Friend zone question - short read :) im lying.

[gregp]

Hi,

 

So; The friend zone. If it exists. Maybe more directed to the women on this forum (if there are any ) Do you put guys in the friend zone primarily due to physical appearance reasons or reasons of behavior? aka the guy puts himself there... Combination of both?

 

Say I hang out with a girl (crush) not that frequently, just from time to time, certain events, concerts maybe clubs, she is always the one asking, when I ask I usually get rejected, so I was noticing that the places we go there is usually not always (in her defence) this other guy "friend" of hers around with his girlfriend. Whenever that guys girlfriend is around she becomes irritated.

 

So anyways a day after my birthday she wants to do something, sounded great, so this time the guy is with her but without his gf, I mean I thought I was atleast recieving some signals but with this guy she was agressively flirting Probably her chance since his gf was not around.

 

I became pissed off and jealous, so I decided to leave pretty soon, just walked off didnt say goodbye. Childish I know. I was just upset didnt expect that as a bday present. Later that night she IM's me asking why I left so suddenly.... I dont know why she asked this, she is a smart girl, educated, she must have figured out I am obviously into her

 

Anyhows days later we meet and I apologize for being such an ass that night, I said it in a sort of "letting it go" kind of way and I swear there were tears in her eyes for a sec... Which doesnt mean anything perhaps...

 

So I guess I was just some sort of tool to her? you know maybe to irritate the other dude?

 

As of late I just accepted my status as a friend, since I still like being around her.

 

It's kinda stupid, almost funny picture yourself in a train 4 people. you are into her, she is into him and he is sitting next to his gf, if there should be a another situation like this I might drop this "So should we settle this with a 4some?"

[WTRanger]

If you have to question the existence of the friend zone, then you are probably dead center in it.

 

As of late I just accepted my status as a friend, since I still like being around her.

 

BULLSH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Accept nothing less than a relationship with her if you even have the slightest ounce of feelings for this girl. If you accept anything less, you will be living in a perpetual state of hell. It's either go out with her as as romantic interest or walk away. There is no middle ground here except pain.

 

Leaving unexpectedly is not a very clear sign that you are into her. Asking her on a date is a very clear sign you are into her.

[Thornton]

I think it's terrible to dump a friendship just because the other person doesn't want a relationship. Surely you should like the person enough as a friend to continue being their friend even if they don't want any more than that?

 

Several years ago my so-called best friend decided that he wanted to date me, and he tried to blackmail me by saying if I didn't want to date him then he didn't want to be my friend any more. So basically our whole 3yr friendship was a lie based on the fact that he wanted to get in my pants, and when he found out he would never get in my pants then suddenly he didn't want to know me any more. If he valued our friendship at all he'd have still wanted to continue being friends even if I didn't want to date him. I can only assume that he was never my true friend to begin with.

 

OP, if you're genuinely friends with this girl you should be her friend regardless of whether or not she wants to date you. If you're only pretending to be her friend in order to get in her pants, at least be honest about it. Perhaps she doesn't even realise you want more than friendship; you need to be clear with her about your feelings, and even if she doesn't reciprocate at least you'll know where you stand.

[lizzy_09]

Do you put guys in the friend zone primarily due to physical appearance reasons or reasons of behavior? aka the guy puts himself there... Combination of both?

 

I put guys in the friends zone when I feel that their is no connection. If I know he feels something for me and the feeling isn't mutual, I usually set the record straight that there can be nothing more between us but friendship, so if he expects to tag along with me, he shouldn't expect anything more then that. And if I know he can't manage that, then I'd find an excuse to make sure that I'm always busy enough and have no time for him. This way I won't offend him and sense that I'm avoiding him for the sole purpose that he'd loose interest in me.

[WTRanger]

Surely you should like the person enough as a friend to continue being their friend even if they don't want any more than that?

 

If you have even the slightest hint of feelings for that person still, that is an impossible request. It's cut and dry, you cannot be just "friends" with someone you have a romantic interest in. You have to deal with those feelings first and properly before you can even think of continuing as friends. Anything less, you are just kidding yourself and the other person. Once you get over those feelings, can you be friends? Of course! But first things first. And it's not a quick, oh I slept on it for 6 hours and I decided I'm no longer romantically interested in you. It's a long process.

 

he tried to blackmail me by saying if I didn't want to date him then he didn't want to be my friend any more.

 

It's also not blackmail if someone tells you even after three years that either it's a relationship or nothing. I don't know the whole story, so perhaps I'm wrong. But on the surface, I take that as the guy being honest and direct. Sometimes, once you find out there is no shot at dating someone you just really don't feel like being just a friend to them. Sometimes it's too hard.

 

If he valued our friendship at all he'd have still wanted to continue being friends even if I didn't want to date him. I can only assume that he was never my true friend to begin with.

 

I take it differently than that. If he still had feelings for you and hung around you, the both of you are living a lie. How is that being a "true" friend? If you relied on his advice and because of his feelings for you his advice was always skewed, how is he being a real friend? How are you being a real friend by keeping him around, knowing full well the attention he gives you? Is it for some ego boost or a dick in a glass case for those lonely nights? You lie to him by keeping him around so he thinks that just maybe there's a shot, even if you never intend to give him those vibes. He'll change everything you do to fit his feelings. He lies to you by acting like he's over you when he's really not. So, again, where's the real friendship at? To me, him ending that lie was being a better friend and feeding into that lie.

 

Face it, sometimes men and women simply just cannot be friends. Which is a good thing, because if we did that the world would be a much less populated place. Sometimes I think we forget that the two sexes are built to be drawn to each other not for a shopping buddy or a movie buddy, but for something a wee bit more primal.

[gregp]

you will be living in a perpetual state of hell.

 

In that right now.

 

It's either go out with her as as romantic interest or walk away. There is no middle ground here except pain.

 

Walking away is easier said than done.

 

you need to be clear with her about your feelings, and even if she doesn't reciprocate at least you'll know where you stand.

 

Sounds like a plan

[Dolos]

I fully agree with wtranger, if you want to be more than friends there really isn't room for middle ground. It really wont end well for you if you try to compromise. Do make sure to tell her how you feel though, it would be pretty unfair to her if you started easing off her and she didn't even know why. Usually women can pick up when somebody is interested in them, but there's exceptions.

 

I know I'm coming off as somewhat fatalistic, but in my experience Ive yet to see it end well between two friends where one is interested and one isn't. That is, without the interested friend cutting contact for at least a little while, enough to get him or herself into an actual relationship. If it goes that far just explain to her that its really ****ty for you having to be around her but not able to be with her, especially if you have to watch her flirt with other guys. If shes actually your friend she will understand.

[WTRanger]

That is, without the interested friend cutting contact for at least a little while, enough to get him or herself into an actual relationship. If it goes that far just explain to her that its really ****ty for you having to be around her but not able to be with her, especially if you have to watch her flirt with other guys. If shes actually your friend she will understand.

 

Dolos, you hit it square on the head again, with the bold part outlined as one of the critical measures here. This is where the friendship is tested. Firstly, the OP has to understand that his girl may or may not quite grasp what is going on. To her, she's just losing a friend and that might hurt her. However if she's never been on the wrong end of unbalanced love, then she'll not understand fully what he is going through. Which leads into your point. She'll have to understand it's not just about her and what she wants. She's got to understand that he has to take time for himself. Anything less, she was just using him as an ego boost and she really wasn't a real friend.

 

Gregp, I know it's easier said than done to walk away. Think of it this way though. If you were an alcoholic, the best way to cure yourself is by giving it up right completely. Right? You can't say, "Well, I'm only going to drink beer and that'll solve my alcohol problems."

 

You've got to be honest with her and hope that she'll be honest in return. You can't control how she'll handle this, you can only control what you do.

[Awesome84]

Whenever that guys girlfriend is around she becomes irritated.

 

 

This is the part that keeps haunting me as I am reading your post. It seems like she likes the other guy and is using you to make him jealous. I could be wrong tho.

 

Anyway... I usually friendzone a guy if there isn't any chemistry... Chemistry meaning: physical attraction. It doesn't necessarily mean that I think the guy is ugly, just that there wasn't a spark. So if I like him as a person, and I am not attracted to him, then he will get 'friendzoned'.

 

Don't blame yourself... being friendzoned isn't usually your fault. It's usually just based on the other persons preferences.

 

Only be this girl's friend if you like her as a person and are not just physically attracted to her... because that will get you nowhere.

[gregp]

This is the part that keeps haunting me as I am reading your post. It seems like she likes the other guy and is using you to make him jealous. I could be wrong tho.

 

Upon reflection those are my thoughts too. Before going to a concert with them, days before she told me, "hey if they don't show up on time we just go without them, they don't need us" but when it came to it, she insisted on waiting . I was of course thinking that that would be great, but now I think it was just to protect herself.

 

So anyways ill make my feelings crystal clear, and if rejected (likely ) atleast I know whats up and will probably have it easier to move on !

[Jordanjames]

I have to agree with the other posters because I have been in this situation myself. Although my situation is a little bit different I actually did go out with the guy we did have sex but in the end it didn't work out. But for seven long years me and this guy were "just friends" before we got involved sexually last year.

 

I tried to do the whole "be his friend" thing but it was just too hard. I kept on wondering "what is he doing with other guys?" I was driving myself mad. I realized the reason I wasn't getting over this person was because I was constantly around him. I needed to break free from him.

 

In June of this year I just told him "I have to be honest with my feelings and I can't be your friend anymore. You are a good person but I just can't."

 

I told him to call his cell phone company and block my cell phone number and home phone number. I deleted him and his friends from my facebook page. My cell phone company Virgin can't block people so I told him call his cell phone company and block me. If Virgin allowed me to block him I definitely would of done it.

 

He said "there are other ways you can contact me."

I said "I don't want to contact you I want to move on."

He said "if it's space what you need I can give you space."

I said "No I just want to move on with my life."

 

He appeared shocked and very angry at me he said "this sounds permanent" I didn't answer. He said "is there anything else you want to say?" He continued "I can't believe you are saying this?"

 

I said "I want to move on with my life."

 

He said "fine I get it you are dumping me as your friend". He sounded very upset and hanged up on me. I have not talked to him since.

 

Of course it's going to hurt for the OP but in the long run you will survive and life will go on. I won't lie to you I have good days and bad days. But you will survive this. It's hard for me too in my situation but I realize I have to do this for my own happiness. I suggest the OP think about his own happiness that's what is important. If this person can't give you what you want which is a relationship then you must move on. I had to do that in my situation because I realized this guy wasn't giving me what I wanted. I told myself in June I had to stop lying to myself and I haven't spoken to him since that time.

[gregp]

I don't get it. It sounds to me like this guy was never in your friendzone.

 

Tell me ladies, say you have friendzoned a guy, do you still wonder what he does out with other girls? Sounds like a contradiction to me.

 

either way, im still to daft to come straight with her, today we went to see a movie, alone, which was weird since she normally always brings company, but after she said she was tired and headed home, even though she was once again the one who wanted to go see a movie. It's kinda sucky because it gets my hopes up, briefly.

 

I think she just genuinely cares as a friend, since a week before we talked and I wanted to do something but she was busy, so this seemed like a "because last week didnt work out, hang out thing"

 

Why do women even take care of their platonic friends? I don't hang out with women I am not sexually interested in. I feel like I want to get it all out of one person the romantic and the friend part. While women just layout their table with all kinds of different "tools" each one dedicated to a single or only a few purposes And thats just cruel to a man. imho

[WTRanger]

While women just layout their table with all kinds of different "tools" each one dedicated to a single or only a few purposes And thats just cruel to a man. imho

 

You know that thing that runs down the center of your back, and it's used to keep you upright? It's called a spine. USE IT!

 

Stop playing the victim here. She's not doing this to you, YOU ARE DOING IT TO YOURSELF!

[vanilla87]

I think I've figured out one of the many reasons why we put guys in friends zones, yet still keep them around: we treat you like any other friend we have.

 

If we are very close to you we will treat you like your another best friend. We love having you around for those nights when we just need a guy, cause hanging with our own kind (aka-women), can get annoying, especially since men like drama free situations, well most do.

 

ANYWAY, my point is that your there as the opposite sex best friend. The guy we can ask if something is stupid and get a real honest answer or if we are having a truly crappy day, if we come to you, we trust you a lot more then you realize, cause we normally go to our female best friends or sit alone on days like that. We enjoy it when you can keep us happy, cause if were single and sad, you remind us that not all guys are jerks and want us because were attractive or pretty or beautiful.

 

Its good to have a guy friend that just that and nothing more. Cause then we can do the same for you, unless she is selfish, then run man run lol. But overall if she is a good friend she won't abuse the friendship and actually be there for support and hope you give it without asking. We like that when a guy can just know were upset. If you can do that as our friend, you have a better chance down the road of finding out a lot more then you can imagine. Like the possibility that she could confine in you that she may or may not had a crush on you at some point. We confine in guys about a lot more things then girls, especially if were uber comfy and most will at some point admit if she did or did not have any attraction to him. It different with each girl, so don't push it or it won't happen.

 

Anyway, you never know it could be a test when she does open up to you. Some girls will test her guys friends to see if he just wants to sleep with her. If your too attracted then we back off or abuse the friendship, because you ended up putting the ball in our court which makes us manipulate the entire friendship for our benefit. So don't be a doormat or too aloof or too flirtatious with us. We pick up on that stuff. All women have that kind of radar in the pit of their stomach that tells us when we know you have a motive. About 70-80% of will ignore it the first couple of times, unless we like the guy, we wait till we get a clear signal so we don't make a fool of ourselves.

 

Anyway, my main point is, don't be all agreeable with her if you like her or even not pay attention to certain phrases. Sometimes when we mean "coffee" we can mean just hanging out and nothing more, or hanging out and something more. Its always by the tone and if anyone else is coming along. So disagree with her, be honest, but don't be jealous unless she likes you too, then you look like a paranoid jerk.

 

Sorry for rambling on, but I had to get some of that out there for guys to know. This is just from personal experience and from other friends and family from what they went through. But 8 out of 10 will have very very similar to what I've mentioned above.

 

I will say that, the more romantic a girl is, like she loves getting flowers, jewelry, fancy dinners, kisses in the rain, big gestures, the more likely she will either be of the two: very girly pamper type or the very dramatic soap opera type. They just expect a guy to give her a lot more attention, especially the first 3-6 months of a relationship.

 

 

If any of you guys have questions about friend zone stuff, let me know. I'm more then welcome to answer some of your questions.

[mike88]

Anyway' date=' you never know it could be a test when she does open up to you. Some girls will test her guys friends to see if he just wants to sleep with her. If your too attracted then we back off or abuse the friendship, because you ended up putting the ball in our court which makes us manipulate the entire friendship for our benefit. So don't be a doormat or too aloof or too flirtatious with us. We pick up on that stuff. All women have that kind of radar in the pit of their stomach that tells us when we know you have a motive. About 70-80% of will ignore it the first couple of times, unless we like the guy, we wait till we get a clear signal so we don't make a fool of ourselves.[/quote']

 

If someone felt the need to 'test' me to see if I would sleep with them then I wouldn't want to be their friend anyway. You should be able to talk to a friend about anything and have respect for each other, not play mind games to find out where you stand with them.

[vanilla87]

If someone felt the need to 'test' me to see if I would sleep with them then I wouldn't want to be their friend anyway. You should be able to talk to a friend about anything and have respect for each other, not play mind games to find out where you stand with them.

 

True, but thats what most women will do. If she has ever been truly hurt by a guy, she will test guys left and right to know if he is being real with her or just string her alone. Its a security thing. We need to know your in it for real.

 

And also any guy that is friend zone that thinks the bad boy or the jerk gets all the girls? not always true, they may end up sleeping with her, but they won't end up dating her really. But there is a reason why guys like that rope us in so easily. They have confidence and are not afraid to look like dork or silly in front of us. They also make a good first impression by actually making the first move. Even if its a smile or a "hello" that counts as a first move in our books. But some girls need more. Like an actually conversation to know if we can see it going somewhere. But we know in the first 5-10 minutes if we want to date the guy or not anyway.

 

The only way that changes is if you pull out the a**hole card in front of us. Then we either friend zone you or just don't bother with you at all. If your a jerk form the start, we accept that. But the thing is about 90% of women are looking for a guy they can "change". I mean look at guys that have been in a relationship for over 8 months, doesn't he seem different in aspects when he wasn't with the girl? Like say willing to voice more opinions or not do much?

 

Here is the thing, if a girl friend zones you and she likes you she won't try and change you. I notice that about relationships where guys and girls we were close friends didn't try and change each other. That could be the one problem maybe or maybe not.

 

Anyway, maybe its not such a bad thing being her friend, cause when you date a girl, she doesn't tell you everything and she doesn't feel the need to be that honest about the other guys in her life if your her boyfriend. She won't come running to you with all of her problems and won't feel the need to be buddy-buddy all the time too. We tend to be a little more soft and sweet with boyfriends then just guy friends. So look at it this way you have more access to her emotionally and mentally then her boyfriends or potential dates.

 

I can understand being annoyed if she talks about the guy a lot, just tell her. But don't be mean about it. Try and say something along the lines like:

 

"You know thats great about "_______", but I think for the next hour, we should just hang out and not talk about him. Cause I like spending time with you its just that I don't want to waste our time together talking about something that isn't "________". Let me make a deal how about this weekend you can tell me about him some more, just that your here with me, your good friend "______" and I want your complete attention so your not worried or thinking anything bad/wrong/weird/etc.. thoughts about him tonight. You need a break mental from your guy tonight. It'll do you good and the relationship/friendship/potential some good in the long run, trust me..."

 

 

 

That would show you care not only about her, but your care about the friendship you have with her. It also shows you care enough for her well being and want to make her happy. A selfless guy is an amazing guy to any woman and we love that! You have to prove to her that your here for her no matter what, that you will make it your purpose to keep her happy. And when you do, if she is very aware of things, she will always try and keep you happy. Thats a good balanced male/female friendship is suppose to be.

 

Its only unbalanced when one of you tries to make the other happy and they don't even try to when your feeling down. Thats an abusive friend who is just there to fill her needs and nothing else. Thats when you gotta back off and let her realize that you are important to her. If she still doesn't get it then, walk away till she has either truly changed or just stay away altogether.

 

Guys don't ever let a girl take advantage of a friendship. Always be straight up with her if she is, but don't be mean when you word how you feel and especially check your attitude at the door if your not in a good mood or she will be mean to you too.

[gregp]

Gaaah, met her after a while (class) again, I got greeted with "you've changed!" I guess I got some false hopes...Also; I got more touchy, not in a creepy way (at least I hope

 

Anyways later we chatted online and she asked me what I was up to and I said that I was going out that night, she said something along these lines

 

"with who?" "I hope you find some hot girls!"

(I guess here she is disqualifying herself?) Anyway I replied:

 

"Well far as I know you are not coming, so dunno about the hot girls .... but quite possibly yeah"

 

I mean that should be fairly clear from me? She got it anyway I know it.

 

Days later she invited me to another concert, I was like oh great we should totally go!

But then she said she was bringing another friend.

So I was like "ohh..." (I guess I sounded a bit disappointed )

 

She replied "yeahyeah, thats not what I meant, but you can come, otherwise I wouln't ask."

 

So we end up at the frickin concert and I quickly realise im like the third girlfriend just with a dick. That made it hard for me for even to enjoy myself.

 

What if I just grab her by the hand these days, and tell her that I really do like her, and that I know that it isn't mutual at least not on the same level, and that those hang outs are just not very productive for a guy.....I don't want to be an ass, but whats the point....

[Mary3]

Dude , you are in a WORLD of HURT if you continue this.

 

Lets make this simple : Is she in your arms tonight ? Did you kiss her and hold her as you watched the flames die down in the wood burning fireplace ?

 

Are you both burning up the phone lines professing your great love for one another ?

 

Is she talking about / seeing / texting / sleeping with / other guys ?

 

Get REAL !

 

You can keep posting and kidding yourself but remember : If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and acts like a duck...well....its probrobly a duck !

 

You wont be the first or the last to get us to convince you that its COOL to be a buddy with a girl that you want to sleep with. NOT !

 

And why do we put you in the friendzone ? Because you don't stir up our loins...you don't do anything for us....You dont make us swooon....we can't imagine kissing you or having your babies..

 

This guy she is chasing THATS the one she wants to do the deed with.

 

This is brutal but its the truth. The sooner you move on the better you will be.

[miss_sapphire]

Do you put guys in the friend zone primarily due to physical appearance reasons or reasons of behavior?

It's usually because I'm not physically attracted to them.

 

It's cut and dry, you cannot be just "friends" with someone you have a romantic interest in. You have to deal with those feelings first and properly before you can even think of continuing as friends.

QFT.

 

Why do women even take care of their platonic friends?

Because they see you as their friend? Just like there are ladies men who genuinely enjoy female company as well as taking care of women.

 

Anyway, please, OP, just tell her how you feel already, and if she says no to your advances just MOVE ON!!!!!!!! It's better to be rejected once and for all than be in limbo indefinitely. Please do not make my mistake! You don't want to get your hopes up, only to have them crushed again and again and again. The emotional roller coaster ride is too much for anyone. Please stop yourself from going down that route before it's too late...

Edited November 9, 2009 by miss_sapphire

[LoveLace]

It can be done...my best friend in the world is a guy. He knows I had a crush on him many years ago, and even though we spend all possible time together, he does not want to be my boyfriend. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. But he's my companion, social buddy, and shoulder to lean on (as I am to him). I don't know what I would do without that from him. To me, all of those things are way more important than weather or not we are going in a romantic direction.

 

It depends on the person...an individual might not be able to be friends and have feelings too, they might not handle it well or whatever. It IS possible to be friends, if you know how to handle certain feelings or situations. In my case, the friendship is just that good. He's a wonderful man, even a dream guy almost, if you will. But along with many, many other men - you never know if I were to get romantic with him and regret it, once we learn their deepest flaws and have them get on our nerves, and leave yourself wondering why did you think so highly of him again? Wouldn't want that to happen. I'd rather stay his friend and enjoy the non-pressure situation.

 

But that's just me..

 

Obviously the OP is struggling, and I've been there...but found my way to peace with the matter. The OP may or may not be able to do the same. He should decide this soon, though, and act on it.

Edited November 14, 2009 by LoveLace

[gregp]

Hi guys & girls

 

So I didn't see her that often anymore, also got involved with this other girl and one of her gf's. Anyway I got invited to this party the other day by one of her friends, she was there too, (I think I didn't even greet her properly )

 

So we eventually start talking and it was just a good atmosphere amongst all and fun. When I went to the other room to change the music she briefly sat on my lap singing some lyrics of a song (not in english) "You are the greatest thing for me..." we both like this band so I know how the song continues which comes into play when we all head as a group to the club, this where she hugs me and sort of wraps her arms around me and as we walk she continues the song "...and I just wanted to make sure you feel the same about me..."

 

I took this positively, so when we all left I gave her a good bye kiss, which kinda surprised her, since she normally only hugs me. As I walked away she touched my arm (and I don't mean the "hey look over there casual way").

 

Despite all this the other dude was there and she was just as intimate with him as always, but she tries to be a lot more "kissy" if you will, with him. I still feel as the teddy you can cuddle but not love.

 

Ill dig deeper into this...but im unsure if she was just making sure we stay friends or possibly has started to see a little more potential.

[skydiveaddict]

Once you've been sent to the friendzone, there is no escape.

[4givrnt4gtr]

When do I friendzone a guy??

 

Hmm well sometimes if im not physically attracted to him

OR

Like recently, if although Im physically attracted to him, certain aspects of his personality makes it so I KNOW we would crash and burn at any attempt for a relationship.

 

In your case OP...RUN FOR THE HILLS

 

This girl knows you're into her and she is taking all your attention with having to give anything back. Trust me, its cold and cruel but we love attention and if its freely given, we'll take it. Especially when you dont ask anything in return. So either tell her you like her (and prepare for her to say she doesnt feel that way, in which case you are free of any hopes) or cut your loses now, save face and walk away from her. Stop hoping for little signs and signals. As Ive come to learn the hard way, when someone likes you, man or woman they'll let you know in no uncertain terms.

 

You can do better than this my man.

[gregp]

Hi thanks for reading, but are you sure you considered my last post? (2 above this) and not just the initial one? I want to find out what shes doing there.

[skydiveaddict]

she's just flirting with you