Now.. my letter to the wives...

[Mino]

Thanks Mino.... I am the OW

 

Not pain at all.... just frustration with all the " therapy" of humans... it's like come on people... logic..... can we use some logic.

 

I am actually busy which has been a god send and feeling pretty good... and just getting back to who I am....accepting people rather than constantly wanting them to change or be something different.

I agree, Logic would be nice. But dont give up on "love". I do believe there are still some great decent guys out there. ( I hope)

[Sanafa]

I agree, Logic would be nice. But dont give up on "love". I do believe there are still some great decent guys out there. ( I hope)

 

 

Ohhh....because I said I wasn't thinking about sex.....that's why I sounded down:laugh:

 

Well a couple reasons, I really am too busy and it hasn't been a month yet.... I am still very much in the missing (among other emotions) stage ...so the last thing I want to think about is kissing or more with anyone else.

 

But I do believe there are great men out there......and sure I will get back in the game at some point.

 

And I am still in Awe of the pain we put each other through in the name of love.......sounds more controlling than loving ( yep...just said that...oops)

[Gamine]

Gamine, I understand your eyes are wide open... Did I read that correctly, they were already 3 different OW?? Ok so these A were not long term, cause he got caught? Or he got tired of them? If it was a one time slip up and he is going through MLC, ok, its a mess up. But if he has had 3 ow already, he sounds like he turning into a serial cheater, and is waiting only for the dust to settle... Hope its not so for your sake...

 

 

Thanks Mino. I evaluate the situation every single day giving tremendous consideration to the very things you have just stated. The weird part is that I don't derive any comfort, whatsoever, from his explanations and promises. Someone shows you what they're capable of when they are screwed up... well then I am always sitting on the edge of my seat. Yes, he shows deep remorse and tremendous regret but you know what? He hurt me really, really bad. And now I wonder if... even if he never did it again... never crossed any boundary... whether I could ever feel the same in our relationship. Me towards him. Something has definitely died inside.

[Gamine]

My thoughts exactly.. I think she better keep her passport up to date.. and stack cash.. because she will be out the door..

 

Sage advice. I really loved this man. I promised myself that no one, no man, would ever hurt me this way again. Ever. I was 35 when we got married so I know the score. I wish I was capable of looking through life with rose colored glasses... Then, I could at least lie to myself. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt concerning the extent of personal emotional problems he had during a prescribed period of time. That doesn't mean that I trust him. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him... Which in and of itself sucks. 15 years worth... so I give him a chance to prove himself. He can prove himself to be a cad or a good guy. That is up to him. However, I have no allusions...

[2sure]

Gamine -

 

I married my H at 39.

Up until I met him, I truly believed I had made every mistake in the book.

I felt I had learned many lessons and that marrying him was the one decision I felt 100% was a good one.

He cheated on me multiple times with several OW in a variety of ways.

Like yourself, we chose recovery. And I am being honest when I say we are doing well, our marriage is a good one, we are happy and in love.

 

Its been...a bit over 2 years. I trust him. A 100%? No.

For the longest time I couldnt get past that. The feeling that I would always be slightly unsure, anxious, angry. The feeling that things had changed, something was taken from me. My confidence, my security.

 

And it was frustrating to me also to know that there really wasnt anything he could do to change that. Basically, it was my problem now.

 

But something happened, kind of recently. I trust myself again. I trust my judgment again. I have my confidence in myself back. I know, once more, that I have the strength to deal with what comes my way. I'm more than ok, I'm very good. I am not afraid.

 

I cannot explain myself as well as so many others here, but I can tell you that this regained trust in myself has made a huge difference in how I feel about my husband and my marriage.

[Gamine]

Gamine -

 

I married my H at 39.

Up until I met him, I truly believed I had made every mistake in the book.

I felt I had learned many lessons and that marrying him was the one decision I felt 100% was a good one.

He cheated on me multiple times with several OW in a variety of ways.

Like yourself, we chose recovery. And I am being honest when I say we are doing well, our marriage is a good one, we are happy and in love.

 

Its been...a bit over 2 years. I trust him. A 100%? No.

For the longest time I couldnt get past that. The feeling that I would always be slightly unsure, anxious, angry. The feeling that things had changed, something was taken from me. My confidence, my security.

 

And it was frustrating to me also to know that there really wasnt anything he could do to change that. Basically, it was my problem now.

 

But something happened, kind of recently. I trust myself again. I trust my judgment again. I have my confidence in myself back. I know, once more, that I have the strength to deal with what comes my way. I'm more than ok, I'm very good. I am not afraid.

 

I cannot explain myself as well as so many others here, but I can tell you that this regained trust in myself has made a huge difference in how I feel about my husband and my marriage.

 

You have explained things beautifully, 2Sure. Thank you.

 

A part of me thinks that if I could have been so wrong about him ... what does that say about me? You know we were good for a solid 10 years. I always knew when his mother died the *hit would hit the fan. And it did. The grand crescendo his 5 month psychotic three woman episode. However, like all situations, there were things that preceded this iceberg. The last 4 years of our marriage has been a hell on earth for me... inside. First the hurt and disillusionment followed quickly by just utter sadness.

 

If I can't be smart enough to protect myself from him where does that put me? Either I give up the self protection or I build a wall around myself... the very same wall I had up before he and I met. He was the love of my life and he trashed my heart.

 

I look back at the past 15 years together and wonder how much of it was even real.

[silktricks]

and I can 100% say I would not be willing to let the WS "mourn" an affair.... if he has to mourn it, it wasn't a fantasy my friends, it was real.

 

Can't mourn something that wasn't alive.....sorry, I would lose my mind watching my SO in his "missing state"

 

I don't know that I fully agree with what you've said here, as I think you can mourn something that wasn't "real"... in fact, I think you may mourn something more that was a fantasy, because a fantasy will be completely fulfilling in a way that real life cannot... therefore - especially if it's ended by exposure - when it's over you've "lost" even more.

 

However, I personally most definitely agree with you in the part I bolded. If my husband had mourned his affair, we wouldn't be married. I don't know if that's a weakness on my part, but it is what it is.

[Mino]

Sage advice. I really loved this man. I promised myself that no one, no man, would ever hurt me this way again. Ever. I was 35 when we got married so I know the score. I wish I was capable of looking through life with rose colored glasses... Then, I could at least lie to myself. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt concerning the extent of personal emotional problems he had during a prescribed period of time. That doesn't mean that I trust him. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him... Which in and of itself sucks. 15 years worth... so I give him a chance to prove himself. He can prove himself to be a cad or a good guy. That is up to him. However, I have no allusions...

I can understand, the pain he caused you. !5 years is a long time. But you know, it will be hard to really really trust him again... I heard somthing the other day that I really like. I know people stay in M because of their vows to each other and till death do you part. But it may not be His or your death, how about death of the M? By cheating, he killed your trust. Sure you may trust a little bit with time, but the 100%, put my hand in the fire for you, is dead. So if you dont have that, what do you really have, a shell of a m. I dont know... I would hate to be in your shoes, But I do wish you lots of strength, Gamine, for whatever you decide to do...

[Mino]

So is that what you think of YOUR MM? That his OW are interchangable? You seem like someone worthy of more respect than that.

He is an XMM

[Gamine]

I can understand, the pain he caused you. !5 years is a long time. But you know, it will be hard to really really trust him again... I heard somthing the other day that I really like. I know people stay in M because of their vows to each other and till death do you part. But it may not be His or your death, how about death of the M? By cheating, he killed your trust. Sure you may trust a little bit with time, but the 100%, put my hand in the fire for you, is dead. So if you dont have that, what do you really have, a shell of a m. I dont know... I would hate to be in your shoes, But I do wish you lots of strength, Gamine, for whatever you decide to do...

 

Thanks, Mino.

[Mino]

I know that, but not so long ago would you have assumed, as you did above, that he was such that was capable of having one OW after another after another?

 

I mean, if that is what EVERY affair is about, then ANYONE having an affair with a MP should end their affair if they actually have a hope of a relationship with them someday. Right? I mean, since they'll only be cheated on again anyway.

one ow after another? Thats not the case here, dont know where you got that from...

[insaneheart]

My dh's OW told him she didn't understand why he wouldn't just leave. Said she wished he wouldn't worry about leaving anything behind because it could all be replaced. Well, final straw after months of me trying to leave and him begging me not to and then him begging me not to make him go I finally said go to OW. Get her out of you system. Burned his things while he was at work, sent him a picture of it and told him to tell her since she figured everything was replaceable she needed to get to replacing. Okay, only burned a few things but he didn't know that and I didn't tell him for a few days and when I did I didn't let him come back to get anything for a week. I guess he did have to go and buy some new clothes to wear for a couple of days. Was hilarious fun. Not so fun now since I miss the dumba** teribly but he'll be back just like before.

[tami-chan]

My dh's OW told him she didn't understand why he wouldn't just leave. Said she wished he wouldn't worry about leaving anything behind because it could all be replaced. Well, final straw after months of me trying to leave and him begging me not to and then him begging me not to make him go I finally said go to OW. Get her out of you system. Burned his things while he was at work, sent him a picture of it and told him to tell her since she figured everything was replaceable she needed to get to replacing. Okay, only burned a few things but he didn't know that and I didn't tell him for a few days and when I did I didn't let him come back to get anything for a week. I guess he did have to go and buy some new clothes to wear for a couple of days. Was hilarious fun. Not so fun now since I miss the dumba** teribly but he'll be back just like before.

 

And will you take the "dumba**" back just like before?

[insaneheart]

And will you take the "dumba**" back just like before?

 

Yep, probably so. Still think there's something worth salvaging but only after he can be completely rid of OW and some counseling. We only talked about counseling before but it will be a non-negotiable requirement for another chance. I won't make it as easy on him next time (if I can help myself). I'm a dumba** too!

[tami-chan]

Yep, probably so. Still think there's something worth salvaging but only after he can be completely rid of OW and some counseling. We only talked about counseling before but it will be a non-negotiable requirement for another chance. I won't make it as easy on him next time (if I can help myself). I'm a dumba** too!

 

LOL...at least you seem to have a sunnier disposition !Good luck! Hope it works out for you and him!

[beesue]

so here's a question: What would happen if one of the MM you were with secretly divorced his wife? Would you stop "spicing" him because his "boiled meat" is all gone? Because honestly....what good is spices without the meat? XD

[Lizzie60]

so here's a question: What would happen if one of the MM you were with secretly divorced his wife? Would you stop "spicing" him because his "boiled meat" is all gone? Because honestly....what good is spices without the meat? XD

 

 

I don't get the question? it happened that one of them got a divorce.. not because of me though.. I met him while he was separated... then got back with his W... then they divorced a year later..

 

We still see each other once in a while.. as a matter of fact he was supposed to come over Friday night.. but I called him to cancel... I didn't feel like it.. We'll get probably together at the end of this week instead.

[Mimolicious]

Seriously? I was kind of wondering how Lizzie found the time to write so many words. With all the MM who need her and all.

 

 

For real... It's actually demoralizing and lame that some women actually think this way. If you're so much the "IT" factor, he cant sleep without you, then why doesn't he just leave his W and go be with you?

Bogus!