stampdaddy Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 so, a wife FINALLY speaks her mind about things that should have been said years ago to her H regarding the state of their marriage in her mind/heart, of course totally taking the dumbfounded husband by complete suprise and NOW all of the promises start, my question is: WHAT NOW? all of the things that should have been happening for years are now promised, "I will do anything". Is it typical that it may be to little too late for the wife? just wondering Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 a good while back, someone posted the differences between a man and a woman at the end of a relationship (esp. when the woman is terminating it), and your post makes me think of it. That a man may be taken by surprise and in disbelief – and sincerely believing that he wants a chance to make it work – but it's all ready too late for the woman. Because she's already invested time and energy and effort into trying to make the relationship work, but nothing's changed. I suppose you could flop that around and say the same thing about a man who decides to leave, too, but I'm not a guy, so I couldn't say. my question is, if one spouse spent so much time trying to keep the marriage afloat, why wasn't the other one responding and trying to help keep it afloat, too? promising to change or work on it when you've never were interested in doing so before seems like a knee-jerk, save-my-butt kind of response. but that's just MY two cents! Link to post Share on other sites
FromI Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 here is what I think about it.... the "I will do anything" maybe could work and it would not be too late for the wife, if H would indeed do what he promised.... Although I think that if he had been able to "to do anything" he would have done it long ago.... In the situation that you describe, you say H is taken by surprise... because in his mind everything is fine and he is happy and things are working just like he wants them to.... and here the wife comes and lists everything that she is not happy about.... he says" I will change"... but you can't change a person.... (and you shouldn't). They were living the same life together, but that life occurred to him as "happy" to her as "unhappy"... so the " I will do anything" is just something that he feels he has to say in order to keep her with him... but rarely does he change... why would he, if to him everything was just fine before.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 of course totally taking the dumbfounded husband by complete suprise This is the part I have a hard time buying in to. If your spouse is that unhappy, wouldn't you know? I understand many men (and women) might not want to deal with it and denial may set it, but to be surprised and dumbfounded after years of spousal unhappiness and dissatisfaction is a hard concept for me to understand... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 If your spouse is that unhappy, wouldn't you know? not necessarily, especially if that person is absorbed in doing other things than taking note of what's going on. A conscientious partner is going to check the temperature of the water from time to time just to make sure it's still just fine. or, the unhappy partner might think that he or she is supposed to put him/herself last, for the sake of the relationship that he/she hides true feelings or concerns. I have no qualms about telling DH I think he's not paying enough attention to me or that we need to spend more time together because I'm feeling ignored, and he's pretty good about letting me know when I"m coming across as mean or petty. It's all about keeping the line of communication open, and I'm thinking that the situation OP is talking about, the communication was very one-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 God is in control and if he told me to stay and give it a try, that's what I would have to do. by all means give it every shot you can to make it succeed so you at least have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything possible, but I don't believe that even God wants people lingering in marriages that are soul-killers because there is no respect or warmth to them ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thanks all... it's kinda what I thought.. the "too little too late". And I think that when/if H all of the sudden started caring (or at least acted like it) and started doing a few little things that were so easy to do before, but chose not to, could just cause resentment from the W in this situation. The W in this situation is as Quank says, she always put herself last, and it this process has lost herself. And the H didnt even notice she was gone.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thanks all... it's kinda what I thought.. the "too little too late". And I think that when/if H all of the sudden started caring (or at least acted like it) and started doing a few little things that were so easy to do before, but chose not to, could just cause resentment from the W in this situation. The W in this situation is as Quank says, she always put herself last, and it this process has lost herself. And the H didnt even notice she was gone.... Then shame on him. Is this your take on your MW's relationship? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 Then shame on him. Is this your take on your MW's relationship? Mr. Lucky no sir.. and that is exMW, thank you very much! just a friend I am trying to help Link to post Share on other sites
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