Now.. my letter to the wives...

[bentnotbroken]

But how is an OW/OM assigning her/his values on (or into, if you prefer) the BS's life? Is she/he affecting the life of the BS and any children involved in the situation? Yes, but in an indirect way through her dealings with the MM. Besides, her values may be just like yours in that she/he thinks that affairs are a "no-no" and yet she/he chose to be a willing participant in the affair anyway. But, hey, none of us here are perfect and we commit personal and public offenses from time to time; for those of us who are spiritual and share the same foundational beliefs, we will have to answer to God for that if we haven't ceased the incorrect activity and repented.

 

i didn't say it was assigning values, I asked could it be viewed the same way as some say BS's assign values? Directly or indirectly, the affect is damaging and for some, maybe a lifetime of damage.

 

I used Lizzie as and example. She says she doesn't believe in marriage. I do, hence the value system is different. If there were another woman who happened to have the same feelings and intruded in a marriage via an A, isn't that laying their values on someone else?

[tami-chan]

I understand posting opinions, that's all we can do here, really. But to "feel sorry and sad" for another person's choices-esp. when it appears she is happy with it, is wasted energy, and honestly, reeks insincerity. But who knows? maybe it is from the heart.

[tami-chan]

i didn't say it was assigning values, I asked could it be viewed the same way as some say BS's assign values? Directly or indirectly, the affect is damaging and for some, maybe a lifetime of damage.

 

I used Lizzie as and example. She says she doesn't believe in marriage. I do, hence the value system is different. If there were another woman who happened to have the same feelings and intruded in a marriage via an A, isn't that laying their values on someone else?

 

No, I don't think Lizzie (using her as the example) is assigning her values (to the wife) because after all she did not go after the MMs. The MMs came to her. Perhaps the MMs share her values(if they were honest to themselves).

[complicatedlife]

i didn't say it was assigning values, I asked could it be viewed the same way as some say BS's assign values? Directly or indirectly, the affect is damaging and for some, maybe a lifetime of damage.

Then I would say that no, I personally don't view it that way.

 

I used Lizzie as and example. She says she doesn't believe in marriage. I do, hence the value system is different. If there were another woman who happened to have the same feelings and intruded in a marriage via an A, isn't that laying their values on someone else?

Ok, let's examine this:

Yes, the value systems between you and the affair partner/Lizzie are different. But.....the spouse is also showing with his behavior that his value system is different from yours, too, if he is in an affair, right? However, I can't say that I believe that the majority of human beings think that affairs are the best thing to partake in - I would say it's a safe bet that most people believe in and respect the institute of marriage, therefore, for the person who does NOT believe in or respect the institute of marriage, I wouldn't say that this person is laying their values directly on the BS/you, I would say that they are placing it on the "institution". But, then, that may possibly mean that they are "laying" their values on ALL of the parties involved within the marital institution, and that includes onto both the husband/wife...but he/the husband in this, has a say in whether he allows this to happen or not, and in that case, I think I might say that in the particular hypothetical that you have given, both the husband and the OW share the same values (in this regard) and it is in direct conflict with yours, therefore, I could see how one might view the OW as "laying her values on yours" whether doing so is intentional or not or directly or not.

[bentnotbroken]

No, I don't think Lizzie (using her as the example) is assigning her values (to the wife) because after all she did not go after the MMs. The MMs came to her. Perhaps the MMs share her values(if they were honest to themselves).

 

 

It's been awhile and I could be wrong, but I seem to remember Lizzie saying if there were a man she wanted and he wasn't a friend's or relatives man, she would pursue him. I don't doubt cheating men do share the same values of their AP. Mr. Messy did, he just neglected to tell me so that I could make a choice to remain with him during his A or have one of my own.

[bentnotbroken]

Then I would say that no, I personally don't view it that way.

 

 

Ok, let's examine this:

Yes, the value systems between you and the affair partner/Lizzie are different. But.....the spouse is also showing with his behavior that his value system is different from yours, too, if he is in an affair, right? However, I can't say that I believe that the majority of human beings think that affairs are the best thing to partake in - I would say it's a safe bet that most people believe in and respect the institute of marriage, therefore, for the person who does NOT believe in or respect the institute of marriage, I wouldn't say that this person is laying their values directly on the BS/you, I would say that they are placing it on the "institution". But, then, that may possibly mean that they are "laying" their values on ALL of the parties involved within the marital institution, and that includes onto both the husband/wife...but he/the husband in this, has a say in whether he allows this to happen or not, and in that case, I think I might say that in the particular hypothetical that you have given, both the husband and the OW share the same values (in this regard) and it is in direct conflict with yours, therefore, I could see how one might view the OW as "laying her values on yours" whether doing so is intentional or not or directly or not.

 

 

That's al I asked. The damage that is done to a family is still there, whether it is intentioned or not. It still has to be healed.

[complicatedlife]

It's been awhile and I could be wrong, but I seem to remember Lizzie saying if there were a man she wanted and he wasn't a friend's or relatives man, she would pursue him.

Is this true Lizzie? YIKES! (I mean that in a light-hearted way - you know I think you're a cool chick no matter what).

I don't doubt cheating men do share the same values of their AP. Mr. Messy did, he just neglected to tell me so that I could make a choice to remain with him during his A or have one of my own.

????? YOU? I don't believe you'd do that.

[tami-chan]

It's been awhile and I could be wrong, but I seem to remember Lizzie saying if there were a man she wanted and he wasn't a friend's or relatives man, she would pursue him. I don't doubt cheating men do share the same values of their AP. Mr. Messy did, he just neglected to tell me so that I could make a choice to remain with him during his A or have one of my own.

 

 

Either way, she is not assigning her values to anybody....only finding people who (apparently) share her values or willing to fore go their own to be with her....

[whichwayisup]

because after all she did not go after the MMs. The MMs came to her

 

This isn't true. She has gone after MM, maybe not as often as they find her..

[bentnotbroken]

Is this true Lizzie? YIKES! (I mean that in a light-hearted way - you know I think you're a cool chick no matter what).

 

????? YOU? I don't believe you'd do that.

 

 

Never said I wasn't attracted to other men. Just said I won't let it take hold in my head or heart. I'd rather gain 20lbs. It's easier to lose.

[complicatedlife]

Never said I wasn't attracted to other men. Just said I won't let it take hold in my head or heart. I'd rather gain 20lbs. It's easier to lose.

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[OWoman]

All that matters is that the BW experiences unbearable pain and suffering and from the depths of her being she must overcome tragedy to go on with her life, with, or without the H that had caused her such agony.

 

All that matters to the BS, perhaps. Other people have other priorities.

 

I have read plenty of stories that are in direct conflict with the statement that the W's dismiss the OW and could care less about her.

 

They check her Facebook, myspace, google her name, write her fake letters on the internet, wish bad things happen to her.

 

There are those that don't obsess, but one can look in the infidelity and even the Other Woman forum right here.

 

Those that don't obsess could be in denial, like my H's xW was / still is. She refused to believe there was "someone else", and even now goes to extreme lengths to avoid being in the same place as us (and we live in a tiny place, so it takes some doing!) so that she's never confronted with that reality.

 

Obviously' date=' being a wife means that the BW believes in marriage. [/quote']

 

Not always. People M for different reasons. For my H and his xW, it was for tax reasons (they'd been living together for years before then, with no talk or expectation of M - she'd been M before). For my H and me, it's for visa reasons (we've both been M before). "Believing in M" is very different to complying with M because of legislative or logistical imperatives.

 

I also wanted to add - and then I will shut up - that I think women generally DO have an interest in another woman in our man's life.

 

I mean - this same kind of "snooping" and wanting to know applies to divorced women and second wives.

 

I know hundreds of second/third wives who are always snooping/spying on the former wives. Comparing them, cutting them down, etc.

 

I think unfortunately, so many women compete with each other. The new wife wants to know that SHE is much better than the ex and the ex wants to know about the new woman in her ex's life. Morbid curiosity or whatever -- unfortunately, it is the whole 'competition' thing.

 

And I am speaking as an ex wife and a second wife

 

I've been the 2nd W twice, and am an xW. I've never been remotely interested in my xH's subsequent women - once I dumped him, he was history - and the only interest I had in his xW related to her negative impact on me or us (as a family). Similarly, the only interest I have in my H's xW concerns her damage to the kids or her attempts to hurt my H or his family.

 

I honestly don't feel any kind of competition. Xs are Xs (be they xHs, or H's xWs) for a reason.

[MSUE]

ok so Lizzie has made choices that make her happy and works for her...ok cool...however those choices are at someone elses heartache and suffering...over and over and over...like I've said before life happens and sometimes we find ourselves in a similar situation that we never saw coming...but...a repeat offender who purposely does such things wout a care for the W or the kids and overall family for her own so called happiness which personally I feel its more a thrill/lust thing...that you continue to hurt others troughout your journey in this earth...then I do feel there's something wrong with that pix...

 

this is an extreme case comparison whhich is hypothetical but lets say someone decides to murder cause its a thrill and exciting and arousing and now you hurt an entire family/community due to that loss ... but its so exciting to you that you decide to murder again and again...how many families are hurt and destroyed? does that make it ok? does your own need for that thrill make it ok tou hurt anyone along the way?

[2sure]

Affair relationships , especially serial revolving door type affairs...are based on fantasy and not reality. They are tangible and fulfilling in that way, and fun. But still not based in reality. They are fantasy just like some people become someone else in those second life games.

 

All good so far. But when one begins to base their perspective of themselves on what should be just a small compartment of their lives...thats troubling.

[Owl]

But Lizzie isn't in an "affair relationship"...well...MAYBE with one. But her lifestyle isn't around 'affair relationships'. She USES these MM to both scratch her "itch" and pay her bills. They USE her to scratch their own "itches". And personally, I think she uses her one "affair" type relationship as her "out" for not seeing herself as a prostitute (look at how she brings this ONE relationship up whenever I mention her clients?). He's nothing more than her own little "proof" to herself that she's not just a massage therapist turned prostitute. If he DID pay, it would ruin her self-image.

 

There is nothing more to it than that. They claim more, certainly. And to a small degree, they might even mean it. Of course their interactions with her are a lot more fun than they are with their wives...because NONE of their interactions have anything to do with THE REST of their lives. They don't have to work with Lizzie to pay the bills (other than the ones they have to pay TO Lizzie for her "services"), they don't have to deal with the day to day drudgery of caring for the children, managing finances, shopping, cleaning the house, etc...

 

Lizzie is NOT their "lives"...she's their fantasy escape from reality. A fantasy for which they PAY for...and a fantasy for which their WIVES pay for as well, albeit unknowingly.

 

Nothing more than that.

 

Lizzie doesn't care about who "pays" for it...as long as she has her fun, and gets paid in the process.

 

I don't have any issue with her choice of a 'free riding' single lifestyle. I have no issue with her disbelief in marriage. I simply detest the fact that she knowingly, intentionally gets involved with married men, with absolutely no care about the costs that the wives will pay when the learn about her "relationships" with these MM. She thinks she's doing these wives a service...but knows full well that these women would never agree, and would hate her for what she's done if they knew the truth.

 

That's why I don't care for her "lifestyle"...because it's all at the expense of others...others who aren't willingly funding or agreeing to that lifestyle.

[Tsuki no Michi]

Lizzie, I'd really like a night off from the old ball and chain...if I start nagging him about the kids and bills now do you think you might have an opening for him say, tomorrow night at 8:00?

 

I actually laughed out loud at that comment. Damn that was funny. Very well done... :lmao:

 

The big attraction will be when the false teeth can come out.

 

I would hate to imagine how accurate that might be...

 

TNM

[confusedinkansas]

I personally think that this letter alone would keep BS's from thinking it's all important for them to phone the OW & discuss "Life & the Affair" with her.

[Tsuki no Michi]

Hahaha... don't investigate too much CE.. maybe you'd fall off your chair..

 

Reminded me of this:

 

 

 

TNM

[White Flower]

I couldn't do this even if I wanted to; I rarely know what the hell she's thinking. And vice-versa, no doubt.

 

Great thread, btw. Another great leap foward in BS-OW relations.

Hey, at least we're all laughing together:p

[White Flower]

Not to start an argument or anything, but I am curious if it is thought that some people assign their values on those(just an example Lizzie), is it also viewed that the values of AP are assign their values to the BS. I mean my values are of fidelity and honor. And the person who helped Mr. Messy do the deed, did she put her values on my life? To me it would be the same as me going into someone else's house and slapping them with my bible and calling them out. By that person entering my home, my life, my family(with Mr. Messy's invite) didn't she walk in and slap me with what ever code she lives by?

Some would say he is the one you should slap; he did the cheating.

[bentnotbroken]

Some would say he is the one you should slap; he did the cheating.

 

 

I did more than slap him. And he still has the bruise.

[donnamaybe]

you can believe what makes you happy...

 

Which is obviously what you do so well.

[aeh]

Wow, this letter makes me feel better about the OW. I told my husband many times to go to the OW and he wouldn't do it. He has begged, pleaded, etc.

 

After reading your letter though, I actually realize the OW's desperation. Thanks for helping me today.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As a devil's advocate, I wonder what a MM would do if his OW sent this letter to his W?

 

My guess is that he would cut the OW off immediately for interfering like that and causing hurt where none is warranted. Dunno though. Any speculations?

[White Flower]

I agree. To the curb she'd go in 99.9% of cases.

True enough, even though he IS saying those things to the OW he will throw her under the bus in a heart beat. Then he will lie to the W and tell her those things were really about her and she will believe him.