dating and ex wife

[susanl]

Okay again thanks to everyone on all the help in this new phase in my life--you all have been a lifesaver through the separation, divorce and the new best phase of dating. Well here is the question I have met this wonderful man who is also divorced and have been dating him for almost 3 months. He is wonderful treats me great cooks is thoughtful etc...didn't think they made them like this anymore (lol) He is also divorced and has 2 children, as do I, who I get along with wonderfully. The problem is his ex wife. She is a domineering bitch--sorry but she takes advantage of him asks him to do things and uses the kids as pawns. Unfortunately he wants for the sake of the kids to try to make everyone happy--so he does things to a degree. But now all the sudden he wants to have the "4" of them do something together--and his reason is --and i do believe him--that he thinks it will make it easier on him in the long run for all of them and she will stop pestering him and threatening him. I know i believe him and yes I trust him but all I see is me sitting at home by myself and him doing things with his ex wife and kids (by the way that i adore). I guess in a nut shell is what makes guys do this and why--I understand trying to smooth over a bad situation but why?? Oh well thanks for any advice

[lostforwords]

Im very interested in seeing the replies as Iam an ex.... (not divorced yet however am working on it) and when I ask my exhub to do things for me/with me he pretty much complies..... however i dont use my children, theres absolute no need for that..... but iam curious as my friends feel that he does still love me..... i can be domineering when i dont get my way... ok i can too be a bitch.... however.... im sure i have caused a riff a time or 2 with him and his girlfriend. id like 2 know why he does this as well.

 

just curious......

[lilac]

I don't like this situation one bit. I don't know how long he has been divorced and how old his kids are but this is wrong for several reasons.

 

I too am dating a man for 6 months whose divorce is almost final. He has custody of the kids and his soon to be ex wife is a bitch. She doesn't ask him to do things because she has a live-in boyfriend but she is still a pain in the ass. She used to call all the time or have the kids call when we had free time to ourselves just to interrupt us and annoy us. We finally told her to knock it off or we were going to file harassment charges against her. There is no way in hell that my boyfriend would do anything for her or with her.

 

An ex is an ex is an ex....my bf and his ex hate each other. This may not be the best for the kids but she has created this situation by being such a bitch. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being friendly to an ex, especially if there are kids involved. However, I frown upon them spending time together as a "family" for 2 reasons.

 

1. the kids will get confused and think that mommy and daddy are getting back together....not good.

2. How will this make you feel? Why is he not spending time with you and the kids? you would think this would be more important in the event that you become a stepmommy. wouldn't he want to build the relationship among you, him and the kids.

 

It's your decision, but I would take a stand and draw the line now...this is not right. Good Luck!!

[lostforwords]

well just to give a bit of history here id like to say i ended it with him after over 10 years of marriage.... but there wasnt any closure...... none.... when i call him for things most times tho its for good reason too.... example taking me to the hospital..... the other thing is most times he offers to do things for me.... example.... my computer broke down and when i was telling him about it he said he would be right over to fix it as he knew what the problem was..... and just to let you know as well.... he has kept secrets from her regarding us.... no we havent slept together however stuff hes told me about his relationship with her and advice hes asked for..... were very much good friends still and yeh we have our days where we do fight like cats and dogs and its usually because of how he talks to me on the phone.... see when she is there he is very cold/blunt/and can be an ass.... however when shes not there..... hes funny/flirty/and understanding..... and trust me i always know when shes around..... i can hear it in his voice.... all of our friends feel were still in love with eachother.... now im not saying that is in either one of your cases.... however most times she does not know what kind of person he is when she is not around..... as far as bringing the kids into it.... never have never will.... thats just a given..... my children are teenagers so they know the difference.... its not unnormal for him and i to get into playful wrestling matches either when we see eachother however again that is both of our nature..... and just to let you know as well.... i was the one that set him up with her.... as i felt he wasnt moving on and to this day they are still together..... whether they are truly happy..... i just dont know..... its been 4 years since we split almost 5.... theyve been together almost 3. but there is one thing tho i will not tolerate and thats when she involves herself when it comes to our kids..... any decisions that are made regarding them are ours..... and when she did try to involve herself..... he nipped it in the bud immediately..... he does not ever involve himself to her daughter who is living with them and he feels she shouldnt with ours.... i know it sounds complicated but it actually works for us. will we ever get back together? I strongly doubt it.... however i still consider him to be my best friend. it just didnt work for us to be married.

[delia88]

Hi,

 

I was wondering how things are going since your last posting? I too am dating a man with a child but the divorce is not final. I hear the person getting the divorce flips out when the divorce is final and stops dating the person due to fear of being able to comitt again once the papers are final. The husband and wife are civial to one another and sharing custody 50/50 os going well. Have things calmed down for you?

 

Thanks.

[susanl]

Hi,

I don't really know that things have calmed down or I have gotten used to the situation and just accepted it or that maybe he sees a little bit of what I am talking about. For example, we went away last weekend and she had the kids, he had left her some money to take them to a restaurant to watch the football game but she got there to late and the kids didn't get to see the game they wanted to--(she doesn't have the cable station it was on)--so the kids got mad at the mom and she took it out on them that he was away with me having fun. Well the kids got mad at the dad and kind of all hell broke loose but in the end he saw what she was doing. Like I said I think you just have to take the situation on a day to day basis. Maybe things will be different a year from now but right now I figure if she doesn't noticiably bother me then I have the upper hand in that situation. I just think that ex's that are like this just want everyone to be miserable like they are. Hope things are going well with your situation.

[HurtinginVA]

Not divorced myself, but thought Id pop in here. If me and hubby were to divorce I would expect him to participate in "family" outings and such with me and our son. I look at it like no one else that either of us would have in our lives (gf/bf) would step in for the mom/dad role. I think family is very important, and for the sake of our son, we, even if divorced, should continue doing family things. Id like to be able to show my son that even though mommy and daddy arent "together" we are still "together" for him. Growing up in a broken home, I suppose, is what makes me feel like that. Just my humble opinion.