I'm trying to look at some of the positive strides I'm making, while I still acknowledge that they fall well short of what they could be.

[HeavenOrHell]

I identify with so much of what you've said!! I can assure you you are coping no worse than me!! I have long term anxiety and depression and I think people with problems like that maybe more prone to take break ups harder. I have thought I am going insane many times since July, cried and howled so hard I thought it would never stop and I'd go barmy, panicked each time I cried that the crying wouldn't stop and I've never had anyone to hug me while I cry.

Sorry my words are all jumbled today, so tired..

 

 

 

Hi all,

 

I'm back. With my tail between my legs. I've been debating posting an update, but I was too ashamed to come back after the way I left. But Tojaz, wonderful, awesome guy that he is, found me posting on another forum, and has given me the strength to come back.

 

Board has been quite busy since I left. I've been following some new threads...JaneDoe, Aksion, FeelingLonely, and a few others that I can't remember off the top of my head. And of course MMI and LisaUK and Ladybug and Broken Hearted...all the regulars.

 

Around the time I left, I went through a pretty bad depression, my anxiety levels were through the roof, I thought I was literally going insane. By the way, I've found out that it's totally normal to think you're going mad, because your reality, in a sense, is comepletely swept out from under your feet (this goes out to Aksion in particular if you're reading).

 

I found out that the ex was NOT seeing the OW that I thought she was. But by now I can only assume that she has found someone new. We are complete NC...

 

Except that I had a bad blow yesterday, which has sent me back to a bad place, the place where I was when I left this board (depression and major anxiety). It wasn't anything "normal" people would consider a big deal...basically just confirmation that she's living her life happily without me.

 

And I've apparently lost the one mutual "friend" that we shared. I'm sure many of us can relate to this. Drives me nuts that this "friend" is priviledged to much more info than I am. But whatever, I don't want any new information.

 

I got a part-time job working minimum wage. Not where I wanted to be in my life. Not sure how I'm gonna make it back to Law school. I'm so amazed that Lisa is doing it. I guess my healing will take longer. Maybe because school is so utterly stressful for me, that I need more of a break.

 

I play hockey and basketball on the weekends. I go to a S&D class on Wednesday nights, and therapy 2-3 times a week (every penny I make pays for it!!). Still can't really bring myself to hang out with people socially yet. No music or tv for me yet either! Decided not to go on meds yet, but I definitely think about it a lot.

 

But anyway. I'm still plugging away. I hope the depression doesn't get as bad this time after getting this new info. I still tink that I'm taking this way harder than most. But what can you do?

 

Thanks again Tojaz.

[HeavenOrHell]

I understand what you're saying, my situation is the opposite, my ex (he dumped me) has wanted regular contact with me the last 4 months, but I've decided to go NC the last 12 days because as lovely as it is to see him and spend time with him it isn't enough for me, not after 18 years being his partner/lover.

So as much as you might want to see her or have some contact it makes it much harder to let go and move on-in my case anyway. Every time I saw him I would hope he'd want me back, I felt crushed every time. The lack of hugs/affection is too painful.

But I HOPE that in time I will be able to be friends, as we would hate to lose each other altogether It may take years for me to get to that stage though, if ever, it may take me finding someone else to be able to be friends with him, and that is a long way off.

 

I actually think that having some contact with her would be better for me, instead of being thrown out like a piece of trash. If she got in touch with me I would know she still cared on some level, but I have no expectations of reconciliation.

 

Problem is, if I reach out, and she doesn't get back to me, then I couldn't handle the rejection. So I haven't tried to contact her. And that's how I'm trying to keep it, though it's a struggle every day.

[soheartbroken]

Update

 

I'm writing from out of town tonight. I'm at a hockey tournament with my team. One month ago, maybe even a few weeks or days ago, I wouldn't have come, because I couldn't have handled being away from home with no escape route. But I decided that I should be open to it, so I came.

 

Like doing anything for the first time after the split, it's up and down. I've actually just ducked out early from dinner with the team because I just wasn't having a good time. I didn't feel very talkative, and there was too much reminiscing about old times (I played hockey with some of the people way back).

 

Doing something new or being in a new place always seems to un-bury memories of the ex. I'm glad I can say that I came, but it hasn't been easy.

 

Also been thinking a lot lately about ever being able to find someone great again. People like my ex are few and far between...and even fewer of them are single! I mean, who would let go of something like that (besides me)!!?? I'm too picky. Maybe I'll come to be at peace with being single? At any rate, I'm not looking anytime soon...I just can't help but notice that no one stacks up. And it's making me very sad to know that someone else is/will be enjoying my ex.

 

Are there any decent, honest people out there who don't cheat, have EA's, have GIGS, or have someone lined up before they leave? I'm pretty disheartened.

 

Well, that's all for now.

[tojaz]

Update

 

I'm writing from out of town tonight. I'm at a hockey tournament with my team. One month ago, maybe even a few weeks or days ago, I wouldn't have come, because I couldn't have handled being away from home with no escape route. But I decided that I should be open to it, so I came.

 

Like doing anything for the first time after the split, it's up and down. I've actually just ducked out early from dinner with the team because I just wasn't having a good time. I didn't feel very talkative, and there was too much reminiscing about old times (I played hockey with some of the people way back).

 

Doing something new or being in a new place always seems to un-bury memories of the ex. I'm glad I can say that I came, but it hasn't been easy.

 

Also been thinking a lot lately about ever being able to find someone great again. People like my ex are few and far between...and even fewer of them are single! I mean, who would let go of something like that (besides me)!!?? I'm too picky. Maybe I'll come to be at peace with being single? At any rate, I'm not looking anytime soon...I just can't help but notice that no one stacks up. And it's making me very sad to know that someone else is/will be enjoying my ex.

 

Are there any decent, honest people out there who don't cheat, have EA's, have GIGS, or have someone lined up before they leave? I'm pretty disheartened.

 

Well, that's all for now.

 

SHB,

Sure it wasn't easy, but the important thing is you went! You proved to yourself that you can do it. I'm sure it wasn't all bad though.

 

Healing starts when your willing to knock her off of that pedestal! Sure she was good, but was she the end all? NO, look how she treated you at the end, very little respect even if you were splitting up. keep that in mind.

 

There are still some decent people out there to be had. I've met some fantastic people here, the kind of people I didn't believe existed. It's easy to see the bad, reading most of the stories here, but theres a lot of good in the world to be seen, you just need to open your eyes to it and take it in.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

No, the weekend is not all bad.

 

And yes, she did treat me like **** at the end. AND, like almost everyone else here, I was not sat down and given any chance to fix anything. I still don't know the real reasons that she left me. I guess her feelings just changed, which is a sad realization.

 

But DURING the relationship she was wonderful. So that's the tough part.

 

Thank you for your reply Tojaz.

[tojaz]

I know thats true SHB, but in missing her and longing for her, keep in mind which one you'd be getting back!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Well. Weekend tournament is done. I'm back home now. Today was particularly tough. She would normally have been at all my tournaments with me. There was no one after the games to look forward to seeing.

 

I really, really, want her back. But when their feelings have truly changed about you, I don't think there's ever really any chance for going back. But I can't honestly give up the hope.

 

I want this all to go away.

[soheartbroken]

Is it strange that after over 3 months, I can't say that I've ever had a good day? I've had days that are better than others, but I would never call any day of this hell good.

[tojaz]

Well. Weekend tournament is done. I'm back home now. Today was particularly tough. She would normally have been at all my tournaments with me. There was no one after the games to look forward to seeing.

 

I really, really, want her back. But when their feelings have truly changed about you, I don't think there's ever really any chance for going back. But I can't honestly give up the hope.

 

I want this all to go away.

 

Sorry SHB you'll have to pick one or the other.

 

Is it strange that after over 3 months, I can't say that I've ever had a good day? I've had days that are better than others, but I would never call any day of this hell good.

 

Sounds like a good goal SHB you haven't found a good day yet? I'd have to ask if you've been looking for one?

TOJAZ