tojaz Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Why is it, that a person going through this crisis, keeps falling into the same trap over and over again. My marriage is over, I haven't seen her, talked to her in over a month. Yet there are days when it seems like she just left. The wounds reopen and I fall in. I hate what she has become, she is someone now that I never would have been with, yet I can't let go. I keep clinging to that last shred of hope, even though I don't want it. i think she will wake up, change her mind, realize the pain shes caused and come back. Even though I know she won't, it just will not go away. It causes me pain to rerun every conversation, every letter, email, text, every second of the break up. I know this, and I also know that only I can stop it. I've said that probably a hundred times on others threads, but in my own life, it's like I have no control. It will pass, but the thing that dosen't is the fact that I was in it forever, never once doubted my marriage or that she was "The One" now that shes gone, very little has changed. Finding her, I've always thought of as the one thing I actually got right, and right now I feel like I f***ked it all up! Sorry for all the blubbering, just a sh***y couple of days! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
obscure Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 First of all, did you just read my mind? Everything you just wrote... I have been running through the same emotions. I have, however, forced myself to not look at any info or emails pertaining to my soon-to-be ex-wife. I don't know if this will work for you, but it has helped me. Every time that I get the urge to dig up something, look at an old email, or just obsess over my failed relationship, I make myself get up and do something. Yesterday I came home from a long work week and thought I would relax, but hell no -- all of the thoughts and terrible feelings of her leaving were eating my alive. So I got off my duff and got the kids and went for a drive until late. After that, we went and got something to eat and just talked. I have been doing anything, such as mowing the lawn, whenever I get down. I also have to stay away from my pc as much as possible when I am feeling like this or I will get the temptation to start trying to find answers. Another thing that I have found very helpful is hanging out with my friends more. Over the last few years, I have let my wife put up a wall between me, my friends, and my family. I assumed that since I had blown off my friends so long that they would have written me off. I was sure that they never wanted anything to do with me again. Quite the contrary! As soon as they all got wind of what was going on, they all did their best to lift me up by inviting me over or including me their activities. They all responded like true "friends", even though I totally s*** on them. The one thing they kept saying to me was how I had seemed like I was in a trance for the last 5 years and that they were glad to have the real me back. After this, I started seeing just how bad my wife has been for me. It took my friends to point that out before I could see it. Even my kids think I am completely different. I don't know how I can be so sad yet "a better person". Anyway, I got off track there a bit. My point being, get out there and start living again and find some social activities to help get you through. If you don't the addiction comes back. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 okay did you both just read my mind?! thats exactly how it feels, and i thank you both for airing it better than i have been describing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 Oh, believe me, I'm familiar with the process! To tell the truth, I don't really mind being on my own anymore. I still miss her, but it isn't debilitating anymore. Ido just like you say and it helps, just stay busy and around people. The thoughts build up though and eventually it all comes out. I'm just having one of those moments. It's strange how a little thing can send you over the edge. I found a picture I had missed when I packed everything up, and here comes the tidal wave again. This too will pass. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
WTFO Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 okay did you both just read my mind?! thats exactly how it feels, and i thank you both for airing it better than i have been describing it. Holy Shinkees, You all are reading my mind. I guess this is really how it is when the person you love so much tells you its over. It's almost like you hang on to that last thread of hope. Me? My STBX is prego with the OM so I hit bottom. She told me right when we separated that who knows what will happen 2,5,10 yrs from now. She doesn't expect me to wait and I won't. Life is just funny like that you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 Holy Shinkees, You all are reading my mind. I guess this is really how it is when the person you love so much tells you its over. It's almost like you hang on to that last thread of hope. Me? My STBX is prego with the OM so I hit bottom. She told me right when we separated that who knows what will happen 2,5,10 yrs from now. She doesn't expect me to wait and I won't. Life is just funny like that you know? I haate that BS I got the "If you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours forever" No wonder we have a 50% divorce rate with thinking like that. If you love something, hold on tight with both freakin hands! Who else is backslidin? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 I had "I shouldn't say this to you, but I may change my mind in a few months if I miss you enough" and "I'm not as certain in my decision now, I do still love you, but, no, it was the right thing to do" Talk about headf***! Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 i'm backslidin into anger, but it will pass. everyone hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 I had "I shouldn't say this to you, but I may change my mind in a few months if I miss you enough" and "I'm not as certain in my decision now, I do still love you, but, no, it was the right thing to do" Talk about headf***! How about, "I do still Love you, but there are degrees of love and your not quite there anymore" Makes my blood boil! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
obscure Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 ^To all of you above -- Wonderful thread and replies! There is not one single thing written above that I haven't experienced also. I guess our levels of grief and anger are quite normal, as bad as that sounds. The most recent thing that hurt me this morning is seeing a Facebook post from my wife (who I have now blocked), that stated how great things are going for her in her new job and she is having a great time doing online shopping and spending her new paycheck. All the while, I am sitting here struggling to buy school clothes and supplies, not to mention bills and groceries. It really cut deeper than usual. I don't understand that level of selfishness. Yeah, I am whining about it because I think it is sorry as all hell. Meh, regardless, the kids and I went school clothes shopping yesterday and then went out for dinner and a movie. We had such a wonderful time that it is offsetting the bad feelings their mother has created. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 ^To all of you above -- Wonderful thread and replies! There is not one single thing written above that I haven't experienced also. I guess our levels of grief and anger are quite normal, as bad as that sounds. The most recent thing that hurt me this morning is seeing a Facebook post from my wife (who I have now blocked), that stated how great things are going for her in her new job and she is having a great time doing online shopping and spending her new paycheck. All the while, I am sitting here struggling to buy school clothes and supplies, not to mention bills and groceries. It really cut deeper than usual. I don't understand that level of selfishness. Yeah, I am whining about it because I think it is sorry as all hell. Meh, regardless, the kids and I went school clothes shopping yesterday and then went out for dinner and a movie. We had such a wonderful time that it is offsetting the bad feelings their mother has created. I think the stories are the same, just the details change. I got a speech about how much better she felt about signing the papers when she filed! Like I'm going to just forget we where ever together and support her like some single friend instead of a jilted husband. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I think the stories are the same, just the details change. I got a speech about how much better she felt about signing the papers when she filed! Like I'm going to just forget we where ever together and support her like some single friend instead of a jilted husband. TOJAZ Tojaz and Obsure so true! How about "I do still love you, but to a lesser extent, maybe 25%" seriously, WTF!! How about "since being single I feel liberated" well bully for you pal, you put me on the street, with no job, but hey, as long as you feel free! I mean really, what is WRONG with these people?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Tojaz and Obsure so true! How about "I do still love you, but to a lesser extent, maybe 25%" seriously, WTF!! How about "since being single I feel liberated" well bully for you pal, you put me on the street, with no job, but hey, as long as you feel free! I mean really, what is WRONG with these people?! I don't believe he gave an actual percentage, what a A** Hole! They always tell you how great they feel and how much fun theyre having. Yeah, I'm having a ball losing 50 lbs, and developing an ulcer, but at least you feel liberated. :mad::mad::mad: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Sure, we all backslide on occasion, it's not surprising nor should it be unexpected. The failure is not in backsliding, it's refusing to move ahead when you realize you have backslid. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I don't believe he gave an actual percentage, what a A** Hole! They always tell you how great they feel and how much fun theyre having. Yeah, I'm having a ball losing 50 lbs, and developing an ulcer, but at least you feel liberated. :mad::mad::mad: TOJAZ I swear he did , he actually said 25 %! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Sure, we all backslide on occasion, it's not surprising nor should it be unexpected. The failure is not in backsliding, it's refusing to move ahead when you realize you have backslid. True enough Thadd, I realize that this has turned into a Rant thread, but I think were all moving forward, allthough at our own pace. I swear he did , he actually said 25 %! Well, at least he did the math LOL, unbelievable!! What an insult! Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Hell, I even found an ex-girlfriend who I'm spending some time with and I'm backsliding. I cried yesterday, i cried today. It just builds up -- I can't understand what happened, and it just builds. I let it out now...walk away, find a spot, and in about 20 seconds it's done. But the backslide isn't done, just the crushing weight on my chest. I'm so sorry everyone. I'm so sorry we have to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 I think I'd still rather have this done to me then have to live with knowing I did it to someone else. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I think I'd still rather have this done to me then have to live with knowing I did it to someone else. TOJAZ They don't care though, they really don't. I have not heard or seen any remorse from my ex (apart from one occasion on the phone one day, when he sounded a bit choked at something i said) and neither have our mutal friends. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I'm so sorry everyone. I'm so sorry we have to go through this. Lupa, that's true empathy and I think you always had it! It was just another of her BS excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Marley said 'Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!'. We all know that it is all about power relations skewed in favour of the 'doer', I deliberately don't use the term dumper, because you have to be rubbish to be dumped! Can any of you not conceive of a future where you stop reliving the horrors of a bad nightmare of a relationship? For most it was a nightmare. Why would you even accord a fragment of a grey cell to wonder what he she may be thinking / feeling and why? Is s/he paying rent to live in your imagination? You can reconceptualise the situation in such a way that any thought of the piece of excrement becomes nauseating. It works in hypnosis! Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 They don't care though, they really don't. I have not heard or seen any remorse from my ex (apart from one occasion on the phone one day, when he sounded a bit choked at something i said) and neither have our mutal friends. Strangely enough, none of our mutual friends talk to my wife anymore...not one. and thank you for the compliment...this whole thing just blows my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Strangely enough, none of our mutual friends talk to my wife anymore...not one. and thank you for the compliment...this whole thing just blows my mind. Funily enough mine haven't seen or heard from him since the day she told him what she thought about the way he treated me! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Marley said 'Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!'. We all know that it is all about power relations skewed in favour of the 'doer', I deliberately don't use the term dumper, because you have to be rubbish to be dumped! Can any of you not conceive of a future where you stop reliving the horrors of a bad nightmare of a relationship? For most it was a nightmare. Why would you even accord a fragment of a grey cell to wonder what he she may be thinking / feeling and why? Is s/he paying rent to live in your imagination? You can reconceptualise the situation in such a way that any thought of the piece of excrement becomes nauseating. It works in hypnosis! Nomad1 Please explain how to achieve this?! I think about him and why he did this because I struggle with it being b/c of something I did, perhaps that is due to low self esteem (something I am working on in counselling). If you really know how I can stop wondering why he did this, what he was/is thinking, please share the process, b/c I am going insane! Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Hi Lisa. In his mind, you are disposable. You would have probably shown him how distraught you were when you split up. The more you pursued him, the more disposable you appeared in his eyes. On the other hand, the more he rejected you, the more you felt the urge to pursue him. A self-perpetuating cycle of stimulus, response. To deal with this, you remove the stimulus through NC or, in cases where you have to have contact because of children, you adjust your response in such a way that you become desensitized to the stimulus. It requires work on your part. This man has stolen 18 years of your life. He showed you nothing but disrespect. How can you still love him when he treated you the way he did. Do you believe that you are incapable of loving another man, perhaps even more than you loved him? Use the power of your mind. It is like resisting the temptation to smoke. What you have right now is an addiction to a man. You must go cold turkey. That is the only way. Forgive the metaphor, but the best way to get over him is to get under another one :-) (Sorry!) Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
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