Mistakes you made / should not make after being dumped

[DSM2709]

Thanks hope2heal, I am taking all the advise wisely.

[hoping2heal]

Thanks hope2heal, I am taking all the advise wisely.

 

Well, I hope so I really do. For your sake.

[bolso4]

Hoping2Heal, you are unbelievably good at helping people. Thanks for being on this board.

[bolso4]

I have a question. My ex's b-day is in early january. If I were to message

her a quick "happy b-day" on facebook, would that seem desperate on my part

(as if i still want her back?). We ended on mediocre terms, but were close (were college sweethearts for 3 years).......she would appreciate it as apparently only 2-3 people on earth tell her happy bday (she says very few are "real friends")

 

I had moments of weakness i regret where I tried to contact her 2-3 times (but not to beg, basically to tell her that I didnt want to be on bad terms).

 

Though i think she thought that i liked her.

 

But on the other hand, I do feel like I lost power and self respect to a girl who's taking the lowest road imaginable. Dating a new guy (32) and posting it all over the net in order to make herself seem powerful and in control.

 

......Would NC show her that I basically dont care about her anymore....thus she has no power over me?

(((I do want to be friends with her eventually. But should i wait like a few years?)))

[hoping2heal]

I don't think you should send her a happy birthday no, why? Because it isn't genuine yet. Let me further explain, I'm sure you want to send her a happy birthday, I'm sure you even mean it BUT, in the same breath your happy birthday is loaded with a power struggle. You don't just mean a simple "Happy Birthday". The reality is, you do still care about her romantically, or you wouldn't be worried about her thinking that. What you're really afraid of, is being transparent with her. You don't want her to see that you still have some feelings for her, especially not when she's plastering it all over the internet (as you say) that she's with someone else. By the way, I'm curious; how do you know who she is dating?

 

 

I have a question. My ex's b-day is in early january. If I were to message

her a quick "happy b-day" on facebook, would that seem desperate on my part

(as if i still want her back?). We ended on mediocre terms, but were close (were college sweethearts for 3 years).......she would appreciate it as apparently only 2-3 people on earth tell her happy bday (she says very few are "real friends")

 

I had moments of weakness i regret where I tried to contact her 2-3 times (but not to beg, basically to tell her that I didnt want to be on bad terms).

 

Though i think she thought that i liked her.

 

But on the other hand, I do feel like I lost power and self respect to a girl who's taking the lowest road imaginable. Dating a new guy (32) and posting it all over the net in order to make herself seem powerful and in control.

 

......Would NC show her that I basically dont care about her anymore....thus she has no power over me?

(((I do want to be friends with her eventually. But should i wait like a few years?)))

[CaliGuy]

Bah I could write a book on this subject....

[hoping2heal]

Hoping2Heal, you are unbelievably good at helping people. Thanks for being on this board.

Oh, and Thankyou BTW.

[nature]

Hoping to Heal is brilliant at assessing a situation, and gives the best advice. Hoping, if you aren't going in to be a psychologist, you really should start your own website to counsel...i know I'd join!

[DSM2709]

I second that, awesome helper. Keep up the good work. You only hope that people are actually listening to her advise right?

[hoping2heal]

Hoping to Heal is brilliant at assessing a situation, and gives the best advice. Hoping, if you aren't going in to be a psychologist, you really should start your own website to counsel...i know I'd join!

 

LOL, okay you guys are too kind! TY all, really. I am glad I can be of help. And yes, I do hope they can take the advice, cause I know it will lessen their pain in the long run and help them.

 

[moo]

GEEZ, I made one mistake right after another.

 

-hours of crying to him on the phone, not asking him to take me back, but crying, asking the "whys," telling him how his behavior was affecting me, when for the most part he said nothing, threw his new gf in my face and treated me like I was a stranger.

 

-LONG emails full of insults, and apology for the insults, then more insults, and explaning over and over how he hurt me

 

-staying in bed most of the day for days

 

-pigging out again and again

 

-gaining weight, almost no exercise

 

-going to sleep at 3 am or later

 

Good things:

-reading self help books

 

-going to self help websites

 

-started exercising

 

-started eating healthier

 

-processing the break up and the relationship

 

-crafts

 

-going to therapy

 

-journaling

 

-started planning my future

 

-started accepting what happened

[bolso4]

hoping2heal, thank you again.

I found out after 1 month. I emailed her: "I dont want us to be on bad terms". We both went on MSN, and got in a huge fight, when i was just checking on her. I was fine the whole month, but had a moment of weakness when she asked "What do you want from this conversation, to get back together???". (3 years , college s-hearts btw). at this moment, i felt a rush of the old emotions, so said "I dont know". She proceded to break me appart, saying "i got over you in 3 minutes. This is done, etc".

 

After that she texted me that she was with another man who made her 1000000 x happier. I found out who it was later through a mutual friend, but wished i hadnt now. (Funny thing is she's moving away forever from this country in like 2 weeks).

 

that's how i found out

[bolso4]

She was so mean, cause of the type of person she is. Huge abandonment issues, and even tho it was mutual. It kind of felt like that, so she wanted to hurt me bad.

 

BTW, everything you said was 100% right , about how i feel.

But It would have to genuine....something that I wont know if ill feel come January. But its amazing how quickly im getting over her and the jealousy. 6 days ago i was a wreck, and now im great. I hardly think about her anymore and think about improving my life.

 

So I should only do it if , come january, im 150% over her?

How long should i take to try to rebuild a friendship? (like more than: "Hey happy b-day. take care". Should it be 3-4 years?). Because even if im over her, 5 months seems a little fast.

[WTFO]

I second that, awesome helper. Keep up the good work. You only hope that people are actually listening to her advise right?

 

X3 Man, this is like going to another IC. Thanks everybody!!

[nature]

6 days ago i was a wreck, and now im great. I hardly think about her anymore and think about improving my life.

 

So I should only do it if , come january, im 150% over her?

 

Bolso, I'm sorry you've been hurt. The only answer for you is No Contact. And facing yourself. When we try to trick ourselves into believing we are over them, it only prolongs the healing and pain. Face it and accept it.

 

I suspect you still think about her a great deal, or you wouldn't be writing on here about it. And you certainly would not be worried about her birthday in January. That is 6 months from now. You say you hardly think about her anymore, yet you are worried about whether to wish someone happy birthday 6 months from now? do you worry about all your "friends" birthday 6 months ahead? I doubt it.

 

Put her birthday out of your head. Worry about it in 6 months. Worry about it the day of her birthday. For now, who really cares? You don't know where you will be at in January. You are creating things to worry about, when all you should be focused on at the moment is YOU, staying NC, and facing your pain.

[EmptyPromises]

-begged

-cried

-hooked up with him thinking it would make him want me back.. but it just made me look to easy!

-called texted all the time when i should have just went no contact!

[bolso4]

Thank you Nature.

But my last question is: Should i wish her a happy bday if Im over her?

Will it make me look pathetic to write a quick message?

*Obviously not to think it matters what she thinks of me. But id just like to hear another perspective.

[nature]

Bolso...I split up with my ex a yr ago. He's tried to remain in contact....ie. friends. My mistake has been perhaps being a little too nice to him still (ie. answering his phone calls, sending him brief responses to his emails, not telling him to get the **** off my property when he's stopped by my house! lol).....me being a little too nice and not telling him, so as to appear like I don't care. A pride thing I guess. Wanting him to think I''m just hunky dory about it all, and he didn't ruin me, which he didn't. i was devestated (you can read my story in the post by HopingtoHeal titled "For Nature")....anyhow, the reason I am telling you this, is because...... my ex has a birthday coming up on Aug 24th. I'm certain he assumes I will wish him happy birthday, because I have been decent to him. However, I am not going to. Not because I am bitter and want to hurt him. But becasue he made the choice not to have me in his life by breaking up wtih him. So as much as I have been decent to him when he's contacted me, I will not contact him for anything, not even a birthday.

 

So my answer to you, is probably a big NO! Why would you? She broke up with you. Breaking up = they don't want you in their life as their special person anymore. A birthday is a special day, so why would you go out of your way to wish someone happy birthday who chose not to have you as the special person in their life anymore?

[hoping2heal]

She was so mean, cause of the type of person she is. Huge abandonment issues, and even tho it was mutual. It kind of felt like that, so she wanted to hurt me bad.

 

BTW, everything you said was 100% right , about how i feel.

But It would have to genuine....something that I wont know if ill feel come January. But its amazing how quickly im getting over her and the jealousy. 6 days ago i was a wreck, and now im great. I hardly think about her anymore and think about improving my life.

 

So I should only do it if , come january, im 150% over her?

How long should i take to try to rebuild a friendship? (like more than: "Hey happy b-day. take care". Should it be 3-4 years?). Because even if im over her, 5 months seems a little fast.

 

To be quite honest? When you ARE 150% over her? You may want to send a happy birthday BUT you may really not care at all about being her friend. You think you will now because you still have feelings for her, but once those feelings resolute? It isn't that you will hate her or anything, but you will begin feeling very neutral about her. Also, if she is still going through her "mean" phase, honestly because you will have resolved your romantic feelings, you will be very turned off by her atitude I'm willing to bet. You will think "what the heck, I don't want friends like that." However, if she is nice and civil; you will most likely wish her all the best, but really feel very neutral any longer about friendship.

 

Should it instead turn out you two move on, and became great friends? Then hey! Nothing wrong with that, it's just that often times when we're still in love we imagine at least being great friends once we've "moved on" then when we do? We just feel pretty neutral towards the person in terms of investing our time and building a friendship.

[DSM2709]

Hey hoping2heal, I have a question for you. Obviously you know my story with my ex and I, now one of her 2 sons just had a b-day in July, and I was there for his party and I got him a gift and a card etc etc...this was before the fallout. Now her 2nd son is having his b-day on the 12th of this month, should I send a card to him just to show that I care about him even though he's not my son, and it's not to try to get her back or have contact, even though I assume she will call to say thanks. I feel it's not the kids fault for what's happening betwen her and I. What are your thoughts...and they are good ones...LOL Thanks.

[hoping2heal]

Hey hoping2heal, I have a question for you. Obviously you know my story with my ex and I, now one of her 2 sons just had a b-day in July, and I was there for his party and I got him a gift and a card etc etc...this was before the fallout. Now her 2nd son is having his b-day on the 12th of this month, should I send a card to him just to show that I care about him even though he's not my son, and it's not to try to get her back or have contact, even though I assume she will call to say thanks. I feel it's not the kids fault for what's happening betwen her and I. What are your thoughts...and they are good ones...LOL Thanks.

 

 

You know, this is really a tough one. I agree whole heartedly that it is not the kids' fault for what happened. One of the more unfortunate things that can happen in a breakup is when two partners split and children are involved. The adult partners may be over the relationship (or, at least one is, right!) but the children still care about the person. My thoughts are as such, you are no longer going to be having a relationship with the children. Something that is unfortunate for both you, and them. While I might ordinarily suggest NOT doing it; the reason being A) you don't want to give an ex ammo; particularily a woman like who you were dating and B) you don't want to confuse the children, either. You will still care about them without seeing them, as they will you; but the reality is as such that you will never see them again.

 

I'm not sure how close they felt to you or how they took the news of you being absent from their lives. To be frank, I can't answer this one. I really honestly can't. There is the side of me that says; this is over and you don't want to confuse the children or keep the wound open, and then there is the side of me which says ; it might be okay this one last time since the breakup is fresh, and the other child was able to recieve a gift. Now, had you said his birthday is in September, my answer would of been to let sleeping dogs lie. More than a month would have passed since your break up and there is no need to open the wound up for the kids again. But since it's happened so close, it trully is a tough call.

 

You're going to have to decide what's best on this one. I don't have a clear cut answer for this. Consider how it will affect the children and wether or not how it will affect them negatively will outweight how it will affect them positively. You also need to consider wether your ex, is going to use what you've done and dirty it up. I'm thinking she may find a way to do that based on her past pattern of behavior, if she were too that would also only hurt the child.

 

So, this one is on you chief. Best of luck with it!

[DSM2709]

H2H, after reading your post and giving it some thought, I am considering NOT to send him a b-day card, because she may think it is a way to get her back or at least call me, and I don't want her to think I'm reaching out to her through her kid(s). I just thought it would be a nice gesture is all. I'm really not sure how she will take it, but I feel it's better safe than sorry to NOT send a card and keep the NC going until she is ready to contact me. Also, I'm not exactly sure what she told the kids about what has happenend between us, I do remember asking her what she was going to tell the kids about us when I did leave, and she said that her oldest son said to her "mom, if your not happy, then your not happy", I'm not sure whether to believe that since he is only 8 years old, but whatever. She is going to paint her own version of what happenend between us to anyone that asks, friends, parents, co-workers etc, and tell them what she wants them to hear and not the truth, that she wasn't being faithful or truthful to me, and that she took advantage of my weaknessess as a man during our relationship. It's now been 5 whole days since we last spoke, I'm doing good, we'll see how the rest of the week goes. Thanks again.

[hoping2heal]

H2H, after reading your post and giving it some thought, I am considering NOT to send him a b-day card, because she may think it is a way to get her back or at least call me, and I don't want her to think I'm reaching out to her through her kid(s). I just thought it would be a nice gesture is all. I'm really not sure how she will take it, but I feel it's better safe than sorry to NOT send a card and keep the NC going until she is ready to contact me. Also, I'm not exactly sure what she told the kids about what has happenend between us, I do remember asking her what she was going to tell the kids about us when I did leave, and she said that her oldest son said to her "mom, if your not happy, then your not happy", I'm not sure whether to believe that since he is only 8 years old, but whatever. She is going to paint her own version of what happenend between us to anyone that asks, friends, parents, co-workers etc, and tell them what she wants them to hear and not the truth, that she wasn't being faithful or truthful to me, and that she took advantage of my weaknessess as a man during our relationship. It's now been 5 whole days since we last spoke, I'm doing good, we'll see how the rest of the week goes. Thanks again.

 

I think this sounds like a good choice I do. Your ex is extremely manipulative and childish and she doesn't sound like she would be the type to let your good natured act go unpunished.

 

Curious though, what does going NC and waiting for her to contact me mean? Are you hoping to reconcile with her still?

[DSM2709]

Well, I would like to have some contact with her, even if it's just as friends. I want her to know that I have changed my ways, and that I don't want to rehash the past anymore, and move forward. I want her to miss me I guess, but I need to give her time and space like she asked. Maybe sometime down the road, we will reconnect, who knows. I did some thinking, and I should have put my foot down more during the relationship and been more assertive and more of a leader. All I can do now is learn from this experience move forward from here, and see what happens. Do I still love her?, yes but I know what she wants and if she can't get that from me, then so be it, good luck to her. I have to learn about myself and love myself first. I am what's important now, and I need to focus on me. She is the one who has to live with the guilt, and the lies she's told, but being that she's very independent, she might not either. It may be easier for her to move on than it is for me, but that's where I need to build on my confidence and insecurity.

[hoping2heal]

Alright DSM. Scoot on over here. You and I are going to have a little chit-chat.

 

 

Well, I would like to have some contact with her, even if it's just as friends.

Do you find most of your friends lie to you regularly and are deceptive? This is a legitimate question. This woman has lied to you, cheated on you, and made many jabs at your self esteem. Do you typically choose to sourround yourself with friends who operate in likewise manner?

 

I want her to know that I have changed my ways,

 

Are you fine with her not having changed her ways then?

Also, you haven't changed your "ways" either. You feel she dumped you for not being more assertive and having more of a backbone. Taking back a cheater, liar, and someone who tears you down is being neither assertive, having a backbone, and goes to show at this point you have zero self respect. The irony here? The only way to show her you changed? Is too not allow someone of her nature back in your life.

 

 

 

 

and that I don't want to rehash the past anymore, and move forward.

 

What will you be moving forward into? Her next affair? The next set of lies she tells you? The next episode of her cutting you down?

 

 

I want her to miss me I guess,

 

This is normal, I don't fault you for this. Sure, she's a real first class BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. But I wouldn't expect anyone, no matter how their ex behaved or acts to suddenly lose all feelings immediately. It doesn't work like that and it doesn't have too. It's okay to miss the ex, it's okay to want them to miss you, it's even okay to "Want" them back, as long as you are smart enough to know it can't actually be that way for your own good.

 

 

but I need to give her time and space like she asked. Maybe sometime down the road, we will reconnect, who knows.

 

What do you see happening then? I've already said this in my response so far, are you fine with her not changing? She has shown she doesn't want to change. So she isn't going too. She's going to continue to play her role the way she wants,and you can either sit there like a sucker and let her cheat, decieve and cut you down or you can move out of the way and she'll find the next poor chump to play with.

 

 

 

I did some thinking, and I should have put my foot down more during the relationship

Agreed

 

and been more assertive and more of a leader. All I can do now is learn from this experience move forward from here, and see what happens.

Okay, so tell me, does an assertive, leadership type man, accept a woman cheating, lying, and cutting him down?

 

 

Do I still love her?, yes but I know what she wants and if she can't get that from me, then so be it, good luck to her. I have to learn about myself and love myself first.

 

This is very true, and allowing someone to cheat on you, cut you down, and continue to decieve you is not loving yourself or showing it any respect. It will be hard to respect yourself knowing you let someone treat you this way.

 

I am what's important now, and I need to focus on me.

YES! YES! YES! Now, if only there was a way to get you to genuinely believe that.

 

 

She is the one who has to live with the guilt, and the lies she's told, but being that she's very independent, she might not either.

 

I highly doubt she feels any guilt or sense of remorse for her actions. Also, being indepedent does not, and has never meant you just go around hurting people and selfishly serving yourself and never feeling any remorse. There's a word for her alright, but indepedent isn't it.