Author broken hearted Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 No, there's no chance of him coming back! I would give anything for him to wake up and come back but he isn't... We don't talk about anything other than the kids. He comes on T, Th evenings and has our son over night on Sat nights. When he comes here on T, and Th, he doesn't even stay here at all to see our daughter (she's nursing and can't leave bc she can't have a bottle yet) and takes our son up to his parent's house until it's time for bed. My poor daughter has no idea who her father is bc he has spent almost no time with her. I did allow him in the delivery room hoping and praying that would form a bond between him and her and also praying it may wake him up and we could get through this and be a family...he's still only thinking about himself. He was at the hospital from sun up until sundown the 3 days I was there but left to sleep and then when we came home, he disappeared again. I guess it was another little show of the supportive loving husband/father for all the visitors who came to see me to see. I have been alone day and night with our 2 children since they were born (my mother stayed here for a couple nights to help but had to go back to work). I'm very stressed and depressed and would still give anything to work through this bc I truly believe that marriages can be saved and be better off after they hit rock bottom if the two people would just give it a chance to get better and ironed out.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 brokenhearted, your words describe perfectly how I am feeling too. I know you want to give in to this incredible depression because carrying on seems virtually impossible. I am only living each hour for my daughter. I live in the hope that it will not always be like this. I also feel that I cannot live without my husband. Apparently he is able to live without me and that hurts so much. But we cant let them push us right over the edge as our children need at least one parent who puts them first. One unselfish parent.
tojaz Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Guys, I really can't do this anymore!! I've never felt this much pain in my life...it's unbearable! I have been going through this since the end of January and the pain has not eased up in the slightest! I just don't want to feel this pain anymore! I swear I'm very close to having to be admitted to the hospital for SEVERE depression! I don't think I can handle this anymore...I want my life back! No, I really don't think I can do this...the pain is too much! I just want it all to go away, to escape from everything! I'm trying to be strong but I really think I'm reaching my breaking point. I sound so weak and immature but I'm almost starting to believe that I cant live without my husband! I know everyone always does but I;m really starting to believe I can't! It's just all too much!! Just when I think I'm out,......they pull me back in! This is the second thread I've recieved an anonymous text to come check in on, like some sort of Tojaz Bat signal LOL so whoever it is, ThankYou!! Broken, you want your life back, TAKE IT BACK!!! Why let someone who has treated you so horrible have so much control over your life? Why let him hurt you? Accepting what has happened starts with rebuilding your life around you and your kids, not leaving a space for him if he wants it, that void equals a constant reminder. The best way to heal is to make yourself thrive without him, not just survive, but thrive! Remember what he did! Remember what he gave up and is missing out on. A beautiful and devoted wife, an adorable son and a gorgeous new babygirl. He abandoned his family during your pregnancy, missed the birth of his own flesh and blood. A moment that only happens once! Something you can never get back and he gave that up because of what? We all know what! Selfishness, uncaring, and thinking with his crotch!!! Is that what you want as part of your family, is that who you pictured sitting across the table or playing with your kids? Sadly Broken, thats who he has become. Broken, the posts I quoted scare me to no end! You are strong enough to survive this. You have already overcome so much, more then anyone should ever have to. We all reach a point where we think that is it, that we can endure no more. Fact of the matter is you never know how strong you are until you are pushed to the edge, and once you've been there everything pales in comparison. Your on the edge, but the choice is yours, you can fall or you can move forward one step at a time and with a lot of help. The first step is realizing that you can be a happy family and survive without him! I know you can and I hope you do to. In the meantime, I PM'd you my contact info since I'm not going to be on LS as much as I usually am. Feel free to write if you want me to check in. My Cell# is there too, if you need to talk to someone or text, whatever, please don't be shy. This is a very difficult situation and you need all the friends you can get. TOJAZ
2.50 a gallon Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 BH You haven't said, but I suspect that MIL has yet to hold this child. There is something toxic there, a grandmother, not encourgaging her son to nurture his baby girl, her next generation! One of the first lessons I learned as a child was "Do Not Eat the Yellow Snow" Maybe that is her problem, she was never taught that diti. That might explain things. I know it is easier for us who are not in your situation, to keep urging you to fight harder. We are your friends. We want the best for you and your little ones. We do feel some of you pain, we are broke hearted too. Keep posting here, If nothing else, try to concentrate on the future of your son and baby girl, fight for them, do not let them fall into the hands of this toxic family of yellow snow eaters Another thought, have one of your friends pick you up a good joke book, anything for a laugh to make you feel better, even if it just for a minute or two.
Auroracoladybug Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I highly recommend the Milk Memos for a book...I suffered from post partum and the books were my escapes... BH just let us know what you need...if any of us were close enough we would group hug you...
Gunny376 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 BH, slow down, settle down, calm down, chill out, and most off breath! Take a breath of air! Breath dammit! You've got the wind knocked out of you. Breath! You've just been pyschogicaly, mentally, emotionally, hormonally hit by a 250 pound Alabama linebacker! Your crawling out from under the bus~ the train wreck you're going through. Your going through a transition. A phase in life. Know this! This to will pass! Some of God's greatest blessing? Are unanswered prayers! Someone in Alabama? Cares and gives a damn about you!
Author broken hearted Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Why doesn't the man who has loved and cherished me for 11 years care about me anymore? That's the biggest thing I don't understand...how do you just stop loving someone overnight? Went out for a drink last night with some friends...one is a good guy friend and I know it will get back to my husband that I was out with him bc it was like a friggin high school reunion when I walked into the bar. This guy is one of my good friends from college and my husband used to be really good friends with him too...until the friend lost all respect for my husband after he did this to me. I had fun out last night but hit ground zero again when I came home. I just wanted to come home, crawl in bed with my husband and forget about everything else...what the hell is wrong with me...IT'S REALITY GIRL, ACCEPT IT!
tojaz Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) "The Art Of Marriage" by Wilferd A. Peterson Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things... It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted;the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.[/sIZE][/FONT] It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner. It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best. Broken, these words hung in my (formerly our) bedroom throughout my marriage and for awhile after, until I couldn't bear to walk past it anymore. I've always held these words as the guideline for what i wanted my relationship to be. The Irony is, that the framed copy that i have was a wedding gift from her parents, the same people who covered for her infidelity.:mad: The words are still just as valid. Broken, if you want to accept this, then here is what to accept, while he married the right partner, he was not capable of being the right partner! The last four lines are the absolute key to marriage for me, anyone who is not capable of giving that is not worth your time. Grieve for him, miss him, but accept what he is and that he is not good for you any more. TOJAZ Edited October 3, 2009 by tojaz
FallForward Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) Hi BH, I have to admit that I sat here feeling sorry for myself as well until I read through your posts. I kept trying to find answers as to why my husband would abandon me and my kids(and the dog) as well. To make a long story short, I too have been married for 5 years to who I thought was the most perfect man in the world. There was nothing I could have asked more for in him. I too am a successful young woman like yourself with two children and he is in the military. We moved to Japan 2 yrs ago and that's when life literally flipped upside down. Right before we got here he almost died of MRSA and fell in love with me all over again for staying by his side.....I thought. He completely changed thereafter, and as much as I fought for our marriage, it got worse. He came home from deployment 2 mos ago and stayed home one day. He left saying he needed to find himself and he wasn't sure what he wanted with his life. Of course my story goes much deeper than this but It would probably take up the whole page. Now I am stuck here in a foreign country with my 2 kids and my husband living the single life 10 min away. Words cannot express to you how I feel your pain. Like you, I too have to put the pieces of my life back together while wondering how could someone change like that. It is hard especially being on a small base and watching all the other families together while mine is broken. I don't even know where to move back to the states to. Sometimes you are standing because you don't have a choice. Some days are an absolute blur...I don't know if I am even fully conscience sometimes, but at the end of the day I thank God that I'm still standing. Most of the time I can't wait to hurry and get the kids settled so I can go in my room and cry. Here is how I have made it through so far....I keep in CLOSE contact with God. I have a little prayer book called "A Book of Prayers" by Stormie Omartian and there is something there for everything. It really doesn't matter how you pray, but nevertheless it has helped me. I pray for his healing everyday as well as mine. I ask God to give me peace, strength, and patience so his will may be done. I do pray for restoration in our marriage and family, but I ask that if its not in his will, give me the strength to endure whatever his will may be. I can't lie and tell you that I am not on you tube watching various sermons from TD Jakes, Joel Osteen, Jamal Bryant, etc., sometimes its playing as I fall asleep. Another thing I do is write in my journal everynight so that I never forget how far I have come. Also, I have a little book that I keep with me full of inspirational phrases that I hear and write down. When I get down, I open it and start reading. These are just some of the things I have done. One thing that I am working on is accepting that I am where I am supposed to be at this moment, but its not where I am supposed to stay. Anyway, HB just know that you are in my prayers as well and I am here if you need to vent, because I am dealing with the same thing right now. I have tons of stuff I could share with you that may help you deal as it has helped me. Just let me know. I don't have a new baby but let me tell you, that alone is your victory because I don't think many could have handled all this as well as you have. Take heart and know that you are not alone....and you know how I know you are getting through this....YOU ARE STILL STANDING!!! Edited October 3, 2009 by FallForward revise
LisaUk Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hi Broken Julia is beautiful! Takes after her mom. Just goes to show how strong you are that you could bring such a perfect little girl into the world despite all the stress your H put her under. You should be really proud of yourself. Just caught up on your thread, I know you are finding it hard, that's to be expected though, to go what you are going through is unimaginable to most of us here. You will get through this Broken, I know you don't want to, you want your life back, but you will get through it and your children will always love you and thank you for providing them with such a strong mom. Your H is not the man you married anymore and I understand that you desberately want him to be, but he isn't, he's a ghost, think of it like that if it helps, you can't commuinicate with a ghost. His body is present but his soul is not. Trust me when I say that one day you will see him for what he really is, what he has become and you will thank your lucky stars that you have better. I know you can't see that right now and you will always feel hurt for how he treated you (and rightly so), but when you get through to the other side of this, your life will be better off without him in it. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.50 a gallon Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Broken hearted It gladdens my heart to read that you got out of the house and had a little fun. A friend of your husband who has lost all respect for your husband for the way he is treating you. That says it all. Some day a real man will come calling
Gunny376 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 So let me guess? Camp Shield's ~Okinawa? The "Crows Nest" club?
Author broken hearted Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 What the hell is wrong with this world? When will this nightmare finally end?!?!? My husband's uncle, who I have been very close with since I was about 10 (his daughter is one of my best friends) passed away this morning...had a heart attack! I honestly don't know how much more I can emotionally, physically, and mentally take! Something's gotta give...
Auroracoladybug Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Okay, Here is my advice...something has gotta give and it has to be you...you have to let your husband make his own mistakes and choices...respect that it was your husband's uncles time and that though he may not be here any longer it was better to have known him than not...hug your babies, get a vacation with them (yes with the little ones) see if a friend out of town (even if it is a couple of cities away)would mind you "vacationing" with them...I don't know where you live but have a fire in the fireplace and make smores BH...what do you like to do with your kids? even with little Julia in a sling I am sure you are active with that little boy...halloween stuff is going on at the farms and markets all over...make some fun time just to get a break from that heartache... you ever come to Colorado you can call me I'll give you my number and make sure to take you and the kids out for some fun! KISSES AND HUGS
tojaz Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Broken, ladybug gives good advice. You have been dealt an awful hand in life right now, but we all have challenges we must face. While life seems like nothing but pain find enough strength to give yourself a break. Free your mind and your heart to have a little happiness in your life, even if you have to force it. Hang with a friend, play some music, play with the kids, or just do something flat out silly. Just remember that while you are going through hell right now, you have a lot of living to do and it's not going to be bad forever. You have a lot of joy coming you and your kids ways, you just have to get over the mountain. If your hurting call a friend and dump it on them and make some room for the good. No one to call? You have my # TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Broken, life deals really s*****y hands and it all comes at once it seems. Ladybug is right, as hard as this is and you really are getting the s****y end of the stick right now, you HAVE TO let it all go. You'll go mad otherwise. This is no where in the same league as what is happening to you in your life, but for me, losing my ex, my house, my way of life, my income, moving back in with an abusive mother, and now starting THE most demanding postgrad degree ever, soemtimes I feel like I am going to crumble. What gets me through? LS, my friends and the new friends I have made on the course. What advice do they all give? "breath and reboot" that is, let it go, let it wash over you and make time for something you enjoy, focus on you. Fighting it will achieve nothing positive, it will just create more pain and stress on top of the exisiting pain and stress, so why fight? You can't control it, so find a way of letting it wash over you, do whatever it takes, but try and let it go.
Author broken hearted Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) I think I'm finally coming to the realization that my husband is simply just a beautiful stranger...beautiful bc of all the memories we've shared yet a complete stranger from the person I once made them with! I love his memory, I hate his current being! Edited October 10, 2009 by broken hearted
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Thats an important realization Broken. I know it hurts a lot, but it also helps to be able to seperate the two. Feelings are so mixed up between what is and what was, and creats that feeling of limbo we all talk about. If you can seperate your feelings like that, you can find some direction and put your feelings into perspective. I know this is a difficult time for you with all that has happened in your life, keep posting, we are here for you. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I think I'm finally coming to the realization that my husband is simply just a beautiful stranger...beautiful bc of all the memories we've shared yet a complete stranger from the person I once made them with! I love his memory, I hate his current being! Hi Broken, I know exactly how you feel...I've read some of your story and can relate to much of it. My H and I have been split for almost 6 weeks now and he's not even someone I know anymore. It's actually making it easier on me because I can lock away the memory of the person he used to be, the one that I thought I loved. It's hard to do that sometimes.....but eventually you will wonder just what you ever saw in them in the first place.
Author broken hearted Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I miss you By: Broken Hearted Like a cold and rainy day My heart feels so blue Hurting and Praying Somehow this isn't true I miss the way you kissed me Your love which once was true I miss every memory And our love which grew and grew I miss everything about you Too many things to list You are the love of my life Another does not exist I pushed and pushed and pushed you away Taking your love and hurting you heart Forever I will pay for this As now forever we're apart Don't know where to go from here I love you more than life itself Never thought the day would come You'd move on by yourself Our memories, our loving moments Floating round and round my head Pain is just too much at times Sometimes I'd rather be dead I would give anything To turn back time Back to the days When I could call you mine My heart wants to work this out Regain love and rebuild trust Lets get back to where we were Cause being with you is an absolute must
Author broken hearted Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 So...my husband and I go to court tomorrow! I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be a really rough day for me! Somedays I'm really not sure I am going to get through this and still other days, I know how much happier someone else can make me! Tomorrow is a status conference I think and a preliminary order will be put into place. Can anyone tell me just what to expect at this hearing??
Auroracoladybug Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 At my status conference all the judge did was check to make sure the paperwork was in order because J doesn't have an attorney...unfortunately the Judge did not budge on a preliminary order...I have to wait till December 14th
MrMayI Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 So...my husband and I go to court tomorrow! I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be a really rough day for me! Somedays I'm really not sure I am going to get through this and still other days, I know how much happier someone else can make me! Tomorrow is a status conference I think and a preliminary order will be put into place. Can anyone tell me just what to expect at this hearing?? you can probably expect some sort of temporary visitation and support. then, i imagine your attorneys will get together and hash out the final order. good luck.
Author broken hearted Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 So, my husband and i were supposed to go to court tomorrow for our status conference. I got a letter in the mail today saying it has been cancelled and will be rescheduled for a later date bc of a family medical procedure on my attorney's part. This is the second time it's been rescheduled...the first time it was rescheduled was when I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter. Ugh...
MrMayI Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 i think attorneys thrive on that sort of thing. makes it seem like they did more work than they actually did, lol. i go to pick up my sealed copy of the divorce decree from my attorney today.
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