Now.. my letter to the wives...

[Gamine]

True enough, even though he IS saying those things to the OW he will throw her under the bus in a heart beat. Then he will lie to the W and tell her those things were really about her and she will believe him.

 

Maybe I'm an optimistic.. or naive... or a little of both...

 

But I utterly refuse to believe that everyone who makes a mistake and has an affair is a cad... female or male. I believe we can best understand what took place in the affair not from the 'words' like lip service from the WS, but the consistency in the actions, thoughts, and emotions following the end of the affair. No, not everyone who makes a mistake is always mocking and... okay, some may at first... but after the dust settles and the person is doing the work on themselves... well, I have respect for them.

 

So maybe they all say the same thing when caught. But the BS's don't always 'believe' them. It takes quite a bit of proving sometimes.

[Mino]

Maybe I'm an optimistic.. or naive... or a little of both...

 

But I utterly refuse to believe that everyone who makes a mistake and has an affair is a cad... female or male. I believe we can best understand what took place in the affair not from the 'words' like lip service from the WS, but the consistency in the actions, thoughts, and emotions following the end of the affair. No, not everyone who makes a mistake is always mocking and... okay, some may at first... but after the dust settles and the person is doing the work on themselves... well, I have respect for them.

 

So maybe they all say the same thing when caught. But the BS's don't always 'believe' them. It takes quite a bit of proving sometimes.

Well how do you explain after the A, he suppose to be working on M again, right?

but shows up at least once a week at my door step? I am sooo sure the BS is in the dark about his "after the Affair " visits. And no, I am not going along with it. But I am sure she is thinking all is well again..... right..

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Mino.. one MM was caught emailing me.. he had left his laptop on the dining room table... she copied/pasted all his 'sent emails' (he erased everything except the 'sent messages")...

 

They went on MC.. he called me to tell me that, as soon as the dust would be settled.. and after a few months of MC sessions.. she's be OK and trustful again.. and that he would call again..

 

See.. sometimes.. they are good at lying even in MC..

[Gamine]

I agree with Mino.. one MM was caught emailing me.. he had left his laptop on the dining room table... she copied/pasted all his 'sent emails' (he erased everything except the 'sent messages")...

 

They went on MC.. he called me to tell me that, as soon as the dust would be settled.. and after a few months of MC sessions.. she's be OK and trustful again.. and that he would call again..

 

See.. sometimes.. they are good at lying even in MC..

 

 

Well the guys who pull this are so low that if they sat on a tissue their legs would dangle.

[Mino]

Well the guys who pull this are so low that if they sat on a tissue their legs would dangle.

my point Gamine, how do you know your h is not one of them? I am sure my xmm BS does not think so either

[SidLyon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gamine

...

 

But I utterly refuse to believe that everyone who makes a mistake and has an affair is a cad... female or male...

 

Well how do you explain after the A, he suppose to be working on M again, right?

but shows up at least once a week at my door step? I am sooo sure the BS is in the dark about his "after the Affair " visits. And no, I am not going along with it. But I am sure she is thinking all is well again..... right..

Well how do you explain after the A, he suppose to be working on M again, right?

but shows up at least once a week at my door step? I am sooo sure the BS is in the dark about his "after the Affair " visits. And no, I am not going along with it. But I am sure she is thinking all is well again..... right..

 

I think Gamine said not everyone - so I would explain your particular MM Mino as being one who is such a cad. Why on earth do you bother or have you ended it - sorry I can't remember? His poor BW - I feel so sad for her as she obviously doesn't know.

 

S

[boldjack]

I agree with Liz. When I was "whoring", around, I would get caught with my pants down, so to speak,, but I was a good enough liar, and good enough in the sack to make my SO believe me, and not the evidence. I did this a number of times. Then after the angst had dissipated, I would be back at it again. I'm ashamed of it, but it's true.

[Gamine]

my point Gamine, how do you know your h is not one of them? I am sure my xmm BS does not think so either

 

Well, let's put it this way. The girl he married exercised blind faith. That isn't who I am today insofar as my husband is concerned. My eyes are wide open. Also, Mino, my H didn't have a 'relationship' with the OW per se. January '08 through May of '08 he juggled 'I love you' with and ex wife and ex girlfriend... they returned the "love" and the third was a single woman who didn't know he was married. Slept with the ex girlfriend and due to the distance of 11 hours drive... limited their physical contact to 'business trips' twice. Believe me, I don't take anything for granted in terms of blind faith.

 

I already told him, Mino. He so much as makes me feel the slightest twitch concerning his interest in another woman I'll grab my passport, cash, and disappear. I wouldn't even give him the drama of a divorce. Poof.

[Gamine]

Because he isn't one of the WS's who really wants to work on anything, and he assumes, just like before, you'll continue to take him back over and over, so he continues to work you.

 

I'd threaten to turn him from a rooster to a hen if he showed up at my doorstep again. AND I'd rat him out just for the hell of it.

[Lizzie60]

my point Gamine, how do you know your h is not one of them? I am sure my xmm BS does not think so either

 

 

That was my point also... some BS are very naive.. or they just want to believe that their H are different..

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Liz. When I was "whoring", around, I would get caught with my pants down, so to speak,, but I was a good enough liar, and good enough in the sack to make my SO believe me, and not the evidence. I did this a number of times. Then after the angst had dissipated, I would be back at it again. I'm ashamed of it, but it's true.

 

 

Thank you Bold... you are honest.. I admire that about you.

 

You're a man and you know very well what is going on... I'm been around a lot too.. and I very well know what's going on... but for a BS who has never cheated.. who has only dealt with one WS, I can see that it's hard to believe...

[Lizzie60]

But EVERY WS isn't a serial cheater. Perhaps yours are, Lizzie, but what if ALL of their BS's found out they were screwing around? I'm betting many of them would never see you again.

 

 

I think that MOST WS become serial cheaters.. once they tasted it.. (for whatever reasons, it's not working at home).. they want it again and again.. they might stop for months or years.. but as soon as they get the right opportunity.. they will cheat again.. promise..

 

If ALL BS would find out.. of course some of them would leave me.. I'm not stupid.. I know that.... but in a few years down the road.. they will cheat again.. maybe not with me.. but they will..

[jasminetea]

How do you feel about the MM you have sex with, having sex with other OW?

[Lizzie60]

How do you feel about the MM you have sex with, having sex with other OW?

 

I very much doubt that my MMs have other OWs.. they have a hard time (finding the time, etc.) with one.. I don't think they would go with more than one..

[Sanafa]

I have gone back and fourth with the whole fricken cheating thing. Part of me wants to be direct in saying things that I am sure most BS will ignore, and another understands why they stay

 

But what I am starting to figure out, is everyone's need to be right outweighs reality, logic and most often helps to cushion the truth.

 

Same for both sides.

 

Maybe it is where I am.... but I have had the same thoughts before

 

I cannot for the life of me figure out how anyone for any reason ( kids, love, work) will think that someone who has lied, some multiple times and for years is not capable of doing so that you don't know again.

 

I just think it is naive.... Yes, a BS gets wiser but so does the one that got caught.... learning is a two way street and I seriously do not know how trust can ever be established (and I will always believe that is the base, the number one in a relationship)

 

I think I am just getting " therapy'd to death these days. But I read how some know about 2nd and 3rd affairs or who assume their husbands are truthful when they say they used protection.

 

How can it possible make a difference

 

Is it different if you find out about all of it at one time? Is that somehow better....they did it multiple times!

 

Why would anyone think a WS would be honest about protection, I would love to hear from the OW here but I can say that early on we were both tested and did not use protection for at least the last 6 months. I also know he lied about two things... the length of our affair by a few months ( have no idea why) and that we used protection, and had no intention of ever changing that story, hence telling me what he had "altered"

 

Sorry ladies, no offence but I really am in awe of those who will sit and say do this, do that.... this is why, explain everything away..... and all because if we ( OW or BS) are investing in something, we have such a desire to be right that it clouds logic.

 

that is fog.

[Mino]

Well, let's put it this way. The girl he married exercised blind faith. That isn't who I am today insofar as my husband is concerned. My eyes are wide open. Also, Mino, my H didn't have a 'relationship' with the OW per se. January '08 through May of '08 he juggled 'I love you' with and ex wife and ex girlfriend... they returned the "love" and the third was a single woman who didn't know he was married. Slept with the ex girlfriend and due to the distance of 11 hours drive... limited their physical contact to 'business trips' twice. Believe me, I don't take anything for granted in terms of blind faith.

 

I already told him, Mino. He so much as makes me feel the slightest twitch concerning his interest in another woman I'll grab my passport, cash, and disappear. I wouldn't even give him the drama of a divorce. Poof.

Gamine, I understand your eyes are wide open... Did I read that correctly, they were already 3 different OW?? Ok so these A were not long term, cause he got caught? Or he got tired of them? If it was a one time slip up and he is going through MLC, ok, its a mess up. But if he has had 3 ow already, he sounds like he turning into a serial cheater, and is waiting only for the dust to settle... Hope its not so for your sake...

[Lizzie60]

Gamine, I understand your eyes are wide open... Did I read that correctly, they were already 3 different OW?? Ok so these A were not long term, cause he got caught? Or he got tired of them? If it was a one time slip up and he is going through MLC, ok, its a mess up. But if he has had 3 ow already, he sounds like he turning into a serial cheater, and is waiting only for the dust to settle... Hope its not so for your sake...

 

 

My thoughts exactly.. I think she better keep her passport up to date.. and stack cash.. because she will be out the door..

[Mino]

Sanafa, of coarse mm get better. They will just go deeper underground... It would be almost impossible for a bs to figure it out at the begining. Only after many months-years, if he slacks up, does she have an oppurtunity to catch him. BUT because she believes he has been good all this time, she will brush it off as unbelievable, It would really have to be "in her face where she couldnt deny, cause I dont think she wants to know because of all the hurt that comes with having to aknowlege he is cheating again

[Mino]

My thoughts exactly.. I think she better keep her passport up to date.. and stack cash.. because she will be out the door..

yeah Lizzie, 3 ow does not sound like a messup, more like a habit...

[Mino]

Lizzie, what surprises me is how much the BS wnts to believe THEIR Hubands are different.... They get more credit then due....While BS is ranting to friends and neighbors who remorseful DH is and how much he has changed, he is already in bed with the next....or the same

[Sanafa]

Sanafa, of coarse mm get better. They will just go deeper underground... It would be almost impossible for a bs to figure it out at the begining. Only after many months-years, if he slacks up, does she have an oppurtunity to catch him. BUT because she believes he has been good all this time, she will brush it off as unbelievable, It would really have to be "in her face where she couldnt deny, cause I dont think she wants to know because of all the hurt that comes with having to aknowlege he is cheating again

 

 

I just go ok... whatever, we all make choices.

 

Truth.... My MM went out of the marriage for 10 years.... never had an affair but certainly choose a far more safer method ( discretion wise) and while I think an Affair - if fullblown is only a matter of time, going out of the marriage can go on for years without anyone ever finding out.

 

Fact... Had he continued his alternative activities and not truly been looking for more, he would have never been found out. An hour or two here or there is far too easy to account for, especially if either of you have any sort of life without each other.

 

I am just at a place... believe what you need to, but to suggest any of us have the answer's.... it's the idea we need to be right, but certainly not because we are.

[Mino]

I just go ok... whatever, we all make choices.

 

Truth.... My MM went out of the marriage for 10 years.... never had an affair but certainly choose a far more safer method ( discretion wise) and while I think an Affair - if fullblown is only a matter of time, going out of the marriage can go on for years without anyone ever finding out.

 

Fact... Had he continued his alternative activities and not truly been looking for more, he would have never been found out. An hour or two here or there is far too easy to account for, especially if either of you have any sort of life without each other.

 

I am just at a place... believe what you need to, but to suggest any of us have the answer's.... it's the idea we need to be right, but certainly not because we are.

its not about needing to be right..... Do i need to take a picture of mm standing on my doorstep to prove my point? Maybe I should, but guess what, bs wouldnt believe it anyway, she would think he delivered the newspaper:laugh:

[Sanafa]

its not about needing to be right..... Do i need to take a picture of mm standing on my doorstep to prove my point? Maybe I should, but guess what, bs wouldnt believe it anyway, she would think he delivered the newspaper:laugh:

 

Well... that might work

 

But no seriously, I have been off the boards, busy with work and really thinking about the MC/IC and just humans in general.

 

I thought about all the people I know in IC and really looked to see if they have truly changed, the answer.... not really--- they just understand themselves better.

 

So.... to spend upwards of 5 years questioning, beating yourself up, arguing and putting " you better toe the line" pressures on a marriage that sorry again, couldn't have been that great... It makes no sense to me.

 

Other than the need to show people you can do it.... you can stay committed and look at us, we did it.... Maybe but at what cost?

 

All these boards and there are very very few that say ( and again are saying it anonymously, so we don't know) that there marriages are better.

 

I believe in marriage and have been in a long term relationship...so for those thinking I do not, I do

 

BUT I also truly believe life is precious, why put someone both profess to love so much through that???

 

I think most MM will remain faithful for sometime after a DDay... it's draining, and even for me the last thing I am thinking about is sex.....but time, a year... maybe 18 months..... especially if it is filled with "great one day/killing each other the next", like so many experience here..... the WS is going to remmeber (MC or not) what those feeling were like, again especially if they were emotional.... and I can 100% say I would not be willing to let the WS "mourn" an affair.... if he has to mourn it, it wasn't a fantasy my friends, it was real.

 

Can't mourn something that wasn't alive.....sorry, I would lose my mind watching my SO in his "missing state"

[Mino]

Well... that might work

 

But no seriously, I have been off the boards, busy with work and really thinking about the MC/IC and just humans in general.

 

I thought about all the people I know in IC and really looked to see if they have truly changed, the answer.... not really--- they just understand themselves better.

 

So.... to spend upwards of 5 years questioning, beating yourself up, arguing and putting " you better toe the line" pressures on a marriage that sorry again, couldn't have been that great... It makes no sense to me.

 

Other than the need to show people you can do it.... you can stay committed and look at us, we did it.... Maybe but at what cost?

 

All these boards and there are very very few that say ( and again are saying it anonymously, so we don't know) that there marriages are better.

 

I believe in marriage and have been in a long term relationship...so for those thinking I do not, I do

 

BUT I also truly believe life is precious, why put someone both profess to love so much through that???

 

I think most MM will remain faithful for sometime after a DDay... it's draining, and even for me the last thing I am thinking about is sex.....but time, a year... maybe 18 months..... especially if it is filled with "great one day/killing each other the next", like so many experience here..... the WS is going to remmeber (MC or not) what those feeling were like, again especially if they were emotional.... and I can 100% say I would not be willing to let the WS "mourn" an affair.... if he has to mourn it, it wasn't a fantasy my friends, it was real.

 

Can't mourn something that wasn't alive.....sorry, I would lose my mind watching my SO in his "missing state"

Sanafa, you sound very down... are you ok? I dont know for some reason I thought you were the ow, sorry... You sound like your still in alot of pain, I wish you peace, (( hugs )) mino

[Sanafa]

Sanafa, you sound very down... are you ok? I dont know for some reason I thought you were the ow, sorry... You sound like your still in alot of pain, I wish you peace, (( hugs )) mino

 

 

Thanks Mino.... I am the OW

 

Not pain at all.... just frustration with all the " therapy" of humans... it's like come on people... logic..... can we use some logic.

 

I am actually busy which has been a god send and feeling pretty good... and just getting back to who I am....accepting people rather than constantly wanting them to change or be something different.