Mistakes you made / should not make after being dumped

[DSM2709]

I did put up with alot from her, I fell hard for her, I was so in love with this woman. She is pretty, sexy, smart and always on the go. She says that there were certain qualities that she was looking for in a man, and I guess I didn't have those qualities, however, I never drank, did drugs, hit her or her kids. I came home every night to her when we were living together, I never gambled the mortagage money away or even looked at another woman when I was with her. She hated when I was always on the computer or watching TV, I think those were pretty lame excuses to not want me anymore, she says I wasn't ambitious enough...whatever. I think she was just looking for excuses so she could fool around. I also come from an alcoholic family background....not open to discussion. I think that may be my problem with being alone.

[ScarLettIsle]

i don't recommend this - but everytime i saw my ex for at least the first 2 yrs - we would have all out street brawls... it was pretty rough

[hoping2heal]

I did put up with alot from her, I fell hard for her, I was so in love with this woman. She is pretty, sexy, smart and always on the go. She says that there were certain qualities that she was looking for in a man, and I guess I didn't have those qualities, however, I never drank, did drugs, hit her or her kids. I came home every night to her when we were living together, I never gambled the mortagage money away or even looked at another woman when I was with her. She hated when I was always on the computer or watching TV, I think those were pretty lame excuses to not want me anymore, she says I wasn't ambitious enough...whatever. I think she was just looking for excuses so she could fool around. I also come from an alcoholic family background....not open to discussion. I think that may be my problem with being alone.

 

Yeah that's fine, we don't need to discuss anything you're not willing to talk about. It would make sense though, us people who are used to holding a high tolerance for dysfunction,run the risk to hold the same high tolerance for it in relationships. If you grew up in a family that was very unstable, always changing, no security or stability, it makes sense you put up with so much from this woman.

 

Hopefully you learned it's possible to get your needs met, and you don't HAVE to settle for mistreatment such as this, to have that.

[DSM2709]

Well, she always kept telling me she didn't want to settle, she did in her previous marriage, and she swore she would never settle again. I didn't think she was settling with me, I thought she was happy, but I guess either she wants someone who treats her like crap, or whatever. She says she was the rock in the relationship, and I was too insecure. Maybe I was, but so what, I was good to her and her kids. Yeah, it got stressfull in the house at times, nothing is perfect. I realize she is damaged goods, and I just need to realize my accomplishments in life, and say to myself, "I didn't do anything wrong, she was wrong" and move on. It will get better.

[hoping2heal]

Well, she always kept telling me she didn't want to settle, she did in her previous marriage, and she swore she would never settle again. I didn't think she was settling with me, I thought she was happy, but I guess either she wants someone who treats her like crap, or whatever. She says she was the rock in the relationship, and I was too insecure. Maybe I was, but so what, I was good to her and her kids. Yeah, it got stressfull in the house at times, nothing is perfect. I realize she is damaged goods, and I just need to realize my accomplishments in life, and say to myself, "I didn't do anything wrong, she was wrong" and move on. It will get better.

 

I find it strange someone who cheats, is constantly deceptive with no desire to change, and puts others down; is worrying about "settling". I'd like to know what prize package she thinks she has to offer at the moment.

[DSM2709]

That is a good question. I think she just wants to be with different people, she says she doesn't have alot of "me" time, because of her taking care of the house, the kids, the dogs, working full time and going to school full time. She has way too much on her plate, but that is the way she likes it. I am a laid back type of person, I too work hard, but I also liked to relax, and she hated when I would just sit around...big freakin deal right? I am going to the gym now, and keeping busy. I think she has too many demands, and I also wonder why she just couldn't accept me for who I was. She also told me, she had committment issues....gee, it wouldn't be because you like to screw around would it....what fun would that be if you committed to someone who really cared about you. DUH!!

[hoping2heal]

That is a good question. I think she just wants to be with different people, she says she doesn't have alot of "me" time, because of her taking care of the house, the kids, the dogs, working full time and going to school full time. She has way too much on her plate, but that is the way she likes it. I am a laid back type of person, I too work hard, but I also liked to relax, and she hated when I would just sit around...big freakin deal right? I am going to the gym now, and keeping busy. I think she has too many demands, and I also wonder why she just couldn't accept me for who I was. She also told me, she had committment issues....gee, it wouldn't be because you like to screw around would it....what fun would that be if you committed to someone who really cared about you. DUH!!

 

Don't worry about it. You can never fix a hot mess. Many people die hot messes, it doesn't occur to them they should change, because there is always and will always be, an audience for everyone. Someone will always be willing to accept, put up with,a nd entertain even the most highly dysfunctional BS in the world. No one ever needs to actually change; and they will do just fine finding someone to be there for them. The difference is do you WANT to change? She doesn't now, she may never. This is just a tear down. Don't let a woman who looks good on the outside, fool you when she looks like hell on the inside.

[NightLord1]

i am on day three (again). and this time i have not done any of that. all i said was: really? already? there was no begging, pleading, arguing, being mean, or crying. and now i am just going no contact. there really is nothing else one can do. and the good thing about that is i dont feel pathetic and i dont have any regrets saying something i wish i didnt say. i am just 'gone' now. ive hit the road so to speak.

 

now i hope i can keep up with the no contact and dont become weak and email or text her in a couple weeks. i always find that as much as i have absolute detemrination right now, i wind up caving and saying, well, its only a text.

 

I SO said something similar to myself not too long ago. I said "the next girl that tells me I need time to think is going to get a reply back Alright...talk to you later." And that would be that.

 

I intend on upholding that.

[NightLord1]

I just looked too ****ing good. There's not a damn thing I can do to change it either.

 

You look like the dude from Paranormal State.

 

Regards,

[NightLord1]

Things I have done in the past...

 

Myspace stalked

 

Called them trying to reconsider and sometimes breaking down crying when they don't

 

Drove over to their house to see them to try to talk to them which never worked

 

Read e-books that gave all the SAME information about how to get them back and big surprise they all say go No contact (Don't buy these e-books!)

 

Went to psychics who were ALL wrong about what was going on

 

Saying that I have changed or would change for them

 

Trying to emotionally black mail them to come back (this was my lowest of the low and I really do not like to admit it)

 

Things I have done this time around:

Went to her house to try to talk (the first time didn't work so well)

Text her saying I was sorry (she accepted the apology but still wanted "time to think")

Went to her house after not hearing from her for four days asking for my book back i let her borrow and trying to talk to her again. (This one seemed to work at the time as we began to talk through texts again here and there but it still wound up being she blew me off completely a week later and I still haven't heard from her.)

 

Things that HAVE actually worked:

Let me tell you all something. I know a lot of you say that when its over its over. I disagree and i will tell you why I do. I have been through including this current situation SIX past relationships all where the women have said "i need time to think" and then it winds up they break up with me anyway. I'm not including this one currently because she never actually said she wanted to break up in any sense.

 

Anyway, I'm disagreeing because the ONLY thing that worked was me truly moving on with my life without them and then not talking to them AT ALL in any form. EVERY single ex except for ONE all came back around begging and pleading to come back to me and I denied them because I felt like I could do better. And the one that never came back I know why she never did and that was my own fault (long story).

 

My point is if you truly want your ex back and that is what you want above all else truly....then that is really the only thing I have found to work at all.

So there is hope for some people I guess.

[MrFun]

hoping2heal, that was awesome and it gave me a lot to think about!

[WiseOne1]

Well I've done a couple of things to get a past ex back, which If I can say "that im now 100% over" cheers..

 

 

Bad Things I've Done ______________________________________________________________

 

Begged her

 

Compared our relationship to her past relationships (because the guys always treated her like crap)

 

Called her over and over

 

Made her jealous by reading a Ebook, that actually worked!! But only lasted for 2 days until she wanted to break up again

 

Made her jealous even more by bragging about new gf's

 

Made her jealous some more by getting off the phone with her when other girls would call

 

Went on NC atlest 5 times promising that this is the last time she would ever hear from me again, and then calling 5 days later, kinda embarrasing

 

Changed my number, and then ended up becoming weak and calling her and giving her the new number

 

______________________________________________________________

Good Things I've done

 

MOVED ON

[love_confusion]

Wow! I did all of the things mentioned to get my ex back and I was the one who broke up with him. He made it clear in the beginning that he didn't want me back, which made me feel like he dumped me, so I felt the need to fix things. Had I to do again, I would've let him be and stopped all communication. Maybe I'll learn my lesson for the next time around...

[gypsi]

A question for nightlord

 

How long did it take for all the other exes to come back to you?

 

and

 

The girl who never came back did you cheat on her?

[bolso4]

man some of these posts are great to read.

They make me cringe in what I could have done.

1 month into the breakup, i got crazy jealous she was with this millionaire 32 year old (were in our mid 20s).

 

So I started to contact her

:1- got in a furious fight on msn, she did everythign in her power to hurt me "I got over you in 2 days, my new man is 10x what you were".

2- apology email, wish her well

3- text saying i wanted to be friend (she said she wasnt ready)

 

I felt REALLY bad for doing this. But apparently, after reading this forum, i havent even scratched the surface of "bad". (I didnt tell her i wanted her back, so thats good)

[NightLord1]

A question for nightlord

 

How long did it take for all the other exes to come back to you?

 

and

 

The girl who never came back did you cheat on her?

 

For all of them it was about a month maybe a month and a half. Hell even girls that I didn't get involved within a relatoinship sense and we were just "having fun" would drop off the face of the earth and then contact me back wanting to hang out again after a certain period of time.

 

As for the other girl no I didn't cheat on her. I found out she had been seeing someone else and I was so hurt that I deleted her from my myspace(we had been friends on there for 2 years previously) and then wrote to her friend saying what a bunch of BS she threw at me and lied to me. All that was AFTER we had spoken on the phone and agreed mutually that we could still be friends and she even asked me "if things get to be too much for me and I need to get away can I still come over?" at the time I had said yes but again finding out she was seeing somone else and that she never told me just devasted me beyond belief.

 

I think i really hurt her with those actions. If i hadn't had reacted like that and just left it be I have no doubt in my mind we would still be talking and I probably would have seen her again because she had "left the door open" at the time.

[DSM2709]

nightlord1, what are the chances of her calling me back if all I did was rehash the same old thing to her twice in one week, which I regret. I am giving her space and time now, and it will be one week this tuesday since we actually last "spoke"?

[NightLord1]

nightlord1, what are the chances of her calling me back if all I did was rehash the same old thing to her twice in one week, which I regret. I am giving her space and time now, and it will be one week this tuesday since we actually last "spoke"?

 

Keep giving her that time and space which isn't really "her" time and space it should be YOUR time and space. Leave her alone and if she contacts you get back to her but don't jump out of your skin to do so you know?

 

Just remain NC AS LONG AS IT TAKES. And while you do so you have to truly begin to let her go and move on as best you can.

 

If she really wants to talk to you she would and nothing would stop her from doing her so.

[DSM2709]

Well, at least it's something right? Thanks!!

[hoping2heal]

Well, at least it's something right? Thanks!!

 

LOL DSM, oh dear DSM..sugar..stop..what are you doing?

[hoping2heal]

hoping2heal, that was awesome and it gave me a lot to think about!

 

Glad I could help .

[DSM2709]

hoping2heal, I guess I'm just really having a tough time with this whole fiasco. I partially blame myself for this, but I also blame her for it to. I know I said in the past that I did nothing wrong to deserve this, but now I feel had I been the man in the relationship like she wanted, none of this would have happened and I would be with her right now. Overall, she took advantage of me, and she lied and cheated, I don't know why I want her back so much.

[hoping2heal]

hoping2heal, I guess I'm just really having a tough time with this whole fiasco. I partially blame myself for this, but I also blame her for it to. I know I said in the past that I did nothing wrong to deserve this, but now I feel had I been the man in the relationship like she wanted, none of this would have happened and I would be with her right now. Overall, she took advantage of me, and she lied and cheated, I don't know why I want her back so much.

 

I don't doubt your past has A LOT to do with why you're in a dysfunctional pattern. But you have stated you are not willing to talk about it, perfectly fine. It is your right to choose that. However, it's okay to have a tough time, but please be careful about feeding yourself the wrong way right now. You are grabbing at people who will tell you want you want to hear right now, instead of what you NEED to hear. Your past aside, what do you mean by being the man she wanted? You worked hard, yes? You treated her well, yes? You were good to her, and good and accepting of her children also, yes? What kind of man do you feel you could have been, to change her charachter?

 

Let me answer that for you, this woman lied, cheated, decieved, and tore you down. Why? Because you weren't something enough? No. I grew up being abused most of my life, when I was a child the person who inflicted the physical abuse, finally broke a bone in my body. My parents sent me to an aunts house, instead of dealing with the person (a sibling) who caused this abuse and had been doing so. Does this mean, that if I were a better sister I wouldn't of been abused? What if I were a better daughter? Would I have been treated differently? No. What happened had nothing to do with who I was. It was demons someone else had, not something to do with me.

 

This situation is NO different. She did those things because she is very dysfunctional and messed up, and she may always stay that way. You won't change it, you becoming a different man won't cause her to stay faithful to you, it won't stop her lying or decieving. You are seeking approval from this person as a way to validate yourself, it doesn't matter that this person is destructive and will rip you apart to the core.

[DSM2709]

Well, she is divorced, and I think that might have alot to do with it too. From her side of the story, he was cheating on her, and that's what caused the divorce. She was with him for a long time, she tells me she settled for him until the divorce. She had a house with him, and the two kids. I guess he really screwed her up, she had to file for bankruptcy, and her credit was all screwed up. So that's what I mean by saying she was "damaged goods". So now I wonder if that's her motto now, never settle for a man, and just play the field.

[hoping2heal]

Well, she is divorced, and I think that might have alot to do with it too. From her side of the story, he was cheating on her, and that's what caused the divorce. She was with him for a long time, she tells me she settled for him until the divorce. She had a house with him, and the two kids. I guess he really screwed her up, she had to file for bankruptcy, and her credit was all screwed up. So that's what I mean by saying she was "damaged goods". So now I wonder if that's her motto now, never settle for a man, and just play the field.

 

Okay, be careful that you don't start making excuses for her. Anyhow, no one has to be damaged goods. You choose to be, or you do something about it, but no one MUST remain damaged, many people just CHOOSE too. Why? Well, in a word : it's easier. We have all gone through painful things in life. One might know about my life and be utterly horrified, but I may hear about someone else's and think "wow, what happened to me was NOTHING." So, in reality; we all get hurt in life. We all get lied too, decieved, experience injustice, mistreatment. Being cheated on in a divorce isn't an excuse to become a cheater yourself.

 

 

If anything, it gives some insight into how de-volved that person is. Secondly, if she has felt she just "settled" her whole life with this guy, then once again; the angle you're trying to give her doesn't make sense. If you ever felt like you just "settled" with anyone, I can promise you that you are not in love, so hearing they cheated on you? I won't say it wouldn't hurt (your ego) or have it's set of pain to slough through, but do I believe it would traumatise one so severely and "really mess them up" ? Hurling them into a life of deception and cheating? No, not for one minute. I can't be sure if this is what she tells you is the case, or this is your summation, but it is incorrect and completely false.

 

It's the equivalent of me stubbing my toe and telling you I just had to get 20 stitches. I don't think so Tim (home improvement). I don't argue that what she went through wasn't hard or difficult for her having her credit marred and going through a divorce, but a lot of people go through the same thing and they don't come out decievers and cheaters. You are making excuses for her behavior, there isn't one.

 

You're causing yourself great harm trying to put yourself back in the black widow's web. Do not try and summon personal validation from someone who doesn't and has never cared about you in even the most BASIC ways, it will always bring dissapointment to you.