Now.. my letter to the wives...

[Impudent Oyster]

 

I see marriage as solely a religous contract.. but to be honest.. married or just living common-law is the same thing in my mind..

 

What I DON'T believe is, married or not, 2 people cannot stay 'faithful' to each other for a lifetime.. I just can't believe it's doable.. unless someone has no libido (and stay as 'friends' or brother/sister).. is ugly (no one wants them)... stupid (again.. no one wants them)... or is willing to sacrifice him/herself for x reasons (mainly for their kids).. In other words.. I don't think that it's humanly possible.. but again.. I sincerely think that it's more probable that the woman will sacrifice herself for her family.. I don't know if I make sense.. I know what I mean.. but it's hard to explain..

 

You seriously think it's a sacrifice not to sleep with every man you find attractive? :lmao::lmao:

[Gamine]

Liz You imsunderstand me. I have no beef with you living a free, happy and unmarried life. I can even relate to some of your opinions, regarding marital fidelity. I do not believe that I would be interested in being like you and not having any romance in my life. You are all about lust and never about love. I have to have both. In my younger days I probably slept with as many( or more) women as you have men. All ages, colors, sizes, marital status and economic conditions, and as a young man, all I wanted from them was sex. I have found as I grew older that ****ing is easy, making love is more difficult, and requires romance, honesty and committment. You seem to have little of any of those things. IMO

 

 

I'm with BJ on this one.

[Lizzie60]

Liz You imsunderstand me. I have no beef with you living a free, happy and unmarried life. I can even relate to some of your opinions, regarding marital fidelity. I do not believe that I would be interested in being like you and not having any romance in my life. You are all about lust and never about love. I have to have both. In my younger days I probably slept with as many( or more) women as you have men. All ages, colors, sizes, marital status and economic conditions, and as a young man, all I wanted from them was sex. I have found as I grew older that ****ing is easy, making love is more difficult, and requires romance, honesty and committment. You seem to have little of any of those things. IMO

 

Bold.. I know you have no beef against me.. I can feel that through your posts.. I will only say this, what you had (many women, etc. as many as I had, and I believe you)... you had in your younger years... when I was younger.. I was the shy type... never had too many lovers, love was important, etc.. and then later on.. I was busy being a good SO, raising my kids.. etc.. I spent most of my life (my best years anyway) being just that... a mother and a 'W'... I never cheated.. never been cheated on (not that I know)... It was the opposite of you (I'm talking about timing).. you probably did this when you were much younger.. (and it's all good)... All I'm saying is that we did this in a different time frame.. I started this 'new lust/sex life' at 50... I see life quite differently now..

 

If you have more questions.. maybe you can pm me..

 

I think everything has been said on this thread.. it could be closed now..

[Impudent Oyster]

I think the BS would like to THINK that the OW gets all obsessive about the wives.

 

Maybe some of the people who post do, but I would think the vast majority could care less, .

 

I guess you've never read gloryb then?

 

There are literally hundreds of threads where the OW are obsessing, comparing, whining, spying on, etc. the wife.

 

They check the wives facebook, myspace, ask what MM calls her, wonder if they are having sex (lol), hell, they even stalk the marital home to get a look at her.

 

I fully admit that I wanted to know who the OW was, what she looked like, etc. Turns out a knew her...but come on, to say that the OW aren't curious about the wife is baloney, and we all know it.

[tami-chan]

Oh sure I had moments when I wondered what they (OWs) were like( like I wonder how can the Octu-mom take care of her babies? )....that's just normal..but to want to "know" who they are, or what they look like or what they do-for what? What would I do with the information? ...I was not even interested on my stbxh's numerous attempts to explain why. I never made him explain why he cheated. I was not interested in excuses and more lies, nor interested in alleviating the tremendous guilt he felt. I wanted a plan of action for the family, for my daughter's sake. What I can work with, what he can work with, what I was willing to do, what I wasn't willing to do...etc.etc...

 

As an xOW, I had the same attitude to the xOM/MM's wife( now xW).

[NoIDidn't]

I'm pretty sure EVERY betrayed spouse is interested, intrigued by the OW/OM and want to find out more. But, not for the reasons you probably think.

 

For most they want to know "what type of woman thinks its okay to be with someone else's husband" in that way?

 

Its not about seeing how beautiful she is, as it usually is no real comparison. As someone else already said its like comparing my apple to her orange. No point in doing a face check. Its about seeing her personality and mentality. That's all the BW usually wants to know about. They want to know what type of woman she is to violate another woman's marriage in that way.

 

Obviously, being a wife means that the BW believes in marriage. Its very difficult to meet someone that doesn't believe in marriage and believes that they have the right to ignore your right to privacy in your own marriage.

[jj33]

No Ive never been to that other site and curious is different than really interested. But that is just my experience. I wasnt particularly curious indeed when I met her she was a lot less fabulous than I had pictured her to be. None of the people I have known in real life who have been in As have had any particular curiousity (would never go on facebook or do anything else to try to find out about the W).

 

I do think on the whole APs are less curious about the BS than vice versa which makes sense, the BS has a greater stake in the activities of the WS than the AP does in the WS's marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've had some version of this same conversation with single friends, guys either long divorced or never married. Like Lizzie, they don't think that they could be happy confining their libido to just one person on a long term basis. However, unlike her they aren't so narrow-minded as to assume that everyone operates on the same basis. And they also admit that, in giving up the emotional connection, they are making some sacrifice in their pursuit of sexual variety.

 

I wonder if Lizzie will admit the same thing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GreenEyedLady]

There are literally hundreds of threads where the OW are obsessing, comparing, whining, spying on, etc. the wife.

 

They check the wives facebook, myspace, ask what MM calls her, wonder if they are having sex (lol), hell, they even stalk the marital home to get a look at her.

 

I fully admit that I wanted to know who the OW was, what she looked like, etc. Turns out a knew her...but come on, to say that the OW aren't curious about the wife is baloney, and we all know it.

 

I agree. Not so much in my case, I didn't know she existed literally.

 

I just think we should be honest here. Alot of W's obsess about the OW and vice versa. I think that's a natural feeling when you're involved in a triangle.

 

Although I would say that it's easier when you don't know who she is. After I found out I was curious, but I didn't ask questions (I though it was rude, stupid I know *blushes*) and he didn't volunteer information. When I got sick of status quo is when I found out more about her, but it was from him.

 

And then I took my own advice which was to focus on our R and not theirs. Kind of like when people advise to focus on the M and not the OW.

 

It's a natural territorial feeling I think. It doesn't do any good though and the only person it hurts is the one obsessing.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

I see marriage as solely a religous contract.. but to be honest.. married or just living common-law is the same thing in my mind..

 

What I DON'T believe is, married or not, 2 people cannot stay 'faithful' to each other for a lifetime.. I just can't believe it's doable.. unless someone has no libido (and stay as 'friends' or brother/sister).. is ugly (no one wants them)... stupid (again.. no one wants them)... or is willing to sacrifice him/herself for x reasons (mainly for their kids).. In other words.. I don't think that it's humanly possible.. but again.. I sincerely think that it's more probable that the woman will sacrifice herself for her family.. I don't know if I make sense.. I know what I mean.. but it's hard to explain..

 

Well, I have only been married to my current husband for 11.5 years and I can tell you it IS doable. Neither of us have ever had an inkling to cheat, we love each other deeply and when our libido goes away, because one day, it will, we will still be happily married because that is just how WE work. May not work for everyone, and that's fine.

 

See, I can't believe that there are people who go through their lives without this kind of love and commitment. To me, that is inconceivable and IN MY THOUGHTS, lonely. I want and look forward to my 'golden years' with my husband. I see us as two old people sitting in rocking chairs

 

We believe in each other, respect each other, trust each other and honor each other. FOR ME, I can't image NOT having this in my life; not having someone to come home to; someone to help me when I am sick, someone to have been with me through all my medical issues.

 

But - to each their own

[fooled once]

I also wanted to add - and then I will shut up - that I think women generally DO have an interest in another woman in our man's life.

 

I mean - this same kind of "snooping" and wanting to know applies to divorced women and second wives.

 

I know hundreds of second/third wives who are always snooping/spying on the former wives. Comparing them, cutting them down, etc.

 

I think unfortunately, so many women compete with each other. The new wife wants to know that SHE is much better than the ex and the ex wants to know about the new woman in her ex's life. Morbid curiosity or whatever -- unfortunately, it is the whole 'competition' thing.

 

And I am speaking as an ex wife and a second wife

[2sure]

...I hope this puts a better perspective on things and you finally know where you stand. You see, you may be his wife and that used to be sacred but I am in the picture now....I am his mistress... I am his life.

 

Lizzie, you have lost all credibility. More than anything the only thing I try to pass on to people involved in an affair triangle is that they should...call it and take like it is. Your perspective is as screwed up as anyone elses.

 

Sure, OW can be anyone and you can get rid of one only to find she has been replaced. And thats just it, and the saddest part of all...OW doesnt need to be loved or give love, she need not be lovable , the only quality she need have is willingness. Thats it. For a man that wants to cheat , willing partners are available. Most of them lack many or all of the other qualities he would look for in a partner...or are otherwise disadvantaged ...you yourself are at the tail end of middle aged.

 

That irreplaceableness and that facelessness should prove to BS that few OW are threats to a marriage...it is the WS that betrays you.

 

The WS puts OW into a compartment to get out when he is bored, low, or simply wants a distraction. My H's OW was quite completely replaced with a video game.

 

I thought you knew what it was about, I thought you knew what you were doing, I figured you had a plan. Now I just feel sorry for you.

[MSUE]

...I hope this puts a better perspective on things and you finally know where you stand. You see, you may be his wife and that used to be sacred but I am in the picture now....I am his mistress... I am his life.

 

Lizzie, you have lost all credibility. More than anything the only thing I try to pass on to people involved in an affair triangle is that they should...call it and take like it is. Your perspective is as screwed up as anyone elses.

 

Sure, OW can be anyone and you can get rid of one only to find she has been replaced. And thats just it, and the saddest part of all...OW doesnt need to be loved or give love, she need not be lovable , the only quality she need have is willingness. Thats it. For a man that wants to cheat , willing partners are available. Most of them lack many or all of the other qualities he would look for in a partner...or are otherwise disadvantaged ...you yourself are at the tail end of middle aged.

 

That irreplaceableness and that facelessness should prove to BS that few OW are threats to a marriage...it is the WS that betrays you.

 

The WS puts OW into a compartment to get out when he is bored, low, or simply wants a distraction. My H's OW was quite completely replaced with a video game.

 

I thought you knew what it was about, I thought you knew what you were doing, I figured you had a plan. Now I just feel sorry for you.

 

 

I couldn't agree more...I feel sad and sorry for you as well

[GreenEyedLady]

I find it funny how different people's perspectives are.

 

I read the original post and took it as "Lizzie being Lizzie." A response to all the rude letters that get posted to "jam up" the Other Woman and make her feel like crap.

 

And how do others take it? As a pass to stand in judgment of someone else's philosophy and choices.

 

If Lizzie believes in what she's posted, who is anyone else to really say anything?

 

Anyone with half a brain realizes that every OW is not like the OW portrayed in the letter. They also realize that a vast majority of OW really love their MM and feel great sorrow, guilt and hurt for the situation that they are in.

 

We paint BS's and OW with a broad brush. People are different, there are always exceptions.

 

No one has to agree with Lizzie's life choices and she shouldn't have to defend them.

 

Ironically, you feel sorry for her and I bet she feels sorry for you.

 

GEL

[2sure]

Ironically, you feel sorry for her and I bet she feels sorry for you.

 

I really do hope thats the way it is.

[tami-chan]

I don't get this "feel sad and sorry" for someone who obviously made a life choice that works for her. Don't you think it is wasted energy? I think we all need to stop assigning our values to other people. How about we use that energy where it is needed-our own lives/relationships?

[Sanafa]

I don't get this "feel sad and sorry" for someone who obviously made a life choice that works for her. Don't you think it is wasted energy? I think we all need to stop assigning our values to other people. How about we use that energy where it is needed-our own lives/relationships?

 

So true.

 

We spend so much time judging or placing our opinions on others that when there is far more important things to worry about.

 

But then, I guess if I had a choice I would always prefer to speak my mind openly to the party than hide and respect that far more

[MSUE]

So true.

 

We spend so much time judging or placing our opinions on others that when there is far more important things to worry about.

 

But then, I guess if I had a choice I would always prefer to speak my mind openly to the party than hide and respect that far more

 

ultimately everybody is entitled to their opinion and when you post such a controversial letter you better be open to all type of rsponses...although I do not agree with her lifestyle and choices I do respect her just like I respect any breathing bebing...however such choices cause pain to others...seriously life happens and I know that first hand but when you are a repeat offender and your choices continuingly hurt others and you are careless about it then there's something wrong with that pix

[bentnotbroken]

Not to start an argument or anything, but I am curious if it is thought that some people assign their values on those(just an example Lizzie), is it also viewed that the values of AP are assign their values to the BS. I mean my values are of fidelity and honor. And the person who helped Mr. Messy do the deed, did she put her values on my life? To me it would be the same as me going into someone else's house and slapping them with my bible and calling them out. By that person entering my home, my life, my family(with Mr. Messy's invite) didn't she walk in and slap me with what ever code she lives by?

[underpants]

 

It's all fixated, unnecessary drama used to anonymously deflect attention back to the source.

 

Hilarious.

 

...and she did it by plagarism. Even more hilarious.

 

Typical.

[MSUE]

Not to start an argument or anything, but I am curious if it is thought that some people assign their values on those(just an example Lizzie), is it also viewed that the values of AP are assign their values to the BS. I mean my values are of fidelity and honor. And the person who helped Mr. Messy do the deed, did she put her values on my life? To me it would be the same as me going into someone else's house and slapping them with my bible and calling them out. By that person entering my home, my life, my family(with Mr. Messy's invite) didn't she walk in and slap me with what ever code she lives by?

 

what if the offence was murder or rape? would that be ok? actions that carelessly hurt others over and over...with no care no remorse no feelings for others?

 

actions that are selfish and wout care,respect,concern,compassion? when you repeatedly cause pain to others from your actions?

[MSUE]

Just how I view and feel about the letter and behaviour...that's all...then again I don't agree but I respecct

[complicatedlife]

I don't get this "feel sad and sorry" for someone who obviously made a life choice that works for her. Don't you think it is wasted energy? I think we all need to stop assigning our values to other people. How about we use that energy where it is needed-our own lives/relationships?

I don't get it either.

[complicatedlife]

Not to start an argument or anything, but I am curious if it is thought that some people assign their values on those(just an example Lizzie), is it also viewed that the values of AP are assign their values to the BS. I mean my values are of fidelity and honor. And the person who helped Mr. Messy do the deed, did she put her values on my life? To me it would be the same as me going into someone else's house and slapping them with my bible and calling them out. By that person entering my home, my life, my family(with Mr. Messy's invite) didn't she walk in and slap me with what ever code she lives by?

But how is an OW/OM assigning her/his values on (or into, if you prefer) the BS's life? Is she/he affecting the life of the BS and any children involved in the situation? Yes, but in an indirect way through her dealings with the MM. Besides, her values may be just like yours in that she/he thinks that affairs are a "no-no" and yet she/he chose to be a willing participant in the affair anyway. But, hey, none of us here are perfect and we commit personal and public offenses from time to time; for those of us who are spiritual and share the same foundational beliefs, we will have to answer to God for that if we haven't ceased the incorrect activity and repented.

[bentnotbroken]

 

It's all fixated, unnecessary drama used to anonymously deflect attention back to the source.

 

Hilarious.

 

...and she did it by plagarism. Even more hilarious.

 

Typical.

 

 

Unders, I agree Lizzie is a pill and "her":rolleyes:letter didn't mean much to me. It is the conversation about value placement that has peaked my interest.