Stress

[oysterman]

I'm male, 52. She's 39. We're married but not to each other. Co-workers, but friendship has developed into much deeper emotional connection (nothing physical). We are compatible, solid chemistry, we both find it easy to talk to each other (something neither of us has in marriage), age difference is not an issue. She's trying to repair her marriage, but we both acknowledge feelings for each other. So, now to the problem. I brought up the "L" word...she said she could easily feel the same way as I do but she is "compartmentilizing" and just can't go down that road now....she doesn't want me to hurt BUT, she doesn't want things to change with us...she doesn't want me to withdraw or go silent. Maybe she's just keeping her options open? This is so stressful...

[TaraMaiden]

It's not stressful, it's stupid.

You're only thinking it's stressful, because you know it's wrong.

You're having an emotional affair.

 

The thing to do is to shift your focus from this pseudo-relationship, and focus instead on what is missing from your relationship with your wife, and try to determine how to put that right.

 

If it's stressful, it's of your own creation.

Nobody is holding guns to your heads and telling you both to engage in this foolish behaviour.

You're doing it to yourself.

 

You have a choice.

Work on your marriage, or quit it and start over.

It really is that simple.

[Ronni_W]

...she doesn't want me to hurt BUT, she doesn't want things to change with us...she doesn't want me to withdraw or go silent. Maybe she's just keeping her options open?

Yes, it does sounds is if she is just keeping her options open. And she is thinking only of herself. Has she even considered that you might be in a position to be hurt by her?

She's clear about what she wants YOU to do and not do for her -- what she wants to receive from you. But what is she prepared to do and not do for you -- what will she GIVE to you?

 

What do YOU want and need to do for yourself in this situation? To save your own sanity, health and whatever else in your life that you want to save?

 

If you want to participate in emotional and/or physical affairs, that's your business. But my suggestion is to at least do it with someone who gives a crap about you.

[marlena]

Remove the stressor and bingo, there you go!!! No more stress. If you think it is stressful now, wait until you actually get involved! Even worse, wait 'til your spouses find out. Then, you'll be a prime candidate for a heart attack.

 

I'd say get out while the going is still good. Nothing positive can come of this. If she is compartmentalizing, so should you. One little compartment should read like this: she is only a colleague and as such I will view her. No more, no less than this.

 

Do it for yourself. You are not yet involved, so reigning in your emotions should be easier. If you decide to go down the other road, then, your emotions will be all over the place and controlling them will be an impossible task.

[oysterman]

In respone to Ronni W, yes, she knows I'm hurting and doesn't want that...I told her I needed to deal with my feelings and stop my own pain; but you have a good point regarding "what's she going to do for me". Trust me, she does care about me and how I feel. I have tried to compartmentalize and take this back to "just friends", but can't seem to do it; we have both also tried the NC route and that doesn't work either - one of us fails. For my own emotional well-being, I have to do one of these - but that doesn't make the feelings go away. How long can a couple be "just friends" when both know it's more than that?

[Meaplus3]

Your both married to someone else so of course these feeling you have for one another are going to be stressful. I was there once. And let me tell you the stress went away, when I broke free from the ea. Really, the most important thing for you to do right now, is to fix what's missing in your marriage and let her do the same. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[TaraMaiden]

In respone to Ronni W, yes, she knows I'm hurting and doesn't want that...I told her I needed to deal with my feelings and stop my own pain; but you have a good point regarding "what's she going to do for me". Trust me, she does care about me and how I feel. I have tried to compartmentalize and take this back to "just friends", but can't seem to do it; we have both also tried the NC route and that doesn't work either - one of us fails. For my own emotional well-being, I have to do one of these - but that doesn't make the feelings go away. How long can a couple be "just friends" when both know it's more than that?

 

Bull.

 

Sh*i*t.

 

 

"We couldn't help it, it just happened, we want to but we can't, we tried but we can't seem to do it, NC doesn't work either....."

 

Translates into - 'we don't want to stop, we're enjoying the fun and thrill too much'.

 

You need to ask your wife how she'd feel if you told her all of the above.

She's obviously not important enough to you, for you to make the extra effort, is that what you're saying.....?

 

[hopesndreams]

Maybe you are going through a mid-life crisis. You want her, but she doesn't want you, but your fantasy of her is pushing you even further away from your W. Your W deserves to know what is going on. Is the W aware of your unhappiness? Is she aware that you are sniffin' round another man's, much younger, wife? How long have you been married and has anything like this happened before?

 

You once had that special chemistry with your W and were once able to talk to her about anything and you could get that back if you spend 100% of your thoughts on your W, and not the fantasy from work. Otherwise, you end up with nothing because your wife will get fed up with being cast aside and she will find out about your little EA, which is not much different from a PA, and what then? Best to inform her what you have been up to before she discovers it. Give her the chance to decide what she wants.

 

This is so stressful...

 

Be much more stressful when the sh*t hits the fan.

[Ariadne]

We are compatible, solid chemistry

find it easy to talk to each other

I brought up the "L" word...

she said she could easily feel the same

 

she does care about me and how I feel.

How long can a couple be "just friends" when both know it's more than that?

 

Hi,

 

For what I read there, it seems like she just needs someone to talk to.

 

Seems like she is not very happy where she is at, and got you as a confidant.

 

But that doesn't mean she has developed feelings for you, but that she likes that you listen and likes the attention you give her.

 

You brought up romantic feelings and the L word and she is not welcoming that.

 

See what happens now.

[Adri Ana]

Why would you think she is keeping her options open ?

She just does not want an OM in her life

and to be an OW herself .

It would be then really stressfull . She is protecting herself and you as well from stress .

[Ronni_W]

Oyster,

As I see it, the problem for you is that you appear to be more deeply involved/invested in your extra-marital than she is. Not saying that she does not care for you. Just that...whatever else. Maybe her marriage is more viable for her, than yours is for you; or she has a better sense that hers can be repaired, than you do that yours can be.

 

Regardless of your 'back story', my opinion/suggestion would be the same -- right now, this is an unequal/imbalanced relationship with YOU in line to end up with the most pain. Which, in my mind, means that YOU need to make some wise decisions about what is in YOUR best interest, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually...without concern about how your self-loving action will impact your co-worker.

 

I'm not suggesting, and please don't misconstrue it as me encouraging extra-marital affairs, whether emotional or emotional-physical. But when you want my opinions about that, I'm sure you will ask for it. Right?

How long can a couple be "just friends" when both know it's more than that?

As I say above, it sounds as if YOU "know" that a little more deeply than she does at this time. I'm sure that you feel as if you're both at the exact same 'level' but that's not how your posts are reading to me.

 

I would suggest 'proceed with caution' and just make sure you're not putting your own heart at greater risk than is necessary under the circumstances.

[oysterman]

Actually, her marriage is in way worse shape than mine and she thinks perhaps irrepairable (she's been the OW before). Like any EA, we bring to each other things we don't have in our marriages. Either way, I guess the big question is whether we can be "just friends" when we've been emotionally involved, or whether it is better for both to go completely NC. Maybe I'm just being a 'fool'.

[Ronni_W]

For myself in your situation, yes, I would choose complete n/c -- except for what is absolutely critical for work, of course.

I would do WHATEVER needed to be done, to bolster my determination, self-discipline and resolve to stay totally n/c.

It CAN be done, I know from personal experience. But a really deep and sincere desire is a 'condition precedent'.

 

I know that it is difficult, and do wish you the best of luck.

[soda]

Actually, her marriage is in way worse shape than mine and she thinks perhaps irrepairable (she's been the OW before). Like any EA, we bring to each other things we don't have in our marriages. Either way, I guess the big question is whether we can be "just friends" when we've been emotionally involved, or whether it is better for both to go completely NC. Maybe I'm just being a 'fool'.

 

You believe the bolded part because that is what she's telling you. My Ex told her male "friend" the same thing and the only that that was wrong with the marriage was the fact that my wife was putting all of her energy into the emotional affair.

 

People tend to re-write their marriages when they get involved in affairs because it allows them to justify to themselves what they are doing. In fact, my Ex was in such a fog that our marriage counseling sessions became an absolute joke.

 

My Ex continued her EA until I said "enough is enough." She lost her marriage, the kids, the house and her friends. She denied everything until the day I threw her out. Don't be too sure that your wife isn't making her own exit plans.