Author broken hearted Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 I just can't seem to get the thought out of my head that there is no need for my marriage to be where it is! There is no need for us to be getting a divorce, there is no need for him to have walked out, there is no need for my son to be away from me right now and sleeping at my in-laws, there is no need for me to be giving birth anyday to a baby whose father has put it through hell it's whole pregnancy! THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY OF THIS, WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE! When my husband came to pick up our son yesterday, I told him that there was no need for us to be where we are (probably shouldn't have but I did)! He just keeps saying, you will never forgive me for what I've done now so there's no other choice. He still shifts the blame on me and makes it all about him! We are getting a divorce bc I won't forgive him...he hasn't even asked for forgiveness or shown remorse, how could I forgive without any of that? He also keeps saying that I wouldn't listen to him when he told me he was unhappy but that he did try and talking to me...this is crap! I'm sorry but I would have never let our marriage slip away if I knew he was unhappy in anyway...NEVER! This just shows to prove that he did not do a very good job of making me aware of this! I can't get away from this anger! How do I do it? I want to let it go but I don't know how! I don't want to hate the father of my children, we have to have a relationship for our children! I want to be able to be friendly with him and show our children a healthy friendship and relationship despite everything that's happened. I just can't get over the agonizing pain and torture he has put myself and our children through since January!
tojaz Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Broken Just accept that it is out of your control. Your right, it dosen't need to be this way, but this is what he has become. You and your kids are better off without that unhealthy influence around. Angry? don't be angry, feel sorry for him. He's giving up his family, a beautiful and supportive, loving wife, and for what? to live with his parents? to cheat with some floozy? There will be a day when he looks back and realizes how good he had it, and how bad he messed it up. His life isn't going to become what he thinks it is and thats going to be hard to cope with. You don't need to be angry or to punish him, hes going to do plenty of that all by himself. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Accept these words of truth from my lips! What was ~ was! What is ~ IS! What will be? Will be! Get busy living! Or get busy dying! Just that plain! Just that simple!
2.50 a gallon Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 broken hearted Be positive, concentrate on the better days ahead, there is somebody far better in your future. A real man, not a mommy's boy. A man other men will respect. For now he can't be with you physically to help you through these tough times, but if you let him, he can support you emotionally. Next time there is a nice sunset, take your rum and coke outside and enjoy it, with the knowledge that the man you are looking for, will also be watching that same sunset. It worked for me. She was
stillafool Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I just can't seem to get the thought out of my head that there is no need for my marriage to be where it is! There is no need for us to be getting a divorce, there is no need for him to have walked out, there is no need for my son to be away from me right now and sleeping at my in-laws, there is no need for me to be giving birth anyday to a baby whose father has put it through hell it's whole pregnancy! THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY OF THIS, WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE! When my husband came to pick up our son yesterday, I told him that there was no need for us to be where we are (probably shouldn't have but I did)! He just keeps saying, you will never forgive me for what I've done now so there's no other choice. He still shifts the blame on me and makes it all about him! We are getting a divorce bc I won't forgive him...he hasn't even asked for forgiveness or shown remorse, how could I forgive without any of that? He also keeps saying that I wouldn't listen to him when he told me he was unhappy but that he did try and talking to me...this is crap! I'm sorry but I would have never let our marriage slip away if I knew he was unhappy in anyway...NEVER! This just shows to prove that he did not do a very good job of making me aware of this! I can't get away from this anger! How do I do it? I want to let it go but I don't know how! I don't want to hate the father of my children, we have to have a relationship for our children! I want to be able to be friendly with him and show our children a healthy friendship and relationship despite everything that's happened. I just can't get over the agonizing pain and torture he has put myself and our children through since January! I know. You have to calm yourself down. Not just for you but for the baby as the stress isn't good. I can only imagine how you must feel. I wish I had some words that would help.
Author broken hearted Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Why are the mornings so darn hard? For the last couple of weeks, I truly have begun accepting what has become of my life and my marriage but the mornings are filled with depression. I have heard this is normal, but why is it that I wake up lower than low and being able to do nothing but think about my husband, my marriage, and the devastation the whole thing has caused me? This most always fades away very quickly as the day starts and I see my son's beautiful face smiling at me! I also can't seem to shake how ridiculously immature my husbands reasons and explanations are for being "unhappy". His whole reasons for being unhappy are basically bc I asked him to cut back on some extra activities that he always did once we had our son (playing hockey, coaching hockey, hunting, working extra, etc.). I felt as though I was always home alone taking care of our son while my husband was never home! THIS IS NORMAL TO ASK OF YOUR HUSBAND ONCE YOU HAVE CHILDREN....LIFE DOES CHANGE A LITTLE BIT AND YOUR PRIORITIES MUST CHANGE AS WELL!!!! Why is it so easy for some people to grow up and adjust to new responsibilities and life changes than others?
2.50 a gallon Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 BH You've answered your own question. Hockey comes before spending time with a beautiful wife, so he has to run home to mommy? You already have a 2 year old, which sounds to be the apple of your eye, and a second one in the oven. Why do you need a 20 something for a third one. You didn't have the time to be his mommy, so he went back to his first one mommy. Many other women are in your same shoes. Their men just don't get it that kids come first. My GF has a granddaughter, we love each other very much, but I knew from day one, that the granddaughter was her number one priority. That is just the way it is. That does not mean that she loves me any less, or that she loves the granddaughter any more than me. In fact she probably loves me all the more because I too shared the idea that the granddaughter came first.
hopesndreams Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 My H was such a needy man, loved him to bits, and I would do and say anything and everything to put his happiness before my own. Just as you with your H. Did he reciprocate? Mine didn't and yours hasn't either. But, that was fine with me, it really was, because I wasn't the needy one that wanted constant attention. When my teenage daughter had a baby, my focus turned to them. Any grandma would do the same. H became jealous and unhappy because of it. Instead of sharing in the joy and the tough work, he focused only on himself. His wants and needs were no longer being met by me in the same way he was used to. If he could have waited, could have helped, could have put others needs before his own, we would still be a happy family. He couldn't wait though and got his needs met elsewhere. A man I had been married to and trusted for 10 years abandoned me in my time of need, hooked up with a MOW who has a 4 year old son and left to go live the rest of his life with her. It shattered my world but I have been slowly picking up the pieces and you are too, without even realizing it. One day you will look back on this and say a prayer of thanks that the man you loved so much and would do anything for, did leave. Why? Because he did not reciprocate. He was a needy selfish so and so and you are better off without him. That's what I have been learning living these last 6 months of pure h*ll. You are still young and have a good heart. He was not deserving of you. One day, he will see that maybe and if not, don't care about it, he is now just the dad to your kids and you should concentrate on detaching yourself from him, freeing up your mind by kicking him out of it, he's not paying rent to be up there so boot him out.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Hey broken I think if we compared lists of why H says he had to leave they would be darn near identical...I would love to have a coffee date with you just to compare LOL...that could get us thru the morning blues...I think that the mornings are the hardest for me because I have spent the night alone again (my son now thinks my bed is our bed...but hey he is my little man LOL) and I have all of the dreams/nightmares and quiet time to think and no distractions. Plus the mornings and evenings were the times that we spent "family" time...we usually ate dinner together and got up nearly the same time (usually me waking him up because he could sleep thru any alarm and just keep hitting snooze)...yep mornings suck but my nights without my son...blessing and a curse, I get the bed to myself but I miss my "family" more...I need this divorce to get final I guess to finally set all the things in place...
tojaz Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Why are the mornings so darn hard? For the last couple of weeks, I truly have begun accepting what has become of my life and my marriage but the mornings are filled with depression. I have heard this is normal, but why is it that I wake up lower than low and being able to do nothing but think about my husband, my marriage, and the devastation the whole thing has caused me? This most always fades away very quickly as the day starts and I see my son's beautiful face smiling at me! I also can't seem to shake how ridiculously immature my husbands reasons and explanations are for being "unhappy". His whole reasons for being unhappy are basically bc I asked him to cut back on some extra activities that he always did once we had our son (playing hockey, coaching hockey, hunting, working extra, etc.). I felt as though I was always home alone taking care of our son while my husband was never home! THIS IS NORMAL TO ASK OF YOUR HUSBAND ONCE YOU HAVE CHILDREN....LIFE DOES CHANGE A LITTLE BIT AND YOUR PRIORITIES MUST CHANGE AS WELL!!!! Why is it so easy for some people to grow up and adjust to new responsibilities and life changes than others? The mornings are going to be hard for a long time. I still have morning where I wake up holding a pillow and really thought it was her for a second. Kills me, but those moments become fewer and further between as time goes on. I think the mornings are hard, because of the routine. Sleeping together (no I mean really sleeping ) is a very intimate thing that becomes a big part of your life when you think about it. Which side do you face, where does his arm go, all these things become burned in. 6 months later i still rarely venture to her side of the bed! I think the best advice i got was to change the bedroom anyway you can. New sheets, paint the walls, rearrange. Don't leave it your marital bedroom, make it YOURS!! it helps. As for his excuses...I've said it probably a dozen times on your thread,........SELFISH!! He dosen't want the responsibility of a family, or obligations, he wants, to use my wifes words, "a life with out rules" or the best one, "it's too much for me to have to care about you" It took a lot of convincing, but I don't need someone like that in my life, and neither do you. TOJAZ
TrustInYourself Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Why are the mornings so darn hard? For the last couple of weeks, I truly have begun accepting what has become of my life and my marriage but the mornings are filled with depression. I have heard this is normal, but why is it that I wake up lower than low and being able to do nothing but think about my husband, my marriage, and the devastation the whole thing has caused me? This most always fades away very quickly as the day starts and I see my son's beautiful face smiling at me! I also can't seem to shake how ridiculously immature my husbands reasons and explanations are for being "unhappy". His whole reasons for being unhappy are basically bc I asked him to cut back on some extra activities that he always did once we had our son (playing hockey, coaching hockey, hunting, working extra, etc.). I felt as though I was always home alone taking care of our son while my husband was never home! THIS IS NORMAL TO ASK OF YOUR HUSBAND ONCE YOU HAVE CHILDREN....LIFE DOES CHANGE A LITTLE BIT AND YOUR PRIORITIES MUST CHANGE AS WELL!!!! Why is it so easy for some people to grow up and adjust to new responsibilities and life changes than others? You want change, look inside. People change, because they want to. Not because their spouse suggested they "grow up". You have to adjust your reaction to those activities, because that is where you have the most power. Give him time and space and learn to deal with the absence and then you might actually see a change. And even if you don't get a change, marriage comes with acceptance and sacrifice. What did you get married for? You can not expect him to be perfect all the time.
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Not trying to make anyone mad? But its been my general experience in Life ~ and through the observation of other marriages? That once children ~ and grandchildren come along? The man is relegated to being nothing more than a steady paycheck, a meal ticket, fix-it man, handy-man, lawn keeper, and an early reitirement plan? In short? Hired help! Women and children benefit from marriage ~ not men.
tojaz Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Not trying to make anyone mad? But its been my general experience in Life ~ and through the observation of other marriages? That once children ~ and grandchildren come along? The man is relegated to being nothing more than a steady paycheck, a meal ticket, fix-it man, handy-man, lawn keeper, and an early reitirement plan? In short? Hired help! Women and children benefit from marriage ~ not men. I've seen this happen a lot. But family life, just like married life is whatever you make of it. If taking on the role you described is how the man thinks is best to contribute to the family, then that will be his fate. I think most good hearted women would not neglect their husband as such, but develop the teamwork to share all the responsibilites so every facet of the family recieves the love and support they need. No one is just a paycheck or just a house wife but part of something bigger. I read a lot of that in Brokens posts. men can and do benefit from marriage, I did, I liked being married. It all depends on how you measure benefit. TOJAZ
Author broken hearted Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 So, my husband has our son tonight and I can't seem to get out of the hole that I sink into everytime my son is away! The nights that my husband has our son are the worst for me! All I can do on these nights is sit and wish that it was all different! Wish that we were together as a family, making family memories! I didn't become a mother to only do it part time! I became a mother to be with my children each and every day and night! How is it legal for a person to decide to take part of that away from a mother! My husband's selfish actions and behaviors are what got us here, why does everyone else have to suffer!? It's just so friggin unfair! I miss my son so much...
hopesndreams Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Just part and parcel from those that abandon and bail out. You miss your little boy and it's all down to him why you have to. Be p*ssed off and that will help towards feeling indifferent towards him. Take the time out from caring for your young son, it's time for recovery, long overdue in fact, and get ready for the new baby on the way. Just make dang sure when the new baby comes, he will not take both of em over to his mummys whenever he feels like it. Or whatever he dictates to you when that will be. I really hope you have seen a lawyer to not just talk about the financial but the all important custody issues. I swear to you now, that one day, you will be glad the little mummys boy is out of your life, and you find yourself a real man.
Author broken hearted Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Oh, I set up a schedule for him to see our son, he is dictating NO MORE! The divorce has been filed and it's in the courts hands right now as far as custody will be concerned. My husband wants 50/50 but I am not willing to agree to that. What my husband is seeing my son right now is about 80/20 and that's exactly how I like it! He won't be seeing the new baby overnight for a while since I will be nursing... Just so damn angry at everything and the whole situation, I wish I could figure a way our of this anger towards him bc truly, I don't want to hate the father of my children...I wouldn't have my amazing and beautiful kids without him! No one else on this earth could have given me those same kids and those children are my most prized gift!
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Oh, I set up a schedule for him to see our son, he is dictating NO MORE! The divorce has been filed and it's in the courts hands right now as far as custody will be concerned. My husband wants 50/50 but I am not willing to agree to that. What my husband is seeing my son right now is about 80/20 and that's exactly how I like it! He won't be seeing the new baby overnight for a while since I will be nursing... Just so damn angry at everything and the whole situation, I wish I could figure a way our of this anger towards him bc truly, I don't want to hate the father of my children...I wouldn't have my amazing and beautiful kids without him! No one else on this earth could have given me those same kids and those children are my most prized gift! Father and Husband are two very different roles. Seperate and very able to exist with out the other. Thats the best way to treat them. Would you have allowed the man he is now to father your children? Of course not. Be angry at the husband. he hurt you, betrayed you, and damaged your sweet little family. He deserves your anger! The father, be cordial, and greatful for the children you created together. Sadly, from reading your story, it's the only thing hes gotten right! TOJAZ
2.50 a gallon Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 broken hearted How often does he get to see the child? Next time, when it starts hurting do what ever it takes to get your mind off of your loss. Pet your dog, clean. Prepare yourself ahead of time with a good book, video. Post here. If nothing else, tell us about the dog. Are you a craftsperson? I have already seen the first Christmas stuff going up, maybe get a book on xmas crafts, and the materials to work with, in the child absence.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Gallon LOL you are so right. I need to go on a manic clean and prep all the paperwork I need to get together. Broken I truly wish you lived close so we could meet! Tojaz has it right we are so angry at the H and yet the kids need the father (if he is still in there)... neither of us would ever give up our kids but like I keep telling myself it is a catch 22...This could have ended before my child and it would be easier And then I would have missed on having the best thing in my life, but having my child puts my baby in the middle and keeps that one string of the good with the one person who has hurt me the most...My life is what it is and I am dealing with the dingy I am on and I will do what is right to keep my head up high...that darn devil on my sholder just wishes I could smack the hell out of J and keep my baby to myself
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Gallon LOL you are so right. I need to go on a manic clean and prep all the paperwork I need to get together. Broken I truly wish you lived close so we could meet! Tojaz has it right we are so angry at the H and yet the kids need the father (if he is still in there)... neither of us would ever give up our kids but like I keep telling myself it is a catch 22...This could have ended before my child and it would be easier And then I would have missed on having the best thing in my life, but having my child puts my baby in the middle and keeps that one string of the good with the one person who has hurt me the most...My life is what it is and I am dealing with the dingy I am on and I will do what is right to keep my head up high...that darn devil on my sholder just wishes I could smack the hell out of J and keep my baby to myself Love and Cherish the memory of what was, but accept and respect the reality of what is! I love the ghost of my wife, what she meant to me and all the memories i will cherish for a lifetime, but I have to accept that that woman is gone and what is left, I don't want in my life, it's not healthy for me to go on wishing for something that isn't there. I just hope for both of you, that your husbands are man enough to do right by their kids in all respects. TOJAZ
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...if he doesn't do right by my baby... I will be there for him Maybe someday a man will love me and my son
tojaz Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...if he doesn't do right by my baby... I will be there for him Maybe someday a man will love me and my son No maybe about it Ladybug, when your ready, you'll find him. TOJAZ
Author broken hearted Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 Stuck on the why and the what if's this morning...
tojaz Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Stuck on the why and the what if's this morning... You mean Why miss him and What if the next one is TOO good to you and your kids? Sounds like a fine place to be. Don't let it get you down Broken! You may never be able to answer those questions anyways! TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 WHY is he such a ****** and WHAT IF you hadn't wasted your life on him? Just kidding Broken, well a little bit, I know it's hard, just remember this isn't about you or what you did or didn't do, your H betrayed you, went off with an OW, NO EXCUSES, nothing you did or didn't do justifys him doing that!
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