Three years with the wrong guy, I need motivation to start my life over again....

[molly5252]

I am twenty three when I was nineteen years old I decided to move in with a boyfriend I had for only six months at the time. At the time he said that he wanted to live together and help me afford to go to college by paying all the rent at the apartment we were going to have.

 

So we got a place, things did not work out as planned, he ended up being this crazy partier He worked and partied got us both into financial trouble. I was influenced by his behavior by parting a lot to. Needless to say one year later we split up for awhile.

 

We lived in a big city together. When we split he moved to a much smaller town to stay with his brother. He had a lack of funds, and his parents wanted him to get away from the friends he had.

 

We got back together and I moved to the little town to be with him. Right away things were back into the same old same old. He was partying quitting jobs making little or no money. He even went into rehab for awhile but dropped out one month into the program because the time the rehab program required, was affecting his ability to get a job.

 

So we went on, early this summer I was faced with the same situation with us breaking up, he felt things were not right between us. And he was going out parting every night not coming home.

 

He is now at his parents. Trying again to get his life back together. We still talk.

 

For the most part I feel very confused about everything. I see that a relationship with him only goes in circles and it would be in my best interest to stop having one with him.

 

I believe for the first time in the last three years I have accepted that fact. But what do I do now? I feel lost. I feel like I am not a person. I look back on all the time I wasted trying and trying to make things work. I am very unhappy and unmotivated.

 

I don’t know what to do. How do I move on? Were do I begin? What steps do I take?

 

I have been through so much crap with him. I have been treated terribly for three years. My self worth has gone way down.

 

All the advice and support I can get right now is much appreciated.

[midori]

Look at the three years you spent as time to learn more about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and what you don't want.

 

Bright side number 1: Despite some financial difficulty, no major disasters came out of this weird, wild time. You aren't in jail, there wasn't a horrific auto accident -- things that happen more frequently to people who are out-of-control partiers.

 

Bright side number 2: You are unencumbered. No kids. Thank goodness.

 

So you spent a few years of your youth exploring the seedier side of life. Something in you must have found that to be at least tolerable, if not attractive in and of itself. The story you're telling yourself and us seems to suggest that you were only there because of him. But I couldn't help but notice a pattern in what you described: two of you together, he goes out of control and you follow. He withdraws and gets his act together. Then you show up and things start to unravel again. Hm.

 

At the very least you know that party boys are not what you want. You don't seem to have the strength to resist their wild ways, so you get sucked into the madness and problems ensue. You don't want that. So now you know: stay away from party boys!

 

I'll bet if you think about it you'll find there are other lessons in there for you too. Is it possible that you think you're only a worthwhile person if you're supporting someone else (emotionally, at least?). Did you think you needed to save this guy? Try to figure out what the draw was for you -- because there was something pulling you back.

 

You are an individual, not just half of a unit. You absolutely can make your way in the world. There, I think that's another thing this highlights: maybe you stayed with him because you didn't think you were interesting or worthwhile on your own. You're wrong about that. You need to cultivate your own sense of self.

 

I suggest that you pick up and go somewhere that you can start afresh. Plan a little bit, don't just go to the first place that comes to mind, or where the first 1/2 way decent opportunity would take you. Be selective in making new friends -- befriend people you admire, who have qualities you would like to have. Don't date anyone for a while, not until you've settled in and have established a couple of friendships. Develop yourself. Then party boys and their bags of woe won't be so fascinating.

[molly5252]

After the first time we had broken up I was fine with it and moving on with my life. He would call me all the time, and sometimes he would cal ten or fifth teen times a night saying he loved me and wanted me back. By this time I had grown out of parting all the time. I had told him that and acted on my decision.

 

He wanted us to start a new life in a new town and he was going to be more responsible and change. Things were going well for the first month and then I found out he was stealing lots of money from the job he had and they were going to call the cops on him.

 

That is when he went to rehab. I think the reason he went for serious help at this time, was so that he would not go to jail.

 

For the last year and a half we just argued about his need to go out every night till god knows when. I would give in all the time because it was easier then arguing with him.

 

I quess, I was acting pathetic. I would make sure that there would be money for him to go out on the nights he wanted, before bills were paid or anything else. It sucked because I would always think of him. When I went shopping I would think of things to buy him make things for dinner he liked and he never did that sort of stuff for me.

 

If I disagreed with his behavior I was this big evil person that was holding him back.

 

For some reason I hardly wanted to go out with anyone anymore. I wanted to have a more grown up relationship with him and that was impossible. He really had no intention at all of changing his behaviors, or he did not have the will power to do so.

 

So I spent too much time hoping he would change. I learned not to do that anymore. I now see that all these years maybe I was fooling myself. I just feel kind of lost right now. I was living my life for him, and I was not getting the same from him. So that is why I am having this identity crisis now. Hopefully with time that will get easier.