Boyfriend punched ex girlfriend

[Jani]

I recently found out that my boyfriend punched his ex-girlfriend in the stomach, I'm not sure of the circumstances and have written back to here to find out.

I initally wrote to her to find out if she had broken up with him due to his sometimes domineering ways - he has an underlying temper and yells if provoked, and sometimes uses sentences like 'you always do this or that' if we start argueing bringing stuff back on me - not really accepting responsiblity or trying to work things through - acts like I'm accusing him every time when I'm just trying to make life easier and talk. Apart from when we have to adress issues it is a fairly good relationship. Now after hearing that he punched his ex I want to leave him but dont know who to talk to - I cant tell him i was talking to his ex. and if I tell my mum she will definately look down on him or not believe me. Can anyone help? Do I have reason to leave even though I've never been physically abused?

[ncguy34]

I do not have any experience with this but feel that if he can cross that line with an ex than he can do it with you. Every guy knows from a young age not to hit girls. He knows better. If he did it he will do it.

 

You need to bail now!!!!!!!!!!!

[midori]

If you think your boyfriend is domineering, etc., then you should absolutely break up with him. You didn't need to write to the ex to find out if he was the same way with her. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, and should be dealt with accordingly -- by ending the relationship. There's no need to establish a pattern of behavior first. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone but yourself.

 

To be honest I don't think you should make your decision based on what the ex has told you. You don't know her and you don't know what her agenda is -- to break the two of you up, to get revenge on him. You can't know that she's telling the truth. What if she'd told you he was great with her? Would that change the way you feel with him now?

 

Break up with him because you don't feel comfortable with him. That's all the reason you need.

[The Lost]

I think you should wait before jumping the gun.

 

The thing about violence is....it's a cycle. If a man abuses

women, he learned how to abuse somewhere when he was young. From a parent figure of some kind. Maybe your boyfriend was abused too. In this case, he should get help. Join a self control class or something. Also, i think that sometimes even good people do bad things. Like a person can have a lot to deal with (problems, crises, insecurities) and keep it bottled in but someone's words or actions can be the tip of the iceberg. That's all that separates normal men and women from the killers we see

on television.

 

In the right, or shall we say the wrong circumstances, a man or woman may say or do things they dont mean. My mom once slapped me very hard, sending me across the room. We were both shocked by her actions. She was looking at her hands and at me, not knowing what she had done or why. The same thing has happened with my daddy.

They are both decent normal people. Loving, tax-paying and supportive citizens. Try to understand your boyfriend. Don't judge too quickly. A lot of men and women need to control their temper.

 

Take my friend Victoria for example. A quiet normal girl.

she kept getting teased by a bunch of girls all the time.

one day, she attacked them. She messed up the face of one of them....extreme facial surgery was needed after.

I tried to stop her, she threw me off. I weigh 150 pounds. she barely weigh 90 pounds. yet in anger she was strong.

 

Sometimes, good MEN AND WOMEN DO HORRIBLE THINGS. IT IS NOT ALWAYS THEIR FAULT.

 

They may not mean what they do.

 

be understanding. have a talk with your boyfriend.

try to hear his side of the story. If he is really violent,

recommend him to see someone about it. People can he helped, you know. we are all human. All humans make mistakes.

 

peace.

 

- The Lost.

[midori]

I don't usually take issue with another poster's advice, but I must say that what Lost1 is saying is, at best, dangerously naive.

 

Forgiving a person because they are caught up in circumstances that are somewhat beyond their control is one thing. Putting yourself in harm's way by staying with them is another, and it's a very foolish choice.

 

People who are abusers, whether or not they were abused themselves, will not seek help until they are ready to seek it on their own. They cannot be coaxed or guided. Sticking with an abusive boyfriend serves neither your own interests nor his.

 

It's not about condemning people who are abusive. It's about recognizing that they are damaged to the point where being with them is an unhealthy choice. One must also recognize that such a person will not improve until they decide they are ready to. That decision will not be a function of whether or not someone has martyred themselves in the meantime by sticking around and being physically and/or emotionally abused.

 

People do make mistakes. And they can change -- I firmly believe that's true. But until someone shows clear signs of changing, staying with them, or going back to them, is foolish and delusionally optimistic. This girl's boyfriend sounds like he is already mentally abusive -- demanding that she mold her opinions to match his, not allowing her to voice her preferences, etc. That's not a good dynamic. There is no justification for staying in that situation. If he wants to change in order to win her back, he'll change in obvious and lasting ways. Until then she's much better off on her own than with an abusive boyfriend. That kind of manipulation is not a sign of love or genuine need. It's a sign of a damaged person seeking to minimize their own fear/pain/discomfort by controlling another person.