soheartbroken Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Most of our hearts still hold on to what was...it's an awful feeling.
LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Ar Broken I don't know what to say. I feel so much pain for you, makes my backslide feel shameful. I think of you often, my uni friends know of your situation as does my professor who overheard me talking about you on Monday, want to know what they all said? NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED HOW HE HAS TREATED HER, NO ONE. Little comfort right now I know. Thinking of you...
tojaz Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 In some disgusting way, I do still want my husband back though...I still want the fairytale love that we used to have, I still want the family back that we used to have. At this point, my head knows none of this is possible bc that husband of mine no longer exists but my heart still holds onto what was and the thread of hope that what was can still become what is and what will be. I feel like such a naive little girl bc I'm just now realizing I never knew how much love hurt, how much a broken heart takes to mend... You've got it Broken, we all would like to have our Husbands or Wives back! Thats why we married them , loved them, had kids etc. in the first place. Just like you said though, those people don't exist. the last time i saw my ex, I could not recognize her. Her eyes were dead, the love was gone. She was no longer beautiful to me, I no longer desired her. To be honest tshe scared the hell out of me, my wife is dead and i do not want what has taken her place. That was the point where i got stronger, realized what I needed to do, when i realized that even if the body returned, my wife was gone. You are not naive, love hurts us all! TOJAZ
ryepatch Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 how are you doing, BH? how's the baby's health? are you breastfeeding?
Author broken hearted Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I am nursing...I wouldn't have it any other way! I'm doing alright, I am very lonely...much more so now with our new baby than I was with just our son! I had adjusted to my new life with just my son and no husband but now everything has been set back to square one..emotions run very high for me right now! I am trying to do the best I can but I feel so alone without my husband! I have lots of supportive friends and family but it doesn't compare to the support and love my husband once gave me unconditionally! I know this is something I need to get over and accept but I feel like I am almost at acceptance when I get a reality check and head crashing back to the darkest hole I've ever seen! Haha, thanks for asking how I was...not so good I guess
Auroracoladybug Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I am sure that the hormones are not helping. I am glad to hear that the nursing is going well...I had a heck of a time with my son...You know you are not alone in any way...I know that things are not how you would have imagined or wanted but you are making in thru...that pit may be dark but there are many different layers of darkness...each time you get into the light make sure and kick some dirt in that hole ...you are an inspiration to me and many others and I know that you will have everything you need in life just with those beautiful babies...I don't know how your H is dealing with this but If he cares anything for those kids he should feel like scum...I think from your earlier posts he has continued to be a good father (me not so lucky) and if nothing else I hope he does that for both of your children...Our hearts may be broken but the pieces are all there (just how they fit together will never be the same after being broken):love: kisses for all three of you that matter Ha!
Author broken hearted Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 How has everyone gotten to the point where they accepted their life and their future is now different?? I still can't picture my life and my future any other way but with my husband and as a family....what the hell...how can I still envision that? I can't see any other picture...I guess maybe bc I haven't allowed myself to want any other picture or any other outcome!
tinke Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Time will certainly ease the pain. Hard to believe now, but with time, we seem to heal and forge ahead. Trust in this, or we would all be single and depressed for an eternity with our guts in a knot, no sleep, poor appetite, etc. But look around, people are moving on and living after broken relationships/losses. No doubt, it is a very difficult time now, but it will ease and eventually flow to some normalcy. You will become whole again! I just don't know of any easy way to get there, other than time taking its course. It's surely normal to feel what you had described, but, your feelings may change and surprise you after some time has passed. Heck, you may even pity the guy for his loss. Just remember, you did not leave, you were the one left. At times knowing things are not in your control may alleviate the calculations, the analysis.
MrMayI Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 How has everyone gotten to the point where they accepted their life and their future is now different?? I still can't picture my life and my future any other way but with my husband and as a family....what the hell...how can I still envision that? I can't see any other picture...I guess maybe bc I haven't allowed myself to want any other picture or any other outcome! as sad as i feel for saying it BH, i go back and forth with this. while the sadness dissipates with each passing backslide, the longing for what we had is still there. i can see myself without her now, and that certainly helps, but i also still can see a future with her, even with having divorced. even with the **** she put us through. mainly because i want my DD to have a sense of normalcy. to not go back and forth between parents. it's rough. we're living though, so we absolutely have to make the best of it.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 It goes along with the saying from the serenity prayer... God help me to accept the things that I can not change...my H decided that this was better for him why in hell I don't know but I have to be there for my son and take care of me...I don't envision my future yet I am working on what currently is and dealing with that...I promise to myself to find happiness in the little things like my son's smile and giggles...stand up sweetheart you can and I know it...The picture will be what you make it and you can still want that outcome without making yourself miserable waiting for it. Loves and Hugs
Logik Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Hey bh. You story is heart breaking, I really empathise. The only bit of advice I can give you is to look at what you've been doing since you've been alone. Have you survived? Have you provided for your children? Are you nurturing to them? Yes? Then I think you're doing pretty darn fine by yourself. I see it's been since 31 Jan. That's a long time. And you've done it on your own. Look back at this and take heart at the fact that you did it with a terrible burden and conflict going on in your head. Now think to yourself, did you have to have those feelings? You would've still been here had you not had them. Actually, had you not had those feelings, the ride would've been a whole lot smoother. Now I'm not telling you that those feeling are wrong, I just saying, did you need them to successfully live alone for 8-odd months? No. The best piece of advice I can give you is to just let go. Concentrate on the children. They need you. They need a strong mother to be there for them and YOU ARE strong. No weak woman could raise a child for 8 months and be pregnant at the same time and have a baby, without her husband. You owe it to yourself and your children to let go. Don't think about the future of your relationship. I just feel that a man that walks away from a pregnant wife is not worthy of any redemption. I actually feel embarrassed just because of the fact that I'm a man and that a man could do this. Just focus on you and the kids. Be strong, be stronger, then be strongest.
Author broken hearted Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 For those of you who know my story, I just posted some pictures!
2.50 a gallon Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 BH I just looked at your new pix. I was right, you do look like my high school crush. You are gorgeous, what a smile, and you are about to become available. She is a cutey, just like her mom. What I would have given to have a woman present me with a child as cute as her. It would have been "She's got your eyes, she's got your nose" And be able to watch a miniture of my beloved grow up into a woman. Hang in there, I know it is a tough ride. With that face and that smile, it won't belong and you could have another at your side. I don't know why, but I feel it is meant to be.
Author broken hearted Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Guys, I really can't do this anymore!! I've never felt this much pain in my life...it's unbearable! I have been going through this since the end of January and the pain has not eased up in the slightest! I just don't want to feel this pain anymore! I swear I'm very close to having to be admitted to the hospital for SEVERE depression! I don't think I can handle this anymore...I want my life back!
MrMayI Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 stay in the fight, BH. my opinion, but you really should talk to a doctor about anti-depressants, anxiety meds, something to help. i know having a newborn can't be helping in the "getting over" department. i'm sure you're losing even more sleep now. i think of you often. you have the toughest predicament right now. hang in.
Author broken hearted Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 No, I really don't think I can do this...the pain is too much! I just want it all to go away, to escape from everything!
MrMayI Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 No, I really don't think I can do this...the pain is too much! I just want it all to go away, to escape from everything! you can do this. you MUST! there are children's lives involved, and you will be the face of stability for them from here on in. i know it's tough. i know it's not even remotely close to how you pictured it, or even what you want, but it can and will get better. no magic words or books or anything are going to change it. it's up to you. please be strong.
Author broken hearted Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 I'm trying to be strong but I really think I'm reaching my breaking point. I sound so weak and immature but I'm almost starting to believe that I cant live without my husband! I know everyone always does but I;m really starting to believe I can't! It's just all too much!!
MrMayI Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 you've lived without him throughout an entire pregnancy. you believe you can't live without him. what he was. i'm sorry BH, but that guy is gone. i pray he'll come back someday, for you and your kids, but for now, you have to go forward without him, or the idea of him in your life the way you want him. i've seen you strong, and i've seen you falter on here, just like the rest of us. it WILL get better.
Logik Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You've just had a baby. Your body is trying to recover from the pregnancy and your mind is trying to recover from your situation. Don't beat yourself up about it. You're going through a physical healing and mental healing at the same time. You need to realise that any other person on this planet would have the thoughts as you if they were in your shoes. Live each minute at a time. Then each hour. Then each day. You can do it if you break things up into small pieces and tackle each small piece at a time. Don't look at the whole picture. That'll drive you crazy. If you had to tidy up a really messy room, how would you do it? Look at the disaster and worry about how long it'll take? No. Better to start at the things around your feet and clear a space. Then move to the next thing. Keep picking up things right in front of you. Eventually, you'll turn around and the room's clean. That's how you have to do it. Small bits. It'll be easier to digest.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Broken Hearted Have you told your supporting friends and family how deeply you are hurting? Do something, do anything, to keep you busy and away from the slimball, do something with your son, play with him, do jig saw puzzles with the him, began decorating for Halloween, get a gold fish bowl for the boy, just keep busy That beautiful baby girl and your son need you, you that as your rock Gallon
hopesndreams Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You have such a beautiful baby girl. You named her Julia right? How much did she weigh at birth? What have the arrangements been for H to be with the kids? Are there planned, set times? What happens when you see him? Do you both still communicate about stuff other than the children? Do you still feel he will come back to you? Has he given you hope that it might happen? Do you get much chance to go out on your own? You have so much to deal with, be sure to find some way to get quiet time for just you, even if it's just for a 1/2 hour. I'm worried about you.
Author broken hearted Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 I'll be honest with you hopesndeams...I'm worried about me too!! Not sure I will get through this...this pain is unbearable!
hopesndreams Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 What's going on BH? Are you able to answer my questions?
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