wayj99 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 My wife of 2 years cheated on me before we were married. I was quick to forgive her and to help her be a better person. 3 months ago, we became close (no sex or anything, just spending a lot of time together) with another couple. After a month the guy of this couple suggested we take each other's spouse on a date just for the fun of it. We all agreed that it would be fun, but we must maintain a clear channel of communication for it to be ok. I started to see everyone getting too close and dependant on the other couple's spouse and called off the whole thing and said we needed to distant ourselves from the other couple. That weekend I went out of town and my wife cheated with this guy. I just found out (2 months later). In the mean time, I found out they told each other that they loved each other. The explanation was that it was said as "friends". Come to find out it was said in the act of sex. At one point during the 2 months, I was convinced by my wife that I was unrational in calling it off and I should have talked about it. Sexual flirting started to happen and she convinced me that we should exchange partners once. I was ok with it due to the open channel of communication and that it was a mutual decision and event. Come to find out they had sex several times outside of the one time we exchanged. I feel like I've been totally lied to and manipulated. I agree to a certain extent I accepted the one exchange. I never said I "loved" the other girl. My wife made an emotional connection that I did not at all. She wants to work things out, I no longer have any trust in her at all. She even lied to me about the use of protection when I finally did find out about everything. We did all agree that protection would be used during the one exchange. Based on her history of cheating and all the lies and manipulation, should I leave? No kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Unfortunately when a couple agrees to having an open relationship they have to expect a slew of problems to come with it as well.... regardless of whether unforseen circumstances arise..... groundlines need to be set, how far each couple will go etc.... usually what happens at one point or another a spouse will end up feeling resentment cheated on etc..... in order to have a "good" open relationship (if thats even possible) you have to be able to have 100% trust with eachother... and because of the agreement they complied with they really put themselves in that position..... however due to there being secrets kept etc... past trust issues as well.... obviously at some point in time there was a communication problem between all parties involved.... whatever was decided with your arrangemnts should have been made very clear to your partner as well as him; what is allowed and what isnt..... that goes without saying of the actual sexual acts, what can be said etc... etc... if a common ground cannot be made or is crossed..... and your feeling the way you do.... obviously there was no consideration of your feelings or his spouses feelings.... have you spoken to her?..... id say an open relationship in your case is not a healthy decision as there were apparent trust issues befor eyou got married.... as far as you leaving her you have to consider the agreement that was made between you guys..... you may have to do alot of inner searching, will you be able to trust her again, assets involved, will you be strong enough what feels right for you...... honestly the way i see it is if you cant even trust her before your marriage, WITH an open relationship then how the hell you gonna be able to trust her PERIOD.... but thats just my opinion.... each person knows there own limits..... and whats right for them.... what is a marriage without trust?????? good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
shybloke Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 from what you've posted, and what I'm reading into it, it sounds as if the guy from the other couple had started to have feelings for your wife, and by suggesting that you swap partners for a date was a thinly disguised way to have an affair with your wife, but in a way that it wasn't him betraying anyone. Unfortunately, you've come off badly. If the trust is gone, then if I were in your position, I'd bail out completely, unless you feel that you can trust your wife 100% at some point in the future. If you don't think you ever can, then call it quits. How is the other couple's relationship coping with this difficult situation, as there is a fourth party involved here? If you leave, will your wife continue to see this other guy? when you say no kids involved, do you mean from your marriage, or both couples? Hope you get sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 After a month the guy of this couple suggested we take each other's spouse on a date just for the fun of it. We all agreed that it would be fun, but we must maintain a clear channel of communication for it to be ok. NOTE TO SELF: Never loan boyfriend out to horny gal pals! Link to post Share on other sites
wayj99 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 You guys hit the main problem.....I have NO trust in her right now and can't imagine how she could ever regain it. I have been questioning everything she's told me over the past two/three months now. After talking with the spouse of this guy, it's obvious both of our spouses think about themselves first and sometimes that's all they think about. The other couple are in a bigger mess than we are. They guy has said that he doesn't love her. He has some other problems as well. Both of them are trying to work it out at this point. I want nothing more than to be happy in my relationship again, but I don't think I can with being disrespected and loosing all trust. Also, did I really fall in love with someone that can go out and fall in love with someone else so quick? No kids involved all around. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Don't mean to sound harsh or judgmental, but what on earth were you thinking, entering into marriage with someone who had cheated on you prior to marrying? Her behavior then should have been a huge red flag. Secondly, given the above, what on earth were you thinking, agreeing to each go on dates with another couple? How bizarre is that? That's just asking for problems. By agreeing to this, and taking part in it, I hate to say it but you opened the door for the problems you have now. Marriage shouldn't include bringing other people into the mix, period. Maybe you seriously need to sit down and figure out what marriage and fidelity and commitment mean to you. Of course you can't trust your wife, she's cheated on you twice. Do you need a third time? The writing was on the wall prior to your marriage that she's someone who can't be faithful. Take note, get out, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Originally posted by wayj99 Based on her history of cheating and all the lies and manipulation, should I leave? No kids involved. Sounds like a YES to me. I would strongly suggest you get counseling to help you sort your life out. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I knew two couples who decided to take sensual massage classes together. Eventually they all split because of this same sort of situation. Bottom line: don't go getting naked with or 'dating' others' spouses. This is only asking for trouble. Old cliché but true - play with fire and you'll get burnt. Link to post Share on other sites
john31NewYork Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 The fact that you agreed to enter into an extra-marital relationship implied that fidelity was not important to you. You slept with another woman during your marriage. The fact that she knew about it and agreed to it doesn't change that fact. It's like you're saying we need to be honest with each other with your mouth, but your actions are saying we can sleep with whomever we want. Personally, I think you cheated on her too when you slept with that other woman. You're just like all men that cheat except that your game plan is to try to convince your wife to give you permission to cheat. Even worse you enter into some twisted agreement where she can cheat on you if you can cheat on her. It seems you don't care about her, you only care about your own sexual desires. The only difference between your wife's cheating and your cheating is that she's not trying to justify her cheating by seeking your permission or making some sort of perverted barter. I think you should work things out with your wife. It's really your fault that all of this happened not her fault. You allowed her to have sex with this man and to get closer to him and now that she has fallen for him you must be responsible for the consequences. So work it out with her and reevaluate your moral values. Find a church or something because you're really lost. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneKatal Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 Ignore the last post, this guy doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. Way, it sounds like your wife doesn't have a lot of respect for you. Respect is important in any relationship, particularly an open one. My significant other and I have had a lot of problems recently due to his ex-wife coming back on the scene, and we've had to seriously reconsider how we're defining "open relationship", so I've definitely "been there". From what you've said, your wife has betrayed your trust serially, despite the fact that you seem to have behaved responsibly and with respect for all parties involved. You used protection, she did not, she lied to you about hooking up with this guy, she formed an emotional attachment to him... If you don't trust her now, and you doubt you ever will again, the relationship is already effectively over. All that remains now is the legal formalities- take care of those quickly, and set about rebuilding your life. You don't need this kind of baloney. Good luck, Anne Link to post Share on other sites
wayj99 Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 Thanks Anne! I really appreciate everything you said. I have a great deal of respect for everyone's opions, however I was quite disturbed by the last guy's comments as well. Thanks everyone for your opinions and thoughts. I really appreciate them! Link to post Share on other sites
Feel Your Pain Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 I am so sorry. Your choices are frought with pain, and now there is no easy way out. An "open" relationship is actually a prescription for problems. A true marraige is based on unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. Love isn't a feeling; it is a decision to desire the best for the other person. Emption may be involved, but that isn't love in the truest sense. If you and your spouse are not willing to commit to each other then I don't see much hope. Try reading the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It helped me a great deal when my wife of 10 years became involved with a mutual friend. By the way, we are going to make it...after much agony, therapy, and support from true friends. I wish you the very best in your relationship. May you find true peace. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Sorry way, but dump the ho. Sure, the partner-swapping was consensual. But her carrying on with this guy behind your back wasn't. Neither was her cheating on you before the marriage. She's a waste of your time. She's cheated twice -- the second time after you'd already forgiven her before. If you forgive her again, she'll figure she's got a license to keep doing it because you'll always forgive her. It might get better, but I doubt it. She's morally compromised and will make your life miserable. You've gotten the wakeup call to end all wakeup calls. Find somebody who's actually worth making an emotional investment in. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Why in the world did you decided to 'swap' knowing she cheated on you before? I'm sorry, but that is just foolish. Granted that shouldn't have given her the right to cheat, but you were in a way tempting her. When couples swing, they have 110% trust in each other. They must not get emotionally attached to the other couple. You are playing a game of chance when you do this with someone who's cheated in the past. You both need to talk to each other & find out what you really want in the relationship. If someone cheated on me, and I was foolish (or have a big heart, depending on how you look at it) to take her back, no way would I even think about another couple. It would probably take years for me to regain full trust in her again. Link to post Share on other sites
GERSON Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 OHH MAN WHAT A LOOSER! YOU SO PATHETIC U SHOULD OF LEFT THE DAMN SLUT A LONGGG TIME AGOOOO ARE U THAT UGLY AND SORRY U CANT GET ANOTHER CHIK? GIVING US GUYS A BAD NAME STAY STRONG FELLA WHAT EVA KNOCKS YA DOWN MAKES YA STORNGER RIGHT? PEACE OUT PLAYER AND BEST OF LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
myangelboys3 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Wow!!! I trully feel your pain. However, I believe what you all allowed was a set up for disaster. Even though you felt ok with the plan I feel you were taken advantage of. I am so sorry for you pain. As long as you all are so involved with each others relationships I dont feel you can honestly work things out the right way. If you want to try to work it out back away from those people and start fresh. Do not swap partners or you will get hurt again. I am sending you a great big hug. I was cheated on by my husband so I know your pain. It is not fair. Take care Carol Link to post Share on other sites
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