He got me pregnant.Left me. Now he's back.We R sleeping together again.He wont commit

[Polarisgrl30]

I was married for twelve years and went through a divorce. I have two children from that marriage. A 13 year old girl and 11 year old son. I didnt date anyone for a long time after. Until I met Carlos. I am 34. Carlos is 24. I had never dated a younger guy before, but I fell head over heels for him. The times we shared and happiness I felt made the age difference non existant. Id never felt this strong about anyone before. I got pregnant. He freaked and tried to get me not to have the baby. When I refused to terminate the pregnancy, he left me and went back to his home state of Florida. I stayed in contact with his sister who lives here in Texas through out my pregnancy, but all I got from him was maybe two phone calls. I went through it alone except for my two other children. It was hard on all of us. They had grown to love Carlos and had got close to him, unlike their own Dad who is not much of a father. Five months ago, I delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl. Carlos wasn't there when she was born, eventhough we told him I was being induced on that day. He took a plane down here to meet her when she was three weeks old. It was then that we had the discussion about "us". I wanted to be a family. It was then in this heated discussion that he told me I had been "played". I found it hard to believe as much time as we had spent together and the times we had. Plus, when we were dating he was always either at work, at home sleeping (at his sisters house), or with me. Not to mention that he would drive an hour to see me almost every night after work. I don't see where he could have the time to have been out playing, also, driving that far every night justy to "play" me. I still have a hard time believing that. His sister said that he only said that because he was mad at the time. A month later he ended up moving back here to Texas to be close to his daughter. At first, he would come pick her up every Sunday for a few hours and take her back to his sisters. He seemed very "cold" which hurt me every time. After a while, he started staying longer here and visiting all of us. He got a job working nights and soon he wound up staying the two days and nights he was off work here. Dureing the work week he stayed at his sisters. He was sleeping on the couch the nights he was here. Three weeks ago, things changed. Something happened and we slept together. He told me right before that he could not "commit" right now. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else, but he couldn't commit. Pathetically, I went ahead and slept with him, just to be close to him like that again. I love him so much. So ever since then, we are back in a sexual relationship... but no commitment. I do it because I love him so much and Im hopeing he will feel the same. I tell myself he is just scared of commitment and will eventually "grow up". When he leaves after his two days off, I feel so empty and depressed. I miss him so much and it hurts. I keep waiting, hopeing, and praying. I want to be a family. I think of him night and day. This is so hard. Please give me your thoughts.

[yes]

Holy, that's gotta be tough!

 

I haven't nearly enough experience to advise you but you know the expression "why buy the cow if the milk is free?"?

 

good luck!

-yes

[ArdeaCandidissima]

First, my sympathies. You have really suffered, and you do deserve to be happy, with loved ones who treat you right.

 

What are the chances that Carlos will be the man you need and deserve any time soon? Realistically, you can predict the future just by assuming it will continue to resemble the past. So Carlos will continue to be unreliable, uncaring, self-centered, oh, and also attractive and lovable while still deliberately or carelessly hurting you again and again.

 

Yes, he's young - but there are plenty of guys his age and even much younger who behave better than this. If you want to wait 5-10 years, he may mature. Paradoxically, his best chance for maturing and becoming the man he should be is if you put your foot down and tell him your relationship is over - unless and until he starts supporting his daughter, keeping his pants zipped, courting you and being trustworthy. Six months of best behavior and I might consider letting him kiss me again. NO MORE SEX without commitment - otherwise you may very well end up with ANOTHER one of Carlos' offspring to support.

 

Don't look at his words or at his liquid, longing glances. Just look at his actions. Earplugs might help.

 

Good luck!

[HokeyReligions]

Pathetically, I went ahead and slept with him, just to be close to him like that again. I love him so much. So ever since then, we are back in a sexual relationship... but no commitment. I do it because I love him so much and Im hopeing he will feel the same. I tell myself he is just scared of commitment and will eventually "grow up". When he leaves after his two days off, I feel so empty and depressed. I miss him so much and it hurts. I keep waiting, hopeing, and praying. I want to be a family. I think of him night and day. This is so hard. Please give me your thoughts.

 

 

You are making your own choices here. If you don’t like the choices you make – then quit making them. If you can’t quit then accept the consequences.

 

You can’t change him, or make him mature and you know that. He has been upfront with you about not wanting a commitment. Do you want to spend your life waiting and hoping? That’s your decision. Sounds like Carlos has it made; free sex and no commitments, and a baby to play with sometimes.

 

If you want to be a family then, tell Carlos that is what you want. If he says no, then dump him and find someone who does want to be a family. If he says ‘yes some day’ then set a time limit. You say you are “hoping” and “praying” and you “tell yourself he will grow up”. You sound like a hormonal teenager. Stop being a wimp and face reality. Communicate with Carlos and accept it when he tells you he does not want a commitment.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you had some idealistic image of the perfect man for you in your mind when you met Carlos, and you have tried to make him fit the mold and live in your safe fantasy world. Now that the fantasy is shattering you don’t know the different between true love and co-dependence and are living in denial.

 

Sorry if I sound rough, and I may be totally wrong – but you asked for our thoughts.

[Polarisgrl30]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

 

(You say you are “hoping” and “praying” and you “tell yourself he will grow up”. You sound like a hormonal teenager. Stop being a wimp and face reality. Communicate with Carlos and accept it when he tells you he does not want a commitment.Honestly, it sounds like you had some idealistic image of the perfect man for you in your mind when you met Carlos, and you have tried to make him fit the mold and live in your safe fantasy world. Now that the fantasy is shattering you don’t know the different between true love and co-dependence and are living in denial.)

 

 

First of all, there is nothing wrong with me "hoping and praying" nor is it unusual considering the fact that I had "our baby" five months ago. It is a very hard situation and one you wouldn't understand obviously. I wrote on this board for advice,for help, not to be accused of acting like a hormonal teenager and to be called names such as wimp. Also I was not impressed with your physcoanalysis of me being codependant. That is the last thing I am. I happen to have just fell in love and got hurt. And as far as me having some "idealistic image" of the perfect man for me and trying to make Carlos "fit the mold"... I wasn't even looking for anyone when I met him! And the last thing I was living in was a fantasy world! Far from it lady. And as far as living in denial... denial of what??? It is VERY real to me that he cannot make a commitment to me right now, maybe never. I wake up every day knowing this. There is no denial. You are wrong in assuming these things. But if it made you feel better about yourself saying these things to me, then at least some good came of it. There was another post you replied to also. You posted quotes to this other girl and used the same attitude you did with me. She was also distraught and writing for advice. If someone is troubled or hurting so much over a situation that they write it on a post looking for help, the last thing they want is to be called names or a physcoanalysis. They are looking for help or advice. Yes I asked for opinions, but not to be outright insulted. I did nothing to you. Take for instance the lady who replied to me before you... she gave her advice to me, even though it wasn't optomistic, she told it like it was and did it tactfully and with a heart. That is a good example for you to follow. Now... how's that for a WIMP!!! Have a nice day. :-)