yummyyummy Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Just a little background first. Husband and I have been married for 4yrs, just recently had first child (3weeks old) He is friends with his coworkers (almost all female), one in particular he said he is closest to. I saw that he has looked at her facebook page frequently in the past month--I don't know why. I asked him about it and his answer was, "it was just a habit, I don't know why" and "We're just friends, I was just looking at it, no real reason". I asked him if he finds her attractive and that's why he was looking and he said no. Then he continued to say, no he doesn't find her attractive, she's a smoker which he doesn't like, she's just a friend. He also said he just is looking out for her (since she was cheated on and now divorced) They sometimes (not frequently) text/email. Since taking time off from work to be home with the baby, she texted him once asking how the baby is, and then asking him if he's interested in taking a class for work (which I knew he was) and after he responded she wrote, ok lets do it. So obviously they would take the class together. I feel anxious about this situation already, then to have just had a baby, and I read this link (15 steps to adultery) that someone on here posted http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/adultery.html And now I feel like I can't function... even though nothing happened and he now says he will back off the friendship because it makes me uncomfortable, the thought that it COULD have led to an EA makes me sick I either need to get over it or I can't stay married....either option right now just seems so hard :(:( Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 It sounds like you're overreacting. He had some communication over text messaging with a female co-worker, and looked at her Facebook page. You have every right for that to upset you, and you did the right thing bringing it up to him that it makes you uncomfortable. He also did the right thing and said that he would end communication with her because it makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like he really knows what his priorities are. Barring any new developments, it sounds like you've got a really great husband. I think you need to get over it. He didn't cheat on you. Now, if you find out he has been talking about her after he said he would stop, then that's another issue entirely. Then these feelings you're having might be warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yummyyummy Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 I should also add... When I first asked about their friendship, like what they talk about at work etc, he said defensively, "She always asks about you and how you're doing" and "She asks how you're feeling" (this is when I was pregnant still) and the female and I are in a bookclub together I'm not really concerned too much about her, but more how husband acted Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 This sounds like another post I responded to, but I can't remember that poster's name. Anyways, from my experience and from what I've seen on these boards, anytime someone says "they are just a friend", it's a yellow or red flag. Forget about what your husband says or how you think you should feel about this. What does your gut tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yummyyummy Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 yeah, that other post was me...I'm still having a hard time getting past this Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Did he end the friendship? What kind of a relationship does he have with her now? Do you sense he's omitting things or does it feel like he's completely honest with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yummyyummy Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 Your husband has a thing for her and she likes it and she enjoys the attention. When teh timing is right and they are in the right place, they will do it. He might be obsessed with her since he is checking her facebook early in the morning when he wakes up (only good explaination is if he checks more than 6 other people's facebook too). If he offers to back up the friendship, you take it and also ask for no contact. Is he going to lose his job if he doesn't take this class with her? If so, ask him to not to take this class with her. (you need to be honest about how you feel, including how you're thinking about divorce because of his involvement with her). I can almost be sure that they will go underground and do it behind your back. What's really a red flag is this...."He also said he just is looking out for her." Guys don't usually look out for other females without getting his feelings involved and maybe lead to more unless it's a blood relative. Isn't what you posted overreacting? The only part I may agree with you is, your last statement about looking out for her. This may or may not be true...my husband isn't a typical "Guy's guy" so I'm not sure what to make of this... He said if any of his friends were hurt, cheated on & divorced, he'd feel badly for his/her situation... But looking out for her....still am not sure if you'd do that for just a friend or want something more... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yummyyummy Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 Can you admit that you're conflicted? Now, can you admit the possibility that you're in denial? What does your gut feeling tell you? Didn't you mention that he looked at her facebook at 6 am in the morning before leaving for work, her profile and no one else's? Think about this, do you or would you look at any man's profile on a regular basis and at 6 am in the early morning not long after you woke up, if you're not attracted/interested/having a thing for him? The severity of the situation, aka you mentioning about getting out of the marriage because of this, is all from you, not from my "overreacting." You need to let him know that before he sleeps with her or before you explode and surprise him with wanting (as oppose to thinking) to get out of the marriage. I meant overreacting as in, what you stated sounded like he cheated on me, which I don't think happened...it sounds like a friendship that is too close for comfort in my opinion. His answer to the facebook thing was, he just checked her page out of habit when going to facebook. He's up early anyways taking care of the dogs. I keep asking if he's attracted to her and he says no, it was just out of habit to look there. I really don't even get it because not much changed on her page, and in my opinion, I'd be surprised if he found her attractive---but because he likes her personality, it could sway someone's opinion, right? I told him this makes me uncomfortable. He said he is going to back off the friendship, communicate less with her. What do I do now? Just let that happen and get over it? Question him once in awhile about if they've talked/emailed and trust he is honest with me? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 if it's making you uncomfortable there must be a reason. is he willing to go no contact with her? this would include no friendship, no class, no facebook, no texting... he said he's willing to do some things but is he willing to stop all together? if he does stop - you may need to start paying extra attention to the fact that they may just start hiding it better. ask him if he would be totally comfortable if the roles were reversed... Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Forget about the words "affair" and "cheating". If the friendship is hurting your marriage, it's harming your marriage. It doesn't matter if they are having sex or not. If he is feeding into the friendship at the cost of his marriage to you, your marriage is going to suffer. I think you may be in denial. You say things that make others wonder if he's in an affair, then when they bring that up, you defend your husband. What is the answer you are looking here? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 I should also add... When I first asked about their friendship, like what they talk about at work etc, he said defensively, "She always asks about you and how you're doing" and "She asks how you're feeling" (this is when I was pregnant still) and the female and I are in a bookclub together I'm not really concerned too much about her, but more how husband acted I would look at this as an indication of the woman in question having ulterior motives. If you are in a regular contact with her at a social group (bookclub) and she was really concerned or interested in how you were doing - she'd just ask YOU. Instead, she pretends to be concerned so she can impress your husband with her compassion. Nothing you've shared about your husband implies anything inappropriate on the surface; you know him better than us. Does he seem "off" to you? If you fuss too much about her though, he might start hiding things that don't need to be hidden simply to avoid setting you off. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Just a little background first. Husband and I have been married for 4yrs, just recently had first child (3weeks old) He is friends with his coworkers (almost all female), one in particular he said he is closest to. I saw that he has looked at her facebook page frequently in the past month--I don't know why. I asked him about it and his answer was, "it was just a habit, I don't know why" and "We're just friends, I was just looking at it, no real reason". I asked him if he finds her attractive and that's why he was looking and he said no. Then he continued to say, no he doesn't find her attractive, she's a smoker which he doesn't like, she's just a friend. He also said he just is looking out for her (since she was cheated on and now divorced) They sometimes (not frequently) text/email. Since taking time off from work to be home with the baby, she texted him once asking how the baby is, and then asking him if he's interested in taking a class for work (which I knew he was) and after he responded she wrote, ok lets do it. So obviously they would take the class together. I feel anxious about this situation already, then to have just had a baby, and I read this link (15 steps to adultery) that someone on here posted http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/adultery.html And now I feel like I can't function... even though nothing happened and he now says he will back off the friendship because it makes me uncomfortable, the thought that it COULD have led to an EA makes me sick I either need to get over it or I can't stay married....either option right now just seems so hard :(:( I think he's acting inappropriately. That doesn't mean he's cheating. That doesn't mean you should leave him. But it is definately inappropriate. People often think of infidelity in terms of physical cheating. However, think of how much of yourself you share with your partner, and how much of your self you share with everyone else. You may even find you open up to your friends more so than you do your own partner. That can sometimes mean women opening up to male friends and vice versa. There becomes a danger zone there. We start giving an intimate part of ourselves to someone other than our partner. By the time it comes to giving that part of us to our partner; we have already given it along the way to someone else, and no longer feel the need to share so much with our partners. Let that become a routine long enough and wether it's with opposite sex, or same sex friends; it's created a tear in the intimacy between the two of you. The other danger is, let's say there are problems in the marriage (just temporary stuff, I don't even mean BIG problems) suddenly we lean on a "friend" of the opposite sex, and before you know it? We're suddenly siding with that friend AGAINST our partner "Yes, I still can't believe he won't help out more around the house! See, I wish he could see my point more easily..like YOU". It's a danger zone. It's fine to know people of the opposite sex; but to spend alone time with them? INCLUDING texting/phone time..I don't see how that it is at all appropriate in a serious relationship or marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I think people are getting way ahead of themselves here and definitely jumping to conclusions. Speaking for personal experience, I have a close, male, coworker friend. I also have a fiance I am devoted to and so very much in love with. My fiance knows about my coworker friend and it has not been an issue. I hang out with the guy outside of work about once a month, sometimes with other friends sometimes alone. I have absolutely no attraction/romantic feelings for him and he does not for me. I think that it's sometimes easy to click with coworkers, and not necessarily a bad thing. If your husband is loving and there are no other issues in the marriage I would let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I think he's acting inappropriately. That doesn't mean he's cheating. That doesn't mean you should leave him. But it is definately inappropriate. People often think of infidelity in terms of physical cheating. However, think of how much of yourself you share with your partner, and how much of your self you share with everyone else. You may even find you open up to your friends more so than you do your own partner. That can sometimes mean women opening up to male friends and vice versa. There becomes a danger zone there. We start giving an intimate part of ourselves to someone other than our partner. By the time it comes to giving that part of us to our partner; we have already given it along the way to someone else, and no longer feel the need to share so much with our partners. Let that become a routine long enough and wether it's with opposite sex, or same sex friends; it's created a tear in the intimacy between the two of you. The other danger is, let's say there are problems in the marriage (just temporary stuff, I don't even mean BIG problems) suddenly we lean on a "friend" of the opposite sex, and before you know it? We're suddenly siding with that friend AGAINST our partner "Yes, I still can't believe he won't help out more around the house! See, I wish he could see my point more easily..like YOU". It's a danger zone. It's fine to know people of the opposite sex; but to spend alone time with them? INCLUDING texting/phone time..I don't see how that it is at all appropriate in a serious relationship or marriage. Great post, I definitely see your point of view. I just know that it CAN be innocent. I think that it's important to connect with peers that aren't our SOs. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Great post, I definitely see your point of view. I just know that it CAN be innocent. I think that it's important to connect with peers that aren't our SOs. Of course it can be innocent, that's how it starts out. And let me say- it doesn't ALWAYS go to something bad; no. It can start innocent and stay that way; but many people (you will even read a lot about it on these boards) they have guilt or talk about how the affair they are/were in "came out of nowhere, it wasn't their intention". Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You don't need to set out to have an affair, emotionally or physically, to fall into one. That's why, you need to safeguard yourself against the breeding grounds for it. Oh, I also think it's important and necessary to connect; but we shouldn't be connecting with opposite sex peers the way we connect with our partners, and we shouldn't open ourselves up to our same sex friends, but keep ourselves from our partners, either. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Of course it can be innocent, that's how it starts out. And let me say- it doesn't ALWAYS go to something bad; no. It can start innocent and stay that way; but many people (you will even read a lot about it on these boards) they have guilt or talk about how the affair they are/were in "came out of nowhere, it wasn't their intention". Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You don't need to set out to have an affair, emotionally or physically, to fall into one. That's why, you need to safeguard yourself against the breeding grounds for it. I firmly believe that affairs, physical or emotional, don't just happen. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Neither do I, that's why I'm saying; a person has to safeguard themselves. OP, I think it speaks wonderful things though that your husband has said he will back off since you feel uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
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