Mistakes you made / should not make after being dumped

[DSM2709]

H2H, some extremely good points made, I want her to stop the lying and the cheating (which she won't). We're not tech. together now, so I don't know if one would consider it cheating....before?? def. yes. With the sexually explicit text message I found, and the strange phone numbers, and her always having an answer for it or anything I questioned her on, yes very decietful and quick witted, because she knew I didn't want to lose her, so she would string me along even though she says she wasn't and that I was always assuming these things, and then blaming it on my insecurity. I don't want to be a doormat anymore, but I want her to know that I was onto her game, but again she would deny it, and she's very convincing, yet another tool of her trade, so I guess it's just not worth the trouble. I do need to wake up and smell the coffee, and stop hanging on to what is never gonna happen, and that's us getting back together. I need to end this vicious cycle, and cut myself out of her web of deception.

[hoping2heal]

H2H, some extremely good points made, I want her to stop the lying and the cheating (which she won't). We're not tech. together now, so I don't know if one would consider it cheating....before?? def. yes. With the sexually explicit text message I found, and the strange phone numbers, and her always having an answer for it or anything I questioned her on, yes very decietful and quick witted, because she knew I didn't want to lose her, so she would string me along even though she says she wasn't and that I was always assuming these things, and then blaming it on my insecurity. I don't want to be a doormat anymore, but I want her to know that I was onto her game, but again she would deny it, and she's very convincing, yet another tool of her trade, so I guess it's just not worth the trouble. I do need to wake up and smell the coffee, and stop hanging on to what is never gonna happen, and that's us getting back together. I need to end this vicious cycle, and cut myself out of her web of deception.

 

You not getting back together isn't the only thing that is never going too happen, her stopping the lying, stopping the cheating, stopping the cutting you down. Even if you DID get back together; that stuff would never stop- it would NEVER stop. Because if you're together she KNOWS without a doubt she can pull her shenanigans afterall VIOLA you're there, right? Her big lines about wanting space, you know what that REALLY is? That's her grooming you. Guess what? Deceptive little spider she is, but it worked. She is the one doing the cheating, lying, and cutting YOU down and you know how she fixes that? She throws you out on your butt and then tells you she needs space. That way you start to think YOU have done something wrong, and you grow GREATFUL that she will give you a chance to be in her life again. Like I said- she's smart it worked like a charm. All week you've been posting about what you need to change, about what you did wrong, down on yourself for not being better. She's good at what she does, she's damn good.

[Trialbyfire]

While I never did this, it's been done to me and I found it disturbing. Begging, pleading and playing on pathos, doesn't lead to respect, including and especially YOU, respecting yourself.

 

This has got to be the worst way to try to get someone not to leave or to come back.

[DSM2709]

Yeah, it seemed like everytime the kids went away with the ex husband for a week (once in April, once in July and again in August), that is when she pulled her stunts. I mean we were living together at her new house, then in April when it all started, is when she suggested that I find my own place, because she was frustrated with me always yelling at the kids, and so on and so forth, yet I find her talking to another guy on the phone behind closed doors, while I'm in the house at the same time. She was logging into a dating site, and doing whatever, etc etc. I should have put my foot down then, and said WTF? but I didn't and that's when she took advantage of me, and it's been like that ever since. Then I found other things to confirm my suspicions of her being decietful. And the whole time, she had an answer for everything, and swore she wasn't messing around, and that I was just being "insecure". 5 months later, we've come no further. It did get frustrating at the house, with the kids, the dogs and the everyday hustle and bustle, such is life, but I did the best I could, and yes I did accept her kids, and took on the responsibility of being in the house with her, because I loved her very much. She didn't have a problem with me watching the kids when she had school or when they got home from school and she was working though did she? I cared for those kids as if they were my own. Could I have been more ambitious and more of a challenge for her, maybe, but I think she would have done what she wanted anyway and just blamed me for the relationship going sour. Like I said, she is very smart (former paralegal), very quick witted, and very convincing. I was a sap, and she knew it, and took advantage of it. Sorry if I sound like a broken record. I think I was too nice to her, and she read right through me. She had no respect for me whatsoever, and I feel like I let it happen.

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, it seemed like everytime the kids went away with the ex husband for a week (once in April, once in July and again in August), that is when she pulled her stunts. I mean we were living together at her new house, then in April when it all started, is when she suggested that I find my own place, because she was frustrated with me always yelling at the kids, and so on and so forth, yet I find her talking to another guy on the phone behind closed doors, while I'm in the house at the same time. She was logging into a dating site, and doing whatever, etc etc. I should have put my foot down then, and said WTF? but I didn't and that's when she took advantage of me, and it's been like that ever since. Then I found other things to confirm my suspicions of her being decietful. And the whole time, she had an answer for everything, and swore she wasn't messing around, and that I was just being "insecure". 5 months later, we've come no further. It did get frustrating at the house, with the kids, the dogs and the everyday hustle and bustle, such is life, but I did the best I could, and yes I did accept her kids, and took on the responsibility of being in the house with her, because I loved her very much. She didn't have a problem with me watching the kids when she had school or when they got home from school and she was working though did she? I cared for those kids as if they were my own. Could I have been more ambitious and more of a challenge for her, maybe, but I think she would have done what she wanted anyway and just blamed me for the relationship going sour. Like I said, she is very smart (former paralegal), very quick witted, and very convincing. I was a sap, and she knew it, and took advantage of it. Sorry if I sound like a broken record. I think I was too nice to her, and she read right through me. She had no respect for me whatsoever, and I feel like I let it happen.

 

I agree with everything said here. I am proud of you for what you're coming to realise, I really am. You're a work in progress DSM. Good for you .

[DSM2709]

Thank you H2H for your support, again I'm sorry if I keep going back and forth, I hope I'm not driving you crazy, but as hard as this whole thing is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light just might be me right?

[DSM-IV]

Thank you H2H for your support, again I'm sorry if I keep going back and forth, I hope I'm not driving you crazy, but as hard as this whole thing is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light just might be me right?

.....

 

....no.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you H2H for your support, again I'm sorry if I keep going back and forth, I hope I'm not driving you crazy, but as hard as this whole thing is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light just might be me right?

 

You aren't driving me crazy, and go back and forth as much as you need too, I will be right there to bring you back to reality should you wander off on the fringe . You're doing really good right now, you really are. You should be proud of yourself tonight. *Snaps for DSM* (Sorry, I watch too much legally blonde LOL! )

[vee6winks]

Love all of this. I used to think I was crazy for doing it all...but come to find out...we are all normal just experiencing the pain of a broken heart.

[moo]

I wasn't crazy, but I overreacted BIG time.

[steelfist9]

Let me see all the things I did

 

- begged

- wrote long letters

- bought flowers

- showed up unexpectedly

- told I was going nc and kept breaking it

- cried on the phone

- wrote poems

- said I would change even though I did nothing wrong

- facebook stalked

- sent forwards

- called and hung up on "special" days

- tried to make her jealous

 

yes I was this pathetic for more than a month, don't make the mistakes I did

 

I think the bolded part is the worst thing you can do. A few people have told me to do so, but I feel like why should I waste my time.

[love_confusion]

While I never did this, it's been done to me and I found it disturbing. Begging, pleading and playing on pathos, doesn't lead to respect, including and especially YOU, respecting yourself.

 

This has got to be the worst way to try to get someone not to leave or to come back.

 

I've had guys do a lot of the stuff mentioned in this thread to me and I've always been annoyed and a bit freaked out by it. I never quite understood why people would go to such a level to get someone back. That was until I messed things up with a guy and did everything to him that I found annoying when tried on me. I didn't realize that until I went back and read a lot of the things I sent him. Love makes you do crazy things!

[steelfist9]

It's because people are scared of being alone. Beeing in a relationship is like a fantasy. For a lot of people it gives them a purpose and meaning in life that they didn't ahve without the relationship. When you lose that, you start seeing the emptiness and you try to gravitate towards the person.

 

I haven't done this to her, though cause I'm just not the person to beg and do all this stuff. Doesn't mean that I'm not hurt though. I just deal with it differently.

[llala]

i texted, emailed...but never to beg. Just to check up on them really. Though

im sick to my stomach that I gave him any attention now. His ego prob shot through the roof.

[john1988]

Things I have done in the past...

 

Myspace stalked

 

Called them trying to reconsider and sometimes breaking down crying when they don't

 

Drove over to their house to see them to try to talk to them which never worked

 

Read e-books that gave all the SAME information about how to get them back and big surprise they all say go No contact (Don't buy these e-books!)

 

Went to psychics who were ALL wrong about what was going on

 

Saying that I have changed or would change for them

 

Trying to emotionally black mail them to come back (this was my lowest of the low and I really do not like to admit it)

 

Things I have done this time around:

Went to her house to try to talk (the first time didn't work so well)

Text her saying I was sorry (she accepted the apology but still wanted "time to think")

Went to her house after not hearing from her for four days asking for my book back i let her borrow and trying to talk to her again. (This one seemed to work at the time as we began to talk through texts again here and there but it still wound up being she blew me off completely a week later and I still haven't heard from her.)

 

Things that HAVE actually worked:

Let me tell you all something. I know a lot of you say that when its over its over. I disagree and i will tell you why I do. I have been through including this current situation SIX past relationships all where the women have said "i need time to think" and then it winds up they break up with me anyway. I'm not including this one currently because she never actually said she wanted to break up in any sense.

 

Anyway, I'm disagreeing because the ONLY thing that worked was me truly moving on with my life without them and then not talking to them AT ALL in any form. EVERY single ex except for ONE all came back around begging and pleading to come back to me and I denied them because I felt like I could do better. And the one that never came back I know why she never did and that was my own fault (long story).

 

My point is if you truly want your ex back and that is what you want above all else truly....then that is really the only thing I have found to work at all.

So there is hope for some people I guess.

 

Really enjoy reading some of your posts Nightlord with regards to the part about your ex's all getting in touch with you again over a period of months, what's the chances do you think about hearing from an ex a few years down the line?

[silic0ntoad]

Really enjoy reading some of your posts Nightlord with regards to the part about your ex's all getting in touch with you again over a period of months, what's the chances do you think about hearing from an ex a few years down the line?

 

My first love, an ex from HS, messaged me abour 5 years after the break up, wanting to hang out. It does happen. NL is right- almost every ex I have had that has cut me loose came back after I got over them. IDK why.

 

I wouldn't cling to false hope at all. Let it go and see where the tides of time have you end up. I believe fate is what we make it out to be. IDK, I guess I am an F'd up individual.

 

Things I did this time around:

-Texted, mainly looking for an explanation.

-Wrote an email accepting the break up.

-Asked if this was what she really wanted.

-Long story, but there is a condition called adult children of alcoholics. I think this is truly what ended our relationship. If you were to look at the list of "symptoms" she fit every single category. I offered to help her with this in any way I could. She didn't respond. Her loss.

 

Things I did NOT do this time around:

-Beg, plead, or even cry (Not to or in front of her, at least. IDK why, I just held firm throughout.)

-Myspace stalk.

-Call incessantly.

-Stalk in general.

 

I am through with being a door mat for people. As far as a break up goes, I'll never beg or plead with anyone, for anything. I understand how the heart sometimes overpowers the mind. IDK, I'll never do the begging and pleading again. And as far as the ex goes, I miss our relationship, but as cold and calculated as she was at the end, I feel better knowing it didn't happen after I popped the question.

[john1988]

My first love, an ex from HS, messaged me abour 5 years after the break up, wanting to hang out. It does happen. NL is right- almost every ex I have had that has cut me loose came back after I got over them. IDK why.

 

I wouldn't cling to false hope at all. Let it go and see where the tides of time have you end up. I believe fate is what we make it out to be. IDK, I guess I am an F'd up individual.

 

Things I did this time around:

-Texted, mainly looking for an explanation.

-Wrote an email accepting the break up.

-Asked if this was what she really wanted.

-Long story, but there is a condition called adult children of alcoholics. I think this is truly what ended our relationship. If you were to look at the list of "symptoms" she fit every single category. I offered to help her with this in any way I could. She didn't respond. Her loss.

 

Things I did NOT do this time around:

-Beg, plead, or even cry (Not to or in front of her, at least. IDK why, I just held firm throughout.)

-Myspace stalk.

-Call incessantly.

-Stalk in general.

 

I am through with being a door mat for people. As far as a break up goes, I'll never beg or plead with anyone, for anything. I understand how the heart sometimes overpowers the mind. IDK, I'll never do the begging and pleading again. And as far as the ex goes, I miss our relationship, but as cold and calculated as she was at the end, I feel better knowing it didn't happen after I popped the question.

 

Thanks man I appreciate that, some good advice there

[Beeotch]

I suppose most have been said but I guess I will reiterate using some things I did as well as things I have not done but that shouldn't be done anyway:

 

1. Email/text/IM stalking....it is a natural response, we all do it. I constantly (well every other week maybe) sent him lengthy emotional emails or texts or IMs talking about how I felt and trying to get answers. ALL it did was make him annoyed, pi$$ed off, frustrated, upset etc and he usually either answered dryly,or not at all which of course made me feel WORST!

 

2. Continue having sex with the ex....for the closeness, thinking that it would bring us closer and would be emotional and would lead us back together. No it did not. Most times I was emotionally drained after because I realized it was just sex and nothing romantic and what I wanted was the emotional closeness and emotional intimacy not just the sex, and ofcourse I didn't get that so I just felt EMPTY and USED after. ONCE however, the last time my ex and I had sex it was actually passionate and romantic and I could tell feelings were involved. But even then....that was that. It didn't lead to deep talks or reconciliation.

 

3. Checking up on them/online/real life stalking.... If you care about them it is only natural to check to see if they are still alive. But when it becomes excessive like constantly checking their social sites (Facebook, Twitter, Myspace pages), constantly checking their tsatus messages looking for clues ...come on, you know you do it. You check their status on Facebook, on Yahoo msnger, Twitter and you read into it trying to see if they are talking about you and the relationship or another woman/man etc. TORTURE! Because you CANNOT really tell usually unless they say your name or they spell out the situation or it is a clear inside thing between you two, what they're talking about. It may or may not be about you and we usually get paranoid and make up all these meanings, either giving ourselves false hope or unecessarily making ourselves feel bad about something that may not even be bad. No need to explain how real life stalking ca be bad (I have not done that but I thought I would add it anyway)

 

4. Rehashing things over and over with the ex....this can take the form of those emails, texts, IMs, phone calls, face to face etc. I think ONE email or confrontation putting all your feelings out there should be done....at most TWO. But everyday, every week, every month trying to get them to asnwer unanswered questions or to talk more about the break up or future is futile, seems desperate and I suppose annoying to them and a bruise to your dignity when you come to your senses and look back

 

5. Stalking their friends/family members... I have not done this with my ex. But this ofcourse is a NO NO. DO NOT stalk their friends, grill them for information about your ex. Neither should you stalk their mom, dad, brother, sister, cousins, aunt, grand parents, dog sitter etc. If you and their family were close (those who weren't married)...you don't have to be mean to them or ignore them completely but you should keep contact to a MINIMUM. I am sure they know you all broke up and know it is awkward and will completely get that you aren't going to be talkign to them like you used to. Stalking them is going to have you looking like a fool to a LARGER group of people and not only your ex. It is bad enough for your ex to look down on you but to have all his/her friends and family members snickering about you, pitying you or worst running in the other direction when they see you...is unacceptable!

 

6. Stalking their new gf/bf... This is self explanatory and goes along with #5. I have not done this (my ex just got a new gf and I found out 2 days ago)...I think I figured out through an investigation of Myspace (which I should not have done...but curiosity got the better of me) who she is. But now that I think I know that is all I wanted to know and that is the LAST of me finding anything out about that situation. DO NOT ask your ex about their new relationship, DO NOT email, text, call this new person if you have their info to threaten them, prank them or grill them about your ex. Put your ex and their new love OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND as again, you do not want your ex and their new love to be laughing at you, pitying you and being smug towards you. The BEST you can do is perhaps wish them well if any words are to be spoken and hold your head up and pretend they do not exist even if it is killing you...versus giving your ex the time of day to see you sweat/cry/act insane over them.

 

 

 

 

If I think of more I shall post it: But I made the mistake of not going NC. If I could do it over...well actually all things happen for a reason and I learned lessons from my mistakes so I shall say for FUTURE situations (hopefully not )..this is how I would conduct it:

 

The day or the first week or so after the break up I would get all my feelings out and ask all the questions (without begging, pleading etc). Whether in person or through a thought out email. Get ALL my feelings out from that time...and then go NC.

 

Pretty much state my feelings, what I desire, what I will and won't accept and then LEAVE THEM ALONE!

 

If in that 1st week I did not apologize or anything (because ofcourse with emotions we often are clouded and not thinking straight)....if after going NC I come to an epiphany about my part in the demise of the situation or if I realzied I handled the break up badly I would email this person an apology (ONLY if I am sincere) to clear my conscience and then MOVE FORWARD although it hurts.

 

This way I will get to say what I need to say in a dignified manner...without being excessive and I can move forard with a clear conscience and not give my ex a million reasons and ammunition to say how horrible I was, crazy, etc.