I'm in so much pain, and so

[LisaUk]

Boggles the mind doesn't it, how they can just walk away and carry on?

 

Know what though? They had a head start, they knew they were going to do this before you did. Not only that though, they aren't dealing with the pain, they are blocking it off in order to be able to do this, (in a lot of cases), at some point, they too will have to deal with it.

 

That's the point at which they can come sniffing back around. By then, you won't want her back. Not saying she will, even if they don't they still have to deal. They can run, but they can't hide!

[Nomad1]

Hello all. If you had someone else preoccupying your mind 24/7, you would not be thinking about past memories. This is what happens when someone leaves a long-term relationship behind. They are preoccupied by their new found interest. That becomes their world. Many of the people who disentangle whole families to be with OM/W have very similar characteristics. Often, they are risk takers, lack self-esteem, can be obsessive and are extremely selfish. They are also extremely vulnerable in relationships and the other partner usually has the upper hand. That is why the object of their desire becomes so unrealistically important in their world. They become dependent on them. Because they are not whole. They are defficient. Would you want to be with someone like that? I am sure you don't.

 

Best wishes

 

Nomad1

[obscure]

Boggles the mind doesn't it, how they can just walk away and carry on?

 

YES! Yes is does. I can't get over how that level of a cold heart can exist. It's pure selfishness and evil. For instance, I had not been to any of my social networking sites in a while and decided to see what was up. I have been meaning to actually delete my STBEW from my account but had not yet. If I ever needed an excuse to do it, then I found it. She has changed her last name and has listed her status as 'Single'. I mean, she can't even wait for a divorce to happen before doing all of this? That girl has shut me out of her memory like I never existed. And as much as I tell myself I don't want or need to be with a piece of s*** like her, I can't help but to be hurt by her actions. But yes, she walked away, started up a new life, and now the kids nor I exist. To her we are dead. I seriously do not understand it. There is a whole other level of evil that exists inside some people and we just have to realize that we are not to blame for their selfish weaknesses. All we can do is go on with our lives and try to be the best people we can be.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks everyone.

 

Obscure, the problem is that I have trouble thinking of her as evil and selfish. I can't get angry at her. I have no one to blame but myself in this matter. If I could go back in time I would not hesitate to change things...I have so many regrets. I totally F'd up and let her slip out of my life. If only I had a second chance.

[LisaUk]

Thanks everyone.

 

Obscure, the problem is that I have trouble thinking of her as evil and selfish. I can't get angry at her. I have no one to blame but myself in this matter. If I could go back in time I would not hesitate to change things...I have so many regrets. I totally F'd up and let her slip out of my life. If only I had a second chance.

 

 

What exactly did you do wrong in this relationship soheart? What reasons did your GF give you for breaking up? From memory I thought she said something like it was her issues, you did nothing wrong? So how is this your fault? Don't slip into the whole beating yourself up pattern. I've been there, done that and got the T-shirt! This is not your fault, takes two to make it and only one to break it! (All credit to Gunny for that phrase!)

[soheartbroken]

I believe that I wasn't supportive enough, was impatient, let my anger get the best of me, couldn't let go of things, imposed my will, etc. All these things contributed to constant bickering, which brought her, and eventually us, down. I'm also a pessimist, and my negativity brought her down. I think her attributing the breakup to her own "issues" is just guilt. Guilt at hurting me because she wasn't in love with me anymore (she says she still loves me...whatever). She knows I'm hurting so she doesn't want me to blame myself on top of everything else. She told me straight up that it wasn't her depression doing this, that sometimes things "just don't work out". So the "issues" thing is likely BS. From your posts Lisa, I'm sure you know how sometimes the answers they give are all over the place.

 

She was none of the things that I was. She was patient, even tempered (until the end, because you can only deal with someone else's anger before you start fighting back), VERY supportive of all that I did, etc. She did everything around the house while I was in school. Her family is awesome.

 

She actually changed so much for the better during the relationship. Currently, she has reconnected with her friends, finished her university degree, finished a college degree with the highest marks in her program, bought a new car, got into amazing shape (took up new sports), ran a couple half-marathons, and started her career in a job she loves. What did I get for her both times that she graduated? NOTHING. What the hell is wrong with me? Hopefully I told her I was proud of her, but I honestly can't remember.

 

I'm not a bad catch, and hopefully what happened will give me some motivation to improve all my shortcomings, but the problem is, when I'm a "better" person, the only one I'll want to be with is her. I want to show her that I can be better. Like I said, a second chance. But having hope for a future will probably ruin my recovery...and I still want to be a part of her life.

 

I hope someone else has felt like this and gotten over it. Thanks to anyone listening.

[LisaUk]

But she didn't point any of this out to you either during the relationship or after. Even if any of this is true, you were the best person you knew how to be at the time.

 

You were the best GF you knew how to be then.

 

You gave your best, all she has done is made you a better person for someone else. I do hope you get your second chance, I hope she realises what she has lost but you need to start living for yourself, make changes for yourself, not her, if she sees it and wants you back great, if not, you will be well on your road to moving on for you!

 

If you are anything like me in the early stages, you will find what I said there, really difficult to get your head around right now, in time you will see it. Keep posting, it hurts like h**l I know.

[Gunny376]

I believe that I wasn't supportive enough, was impatient, let my anger get the best of me, couldn't let go of things, imposed my will, etc. All these things contributed to constant bickering, which brought her, and eventually us, down. I'm also a pessimist, and my negativity brought her down. I think her attributing the breakup to her own "issues" is just guilt. Guilt at hurting me because she wasn't in love with me anymore (she says she still loves me...whatever). She knows I'm hurting so she doesn't want me to blame myself on top of everything else. She told me straight up that it wasn't her depression doing this, that sometimes things "just don't work out". So the "issues" thing is likely BS. From your posts Lisa, I'm sure you know how sometimes the answers they give are all over the place.

 

She was none of the things that I was. She was patient, even tempered (until the end, because you can only deal with someone else's anger before you start fighting back), VERY supportive of all that I did, etc. She did everything around the house while I was in school. Her family is awesome.

 

She actually changed so much for the better during the relationship. Currently, she has reconnected with her friends, finished her university degree, finished a college degree with the highest marks in her program, bought a new car, got into amazing shape (took up new sports), ran a couple half-marathons, and started her career in a job she loves. What did I get for her both times that she graduated? NOTHING. What the hell is wrong with me? Hopefully I told her I was proud of her, but I honestly can't remember.

 

I'm not a bad catch, and hopefully what happened will give me some motivation to improve all my shortcomings, but the problem is, when I'm a "better" person, the only one I'll want to be with is her. I want to show her that I can be better. Like I said, a second chance. But having hope for a future will probably ruin my recovery...and I still want to be a part of her life.

 

I hope someone else has felt like this and gotten over it. Thanks to anyone listening.

 

Lesson ONE!

 

Love thy self!

 

Lesson TWO!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

Lesson THREE!

 

Learn how to breath again!

 

Learn how to exhale!

 

Breath into a brown paper bag if necessary!

 

Say over and over!

 

This to will past!

 

Quit hypervetating!

[soheartbroken]

MOVING UPDATE

 

Moved practically all my stuff out today. May or may not have to set foot in that place again. But was a shi**y day. I usually feel a bit better in the evenings, but not tonight.

 

Sent her a long email regarding stuff still at the apartment. Also asked if she could get back to me about meeting up next week. So I went and put myself in a vulnerable position again. Now I will freak out when/if I don't hear from her. Also, I'm terrified that she will only give me a small amount of meeting time (e.g. let's meet up on my lunch break!). But I want desperately to see her again.

 

Gonna buy "Uncoupling" if I can get my hands on it.

 

So my stuff is in storage. No place to put it come September. I'm afraid that I won't ever want to unpack it. I need a therapist. And Gunny thinks I need a paper bag.

[Gunny376]

No! What I was saying was try to not take it all in at one time, slow down, and quit trying to find all the answers to all the questions, all the solutions to all the problems ~ all at the same time.

 

I'm not going to list all the things that your doing, having to do, and are going through (Don't want to cause you anymore pain than your already in)

 

You've got a lot of things going on right now Kiddo. Your past, present and future are all coming together at the same time and your being forced to deal with it all at the same time.

 

What I was trying to get across to you was sometimes we've just got to live in the second, the minute,...................in the moment.

[Gunny376]

What your dealing with is her being an over-achiever.

 

Its not that you weren't/aren't good enough for her!

 

She's not good enough for herself!

 

She will never be satisfied with you nor anyone else, because her best will never be good enough for herself!

 

Your beating yourself up over nothing, because nothing you did nor could ever have done would have been good enough!

 

That combined with your being the one that got left behind? Your self esteem took a big hit!

 

So now your sitting around like most of us thinking "I should've, could've, would've!

 

Forget that! (Easier said than done!)

[soheartbroken]

Just an update, because I feel like venting. I just spent 20 minutes curled up in a corner sobbing on the phone to my mother about how I messed up things with someone so wonderful, how it was all my fault, and how I might never get over losing someone so great. Right now thinking I won't go back to school for awhile.

 

Yes, I know I need to go NC soon. And Gunny, my book says exactly that: live in the moment.

[delajoonal]

Just an update, because I feel like venting. I just spent 20 minutes curled up in a corner sobbing on the phone to my mother about how I messed up things with someone so wonderful, how it was all my fault, and how I might never get over losing someone so great. Right now thinking I won't go back to school for awhile.

oh i hate to see this...gosh, i go thru this all the time.. all i cans say, IS there will be better days, i promise you this...i know it feels like you are the only one and the world is over...but it truly isn't...hey i have to keep posting these words of encouragment for MYSELF too...so in essence, even thru your pain, you are helping others too, by posting your bad moments and good ones.

 

i wish i could give you a big ol' HUG and just make it all better...i guess that is the maternal instinct in me...my son says i am good for that..LOL

 

wish my mom was as maternal and could make my pain go away with a phone call or a hug...sooo glad you have YOUR mom too!

 

well...i just hope your day gets better...just keep doing what your doing...

cry when you need to, break something..LOL...or write in a journal...

 

i started journaling many years ago..but when my H left..OMG!

i have gone thru i can't even tell you how many comp books...

and they are great too look back and see your progress or a backslide and how you got out it last time it happened...also IT just helps SOOO much to write out how you feel..write letters to her in that journal, now you wont' send them of course..BUT it is amazing how a weight is lifted when you can get IT out on paper...really, i promise you that:)

 

keep posting and always feel free to PM me too:)

 

take care sweetie...it will get better:)

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Dela. My friend bought me a journal. I've only done two entries, both pretty benign. I just can't bring myself to write out all my painful thoughts. I just want to block them out...all the happy memories and stuff. I just can't do it yet. Too painful. Maybe later? I dunno.

 

So I post here when I hit my low each day. I have rare hopeful moments, where I think I can be strong. But each time I hit a low, I think I'll never get out of it, that I am destined to be like this for the rest of my life (that is, pining away for my lost love). Do you feel like this too?

[lupa]

Thanks Dela. My friend bought me a journal. I've only done two entries, both pretty benign. I just can't bring myself to write out all my painful thoughts. I just want to block them out...all the happy memories and stuff. I just can't do it yet. Too painful. Maybe later? I dunno.

 

So I post here when I hit my low each day. I have rare hopeful moments, where I think I can be strong. But each time I hit a low, I think I'll never get out of it, that I am destined to be like this for the rest of my life (that is, pining away for my lost love). Do you feel like this too?

soheartbroken, please listen to me when I tell you that you will get better. I know the words sound so hollow right now, but I am living proof that each day feels better, but ever so slightly. The problem is that right now for you each second takes an eternity, and each beat of your heart you die a million deaths. You cannot fathom how things could ever feel better, how your heart could ever possibly heal, because you are right in the middle of the pit. Back in the beginning of this (for me) I posted and talked about how the whole world has gone dark, that I am lost, words like "abyss" and "tunnel" and "utter devestating blackness in my soul." You live it every minute of every day...

 

...then, one day you look back, and realize how far you've come. I didn't even realize how much better I was getting until I looked back recently.

 

Hell, I even cried (for 10 seconds) on the way to play golf this morning...it had been building for about 4 days. But here's the thing -- when this happened, I would cry multiple times throughout the day!

 

I'm saying to you that you will get better, and your friends and family, and your loveshack family, will be here for you. Trust me...one day you will feel like you again, and then some day after that you will open up your heart to someone else.

[broken hearted]

I'm saying to you that you will get better, and your friends and family, and your loveshack family, will be here for you. Trust me...one day you will feel like you again, and then some day after that you will open up your heart to someone else.

 

Lupa, I am so so so SO looking forward to this day!

 

I can't wait to have this baby and really starting focusing on myself and my children. I stay in pretty good shape all the time and am very careful not to gain too much during pregnancy but as soon as I have this baby and my body recovers a little bit...WATCH OUT!! I am going to get my body in the shape that it was in high school...rock hard with killer abs!!!! My husband will be sorry that he threw me away then!!

[lupa]

Lupa, I am so so so SO looking forward to this day!

 

I can't wait to have this baby and really starting focusing on myself and my children. I stay in pretty good shape all the time and am very careful not to gain too much during pregnancy but as soon as I have this baby and my body recovers a little bit...WATCH OUT!! I am going to get my body in the shape that it was in high school...rock hard with killer abs!!!! My husband will be sorry that he threw me away then!!

I sometimes catch myself thinking things like that..."my wife will be sorry when I'm rich from this work project" "my wife will be...blah blah blah."

 

DO IT FOR YOU!!! Screw your husband, throw him out of the picture.

 

The NEXT guy will be happy for what you've become...that's the key to this.

[soheartbroken]

soheartbroken, please listen to me when I tell you that you will get better. I know the words sound so hollow right now, but I am living proof that each day feels better, but ever so slightly. The problem is that right now for you each second takes an eternity, and each beat of your heart you die a million deaths. You cannot fathom how things could ever feel better, how your heart could ever possibly heal, because you are right in the middle of the pit. Back in the beginning of this (for me) I posted and talked about how the whole world has gone dark, that I am lost, words like "abyss" and "tunnel" and "utter devestating blackness in my soul." You live it every minute of every day...

 

...then, one day you look back, and realize how far you've come. I didn't even realize how much better I was getting until I looked back recently.

 

Hell, I even cried (for 10 seconds) on the way to play golf this morning...it had been building for about 4 days. But here's the thing -- when this happened, I would cry multiple times throughout the day!

 

I'm saying to you that you will get better, and your friends and family, and your loveshack family, will be here for you. Trust me...one day you will feel like you again, and then some day after that you will open up your heart to someone else.

 

Thanks so much Lupa. You really do get it. I have tried catching up on your thread and I did notice the darkness of some of it...and sometimes I believe that things will get better. I hope one day that I can post on this board as a survivor!

[soheartbroken]

And Dela I know you get it too because I hear the pain in some of your posts. I wish that none of us had to go through this.

[Gunny376]

Its not so much that some of us don't 'get it' as is we've already 'gotten it" and have had 'it' years upon years ago.

 

What you, lupa, togaz are going through now? I went through over twenty years ago.

 

Alone ~ no internet, no LoveShack.org

 

I'm not going to sit here and compare "war-stories" and such. There all the same and each different. A paradox!

 

And I say this knowing that your in a 'World of Emotional Pain" right now ~ but what I'm trying to get across to you is that you've got to work your way out of this?

 

And its very much a moment by moment deal!

 

Thus my reminding you to not to forget to exhale!

 

Its that (or can be) intensive! To the point that you've just gotten the breath knocked out of you. (Boys experince this more than girls ~ but its reality shaping feeling when you literally cannot breath!)

 

For me? Its been nineteen years since the divorce ~ and its only been today that I've reconciled as to why?

 

Granted I went through it before couseling was cool! Back before the internet and such fourmns as LoveShack!

 

But somehow ~ someway?

 

I've found my way?

 

And you will to!

 

That which doesn't kill us?

 

Makes us stronger!

 

I'm not giving up on you!

 

So you don't give up on me!

 

Guns!

[singledad2]

I am in the same process and in the same pain. More complicated with kids, and theirs is the biggest pain I feel, they are so young and dont understand. I think it is best to listen to the lord if you believe and realize he has a plan and this is part of it. I know I am not a saint but am not the ugly creature she is claiming she is leaving her 3 children with. She is lost maybe. You guys need a break and if its her idea you had best make sure you agree with her idea right now if there is any chance she will want to come back. We must use this time to take care of our weakness as we are being chiseled right now and need to know that something must change to go forward. Something isnt right with us yet maybe to get the respect and love we want in a relationship. On the other hand, she could be just selfish and not deserving of our affection, but either way there is a chance that this could be the best thing to hapen right now.

 

I can't sleep either and was looking for relief and it is helping me to try to help you. It is helping me try to understand what my higher power is telling me.

[lupa]

I want to say to everyone here -- if you cannot sleep, first try exercise, lots of it. Then try over the counter meds, try homeopathic. When those don't work, do what I did and swallow your pride, go to your doctor, and get yourself something to freaking sleep! Sleep is the most important thing you can do right now, as it lets your body and mind regenerate. After I started sleep meds, I noticed I started feeling less devastated and more "sad." I was able to start progressing...I'm actually going back to the doctor this morning, it has been one month. I'm going to see if he has something a little weaker now...I'm getting to the point that I don't need this medicine, and I'd like something a little "softer."

 

I know this sounds ridiculous, but time is the most important thing. We will all get better with time.

[singledad2]

I want to say to everyone here -- if you cannot

I know this sounds ridiculous, but time is the most important thing. We will all get better with time.

 

Nothing sounds ridiculous for the desperate right now. Thanks.

[LisaUk]

I sometimes catch myself thinking things like that..."my wife will be sorry when I'm rich from this work project" "my wife will be...blah blah blah."

 

DO IT FOR YOU!!! Screw your husband, throw him out of the picture.

 

The NEXT guy will be happy for what you've become...that's the key to this.

 

This is so true, a moment will come for all here, when you suddenly realise you are something and that someone appreciates you and values you for who YOU are. When this time comes you will begin to see your ex's for what they were and a whole new understanding will prevail in your life.

 

Until that time comes, one moment at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there, trust in those on here who are starting to and who are alreday there and posting to help those who aren't YET!

[soheartbroken]

Another miserable update:

 

So I sent her a long email Saturday night about stuff that needed to be taken care of still at the apartment. In the email, I also asked if we could could set up a time to meet this week, and said "please don't leave me hanging". (The last time we spoke on the phone, she told me she was free this week to meet up). The last couple times we have spoken, we have also talked about the need for her to be respectful during this time, as she knows I'm having a tough time with this all, and she knows that I'm hurt when she ignores messages.

 

So, she has had plenty of time (3 nights) to respond, and she has not. Not even "hey, got your message and will get back to you". NOTHING.

 

WHAT THE F**K? Why would an otherwise decent human being treat me like a piece of garbage during this already tough time. I have told her that it hurts to be ignored!

 

I just wanted to get these last few things cleared up. We were on speaking terms just three nights ago!! I wanted to go NC on good terms. But I am seriously tempted to leave a nasty message now. I even need something from her car, and I still have her bike...This is headed for a bad ending.

 

What am I supposed to do? Is she purposely trying to hurt me?