BentButNotBroken Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Man great thread. I do not know how many times I'll be doing something and a single tear (full and heavy) streams down one of my cheeks. She just will not ever know what she damaged until it happens to her. That sucks and it is unfair. I hate her guts but I also love her. Ah the beauty of the real world. Done talking to her so she better have a GOOD dang reason if she has to contact me. It's kind of a load off now not talking to her. Now i can just shed pain instead of suppress it in order to see or talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Man great thread. I do not know how many times I'll be doing something and a single tear (full and heavy) streams down one of my cheeks. She just will not ever know what she damaged until it happens to her. That sucks and it is unfair. I hate her guts but I also love her. Ah the beauty of the real world. Done talking to her so she better have a GOOD dang reason if she has to contact me. It's kind of a load off now not talking to her. Now i can just shed pain instead of suppress it in order to see or talk to her. Like I've been saying for months, your dealing with two totally differernt people. What torture to give your heart to one person yet totally despise the other.....and have them sharing the same body. TORTURE:o:o:o TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
BentButNotBroken Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Like I've been saying for months, your dealing with two totally differernt people. What torture to give your heart to one person yet totally despise the other.....and have them sharing the same body. TORTURE:o:o:o TOJAZ yes..yes. Agreed. I applaud the people who can befriend someone who does this to them at one point or another. That takes much self integrity and astonishing strength. I do not tick that way and one of the motivations that gets me through NC is that she is going to lose someone who unconditionally loves her. Whether she really understands that or not...I do. It's tragic. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 There was an expression during the American Civil War ~ or as we down South like to call it ~ "The War Between The States" ~ that went. "Once you've been over the mountain? And saw the elephant you will never be the same!" What it referred to was that once you've been in combat ~ you will never be the same! Ditto with divorce! Once you've gone through it? You are forevermore "changed" Mentally, emotionally, spiritually,............................... And forevermore will never be the same! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Like I've been saying for months, your dealing with two totally different people. What torture to give your heart to one person yet totally despise the other.....and have them sharing the same body. TORTURE:o:o:o TOJAZ When one marries? Your marrying three different people! The one you think your marrying! The one your actually marrying! And the one that comes about as a result of marrying you! The fourth potential person your marrying? Is the one that comes about as result of having married YOU! As in? I can't even begin to believe that's the same person I've been married to all these years! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 When one marries? And the one that comes about as a result of marrying you! The fourth potential person your marrying? Is the one that comes about as result of having married YOU! As in? I can't even begin to believe that's the same person I've been married to all these years! Don't say that Gunny, if I created this and destroyed what I fell in love with in the first place, then I have a date with a .45 to get to!!! :eek: I know what your saying, but thats how it reads to those of us still on the slippery slope! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 it feels really good to know that the excuses are not just at me...I am basically NC with J and yet we talked last night for 20min and he started to say "well I was willing to reconcile until..." I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to want, I am not allowed to...and yeah I thought yesterday I hit an epiphany and was past the whole he doesn't want me...then bam today is our anniversary and I am at the bottom of the hole again... Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Hi Lisa. In his mind, you are disposable. You would have probably shown him how distraught you were when you split up. The more you pursued him, the more disposable you appeared in his eyes. On the other hand, the more he rejected you, the more you felt the urge to pursue him. A self-perpetuating cycle of stimulus, response. To deal with this, you remove the stimulus through NC or, in cases where you have to have contact because of children, you adjust your response in such a way that you become desensitized to the stimulus. It requires work on your part. This man has stolen 18 years of your life. He showed you nothing but disrespect. How can you still love him when he treated you the way he did. Do you believe that you are incapable of loving another man, perhaps even more than you loved him? Use the power of your mind. It is like resisting the temptation to smoke. What you have right now is an addiction to a man. You must go cold turkey. That is the only way. Forgive the metaphor, but the best way to get over him is to get under another one :-) (Sorry!) Nomad1 Hi, yes I did the whole doormat thing, of course, most of us do! I am complete NC and have been for over 8 weeks. I know he treated me like c**p that's why I don't want to love him anymore, yet I can't stop. Why is that? How do I use the power of my mind, if it really is like quitting smoking, I got trouble as I can't quit smoking, tried many times! LOL. Argghhhh, how do I stop? I don't get the metaphor, I know it's a metaphor so you are not suggesting I go out and get laid. I tell myself repeatedly how he traeted me like s**t and took the best years of my life, so what else can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I just re-read your post Nomad. Cold turkey, ok so everytime I think of him in a loving way, I tell myself no I don't want you, you treated me like c**p? Just like with cigs, no I don't need you, you aren't good for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 it feels really good to know that the excuses are not just at me...I am basically NC with J and yet we talked last night for 20min and he started to say "well I was willing to reconcile until..." I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to want, I am not allowed to...and yeah I thought yesterday I hit an epiphany and was past the whole he doesn't want me...then bam today is our anniversary and I am at the bottom of the hole again... Ladybug, This cycle goes on for quite awhile. You tell yourself you don't want what he is, but at times you will forget and long for what he was. I know what it is to not be allowed to have feelings, just as you wrote. Just let the emotions come, let the backslides happen, theres no stopping them anyways. The more you fight the worse they'll be. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Hey Lisa, The issue does not stem from the breakup of the relationship with him. The reason why you feel the way you do is probably to do with your personality. What kind of attachment did you have as a child? As someone who studied psychology you will probably be familiar with John Bowlby's research on attachment to the care giver in the early years. I know that his perspective views the psyche as a closed system and locates pathologies in the individual, but we are the product of our environment. You know you can give up smoking if you want to. It is just a case of interrupting the cycle. Lisa you are really better off without this man. You are already looking forward with your plans to study law. That will be a great achivement and I am sure you will do really well. At 30 something, you are in your prime, lots of mileage left in you yet....a brilliant career, undoubtedly a new family...look forward Lisa, the future is bright. The more you detach from the past the closer you will be to a bright future. One day, when you think of the past, the oly reaction will be a smile at the ironie of it all...at how you were so blinded that you could not see the brighter future ahead of you. Here is a link to a video on Neitzche on hardship. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pilLBcdSMI&feature=related Please watch it and let me know what you think. Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Lisa, I forgot to say, watch 2 and 3 that are listed in youtube. Cheers Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks Nomad, I watched the videos and I agree with much of it. The philosophy to know happiness one must have expereinced pain, although true, i did know happiness with my ex, I was not one of those people who took my life, my love, his love, our relationship for granted. Not in the least, I am one of those people who cherished every part of the relationship and my life with him, I have had hardship in my life before him and whilst with him and you are correct that is why I appreciated him and the life I had. I hope you are right and that one day I will look back and feel the way this way about this pain, it is incrdiably hard to see right now. Thank you for taking the time to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Just found an Email from the Ex in my inbox. Haven't read it yet, don't want to ruin my day so early, but figured I'd ressurect the Backslide thread in preperation. LOL Rollercoaster rolls on?? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 OOOOOOOOOH Tojaz, I want to know what it's about!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well???? What was it? Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 well? any update? Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Tojaz, you're killing me here...what was the email? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 He's at work! We will have to wait and see, so hope it's not bad Toj! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sorry to disappoint, but I don't think i can open it! I found out that my friend Kel has been forwarding our private E-mails to the ex. This is just the ex's response. As some of you know, last Saturday would have been my wedding anniversary and the ex's B-day. I hadn't posted much on LS about it, but it hit me a lot harder then i expected. I had written Kel about it, and my current health problems, for whatever reason she forwarded that to the ex. I honestly can't handle the abuse that I'm sure is in that E-mail right now, so I'm just going to let it sit. I've heard her defend her actions enough, every one here knows my story, she won't find any sympathy from me. When I'm ready to open it, i won't just tell you guys, I'll post the MFer so you all can read it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Even not opening it is Kicking my a$$! Just spent an hour reading posts, and i 've got nothing. I didn't even read it and shes messing with my head! F****ng BACKSLIDES!! F*****NG EX!! F****NG LIFE!! F****NG LOVE!! :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: I need a break! Sorry LS! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
KellyP Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Has anybody heard from Tojaz since he posted this?? I received a very scary Email from him last night and now can't get in touch with him? Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 hi kelly... i guess i can't PM you yet, u R not an established member yet.. .so i hope LS does not get mad at me for posting this: yep talked to him last night and this morning...he didn't mention?????? i just texted him....will keep in touch:o hmmm? Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 t, i don't have any other way to contact you except through here. if you need anything at all, please PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Ugh, talk about a backslide! I just found a picture of my husband (soon to be ex husband) and I at a wedding last summer! I look at it and all I can see is two people who are incredibly happy and in love with eachother...obviously he can look at it and see something entirely different! I posted it under my name here...why, I don't know...just as a reminder of the happy times and to show you all that my husband wasn't always the biggest ********* on the face of this earth! He did love me and care for me more than words could describe at one point in time! Tojaz, where are you? Are you ok? I'm a little concerned that you haven't been on LS for a day or two. Link to post Share on other sites
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