I thought he was my soulmate, now he has returned to his wife :-(((((((

[ladyRN]

I have read a few of the threads on this forum and have discovered my situation has happened to many a folk on here, I am just really, really wanting some good advice.

 

Basically I got involved with a separated man several weeks ago. We met through a dating site and after meeting for the first time realised we hit it off and wanted to start seeing each other. He had been separated for 10 months from a 12 year marriage with an 11 year old son and a 20 year old step daughter whom he had taken on as his own. They had parted company as he had finally had enough. She had cheated on him several times throughout the marriage and whilst I was seeing him I learned (purely this is all that he is telling me) she was a high flying career woman who was never home, showed little emotion towards him, drank heavily and was untidy.

 

He also said that he felt he had to change whilst with her, that she judged him and that after he had separated felt like he could be himself again. I will add here though that after her infidelities he also cheated on her in revenge but again I suppose I am only getting half the story. She had apparently asked him back several weeks ago but he had decided that something had 'clicked' in his head and he had decided to move on.

 

We became very close very quickly. We shared the same thoughts, the same sense of humour, he was tactile, affectionate, generous, caring, sensual, intelligent and interesting. I could not find fault in this man and could feel myself slowly falling for him. I was getting exactly the same vibe back from him. He told me he had never met someone like me before, that noone had ever made him laugh like I had before. He had told colleagues and friends about his new girlfriend. We had discussed exclusiveity and plans for the near future like going away to London in the next few weeks, hitting a festival next month and going on holiday next month.

 

Only last week when I spent the whole week-end in his company did he tell me 'I think fate has put you in my life for a reason'. Last week-end was the most perfect week-end I had had. Cuddled up together in front of the fire, talking and discussing how weird it was that we had met one another, that we seemed to just click on so many levels. It was only on Sunday that he took me to see the new house he had bought, introduced me to some friends at the pub as his girlfriend and had made plans to come round and see me during the rest of the week.

 

During the week-end he had also had a conversation with his ex wife about coming round to discuss divorce. He had made plans to see her on Sunday and it was just going to be legalities and formalities. He reassured me everything would be ok and kissed me and told me not to worry.

 

However on Sunday my world seemed to fall apart. We parted company on good terms, excited about our next meet and he headed towards the ex wife's to discuss a divorce. I however suddenly felt incredibly nauseous and ill. Breathless and claustrophobic and feeling like me heart was going to explode. I stopped at the local hospital as I was finding it difficult to drive and chected into the emergency dept to get checked out. I really did feel rotten. I was found to be fine and was put down to extreme anxiety. Meanwhile he had seen me head towards the hospital instead of home and phoned to ask if I was stressing out due to him. He even text me to say 'I think you are having a panic attack brought on by the fear of me going back to my wife'. He had already been to see her when he sent this.

 

He called me when I finally got home later that night. My fears were realised. He had gone round to see her and her reaction was apparently nothing like he had expected. She was crying and showing more emotion than he had ever seen in 10 years. She told him she had missed him and that she had changed and although she wanted him to be happy the thought of him with another woman made her ill. He now had doubt in his mind whether he had made the right decision. He still loved her (although apparently not 'in' love with her) and was not sure what to do.

 

By Monday he was still undecisive and his decision to leave was in his words 50/50. I told him that surely he must have a gut feeling and he said he still didn't know. By this time I felt sick to my stomach. I knew in my own head that any doubt he had about ending it could not be ignored and if there was just 1% chance they would work again then he had to explore it. I was left hanging until later that day when he finally phoned to tell me it was over between us. He could not continue things with me if he was going to give his marriage another go. In my almost desperation I wanted to stay 'friends' but he refused, said it wasn't fair to dip his toe in the water with someone else when with his wife. Contact needed to be cut. He also said that even if the marriage didn't work (which he also added was a strong possibility it wouldn't) then he had already stuffed things between me and him because I would always feel like second choice and would never trust him again.

 

I feel in so much pain right now. I know what he has said is right and although some people would say he has done the honourable thing I still feel used and discarded. How could someone declare such feelings for me and then in less than 24 hours realise he wanted his marriage back? I felt like this man was my soulmate, I miss him terribly. I feel so pathetic as we were hardly together for that long. How could I ever compete with a 12 year marriage and children yet how could someone go back to someone that made them so unhappy for so long?

The pain really is unbearable right now and although I am maintaining no contact I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with :'(

[LucreziaBorgia]

I read on another site the very true words about men who leave seemingly horrible wives, only to go back to them - those words were ... "maybe he likes it that way". They call them TOW dippers - boys who run away from 'mean old mommy' and find what seems like a better thing, only to go running back when 'mean old mommy' says so.

 

Here is the article. Interesting stuff. Your post immediately brought it to mind.

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/towdipper.html

[carhill]

That falling on his sword stuff bothers me. I'm wondering if he was really separated.

 

So, tell me, how did you like the ambiance of his new home? Did it seem 'male'?

 

FWIW, I've done the soulmate thing, and for a couple decades. Over-rated. If he was your soulmate and you his, he'd be with you right now. I can tell you with certainty that, once I emotionally detached from my wife, no amount of crying, pouting, threatening or manipulating could swerve me from my goal. I think he's BS'ing you or is emotionally unstable, meaning he handles his emotions poorly. Either way, likely an unhealthy partner for you. Sorry

[OpenBook]

First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how painful it is to fall in love with somebody so hard and fast... and then have it all fall apart.

 

I think maybe you're not seeing this for what it really is, however.

 

This guy is tied into a sick and complicated dynamic with his W. I would wager this isn't the first time he has separated/reunited with her. (If the story is even true... how do you really know, other than what he told you??)

 

I would also bet this isn't the first time he's placed a dating ad, met a woman, spent a few weeks with her, and then (once she starts showing sign that she's falling for him, and starts EXPECTING things from him) told her he had to go back to his M.

 

There is a distinct possibility that he is just using "saving my marriage" as an excuse to back away from you, after the hospital incident. He freaked out after witnessing how "gone" on him you were. Too much pressure for him.

 

When you got sick that day, your gut was trying to tell you something about this guy. On some level, you KNEW.

 

I know this animal too. He is BAD NEWS for all women. I wish we could somehow plant a radar detection device on guys like him, to where it would start beeping whenever we get near him to warn us off!! :mad:

 

Again, I am so sorry you're in pain. You need to be more careful with your heart, girlfriend!!! [[[hugs]]]

[Montclair0011]

LadyRn - If you have seen my posts on other threads you know I had an almost identical situation to yours. It does seem to be an example of a specific phenomena that was described in that article. I well know the horrific pain of which you speak. It's been many months for me and I'm still getting over the sudden demise of what I thought would be a lifelong relationship. I can't seem to shake it.

 

The guy I was with also told me he thought we were soulmates and the only person he had ever felt so strongly about, etc. . I don't think he was lying, but I think there were stronger unconsious commands that he was unable to shake. They get like zombies being called back to the master. I don't think anyone who has not been through this can understand how alarming it is to see the transformation.

 

From my experience and reading other's stories and that article, I think this happens to a very specific type of guy. They are more passive and emotional and probably had at least one abusive parent growing up. In my situation, it was his father who had a horrible temper and beat his mother. His mother put up with everything and felt the family had to be preserved no matter what the consequences. The MM I was involved with had a very high threashold for abuse and knew how to survive in that kind of situation. He could just shut down and continue to operate. He was not so sure of himself in the uncharted waters of a "normal" relationship where he would be a responsible party and not just a victum.

 

The bitch wives turnaround is also something bizare to behold. As soon as they find out the husbands are with someone else, they are just sooooooo in love. They go from disgust and abuse to passive adoration in seconds flat. They claim to break up with their boyfriends and to devote themselves anew to husbands they never had a good word to say about (in my case she would not even be seen in public with him and she bluntly told him that he embarresed her. She also continuly compared him unfavorably to her boyfriend).

 

I saw the emails my boyfriend got from his wife and you would never have believed that she was a super sucessful agressive professional. She was terrified she was about to loose her number 1 servant and meal ticket to another woman (she also had some kind of left-over from childhood dynamic at work--she could never get him to "appreciate her" the way she craved). She was unable to function without him waiting on her hand and foot. Totally dependent. The woman would call him in the middle of the night when she was half way around the world for help with driving directions or minor computer issues. But they can't keep up the nice act for very long. I recently heard from my MM, and he said that as soon as she realized I was gone for good she returned to her previous ill-tempered ways, but he had expected that and it was OK (he claims to be there to protect the child from her wrath).

 

I was still in love with him, but watching him be such a wuss did cause me to loose some respect. I got him to go to a therapist and had he stayed with her I think things might have turned out differently. I do think that is key to being with a guy like this and having it turn out differently.

[Woggle]

Usually these men are so whipped and beaten down that they are afraid of their wives. They have a fear of women in general and they are terrified of their disapproval. I also agree that on some subconcious level they actuially enjoy being treated this way. I have come to believe that many men are masochistic. In the future I would stay away from men who are already involved even if they are married to witches. Make sure a man leaves a woman like this and grows his balls back before you give him a chance.

[whichwayisup]

How could I ever compete with a 12 year marriage and children yet how could someone go back to someone that made them so unhappy for so long?

 

Exactly. How can you compete with their 12 year marriage, their family, kids, life created together.

 

He LIED to you about how bad things were in his marriage..MM lie and exaggerate the situation at home to suit them. Notice how he never did anything wrong and it was always his wife's fault? Why wouldn't he lie to you as well?

 

He's selfish. Let him go, you can do better..

[Montclair0011]

whichWay -

 

I think perhaps you are judging this a bit too simplistically. The wife was having affairs (unless you think the MM was lying about that which is doubtful). That alone would be enough for most men to walk away. The guy probably should be making a better choice than to stay.

 

Also, the MM is not continuing on with the OP. He's letting her go when it would be in his better interest to string her along in case things don't work out.

 

He may not be entirely truthful, but I'm guessing he believes the stuff he is saying.

[whichwayisup]

They had parted company as he had finally had enough. She had cheated on him several times throughtout the marriage and whilst I was seeing him I learned (purely this is all that he is telling me) she was a high flying career woman who was never home, showed little emotion towards him, drank heavily and was untidy. He also said that he felt he had to change whilst with her, that she judged him and that after he had separated felt like he could be himself again. I will add here though that after her infidelities he also cheated on her in revenge but again I suppose I am only getting half the story

 

The original poster said she's only heard his side of it and is aware that some of that may not be true.

 

Many MM exaggerate things.

[ladyRN]

Thank you for your replies I have found this forum invaluable in helping me deal with this. You are all so right. I don't need this emotional wreck in my life I realise that now. And like has been said if he thought as much of me as he said he would be with me now. I also agree that I possibly did freak him out when I got sick but something at the time I really could not control no matter how hard I tried. Either way subconsciously his actions made me sick and it was a self protection mechanism. He never came to see me at the hospital like he said. He had by then made his choice and wallowed in telling me that that was what caused my anxiety. Arrogance. But yes I was always going to be the exciting fill in for what he missed, too much baggage and if he was going to change his mind so quickly for someone who apparently made him so unhappy then it would never really be that secure with me and him. I will never be someone's second choice I know I have made a lucky escape. It still hurts that someone can so casually express such strong feelings. But maybe I just have a lot to learn.

[norajane]

The original poster said she's only heard his side of it and is aware that some of that may not be true.

 

Many MM exaggerate things.

 

Or rewrite history to make things seem worse than they were simply to reconcile with the circumstances they find themselves in.

 

It's like someone getting fired from a job...oh, well, I hated that job and everyone there anyway! When really, if it had been that bad and they really wanted to start fresh - and were ready to make that fresh start - they'd have left on their own steam.

 

My guess is she kicked him out; he didn't leave on his own. And then when she decided she wanted him back, he gratefully returned.

 

At least this was only a few weeks for you. Imagine if he'd carried on with you this way for months or years, and then went back to his wife. You can survive this.

[Spark1111]

whichWay -

 

I think perhaps you are judging this a bit too simplistically. The wife was having affairs (unless you think the MM was lying about that which is doubtful). That alone would be enough for most men to walk away. The guy probably should be making a better choice than to stay.

 

Also, the MM is not continuing on with the OP. He's letting her go when it would be in his better interest to string her along in case things don't work out.

 

He may not be entirely truthful, but I'm guessing he believes the stuff he is saying.

 

Montclair, I so disagree. MY WS told his OW that we were no longer sexual. She speculated that I must have a lover and he began to believe it! This type of delusional thinking is extraordinary, in light of the fact my WS and I were physically intimate at least once a week.

 

MM, in their confusion, lie constantly to maintain the "rush" provided by their AP.

[Adri Ana]

By nature the man indeed seems very indeciosional and weak ,

there is no matter here of the family values he has , he is simply a weakling emotionally boy who has not solid principles in life .

If he had 10 or 11-12 years (several times there is a different amount of years mentioned) of a nonsatisfying family life , how do you think , how much time he will stay with his wife ?

It`s probable - just for some little while as people`s natures do not change so quickly and if he had not been so happy all these years , then probably he wont be happy afterwards as well .

All this proves his weakness actually . And not only that .

The problem is that the author thinks it was her soulmate ,

but was "her soulmate"`s thoughts same ? Did he also think that he met his real soulmate ? If he thought same way , then he would not go back to his 10(11-12) years angry wife , with whom he was so unhappy . Probably he was not detached from her totally .

She had no rights to make him back , He had all rights not to go back .

 

Just move on .

Maybe he appears soon back , as he wont stay at his W`s.

Then tell him to grow up a bit and behave like a man and not a little boy .

 

Grow together if you are real soulmates .

[ladyRN]

It's amazing how many of you on here have experienced the same situation as me, some almost identical. Like I said, I am finding it all very therapeutic to put my feelings down here and get other peoples perspectives. Maybe not what I want to hear at times but what I need. For too long I have looked at this man through rose tinted spectacles and although I have said I could not find fault in this man there is clearly one HUGE one here. He led me on to then go back to his wife at the click of her fingers. Not the basis for a secure relationship with anyone, always second guessing what your supposedly other half is going to do.

I feel a little ashamed of my anxiety attacks, I also had one two days before, again completely out the blue but I managed to brush it off before he arrived at my appartment. I continued all week-end deep down to feel rough and unwell, even when things with him were good. I now seriously believe something subconsciously was telling me to stay away for my own sanity.

This man is still on the dating site where we met. Whether he is active on there still I don't know but as openbook says it may not have been the first time he has placed such an ad (even though he told me he had been on other dates he hadn't wanted to take them any further). He may well have used the excuse of saving his marriage purely to finish things with me and get back into the dating field with someone else. Who knows. Not me.

I forgot to mention that this guy confided in me he was borderline alcoholic. He certainly liked to drink when we were together (ok so definitely not the basis for a great relationship, hiding behind certain issues?) and he could certainly put it away. He also confessed to me that he was a sex addict. He wanted to try new things, swinging, threesomes etc with me as his exclusive partner. Whether he just wanted to excape from a sexless marriage or she couldn't stand his ways I don't know. Maybe she sent him on a mission to find someone who satisfied him for a while and come back when he was done. You never know, these things have been known to happen. Maybe it is all part of the 'mean old mommy' relationship. Any more thoughts?

[Impudent Oyster]

.

Basically I got involved with a separated man several weeks ago. .'(

 

All this angst over someone you met a few weeks ago?

 

Be glad you just met him and he didn't waste too much of your time.

[ladyRN]

He never actually said the words 'soulmate' to me but he would tell me how he had never met someone like me before, how I could really make him laugh, how we had a connection and hadn't felt so happy for a long time. Maybe I assumed too much but when someone two days before they drop you like a hot potato asks you 'do you believe in destiny and fate?' and 'I think fate had put you in my life for a reason' what am I supposed to think? I felt totally on the same wavelength as this man and felt like he felt the same way about me.

[Adri Ana]

ladyRN,

 

your last post already suggests you looked through many things .

 

So ,

from now your head works right .

 

And what about emotional disorders ,

just travel a bit and get to know other soulmates ,

maybe you find a Real One , True For You ,

and not an alcoholic sex addict .

 

Best of luck ,

I have no doubt you will survive better than your "soulmate" .

Coz you are wise .

[grogster]

Separated Men (SM) are almost always at risk of returning to their families(notice I said "families" not wives). SM inhabit a twilight world where they're neither legally nor emotionally truly single. Very few separations are complete, final, absolute and total. SM may cease to function as husbands but they're still fathers. That pull is enduring.

 

As one who has been separated for going on 5 years, I'm still of my family. I return there over holidays, participate in family affairs, etc. I no longer sleep with my wife, but we still function as parents--joint parents, disjoint spouses.

 

Will I ever return to my wife as a husband? Extremely unlikely. If, for some reason, she became seriously ill or incapacitated would I do everything in my power to take care of her? In a heart beat.

 

Some vows you keep.

[Adri Ana]

Separated Men (SM) are almost always at risk of returning to their families(notice I said "families" not wives). SM inhabit a twilight world where they're neither legally nor emotionally truly single. Very few separations are complete, final, absolute and total. SM may cease to function as husbands but they're still fathers. That pull is enduring.

 

As one who has been separated for going on 5 years, I'm still of my family. I return there over holidays, participate in family affairs, etc. I no longer sleep with my wife, but we still function as parents--joint parents, disjoint spouses.

 

Will I ever return to my wife as a husband? Extremely unlikely. If, for some reason, she became seriously ill or incapacitated would I do everything in my power to take care of her? In a heart beat.

 

Some vows you keep.

 

 

Totally agreeing , parental vows are extremely strong ,

and because of children many families keep going , reconciling or not - it is their business, but living together and making common duties fulfilled as the responsibility for kids is enormous .

I am talking of normal people .

[ladyRN]

I realise this. Like I said before how could I ever compete with what he would stand to lose. He adores both his children and missed the family unit. The dynamics of the relationship between him and his wife i will never know the truth about and don't care to. I would never have tried to stand in the way of his decision or swing his judgement, it's his decision alone to make and I wouldn't indignify myself. He told me before he still loved his wife but was not in love with her and that he was through with being with her. It is just that as selfish as I may sound, I have been left with the feelings of being used and discarded, my feelings and emotions been hung out to dry. I don't feel like I deserved to be treated in this way. I am a good, decent loving person who obviously offered him some sort of escape for a short time. Naive on my part maybe but it was his reassurance that he wouldn't go back to her that deceived me as several hours later he clearly had every intention, even if on the surface he appeared to be indecisive.

Wanting to get back his family I understand. It's my feelings he abused along the way and the apparent BS he fed me about the marriage that upsets me.

[Adri Ana]

Do not get upset .

He seems to be a weak person or just in love still with his wife .

 

Yes,the vows with kids are strong . Always . For both men and women .

But how many couples are there who just got divorced and are seeing their kids on the regular basis making their own private lives themselves ?

There are very many such .

 

So there are always two sides of the coin .

 

If he was ready to leave them , still no one has any right to make him leave his kids, he would have been seeing them every day if he wanted to ,

then why he changed his opinion after talkingto his wife ?

 

This is suspicious .

 

 

And if he was not ready to leave his wife , then what for to talk toyou about a marriage ? and all BS like this ?

 

Here we see an indecisive person who lies without any problem .

 

 

Only you can feel the truth . As to know it its harder .

[dn121]

(((Hugs))) lady....I have been where you are and I know the pain. I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better, but all I can say is I understand.

[torranceshipman]

It is amazing how many people are speculating about how this crazy career woman had a bad affect on this MM. I would bet money on the fact that a) he's still married and b) the W is really quite nice. This guy sounds absolutely horrible, I mean, a sex addicted borderline alcoholic (is there even such a thing?-I'm guessing you can probably remove the word 'borderline; from that) - and speculates about having 3somes with you when you've only known each other a few weeks. PLUS as you've said - he was obviously hurting you a great deal to have managed to drive you so crazy you ended up in hospital (where he didn't visit you!!) after a few weeks of knowing him!

 

I'm guessing you've worked out by now that he is not your soulmate whatsoever, but a major manipulator who didn't mind laying on the charm with a trowel to have a fantasy time with you. Then...he ends it and can't even be honest about why. I am really quite sure that if you check the dating site he is probably now active. You deserve a guy who is SO much better than this...sorry this happened to you, it happens to everyone at some point, but I say try to move on and don't feel like you have anything to feel bad for because you absolutely haven't.

 

Ohhhh, one more thing. I bet he'll get back in touch and start sniffing around after some period of time - make sure you tell him where to go when that happens!

[ladyRN]

Torrance, yes I think I realise now how foolish I possibly was but I always think there is something good that comes out of something bad. Although I wish no harm to him I believe what goes around comes around. I hope he is happy but I'm sure with his quick change of emotions and the amount of turmoil he seems to create he will continue to have a lot of issues.

Earlier in the week I missed him terribly, could really feel the emotional pain he had caused me. But as time has gone by I have taken stock and realised I have made a very lucky escape. Firstly this man could have lied to me about absolutely everything, after all I knew him for very little time and it was only ever his side of the story. For all I know as you say his wife could have been absolutely lovely and everything he said about her was indeed a reflection of himself. And yes I believe how ill I became last week-end was a very intuitive sign to stay away. He said he would come find me at Accident and Emergency but quel surprise he didn't show. Instead he pointed out what he thought knowing full well my fears of him going back to her were well qualified. No this man played with my emotions quite freely and did not give a damn. He told me that he could feel himself falling for me and that he had never met anyone else like me but 1) he could have said that to many others and 2) it was probably what he thought I wanted to hear. No doubt he has left her before and gone running back weeks or months later. He said that even if the marriage didn't work out he had stuffed things up with me now as I would always feel like second best. Well at least he has saved me from that trauma, his behaviour actually repulses me now. A much better place to be than where I was last week.

[tami-chan]

Hi LadyRN! Be strong! Truly you are better off without this man.....btw, just in case nobody has thanked you yet for the great jobs you nurses do, I want to take this time to say that to you.....THANK YOU!!!!